41. Endless Void of Regret (part 1)

Character : Nathan Fiore, Endless Void of Regret

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"FELICIAAAA!!!!!!!"

I shouted aloud, not realizing the world around me. 

My hand was lifted forward right after my body got up from the bed, and I realized my entire body was sweating endlessly. 

For a flat fifteen seconds, I just had my hand pointing forward in the air. I didn't do anything as my brain did its best to wake up, and finally the realization has struck me.

My hand slapped me on the cheek, and my other hand did the same after that. I lowered my face due to the painful reality, and my eyes hurt from trying to cry empty tears.

She died…!!! she died because of me…!!!

Because I was a fool…!! Because I was too weak…!!!

Tell me… tell me that this isn't real…!?

I don't want it… I don't want to live in this world…!!!

"KHhhkkkhkkk....!!!!!" My throat failed to control my breathing, which resulted in such a voice.

The painful reality has struck me as I wake up, and truthfully, it was far worse the night before. 

Unable to accept her death, I spent an entire three days staying up to look for her body in the ruins of the city. The explosion truly flattened the entire city, and I can't exactly remember at which point she shot us off to safety. 

As a result, I, alongside the whole army, spent three days simply looking for her body underneath the rubbles by guessing roughly where she would have landed. But we couldn't find anything, and it's very easy for us to devise theories on what happened. 

Her body got obliterated by the explosion. It is purely impossible to find her.

If that's the case, then what is there that is left of her? Just what can I keep from her to remind me that she is…

'I love you.'

Curse this world… Curse it all....

I don't care if a devil wants me to destroy the world. I don't care if a god wants to trade my life for hers.

Just bring her back to me… Please…

After cursing in silence for an hour, I got up from the bed and put on my clothes. My body is still covered in bandages due to the horrible damage from the light origin blasts, but I can still move, so they don't matter. People did force me to not move a muscle, but once I gave them a death glare, no one dared to say a word to me anymore.

And today, it will be the same thing as well.

The tent is very hot inside, and I realized it's probably midday by now. The snow outside has already melted due to the sun, and the air coming in was very warm. I cared for none of that and just put on my large farmers hat to protect me from the sunlight.

I walked out of the tent and was immediately greeted by the painful sunlight, and a person was sighted sitting on the bench not far from my tent.

"Good morning. Or should I say... Good day? You slept for quite a long time." Eric said to me while enjoying his lunch on the bench, and I sat on the bench next to him.

"Any signs?" I asked with my sorrowful voice.

"Nope. Everyone has been searching since last night." Eric shook his head while placing down his plate to talk to me. 

"They all respected you, and they wanted to make up for forcing you to go to sleep. So, they've been up since last night."

"But, that was… six hours ago." I said while looking at the watch on my hand, but Eric shook his head.

"So? Six hours of them working so that you can get some sleep is still worth it. To them, at least." Eric said while lifting his plate back, and I realized that I've been burdening everyone by acting this way.

Three days have passed since the last battle, and only now have I truly slept soundly. For three days, I spent the entire time just pushing and throwing building rubbles everywhere, trying to look for Felicia's remains. The only time I ever rested was when Lily forced me to put the bandages on because my wounds were literally rotting. But in return, she and everyone else also helped out in the search until we found her.

And after spending three days being awake, my condition was getting terrible. Not only was I very tired from the battle, I also didn't rest at all, which made my body so extremely weak. Lily gathered up the people and ended up making a deal with me, where she and everyone would search all morning while I went to bed.

I can't really accept that because I still want to search for Felicia. But, Lily told me about what is more important.

'Was this something that Felicia would've wanted out of you?' Lily asked me, and I cannot exactly refute that.

It's not fair to use the dead's opinion on what the living should do. Then again, if we are using Felicia's normal behavior, she would've just beaten me up until all my bones are broken so that I can rest. Fortunately, no one is following that behavior of hers and just made the deal with me.

Now, I feel bad for leaving them to search for six hours. The sun is extremely hot today, and it's only getting worse. I should make them stop.

"Nathan! You're awake!" From above a mountain of building pieces, Jonah shouted at me while waving his hand.

I lifted my right hand at him, but my face was unable to move the slightest. I can't smile like him anymore, and he understands it. Jonah proceeded to run down the slope of the piles he was standing on and approached me. 

"Did you sleep well? Have you eaten anything?" He asked with such a concerned face, and I nodded at him.

"I'm good to go." I lied, because truthfully I did not sleep well. And I did not eat anything, since I came here right after I talked with Eric.

"Then, I'll leave you to it. I've been wanting to rest since the sun came out… My sleep schedule is so messy now." Jonah said while complaining, and I realized that I was the one who made him like this. 

"Don't look so down. We'll find her." Jonah said while patting my shoulder, and I nodded at him.

"Thanks." I said before leaving him to the pile, and I started looking around.

Everyone at the pile of rubbles saw me walking and waved their hands at me, and I just waved back. I saw a familiar face approaching me from afar, and I noticed her very tired face.

"Nyssa… you look quite--" My words were cut off when Nyssa forcibly shoved her digging tools to me.

"I'm quitting!!" She angrily stated at me before walking away, and I would've laughed at her had my condition been normal.

I turned my gaze back to someone else who was also arriving, and Lily took off her hat as she arrived. From the looks of it, she is just as tired as Nyssa, but she can hold her stamina much better.

"How're you feeling?" Lily asked out of pure worry, and I just nodded at her.

"I'm well rested. I can go again."

"That's not what I'm concerned about. I'm talking about your face. Nathan, you look terrible..." Lily asked once again while holding my cheeks, and I let her touch my face for a while before pushing her hands away.

"I don't want to hurt your feelings again like before… but please stop concerning yourself with my situation. You're free to do whatever you want." I said to Lily as carefully as possible, because I remembered I nearly made her cry last night. 

All she wanted was for me to get better, and I yelled at her and even talked coldly at her. Last night was heavy for the two of us, and it ended with Lily convincing me to take a rest. I can't continue letting her do that, so I'm telling her to not be overly concerned over my health.

Of course, she can never be that easy to be convinced.

"I told my sister to contact Fiordall earlier this morning." Lily said out of the blue while staring to the side, and I opened my eyes wide.

"… Why?"

"Why else? The kingdom should know what their second prince is doing--"

"Lily. You know very well what would happen to me if they knew...!" I asked her a little coldly, and Lily let out a sigh.

"Enjoy your last day here." Lily said as she walked past me, and I was too shocked to say a word. "They're expecting you to leave early tomorrow morning."

Lily started walking away silently, and I realized that she is doing this for my sake. 

In the first place, there was no need for me to personally aid in the search. There are search parties, volunteers from the earth nation who also wished to help out in finding Felicia's remains. But even then, I still want to look for her myself.

If the king of Fiordall knows what I've been doing, he will surely call me back. And just as Lily says, I will have to leave this place tomorrow and head to the fire kingdom.

I took a deep breath and stared at the skies. I realized just how painful it is to breathe here, knowing that someone I cared for is somewhere underneath these rubbles.

If it means I will have to stay up until tomorrow… then, I'll do it. I'll gladly leave this place once I can search for that long. And once my business at Fiordall is done, I'll probably come back here.

With that plan in mind, I started digging. Using the shovel that Nyssa gave me, I dug a massive mountain of building materials all by myself, and I even used my fire origin explosions to help dig out a huge amount. I know that Felicia's remains cannot be damaged by fire knowing that she is a fire origin, so I have no problems with digging like that.

But, even after spending the next… twenty hours? There's still nothing. By the time I realized it, a Steelbird had already arrived by the wrecked city, and a particular individual stepped out of the ship.

"Nathan. The King of Fiordall wants to see you." Princess Frisena said after greeting me at the wreckage of the city, and I turned my cold tired gaze at her.