Chapter 5: No More Lonely Nights

" There are few things that a person can't tolerate in life. There are few things that upsets those who prefer to shield themselves from the harshness of life. Their walls are so high that people rarely see what they are inside. They are so secluded like the proverbial hermit and the elusive Shangri La. But when they do find a friend, they are treasured more than gold. And in this complicated life, few ever find true friends."

Chapter 5: No More Lonely Nights

It was a great feeling to have some people wait for me before they went on a battle. It was a huge bonus to be paid a hefty sum just to play with them! I'm slowly getting some serious income from playing this game! I felt really happy even if it's just an online gaming experience. So far, all the positive events that happened to me were a great booster to my self esteem. Although many players had been asking me to add the to my friends' list, I just had a few players I could count on my fingers that I can call patrons. But I haven't added them as friends. I tell them I'm shy and they are perfectly okay with it. 

That's how I became a little bit famous without having a single friend. I am friendly enough that even the moderators are convinced that it is just okay for one of the friendliest players not to have a single friend. A crazy oxymoron, but it worked somehow.

I still continued to become a helper in times of need but when I got too burdened by other people's attention, I would sometimes venture on my own just around Prontera and the low level dungeons around. Where I would usually help newcomers who are about to die. I would usually heal them and give them some helpful items. If they would ask to be friends, I would politely decline the invitation.

Well, some were puzzled, some would say that I need to be their friend just in case they need me ASAP. I respectfully declined all offers of friend requests. Any party requests I had were all deemed temporary. On one hand, it is fair to everybody. No one ever had an unfair advantage in scheduling playing time with me. Thus, my party schedule is impromptu, open and on a first come first served basis. If I'm not in my "hospital", I'm not available to party up.

Well, they all accepted the arrangement and everybody forgot that I have no actual, official, Ragna friends! When I'm in my "hospital", I made tons of friends! I'm so busy with healing, buffing and trading. I help several newcomers that even some of them are just straight from the tutorials! They are new characters but not new to the game so they already knew about me. Some are even veterans who sold their old, high level accounts for a few hundred dollars and created a new account. 

Thus, many people are actually asking me if I have other accounts as some of them are actually having two or three accounts who are "feeding" one main account. I have none. I have but one and only account. Thus, people got to know Benjamin1999 like its a charm or a magic word. Even the game mods and top players recommend me to low level players and newcomers to encourage them. Many players thought I was an NPC! When they look for me in the guide, they can't find me. They said that I can't be found on the map!

Some really thought that I need to have some friends sooner or later. They say that I would need to join a powerful guild later because of the player killers, but I thought, I never fought any player and I never thought of fighting any player ever! I am content with being a healer and a party support player. I am earning money, I have no enemies, many people are friendly with me, what more could I ever ask? 

My fighting stats are so ridiculous and I don't mind. My Intelligence is 99, my Vitality is 95, while my luck is 90. I'm okay.

One day, there's a huge guild war event and I'm not part of it. Most of the players are fighting against each other and I went to the Labyrinth. I was happily fighting lesser monsters when I was trapped with Amy. I realized that the Skeleton was too strong for me if I'm alone, but she will die too ,if she fights that skeleton alone. But I realized that as a swordswoman, she could cover for me….and that was history.

Now that we're friends, for the first time in my Ragna life, I felt fear. Many players would be happy to have a friend in Ragnarok Online. Well, I am happy! But somehow, there are some conundrums of feelings that I felt for the first time. For once, we are only online friends. I don't see her in real life. Then, although I am sure that she's a girl, I am not sure how old she is. I know many players are faking their age to play.

But why are you thinking about all this Benjamin? Is there anything you ever wanted besides online friendship? Do you want to build a strong online, virtual relationship with Amelia?

Relationship. A gigantic, scary word!

For one, I was so thrilled at first when we fought together that very first Skeleton. We both faced danger and we overcame it. We fought through mobs and bosses. We cut through all of them like hot knives through butter! We are unstoppable! One boss after the other fell victim to our rampage! We cleared dungeons like it's nothing! We both propelled to higher levels that I am now a warrior priest wearing armor and she is now a blessed Crusader! Although we had no other friends except each other, we are content with each other's company. Strangely enough it is only recently that we found out that for a few months of playing alongside each other, we have not yet been official friends. We never thought that official friend requests matter until we talked about it.

I became entangled with her magnetic, jolly, personality and was definitely snared! She became my one and only official Ragna Friend and that was okay with me at first. But when we both realized that I was her only Ragna Friend too, we both fell silent. I do hope that I was only super overthinking.  

But nevertheless, I am no longer a lone ranger. I am no longer a forlorn hope. I am with a loyal buddy, a true friend through thick and thin. I will be her loyal friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Closer than a brother, Benjamin? Are you sure about that? How do you define that?

I can't. For such a long time, I suffered from a deep personal inferiority complex. I could never face people confidently. Even through many things that people considered as my significant achievement in life, I never had anything that I've been proud of . I consider myself the least among any group that I'm in.

Even when people would ask me to lead the group, I would never dare to be the forerunner. I would usually stay at the sidelines in every activity in school. I seldom mingled with teens when I was young. There are more people in our town that know me than I ever knew. Because of my frail body and weak health, I am seen as the weakling everywhere.

So when I met Amy, who is so opposite of who I am, I was so drawn to her personality that I tend to forget that I am an introvert. She never judged me for being an introvert. She never asked me to get out of my shell. She accepted me for who I am without any reservations nor expectations.

That's why I had been so comfortable playing with her for so long. We split the monster dropped items equally between us. We took time in looking at each other's stats so that we could study further on how to maximize each other's potentials. We never felt jealous when others would like to play with the other player. And never questioned why we are like this.

It is this kind of selflessness that Amy and I would cherish for the rest of our lives. But are we ready to take this next level of relationship? Are we ready to open up to the other person, laying bare our innermost personalities and realities? Am I ready to unfold like an open book to Amy? Will she accept me despite and in spite of everything and anything? Will it be a real hello, or a sad goodbye?

These words kept me awake long into the wee hours the next day. since we talked about our personal boundaries. I cannot believe that for once in my life I'm letting my guard down. For once in my life, I am letting myself be vulnerable. For once in my life I am not the invincible healer. For once in my life I am simply me…Am I ready to be who I really am?

Even if it is only in the virtual world, this virtual world of mine is my only Sanctuary! In the real world, in the world full of my weakness and vulnerability, I found it a better way to step into seclusion of my own . It is in this virtual world that I found my purpose. If I am to break my heart here, Where else will I find refuge?

Benjamin1999 are you ready to open up your heart?