Chapter 22: Nicholas

Nicholas p.o.v.

I immediately turned around, blinking my teary eyes at those long golden brown curls, but then I noticed those gleaming blue eyes staring back at me, it was Xenia.

Why had I felt Samara then...and that stupid part of me actually thought that Samara could be here with me, what had I been thinking, she died thirteen years ago...taking my heart with her too.

I had come in front of God cracked wide open by the vile actions of predators and I had vowed to fix it. Why? Because even after one long year of revenge, of killing each and every bishop and cardinal who was responsible for Samara's execution, hunt them in the entire English soul like they had used to hunt their so-called 'witches', I still hadn't found peace, revenge hadn't satisfied me if anything it ripped off my remaining soul. But even after that, even after my entire body, mind and soul were doused in blood, blood of evil holy men, god had still sheltered me, refind me. That silent voice in my mind that had comforted me, apprised me and counselled me.

God had accepted me the way I was, broken, shattered, hollow.

But now, when I think about that then I am no different than those hypocrites, wolves under the skin of black and saffron cloth. I'd broken my vow like it meant nothing. What about those fellow priests, who were also like me, who wanted to restore the honour of our faith, who wanted to fix the action of those evil, selfish men? How many years it took us to make people see that not every priest is like those horrible persons, and how much effort it took us to make people believe and trust their faith again?

And then what had I done yesterday? I had betrayed all of that. Betrayed all of them...betrayed my god and that realisation made my hands shake and my throat tighten, the realisation that I had betrayed my God, perhaps more than I’d betrayed myself and my fellow priests.

And the worst thing was that I knew He wasn’t furious with me. He’d forgiven me, and I didn’t deserve it. I deserved to be punished, a hail of fire from above, bowling waters, harness, something, anything dammit because I was a pathetic, hideous, lecherous man who’d taken advantage of his daughter's love and trust.

What a hideous man I am.

I finally peeked at Xenia, she also sat on the floor next to me, peering up at me with her big doe eyes, resting her chin on her knees. Fuck, she saw me crying...on the fucking floor, Great, nothing could be more embarrassing than this.

" You shouldn't come here, princess.", I murmured, my voice hoarse and choked as I said the words. And if crying wasn't embarrassing enough, I had to take the silk handkerchief Xenia offered and wipe my fallen tears...and nose, mixed with my sweat. God, I want to hide in a hole and never come out.

" I was worried.", she replied, her voice soothing and gentle, with no hint of anger and again, that made me feel worse. I would have felt satisfied if Xenia cursed me or slapped me or fucking kicked my perverted arse out of her country.

I looked up when she tried to take that handkerchief back but I didn't give her, it was dirty. I will buy her another. Our eyes met for a second but I abruptly looked away. That one second was enough though, enough for me to awe at her adorable little face and pale white skin glinting over the moonlight, enough for me to ogle at her petite body hidden under that same icy blue silk gown, without any hood or cloak and that, made me notice those marks on her bare neck, ugly blue scars, given by my lips and teeth...and you know what was worse, I liked them, I fucking loved them and wanted to give her more, mark every inch of her flesh with my lips and tongue.

I closed my eyes for a second, focus, focus on her face, not on her body...She is Xenia, my Xenia, my daughter Xenia. Yes, it worked. I cleared my throat and stood up, " You shouldn't worry too much about me"

Xenia didn't reply anything just nodded. We crouched on the pew near the window, actually, I crouched, and she just followed and sat next to me. We sat there in the sanctuary, silently, but it was a soothing kind of silence, a silence which felt complete in its own way. Didn't know when, but Xenia brought some tea and snacks, looks like Ronald already told her about my lack of eating, such a snitch!

We eat staring outside the window at the twinkling dark sky. I was still lost in a stupor, my mind dazed by this newest wave of shame. This feeling of being too small, too awful, for anything less than hell.

Didn't I learnt my lesson last time, I asked myself, didn't I see what had happened when I loved a woman I am not supposed to...and with Xenia, it wasn't even love, it was pure lust, I don't think I am capable of loving someone else rather than Samara anyway.

And then how could I forget, Xenia was betrothed to king Aldrich? She was his even before I met her, from the very beginning. Even the thought of that angered me to my core, Xenia was not a thing that could belong to some king, she is mine, I grumbled at myself and then sighed at the irony of my own thoughts, Xenia wasn't a thing that could belong to the king or me or anyone else, I corrected my foolish consciousness. And if there was someone to whom Xenia belonged was these people, this kingdom. She had a duty to fulfil, and one of that duties was to marry that king, to take his troops and save her territory, her people...from my country. And that realisation made me take out that letter; I was still hiding it under my slacks.

Perhaps, after reading this letter, her little infatuation towards me will be gone for good.

That was the main cause of this whole fiasco, Xenia returning my feelings. I had an intuition that I might be getting attracted towards her but that feeling, that thought was negligible, so insignificant that I'd never thought about it out loud until, that night, that sinful corrupted night, I heard her moaning my name. I did overhear her moans before but never paid attention to them. But hearing my name in her breathless whimpering voice...God, that was better than any hymn I'd ever listened to.

And since then, everything became worse, everything get dangling upon my little fragile self-control. It was better before, it was better when I didn't know Xenia felt those shivers when our hand brushed or eyes met but no, she had to touch herself when I was just next door, she had to moan my name in her loud breathless voice when I was already hard as fuck after touching her hand. And there it came, that animalistic urge to rip her cloth apart and take her right here, without any sense or shame.

How could I still feel that way...even now, even here, even inside these holy walls my skin is burning like fire, I couldn't stop my mind to think about Xenia that way, I couldn't stop my heart to beat erratic...I couldn't stop my breaths to run wild; even in front of my god, I wanted Xenia. I wanted her so bad, so rough, just turn her around over the altar and push myself inside her over and over again until this entire sanctuary trembled in her sinful moans and whimpers and her screams too but no... I will not stop even after that, I will keep doing it, keep ravishing her until she learnt her lesson and never dared to seduce a priest again.

But suddenly I remembered, I was the one who seduced her last night! Fuck me.

" What's this?"

Xenia's voice suddenly snapped me back to reality, I looked back at her, giving that jinxed letter, " Raven from King Aldrich...I shouldn't hide it from you."

She looked between my face to the letter before taking it, " Seal is broken, you already read it?", Xenia asked, " And why didn't you give me this before?"

Okay, now time to man up Nicholas. Accept your fucking fault.

My head touched the wooden headboard with an audible thud sound, " For my selfish reason.", I murmured, looking anywhere but those feisty blue eyes, " I was jealous... of him."

I sighed as those words left my lips. You are doing the right thing, I encouraged myself. Accept it, accept it you are jealous of her future husband, not even jealous, hate him; and that newfound hate came after reading that love letter, where his words sound like some poet like he had poured his heart out and any woman could die to be with a man like him. And then, tell the truth about hiding the fact, that King Aldrich wanted to come and meet her but I denied, several times, giving him some stupid excuse. And yes, how could I forget, ask forgiveness, for lusting over her and seducing her by deliberately showing my half-naked body, knowing perfectly what my absurd action will do to her...or those tight perky tits and that sweet delicious cunt. Fuck Nicholas.

Stop it!