Chapter 7: Honesty is Such a Lonely Word.

"If you search for tenderness, It isn't hard to find. But you won't find it while fighting monsters in dark dungeons. But when you fight alongside someone special to you, you will develop that tenderness inside and you'll never realize that the rabbit hole you're getting into is a one way trip to Love. Because the way to love, like wonderland, has no way out…"

Chapter 7: Honesty is Such a Lonely Word.

 "So, how is your game?"

" Mom! You gave me a fright!"

"I gave you a fright? Since when have I given you a fright?" Mom teasingly asked as she was hugging me from behind. "Unless there's something that you're afraid that I will see, or know? Is there such a thing, dear?

"Yes, mom. But it's not what you think." I replied.

"Was it about a boy named Benjamin?"

"How did you ever know, mom? Have you opened the computer without my knowledge?" I freaked out. "No, it's impossible."

"Did Danny tell you? But he doesn't know yet."

"You're in love?"

"How did you—-"

"I'm your Mom. Am I not supposed to know?"

"But how could you ever know if I haven't even admitted that to myself!" 

"I know you from head to foot, inside and out, Amelia." Mom replied. "But if you insist on knowing how I guessed how you currently feel about him, I'll tell you."

"One, you have changed. Gone were the days of the school primadonna, lingering and loitering at school after classes. No more minions. No more malling time, no more idle moments. Your attitude has also changed for the better. You are now noticeably kinder to everyone. You are now visibly happier. Your smiles nowadays are so contagious! I honestly like how you're faring these days. You almost never asked me for anything. You bought a better computer with your own money. You even paid the bills! 

You never neglected school work unlike other online players that I know of. Is he keeping you in check? You have become more and more responsible even with household chores. You're now always happy to help me in any way you can. If it is to convince me to allow you to play in all your free time, go ahead, you got my permission.

Your daily countenance has changed too, and it's becoming better and better each day. It is if you sleep with a thousand smiles on your face every night! And last but not the least, you never realized that his name is on every tarp you lovingly posted all over the wall."

Oh, Lord. It was so true. 100% accurate and undeniable. How could I ever be so oblivious about all that? I said to myself as I looked around and finally noticed that what she was saying was true. 

"And you're not angry?" I replied. "How come you're not angry?"

"Of course, I'm not angry! How can I be angry about a computer game boyfriend that you have? For one, I never saw him in real life. No danger of physical intimacy. To whom I will be angry about? Two, how can I be angry if I see only positive effects that the game and that boy has on you? That'd be ridiculous if I got angry about that, wouldn't I be?" Mom calmly replied.

"But what would I do? I don't know anything about him except his first name, mom?"

"Does it bother you that you don't know that much about him? Does that bother him too? Would it be better if you knew each other personally?" Mom asked.

"For me, it doesn't bother me that I know so little about him as long as we're happy together. Because for all we know we might be half way across the globe! My only fear is that if he knew I have feelings for him, it might end our friendship." 

"How long have you known him? Is he the kind of guy that would abandon you for petty little things? Is he happy with you and the kind of relationship that you have right now? Mom further inquired.

"I think he is pretty happy when he's with me. He has always been excited to meet me every time we play. Until now, of all the players around the world, I am the only friend he has. He never bothered to have other friends nor accepted any other player's friend request. He never asked me about anything personal except my first name."

"You know Amy, if ain't broke, don't fix it. If it ain't bad, don't throw it away. If he isn't bothered about it, why bother? You could never do anything if he decides to walk away from you, and likewise, he can do nothing if you walk away from him. But if it will hurt you both to say goodbye, why are you worried? You can never add any single moment of happiness to your relationship by worrying. You can never add a good day by feeling bad about it!"

"Have you quarreled?"

"Never."

"So, why worry?"

"Shall I tell him how I feel? Should I wait for him to tell me how he feels?" I asked.

"No, if you're perfectly happy with your current relationship, why bother at all? Why would any of you rock the boat unnecessarily? Have he told you how he feels? Did he ever gave you any hint about how he feels for you"

 "No, but what if he doesn't love me like I love him?" I asked.

"Whoa, hold on, do you really love him?" Mom asked. "Are you sure?"

"Well, he is like Dad in every way so far except that I don't know him as much." I hesitantly replied.

"Don't push it yet. Believe me, Amy, if it is meant to be, It will happen. If it isn't, there's nothing much you can do about it either. Just let time and fate decide for the two of you." Mom consoled me. "For now, just be happy." She hugged me tight in deep compassion.

Take time my dear, Don't rush, I'm not yet ready to lose you to any guy whatsoever. 

_________

I wondered if it is true that if someone is thinking of you all night long, you may find it hard to sleep too? Is Amy thinking about me right now? Or is it just that I am the one who's thinking about her too much? 

Amy is just a game buddy for me.

Is that statement honestly true, Ben? Is Amy just another game buddy that you have? How many game buddies do you actually have? Are you even being honest with yourself? Are you now starting to doubt yourself, or are you denying the truth that you are so afraid to accept? Why are you afraid? Why, Ben?

Amy seems to be perfectly happy about our current relationship. She was always excited every time we went online. Until now, she is the only official friend that I have and I'm hers too. The time we spent together ate up most of our time and we are even sparing time and pinching some more just to spend a moment with each other. The amount of material and immaterial investment we poured out for each other would testify to our unbreakable bond. 

And through all these I can see that I am growing in love with her. 

But, does she love me?

Love Ben? How about you? Do you really love her too?

I honestly don't know yet. But what I am sure of is that every time I spend with her is a time of immense happiness that brings contentment to my life. I have never felt like this before.

Does her happiness bother you? Don't you want her to be happy as much as she can? Will you not spend time with her more because you feel good about your unofficial relationship? 

I looked around and I can see that my own room reflects my world without Amy. Monochromatic, drab, lifeless, sad…In this real world, I am so weak that I amount to almost nothing. Even if all knowledge I possessed turned into physical strength, I will still be a pauper. Even if I spent all the money I got in real life, would it matter?

There, in the Online world, she gave me a place in her heart. She changed me from a fearful man, a weakling, she helped me to become the hero that I am today! She walked into my life and made me so happy that I am so gripped with fear just thinking about the possibility of her walking away if she knew that I love her.

Will she walk away? Why would she walk away? Will I allow her to simply walk away from me? Will I not plead, beg her to stay with me?

I was actually so thankful that I met her. With her, I was given a new dimension in life. A different kind of life in another world ; a life where I am not a weakling. This is a new world where I am needed and cherished. With Amy, the world of Ragnarok Online had been truly my Sanctuary. A place where I am strong, a place where I can be who I want to be. 

So even if she doesn't love me yet, or that she might never truly love me at all, I will cherish every moment being with her. I will do all I can to be always at her side. I will help her, protect her, cherish her all the time. I will learn to be contented with what we have as long as I can keep her happy.

If she would ever love me back, that would be a jackpot!