Not on the Same Page

Deeply troubled, Alesha absentmindedly finished her meal before loading her dishes into the Cleanser. She ambled away from the kitchen, bumped her shoulder hard into a corner as she tried to go around it, and entered her room. She closed the door behind her and turned to face away from her mattress bed, leaning backwards until she lost her balance. The effect was that she fell backwards. She plopped down, bouncing once on the mattress before the energy of her fall dispersed enough for her to lay still, her multicolored eyes unfocused while she gazed in the general direction of the ceiling.

This was all so much to take in. Just two days ago, if you skip the time she spent asleep in the hospital, she had been happily studying as a Junior in university, working towards her degree in General Chemistry. Three days ago, she had turned down an invitation to a game night with her friends. At the time, her upcoming midterms had seemed more important… now, though, she felt like she would give up the world for the chance to go back and attend that game night instead. 

For all she knew, that could have been her last chance to see those college friends again. With only 15 publicly announced survivors and another 22 who-knows-where, what were the odds that her friends were among them? Close to nil. 

Alesha rolled over, pulling the blankets on top of her and wriggling deeper underneath them as she grabbed the pillow and clutched it tightly to her chest, starting to cry. This wasn't how her life was supposed to have gone! Why had that stupid alien beast chosen to attack Faxton in the first place?! It wasn't a particularly important city, the only thing that really mattered about it was the University. Most of the inhabitants of the city were students!! What did the alien beast even want with a relatively small, unimportant city to begin with?! Her tears came quickly now as she cried under the blankets. 

Alesha missed her friends. She missed her Major. She missed knowing that she would spend the rest of life as a human, living out her days half-enslaved to the Alliance but at least without strange quests popping up out of nowhere to yank her life in random, unwanted directions. 

What's more, she missed having her head all to herself. While neither fully introverted nor fully extroverted, she leaned much more to the introverted side of things. She needed her space when it came time to recharge. But having space all to herself was now, quite literally, impossible. Her body was no longer host to just her own consciousness; a foreign entity had invaded it and that same entity, which she could never escape, was the source of many of her current grievances with life. Heck, even as she laid here crying and stewing about how upset she was about how her life had changed, the System was probably lurking nearby (mentally nearby?), listening in.

[Host is correct. Even when distraught, Host makes good mental connections. Though I really don't know what you have to be upset about. What you've gained far outweighs the trivial things you have lost.]

"Trivial things? Trivial things? You think my normal human life, my friends and all my hopes and dreams to be a Chemist are trivial things?" Alesha hissed aloud, ticked off. "What about you, hm? What about your life before you became attached to me, your hopes and dreams, your favorite things to do? You can't have any of those things since you got stuck inside me, right?"

[I think Host misunderstands. I, the 'Seed of Chaos' System, did not exist before fusing with you. My entire existence began only moments before I assured you that you were not delusional when you started to question your sanity yesterday. I did not have friends before meeting you, I did not have hopes or dreams, I did not have a life at all. You are the only being that has ever had the pleasure of interacting with me.]

Alesha wasn't sure how to respond. Should she feel sorry for the System, that it had never known a life where it could control its own body, never known friendship or freedom? No wonder it had become so melancholic when she had asked what its body would look like if it had its own. But this was the same being that had commandeered the pilot seat of Alesha's life. Rogork had input coordinates she had never desired to go to and forced her to cross through turbulent air she would have otherwise avoided. 

With this, a new realization dawned. She hadn't asked for the System to be fused with her, and the System had no say in that either. Neither of them had any control over the fact that they had bonded. Both of them had woken up to discover an undesirable situation (even if she was only now realizing that) and were forced to exist in the same body together, sharing one life between the both of them.

The System might be bossy and controlling, and she still wouldn't forgive it for forcing unwanted changes upon her body, but she and the System did have one thing in common. 

Their shared frustrations with the current situation.

Feeling buoyed by her epiphany, Alesha sat up and sniffled deeply, using the inside of her shirt to wipe snot off her face. 

Her mood immediately soured when the System spoke to her again.

[You misunderstand me again, Host. I am not frustrated that I lack a body, nor am I sad that I never had friends. My frustrations lie entirely with your resistance to growth. I simply cannot fathom why you are so upset about your Racial Trait! There is absolutely no negative side to being able to digest raw meat. You'll never have to worry about food poisoning from uncooked meat ever again, not from sushi or sashimi, not from undercooked burgers, or even rats off the street! All I see is a Host that's a little less fragile. Besides, you thoroughly enjoyed the meat you ate last night! Not even once did you flinch or hesitate to eat it. You ate it with such gusto even I was surprised. I seriously don't understand what the problem is.]

"So… you're saying that not only is my sympathy wasted on you, but also that you don't understand my problems with your actions?"

[... If you want to phrase it that way, yes. I never needed your sympathy, and I do not understand your concerns about my actions. I have been working entirely for your benefit this whole time.]

Alesha buried her face in her hands. The System easily and quickly understood so many things, so why on Elantris was it having such a hard time comprehending why she was so upset with it? How could she get the System to understand? How could she explain?

For the first time since getting the System, Alesha felt a galactic-wide expanse that separated the two of them, dividing not just their natures but also their core selves. This 'Seed of Chaos' System was a completely alien entity, totally unlike her on a fundamental level.