Hangah

[Hell, the Seventh circle of Envy, Hangah]

There are some people who can't stand seeing other people happy. They can't stand seeing other people successful, or getting a promotion, or making a new friend.

Some people get so jealous that they can't even enjoy their own accomplishments, or the good things that are happening in their lives. They can't see past their own envy, and it consumes them.

Envy can drive a person crazy. It's a horrible, toxic feeling. And it's dangerous, and if you're not careful, it can lead to a downward spiral of jealousy, self-loathing and at some point, self-destruction.

Envy can lead to murder and the destruction of the most basic human needs, love and care.

When I arrived in this place, it was nothing but a black hole. I was surrounded by darkness, and it was so thick and heavy that I could barely breathe. I stood waiting for my moment of judgement.

It felt like I had been standing in the darkness for an eternity, and in my mind, it felt like I would be trapped in the darkness forever.

It was a horrible feeling, being stuck in the dark like that, and it took every ounce of willpower I had not to scream and cry.

I tried not to think about what might happen if I did, and what might happen to me if I couldn't hold it together.

I tried not to think about the future, or the past, or anything at all. But, somewhere within this firm darkness was a man.

He was a man that was hopping by. The hopping man looked funny, as if he was enjoying himself. The dimples on his face making it clear from the angle that I saw him from, that he was having fun. He hopped around in circles, what a funny looking man. His hat and suit almost didn't fit that image, the top hat and the fancy attire seemed almost out of place.

This is the circle of Hell for the envious.

A man who was always so busy and focused on his own work that he didn't have time to play with his own children. He worked, and worked, and worked, and he was proud of himself. He thought he was a great father. He didn't have time to think for himself, he didn't have time to think for others.

The man hopped around, his eyes closed with that wretched, happy smile, creating a form of two-step, his steps were a jig, and his hop was a bounce.

It was as if he didn't realize that he was in Hell. How could he be so happy despite all of this?

Why couldn't I be so happy? There was only darkness around, and yet this man, this foolish man could not stop hopping.

How could he be so happy while being tortured by the weight of the darkness?

It was almost as if there were tiny pullings on his tiny limbs, commanding him to hop and bounce and skip and jump, and to make those faces.

It was almost as if the man was being controlled, or that he was being controlled by his own thoughts, by his own mind.

But there came a subtle moment of hesitation in his step. A small, tiny, subtle, almost unnoticeable, little, nearly insignificant, nearly imperceptible, nearly non-existent, slight, infinitesimal, almost invisible, minuscule, minute, nearly unobservable, microscopic, barely perceptible, minutely detectable, barely noticeable, nearly unrecognizable, negligible, minute, tiny, miniscule, microscopic, minuscule, infinitesimal, immeasurably, inconceivably, incomprehensibly, unfathomably, immeasurably, incredibly, incomprehensibly, unbelievably, inconceivably, inexplicably, unbelievably, ineffably, unthinkably, immeasurably, unspeakably, unimaginably, impossibly, indescribably, inconceivably, inscrutably, inconceivably, undreamably, inconceivably, indefinitely, infinitely small misstep in his joyful, bouncy, jiggy, skippy, hoppy, skippy, jumpy, springy, boingy, happy, ecstatic, exhiliratated, blissful, euphoric, ecstatic, excited, exhilarated, ecstatic, enthused, euphoric, euphorically happy, exhilarating, exciting, special, fantastic, terrific, phenomenal, wonderful, magnificent, marvelous, stupendous, glorious, grand, amazing, splendid, fabulous, extraordinary, superb, tremendous, astonishing, spectacular, outstanding, remarkable and incredible moment.

It was almost as if the man, the silly little fool, had realized the absurdity of his situation. His face twisted. His smile grew smaller. He seemed to have a sudden epiphany. I didn't know why, but his sudden realization of the absurdity of his situation made me laugh.

"Oh, my." A taut voice, a masculine voice, a man's voice, a strong voice, a powerful voice, a confident voice, a proud voice, a commanding voice, a determined voice, a resolute voice, a bold voice, a decisive voice, a defiant voice, a fearless voice, a forceful voice, a confident voice, a determined voice, a bold voice, a decisive voice, a defiant voice, a fearless voice, a forceful voice, a proud voice, a commanding voice, a strong voice, a powerful voice that sounded so familiar, said, "Oh, my."

I turned, and looked. There was the hopping man. There he was. He had stopped, he was standing still, but he was looking at me with that tight smile that he regained. I found it terrifying, his smile, his eyes, his wrinkles, his nose, his face, his ears, his hat, his suit, his shoes, his tie, his belt, his hands, his nails, his fingers, his thumbs, his hair, his teeth, his lips, his tongue, his mouth, his voice, his laugh, his chuckle, his snicker, his cackle, his grin, his smirk, his scowl, his frown, his pout, his gasp, his cough, his wheeze, his grunt, his huff, his grumble, his groan, his sigh, his growl, his whimper, his whine, his giggle, his chortle, his chortling, his bellow, his braying, his bleating, his bawling, his belching, it was all the same.

As if to mock me, as if to make fun of me, 

The hopping man smiled.

His eyes twinkled, and he chuckled, a hearty, full, heartfelt, sincere, warm, genuine, real, honest, truthful, trustworthy, reliable, dependable, consistent, predictable, reliable, true, sincere, authentic smile as if to say "I am here. You are not alone."

He looked at me.

His smile faded, his lips pursed, and he spoke.

"Well, I'm not gonna lie." His voice was soft, almost a whisper. He sounded tired, exhausted, drained, weary, fatigued, sapped, spent, run-down, depleted, used up, burned out, weary, fatigued, drained, tired, exhausted, and his voice cracked.

"You are a pretty big disappointment."

His voice was deep, and gravely. He had a deep, husky, gruff, low, rumbling, rough, throaty, grating, coarse, growly, raspy, grungy, harsh, guttural, raw, scratchy, smoky, gravelly, grating, and it reminded me of those who looked at me with their faces of disgust.

"I really thought you had a chance."

His tone was calm, his voice was gentle, and his face was sincere.

"You could have changed the world, but instead, you let yourself fall.", "You were destined for greater things.", "You were better than this."

"Who do you think you are?" I wanted to say, but I realized my position. I was stuck, and this was my fate.

I had to accept my fate, no matter how cruel, unfair, unjust, unkind, undeserved, unjustified, unwarranted, undeserved, ill-deserved, uncalled-for, unjustifiable, and inhuman.

My punishment was the weight of the world.

"You let me down. You could have been someone. You could have made a difference. You could have saved the world. You could have helped people. You could have done so many things. Yet, over just a mere, stupid, little, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking," 

He kept repeating that one word over and over again, like a child.

"Stupid, little, fucking, useless, meaningless, pointless, purposeless, futile, fruitless, pointless, vain, unproductive, aimless, unimportant, trivial, frivolous, nonsensical, ridiculous, absurd, irritating thing you are." But his smile returned to how it once was.

I grew furious, and began to cry. I didn't know if it was out of sadness, or if it was out of the rage, the anger, the bitterness, the hate, the loathing, the resentment, the regret, the frustration, the anguish, the pain, the agony, the suffering, the torment, the despair, the humiliation, the shame, the embarrassment, the guilt and the regret, or if it was all the above.

My eyes began to blur up, like a camera lens, and I could see his face, the smile. It was all fading away from my vision. I could feel myself looking towards a greater darkness; My punishment.

"Don't worry," his voice echoed in the darkness, "you're not alone. There's no need to feel lonely."

"We'll see each other again."

He said, as if to comfort me, as if to soothe me, as if to console me, as if to cheer me up, as if to lift me up, as if to make me feel better.

My body trembled so much, and I felt like I was going to explode. My body shook violently, and my tears poured out like a river.

"And," he said, "don't worry about your punishment. You're stuck here, but you'll eventually get used to it. Eventually, it'll be over." He said.

"...Maybe."

He said.

I stood there, looking at him. I couldn't understand why. Why couldn't I kill him? Why couldn't I kill everyone and everything? Why couldn't I get what I want, when I wanted it? Why does everyone else have it, but me?

It wasn't fair. I wasn't supposed to be here. I didn't deserve this. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to be the best, not a fucking nobody. I was supposed to rule the world, not be some no good piece of shit.

This was all a mistake. It had to be. Yes! If I just plead to the gods above, maybe they'll take pity on me and save me from this fate.

"I didn't do anything wrong."

I shouted into the air.

But the man had already left my sight.

"No, I didn't do anything wrong."

I tried shouting again, but nobody answered me.

"Why am I the one who gets punished for not doing anything wrong? I was innocent, I did nothing wrong."

I started to sob and cry and scream and wail, but there was no reply.

"Why won't anybody answer me?"

I continued screaming and crying and wailing and sobbing and sobbing and sobbing and weeping and crying and shrieking and whimpering and whining and bawling and sobbing and wailing and howling and yowling and moaning and groaning and keening and moaning and wailing and crying and wailing and howling and crying and screaming and shouting and yelling and shouting and yelling and screaming and yelling and screeching and hollering and bawling and vomiting and bleeding and shrieking and screeching and sobbing and screaming and bawling and retching and weeping and sniffling and gasping and whimpering and mewling and crying and howling and screeching and weeping and wailing and weeping and crying and whimpering and sobbing and mewling and mewing and squealing and wailing and howling and sobbing and whimpering and screeching and yelping and moaning until my body gave up and I fell into the darkness, and lost consciousness.

I was a failure. And everyone around me saw me as a failure. I couldn't bear the sight of the world seeing me as a failure, so I decided to destroy my mind and the minds of everyone who saw me.

My mind was destroyed by my own actions, and the actions of those around me. The actions of the world. Wretched and woeful, the world had rejected me, and so I rejected the world.

It was all too much. All the hatred, the jealousy, the envy, the malice, the spite, the bitterness, the cruelty, the evil, the malevolence, the wickedness, the ruthlessness, the violence, the aggression, the hatred, the animosity, the rage, the resentment, all of it.

But now, my mind is gone.

It is gone.