Chapter 4 Toblitche The Island Of Desire

I could tell Elizabeth's eagerness to see the ruins of the church was getting the better of her. She would occasionally stop and look ahead at a path right of us and then continue only to repeat this cycle.

If she wanted to see it so badly I didn't know why she didn't just go. She must have been a real sucker for the rules, I thought.

In any case, next on the list was breakfast, the most important meal of the day. It was so cold I'd almost forgotten, my stomach was gurgling for more of that meat and bread. Though I wasn't a picky eater, pretty much anything they'd give me I'd eat without a second thought and probably like it. It didn't take much to satisfy a man who spent nearly fifteen years on the road. A pseudo-homeless man some might say. A choice of my volition.

I smiled thinking back, "Keep trying to tell yourself that."

"Did you say something?" Elizabeth stopped and turned towards me. 

"No, it's nothing." Didn't mean to say that out loud.

The outside of the dining hall had two flags on both corners. One plain black flag and the other was the outline of what I assumed was Toblitche with what looked like fire surrounding it. A strange image to capture for your homeland but who was I to judge I probably couldn't do much better.

Elizabeth went ahead of me saying she had something to do and for me to wait inside until she was back. My nerves were killing me just thinking about being let loose of my reigns and set free into the world, which is what I would've said if I had the balls. Currently because of the cold I was doubtful if I still had any. My only response was an obedient, "Yes ma'am" I was ashamed of my cowardice.

If I was still back home I'd say this cloak would have made me stick out like a sore thumb but Elizabeth was right I fit in just fine. Half the people inside wore similar clothing as me, most likely from Luka they all seemed to have been made from the same material. Privacy must be at the top of these people's priorities, a stark difference to how the people back home had become, giving away their freedom and right to privacy as if they had much to spare.

There was a mixture of smells inside and many for layman's terms were rancid. I tried my best to draw out the smells I enjoyed, like those tinges of egg, fish, and bread but they paled in comparison to whatever that horrid smell was. I held my breath throughout the entirety of it. 

A group of older ladies with aprons served breakfast on white wooden trays scooping up heaping servings of egg. Mandatory to continue along the line. Food was spread like a school cafeteria and reminiscent of a buffet in other sections. I noticed a majority of people grabbing a gray-looking compost, so much so by the time I got to it only a small corner remained. It didn't look appetizing but to be fair nothing on this menu seemed to match my usual food outing back home so I helped myself to a serving. I crossed my fingers that I wouldn't regret this daring choice of mine.

When I reached the end of the line I was stopped by one of the lunch ladies, holding out her hand in front of me, letting the people behind me pass. So much for blending in. I breathed in, waiting for what I assumed was a long drawn-out reason I wasn't welcomed here. I've had proper training in that regard, I'd be fine.

"Hmm, I don't think I recognize you." She looked at me up and down as if judging if she had the strength to drag me out of there. 

"I sort of just arrived here yesterday, I doubt you'd recognize me." I put on a fake smile and hoped this interaction would end there but luck was never on my side and this egregious interaction continued in a showdown of silence broken up by my plea for release.

"Can I go now?" 

"I don't like newcomers, you don't pay and you take our food."

"Like I said, I just arrived here, I'm…" I felt compelled to whisper this part. "A Visitor."

I had to eat outside.

****

A singular bench covered in snow was waiting for me outside, barely lit by a few lanterns that stood nearby, a gloomy way to begin the day. My gray compost camouflaged into the darkness, my runny eggs the only form of color besides gray and black.

"What a time to be alive."

Why'd you have to leave at a time like this I thought, thinking of Elizabeth. It was easy talking to her, sort of how it felt when I was a kid interacting with my siblings. Plus she was the only one who interacted with me so far not counting Rùm so of course her company was already being missed.

Being alone meant the thoughts I would usually store in the back of my head would leak out. Impure, depraving thoughts that for a reason were locked away. In times of silence, they broke through and in this town, there was no end to this sound of my ears ringing. A frequency that I couldn't withstand for much longer.

"Take it in stride, take it in stride, take it in stride." That relaxed me a bit.

Ashton's Venue was too littered with history and no one seemed to have any desire to teach me any of it—a deep-rooted prejudice against Visitors of all kinds. I'd never faced any like that back home so reacting to it was a foreign idea. Take it in stride like always and continue. It's all I knew how to do. 

Too many questions and no one to answer them yet my biggest question wasn't about the history or anything to do with these people. That fire, I wondered who burned down that Church. And the only image I couldn't get out of my head was of Marie. I'd postponed thinking about it as long as I possibly could but it was time for me to question her intentions.

I'd be the only person who would've seen her go inside, it was closed she shouldn't have even been there and yet she was, and not even twenty minutes later it burned. It seemed clear and cut, it was her, but that wasn't what bugged me. It was the fact that my small involvement with her scheme had involuntarily roped me in. That annoyed me the most.

.

What are your intentions…

I didn't need any help driving these people against me and the ones that weren't could always change their mind because of it. Religion is a powerful weapon for those who capitalize on devotion and their will to continue it. Countless accounts of that exact sentiment laid a horrific path of death and a harmonized hatred for the people who went against it. The majority mattered and in Ashton Venue a slip-up could mean an entire community running at your neck. I couldn't let my second chance end so quickly. 

"Could I tell Elizabeth?" 

What were the chances of that backfiring? My impression of her being a stickler for the rules forbade me from having faith that nothing would arise from this. 

"So I have to do it on my own then." Some things never change. My self-preservation always reigned supreme, if Elizabeth was a stickler for the rules then I was a stickler for holding on to whatever I still had left.

But first and foremost, the first on my agenda was eating this mysterious gray slop. My hands shook violently, the spoon dropping bits of gruel splatting down, I wish I said a prayer before consuming it. Forgive me, lord.

****

I waited a while for Elizabeth. Luckily this cloak was worth the investment because after a while I barely felt the cold, just strong gusts of wind affected me. Maybe I was already used to it.

She appeared from underneath the weak lantern light, sticking out with her noticeable lack of layers. I waved, trying to get her attention and after a few seconds, she returned the gesture but only momentarily. Something else had caught her eye and she hurried. Panting as she stopped in front of me.

"How long have you been out here?"

I smiled, standing up, brushing off the lumps of snow that gathered on my shoulder. "just a few minutes."

She looked at the dining hall and then looked back at me. "You got kicked out didn't you."

"Didn't say that."

"You didn't have to"

I went ahead of her in the opposite direction. "So what's next on the agenda," I said but with no response

I turned around and Elizabeth was already heading inside the dining hall, there was no stopping her.

"It's not necessary Elizabeth, it's fine."

She held the door open and then looked back at me. "No it's not fine, you're gonna be here for three months. Three! If we don't stop this now things will just continue to get worse for you."

"But…" I didn't have an answer. She was right I just didn't want to deal with this. Saying no wasn't an option.

"Now come on, point out who did it and I'll handle it." I ran my hand through my hair sighing as I went ahead. I couldn't let her fight my dumb reluctance to speak, I'd to on my own.

"I'll handle it just back me up if things turn south" She looked at me with a Doubtfull expression. 

"Don't worry, I won't say anything to upset them." She held her hands up surrendering, the door, slamming shut.

"Your choice." Her faith in me was painfully shallow.

****

Elizabeth's decision to let the door slam shut resulted in the entirety of the dining hall's attention on us. My bravery was dwindling by the second. Chills of embarrassment sent goosebumps across my arms. I was having second thoughts.

"Well go on, you said, you wanted to do this." Elizabeth found a seat at the end of the table and gestured as if to say go on.

"Right." 

I already saw the old lady from there. She'd noticed me coming in from the very start. On her own volition, she took off her apron hanging on a rack and stormed towards me.

"Argh it's her." Elizabeth's tone turned sharp when she got a better look at her.

"You know her?"

"Of course, I know her, Ashton's Venue isn't that big. I know everyone here by heart. She's just a troublemaker."

"Hm, what's her name then?"

"Jean Epperson." I hoped this was the last time I'd hear that name.

She stopped in front of me, her arms crossed a disgusted expression written across her face. What about me bugged her so much I wondered. I decided to be the first one to initiate the discussion awkwardly saying,

"Hello." Elizabeth smothered her face in her hand, I felt inclined to do the same. I wasn't cut out for this.

"Don't remember telling you can come inside Visitor."

"I think we both had bad first impressions of each other."

"No, I think I express myself just fine. You just don't seem to understand when you're not wanted somewhere. You Visitors are as entitled as always." A scattered bunch sitting on the right of the dining hall were side-eyeing me, whispering unsavory things under their breaths while others avoided any accidental eye contact by leaving the building entirely once they realized I was staying there longer than they'd like. Her sentiment, unfortunately, seemed common.

I could hardly hide my distaste for her. She reminded me of Rebecca, they must have a lot in common. "Very entitled, It's one of my very flaws."

"Recognizing it doesn't make it any better." I didn't know how to get through to her. I wasn't going anywhere with this discussion. I was painfully aware of that.

"Look, I don't know anything about this place, frankly I'm not sure what I'm even doing here, but the last thing I want to do is to cause problems." 

For whatever reason, her first response wasn't dismissive instead she almost looked like she was in pain, ashamed maybe? Maybe I got through to her.

"That's all I wanted to say."

Elizabeth shot up darting towards the exit, following close behind, leaving Ms.Epperson walling in whatever questions floated in her head. Hopefully I'd given her something to think about.

****

Elizabeth was surprised I cut the conversation so short, I guess she expected me to try and break through to her but I realize some people won't change just because I told them they were wrong. As long as I was here sooner or later they'll know I'm just an idiot albeit an idiot who has roped themselves in a web of trouble. 

Perhaps I put in half-assed effort but it was still enough for me to say that I tried. I couldn't say the same about many things I'd done in the past. If even for a moment I was happy for myself.

So far today, I'd gotten a free cloak, been told about the mystery drawer, tasted the abomination of food, and faced a small, very small tendril of prejudice. And I think it had only been a couple since the day/night started. I still didn't know how they kept time though, I was annoyed with myself for not asking before.

We were aimlessly walking through Ashton's Venue, I could tell Elizabeth didn't have another stop for us, and for whatever reason she wouldn't tell me that. Just continuously taking random left and right, sometimes even going in a complete circle. Only after I pointed it out that she finally stopped, looking around before speaking.

"That won't work on anyone else but her."

"Huh? What do you mean?" 

"Ms. Epperson, the reason I called her a troublemaker wasn't because of the way she treated Visitors it was because she didn't know how to make up her mind. She'd have incidents of helping them and then others she'd berate. Constantly changing sides, incident after incident."

"What are you trying to say."

"I don't like what you did there."

"What part of it."

"All of it." I don't know how I looked back then but I'm sure it must have been pretty pitiful to see how fast my morale changed. I'd been lying to myself for a bit, she'd seen right through it.

"I think I said, all I needed to say."

"You did, but sometimes your all still won't be enough. There's lots people here set in their ways, the idea of you, just the idea is enough to set them off."

"Maybe, after a while, they'll realize I'm a good person."

"Wishful thinking. If you want such an outlandish desire we might as well go to Ichemound now." Whatever she'd been talking about had gone completely over my head and the silence that ensued screamed that point through. Broken as she soon continued,

"Visitors over the years- no that's understating it, Visitors since the beginning had always been a difficult subject to drive out of Ashton's Venue in particular."

"And why's that."

"Because I think they have some merit." 

"How much."

"Enough for me to understand where they're coming from." She turned her attention to further down the road. A long path leading into the forest was engulfed in darkness. Only ruffling leaves carried by the wind made it possible to identify it was there. "Culture is important, even when you're from I'm sure that's true." 

When? I couldn't tell if it was intentional but, in the context of what she was talking about, "where" seemed like a better fit. I chalked it down to a simple mistake and agreed with her.

"Visitors always have a different culture than us, always expressing it, driving it in our faces, their words not mine" She turned to me and smiled, and I did the same out of pure instinct. "Then at some point, everyone began expressing it, their culture became Tobilitche's and that's when problems started. Our values, traditions, and even our names were changed because of it. Problems with Visitors began when people started forgetting there was a time when storms would happen and a human being wouldn't come from it. Now it seems like we can never stop thinking about." She held her arm to her side, a painful expression written across her face. "People take it to the extreme trying to preserve whatever culture we have left, that's when the church of Rendition hit its strive, especially in Ashton's Venue."

"Because there was no way of us tampering with it."

"That's right, no matter what they did the Eye of Rendition would never listen to them. Well, It doesn't listen to any of us but at least that was universal." 

I sort of understood their problem then, although it was hard for me to relate to it much. Even back home I'd never identified with my culture, never felt the need for it. But that sense of community of sharing traditions and experiences, I understand wanting to keep that sacred. And yet…

It's cowardly… It reminded me too much of myself.

"What do you think then?" I asked

"About what?"

"About Visitors."

"It's not important."

"Does it have to be?" She made it obvious, not wanting to answer the question, but I wasn't taking no for an answer and she could tell.

"No… I guess it doesn't. But let's drop it please, I just said all this to help you understand that people's minds won't be changed because they understand you. That's the first thing they'll do then, then they use it against you, nitpick what they don't like. Despite that…" She rolled up her sleeve showing me a large burn scar across her forearm, a faint image of the eye-piercing through. 

"It's what they don't expect from you, something that goes completely against the title they'd given you, that's the only way you'll change them. If that's what you desire" She rolled her sleeve back down and looked towards the moon.

"That's what Toblitche is y'know? 

The Island of Desire" 

The Island of Desire

The second quarter began when I heard the bells of a chapel and a heat on the back of my neck festered. It was aimed at the sky, a gray cloud just above. Darkness dragged where I stood, following my every move.