Chapter 1

Nebraska is my home, known for sweet corn flavored ice cream, steaks, and so on. That much is what anyone can gather by doing a quick search on the internet. I never minded living here, even though it can get quite boring. The food is fine, nothing special though, the weather isn't totally unbearable, and I don't really have much of a choice anyway. I personally believe that if you're happy with the people around you, you'll have no motive that's telling you that you must leave the day you turn eighteen. I guess there's a couple of things going for me here that's kept me believing that I could stand living here the rest of my teenage years, even when it comes to the people here. I used to love getting to know new people, and making friends. I mean, there's art museums, the zoo, and just going for walks even. Many small things I've grown to appreciate that don't involve social interaction. The adults call me "depressed" when they find I'd rather be on my own. I don't think I'm depressed, or broken. I'm finding who I am with every day that goes by. Whether or not people like the person I'm becoming does become an issue sometimes.The part that maybe some just don't realize until they're living here is the amount of religious people there are in the very town I live in. I don't have anything against people of any specific religion, and I think I should start my horrific story off by saying this. I'm not saying that any specific religion is an entire group of pieces of shit, but since this is probably considered the place in Nebraska that's most heavily populated with conservative people all together, and most of those people who have told me I was going to hell growing up were the kids at my school, and the elderly church goers, it's safe to say that they don't really love me around here. I've experienced plenty of disgusting things firsthand from my classmates, people who hardly even know me, and even my own parents. One of the very few exceptions would be my best friend, Noa Maddison.Noa and I met when we were in preschool, attending a regular public elementary school without any religion involved. Without having to worry about who we are, or whether or not our families are conservative or would accept us. At that age, all we knew were toys, snacks, and nap time. We both ended up going to the same high school, as well. An all girls private school. The only problem- well, the biggest, among many other smaller problems -is that I'm not a girl.I'm called Atarah Bucur. But my name is Lucian. It's a shame that nobody will probably ever hear that. I wish I could have been given a more masculine name. Or at least gender neutral. Maybe I would have been given a cooler name than Atarah if my dad had named me. He's entirely Romanian, stays close to his culture, and isn't too obsessed with religion. But since my mother, being the control freak she is, chose my first name, I got stuck with the name Atarah, meaning "crown." I never understood her reasoning, and neither did my father. He wanted me to be named Lucian if I had been born a boy. I was a gucky, yucky, slimy, pink baby, and my mom saw "crown." "Ruler," maybe? Princess? I see a monster. Atarah is a beautiful name, don't get me wrong. But it's just not for me. Much like the countless number of dresses Mother and Father stuck me in growing up, and even now that I am fifteen. They still don't let me pick out my own clothes when we go shopping. Maybe if my dad wasn't such a pushover in the hands of my mother's controlling ways, I could at least pick out one that would make the uncomfortable shell that is my body even the tiniest bit attractive.That, however, wasn't going to happen, and didn't, on New Year's Eve. Being as incredibly strict as they are, my parents planned my first New Year's Eve party, consisting of their coworkers and old friends who haven't seen me since I was three. No friends of mine, and I don't think that would even cross their minds if I had multiple friends. I was however able to invite Noa after begging my parents to let her stay the night at my house (which didn't happen in the end, because her super calm and understanding parents had to drive her drunk ass back home). They wanted just one start to the new year when I would switch things up, but I've always told them, I don't like change, which is kind of ironic. That's all I've wanted to do these days. Change who I am completely, and people would magically accept me. Noa and I love having sleepovers, but especially at her house. Her parents are amazing. I wish I could be adopted by them. Her reality starts to feel like mine when I'm with her, and that makes me happy.We actually started talking in the first place back in preschool at the parent pickup line. I noticed that there were two women sitting in the car. And then Noa got in. I looked back behind me, as usually a mom and a dad would be picking the children up. That was at least what I was used to seeing. But I learned from them how unique people and their families could be, the very next day. I came up to her during recess, and I asked her who was with her in the car the day before, and she responded with "my mommy." Then, I replied with a look of confusion. She then explained to me that the other woman in the car was her "mom." I then looked even more confused, and she started giggling, and then explained that she had a mom and a mommy.The next week at school, I made the mistake of telling our classmates about her two moms. I innocently explained to them that it was cool how people were different. Most kids responded with the same look I gave Noa the week before. While others actually backed away from Noa and started calling her names. I didn't understand why it mattered, and Noa didn't mind. She stood proud and took every last tease and taunt. I told them to back off, and even hit a kid, which landed me in time out. But the teacher didn't even flinch when those kids bullied my friend. I then found out that most of my classmates had already been told by their parents that being gay meant you were going to Hell. And then I found out what would happen if you were transgender. One little boy even told me that a monster would come out at night and eat a trans person. Still, our friendship never wavered even when I told everyone about her family. She loved me like a sibling regardless.But there I was, the night of New Year's Eve, wearing a flowy, sparkly black dress. Ready to lie to her once again. My hazel colored eyes popped with the matching color of the pendant I got for my fifteenth birthday, but they were still heavy with guilt. The dress had off-the-shoulder sleeves. The back was laced up, but exposed so much skin, I was surprised my mom picked it out. It was a beautiful dress. It wasn't tacky colored, or cluttered with lace or pearls. I mean, it would be gorgeous. On anyone else. I was still terrified to come out to anyone, but not ashamed anymore, if that even makes any sense. I would have loved to be honest with everyone about myself. But my parents would be likely to kick me out, and I couldn't risk that, so I stayed silent. I wouldn't have had anywhere to go if they kicked me out that night. I had no license, no permit, and no job or money. I was only a sophomore, and I needed a proper education. And the school I was currently attending was one of the best in the state. It's the people that could use plenty of improvement. I don't like to make excuses, but my parents are very wealthy people, so they weren't in any rush to teach me how to drive, or push me to get a job. I could very well live on my own, and be independent, but there they were. With everything. Everything except a true, deep connection with me. I was quite literally spoiled, but even I can't pretend like most kids in my situation that I'm happy all the time, with my luxurious clothing, and a huge house.Noa knocks on our front door, which I had just walked past to get to the kitchen and grab the snacks. I know it's her standing on the other side, because we have our own special knock. Two knocks, pause, three knocks, and two softer knocks. I guess nobody else ever really visits me, but Now has tons of people coming over all the time, ever since her mothers adopted their son, Jackson. He became popular at his high school almost immediately. I've met some of his friends, and the only memorable one out of the group is Sebastian. He's the other thing I've got going for me in this town. I could have spent all night drooling over him, but then I remembered that Noa had knocked on the door. I finally open it, and there stands my best friend. She's wearing dirty acid washed jeans with holes she ripped in them herself. Her knees have grass stains on them and her curly blonde hair was in a messy ponytail that looked like it got converted into a nest for a baby bird. She pushes her glasses up to keep them from sliding down her nose."Hey," she says nonchalantly, wiping her nose on her torn and tattered Christmas sweater sleeve."Uh, Noa?" I ask, as if I didn't recognize her. I step back, allowing her to come in. She slips off her cowboy boots and looks me dead in the eyes as she slaps her hands on both of my shoulders."You look amazing, Atarah! Did your parents pick that out for you?""Yeah, they did, actually. I was as surprised as you are. But, not as surprised as I am right now. What the hell happened to you?" I try to keep a straight face, but all I really wanted was to pull out my phone, take pictures, and laugh at her. "Did you get attacked by a bird?""I mean, if you count my brother. He was squawking at me to finish getting ready cause he needed the bathroom. He stole my hair straightener so I chased him out into the yard, and we ended up wrestling. Our moms pulled us apart then hauled me into the car. And, here I am.""Oh. Shit, man," I sigh through a forced smile. I honestly wasn't that surprised. More envious than anything. She's allowed to act and dress like a tomboy, but I'm too insecure to wear straight-cut jeans out in public in fear that I'd be "found out."Unfortunately, when an idea like that gets lodged in my head, it gets stuck there all night. And that night, it was going to follow me into the next year.We sat down on the large white couch across from my brother, who was ignoring us and talking very loudly on his phone."Stefan, quit being an ass! We have company!""Language, Atarah!"my mother warns. She comes walking down the stairs behind my father, who nearly tripped and fell, texting on his phone instead of looking where he was going."Sorry! But Stefan is being a jerk. You always tell us to have manners, right?"My mom ignores me, and so does my dad. They both go into the kitchen and begin preparing the ingredients for my father's famous cabbage rolls. I personally think they are absolutely disgusting, but Noa loves them. My mother encouraged her to try them the first time she had a sleepover here, when we were only five. We make them every New Year now. It became a tradition when Noa expressed her love for them, and she began coming over for sleepovers every New Year's Eve since then.Stefan gets up from the couch and goes upstairs into his bedroom to talk to his friend. Noa immediately gets up and plops down on her back onto the couch Stefan was hogging and stretches out, making herself comfortable. She hangs her head down off the couch and smiles at me. "So, another New Year's Eve without a boy to kiss?"I give her a knowing look. I would have told her if something as miraculous as that happened. But she takes my look a bit differently."Wait, are you like a lesbian or something?" She asks, making sure her voice is low enough that my parents don't hear, in case my answer was yes."Oh, no. No, I like guys, but no guys like me. You know the drill.""I know one guy who likes you." She responds quietly as she sits up on the couch."Seriously? Wait, who?!" I sit up straight as well. She had my full attention now."Sebastian~" she responds in a sing-song voice."Really? Like, actually?" I can feel a blush creeping across my cheeks."Ha! I knew it! You like him! Jackson said he had a hunch. Also, no. He doesn't. I mean, I didn't ask, but I didn't think you would appreciate it if I did.""No," I say coldly, "I would not. And I don't have a crush on him. I hardly even know him.""But you think he's cute," Noa points out."Well, yeah, maybe," I shrug.Noa leaps up from the couch, her eyes lingering on the food my parents were preparing. She discarded our conversation when she finally realized what they were making. She walks into the kitchen like she owns the place and wraps her arms around my mom and dad's shoulders. I'm not even that comfortable with them. I watch as they laugh, and smile, and celebrate by singing along to the music quietly playing on the radio on the kitchen counter. I barely ever hear my parents sing. My mother had such a beautiful voice. It both makes me sad, and amazed. It's like she needs to be in a lifechanging mood to look this happy, like whenever she's around Noa. My mother and father both love her, even though I'm sure that would change if they knew her second mother wasn't the housekeeper. They should just adopt her. And then I could live with her two moms, and be Lucian.I decide to go upstairs to my bedroom, and maybe bug Stefan on the way. I first went into the bathroom, though. I wipe the makeup off my face, revealing my flawed skin, with acne, and my chapped lips. The one thing I love about myself is my hair, because it's so long, and healthy. I take pride in keeping it in good condition. Even if I do ever transition, I'm not cutting my hair. It's a dark chocolate brown, and flows down my back. I haven't gotten anything more than a trim since I was in the first grade. I comb through it as I think about how much different my life would be if I were to come out to my parents. It was always an option, but the odds of them being okay with it and not disowning me entirely are slim to none. I finish up in the bathroom, and pass by Stefan as I walk toward my bedroom. He's still talking on the phone. Since he apparently tries to come off as annoying as possible, he leaves his phone on speaker as he picks up the laundry tossed all over the floor of his room. He shouts his responses as he rushes to clean his room. I stay listening by the door, but out of his sight. I recognized the voice on the other end. It was Jackson, Noa's brother. They were planning to go to their own party tonight. I knew that if Jackson was going to be somewhere, Sebastian would most likely be there. I actually considered asking if Noa knew anything about it, or even asking Stefan if I could come with if I felt truly desperate. Instead, I end up leaving before I get caught eavesdropping, and go into my room.On my bed was a pile of movies we planned on watching. We were going to stay up all night. I usually make it through the night, but Noa falls asleep by 2am. I even considered telling her my secret, starting off the new year with a huge accomplishment. I honestly didn't think she would be surprised or weirded out, but I'm not a risk taker. It's just not ideal for me right now. I've been feeling too anxious and sad to open up to people. Even Noa. Our dynamic has certainly changed a bit in the last year. We've gotten closer, and we have been spending more time together, but it's been a while since she's opened up to me and we've had a deep conversation. I'm still trying to figure out my plan. Or if I will even have one. What will happen after I move out of this house? Where will I go? When can I be myself?If I didn't have to rely on everything chaotic around me somehow going according to plan, which would never happen, I would have all the answers: I'm going to become a history teacher. Not in Nebraska. They will call me Mr. Bucur, and there will be nobody around in my new setting that will mistake me as a female. I will get surgery to make my chest flat, and grow a beard. I'll wear shoes that make me feel tall and confident in my short, stubby, awkwardly feminine body. I'll have a deep, booming voice, and talk to my parents in that voice. Even if it's just once, before they cut me off for good. I'll date whoever I want, go out when I want, and be free. I love my parents, but I know deep down that they won't love who I am, once they know. I'd rather move out before I tell them, instead of being trapped for another three years with everyone around me hating me.I hear footsteps coming up the stairs as I sit on the edge of my bed. I recognize the heaviness in them. It's my dad. I then hear his voice."Bianca, I got it! I'm just gonna grab Atarah!" I got up from my bed, where I had been sitting, dreaming of my future. I look up at the mirror above my dresser, and realize that I had been crying. I wiped my tears away, but knew my father would notice. Underneath my eyes were puffy and pink."Atarah, we're gonna-" I turned around to face him. I looked both stunning, and hideous in my dress. The beautiful dress with the ugly mutant inside. All I was paying attention to as I glanced at the mirror from the corner of my eye was how uncomfortable I looked. But my father was paying attention to my eyes."Sweetie, what's wrong? Why cry when we could be celebrating? Aren't you happy?""Yes. Yes, of course. I guess I'm just a little...emotional, since the year is ending." As I speak, my father sits down on the edge of my bed, and gently pats the spot next to him, signaling me to sit. I sit down, and turn to face him."I get it. I used to feel that way too. I still do sometimes, but now I know my place in the world, and that any good memories will reoccur, and be just as great the next year. Any bad, then, we know we have something we can work to do better at, so we have that going for us. I look back, and think about how every year, even if I feel like some were wasted, it led me to create this beautiful family. Now, chin up. Let's go outside. Your mother dug up some old fireworks from the basement. Come, let's see if they work."It was amazing that even though he had no idea what I was really crying about, his words made me feel better. Even if it's considered wasting my teen years by pretending, I know I won't always have to. I followed him downstairs, and to my surprise, even Stefan came out of his room and took a break from talking to Jackson to join us. We set off bottle rockets, roman candles, and other random little fireworks none of us had ever heard of or remembered buying. Noa was fitting in just fine with my family, and from anyone else looking at us, I probably looked like the odd one out. Not a part of the family. I just feel so disconnected. Like, they are trying to bond with a stranger, and if I had been born a boy, I would be comfortable and they would be more forthcoming as well. We watched old movies that my dad seemed to love, Noa loved to make fun of, and Stefan called "just lame." We ate snacks and shared our favorite stories from the year, and bonded. Still, I felt like a stranger in my family and my skin. More than ever before, I think.It was around 10:00, and we all turned to look at the door when the bell rang. Stefan shot my parents a guilty look. My mother got up to answer it, and it was Jackson. And his friends. I first saw him enter alongside a kid named Greg, then another who I didn't know the name of, and then finally, Sebastian Galanis.My dad stands up from the couch protectively. "Who is this, Stefan? Atarah? Noa? I didn't say you-""Oh, come on, Mihai. Let them have their fun." My mother replies, letting something slide for once in her life.Since their friends couldn't make it to our little party, my parents let the guys stay and watch movies with us. Well, that's what they had said when they invited them in. We ended up all going upstairs into my room, since it was big enough for all of us. At that moment, I wanted to trip up the stairs on purpose, concuss myself, and have everyone go home."What happened to the party?" I ask Stefan as we make our way up to the second floor."What party? Oh, you heard about that? Yeah, well, actually we were making plans here.""But Dad said no parties with your friends since the out-of-town-incident.""Come on, Atarah, it will be fun. I hope we didn't ruin your night. Henry brought drinks." Sebastian says as he follows behind me. I nearly jump, being both startled and soothed by the sound of his unique voice.Seb was born in Greece, but moved here when he was ten, and had a thick accent. It was easy to understand what he was saying most of the time, but at that moment, I couldn't think straight. I don't drink. But I was tempted. Drinking doesn't make someone look cool. If anything, I think it makes you look like an idiot if you drink when you're underage. But I would do just about anything for him. Perhaps I could even fake my tipsiness and stumble so he has to catch me, and wrap his big, strong arms around me as his veiny, muscular hands grip my waist so I don't fall. He was so gentle, and caring when I first met him. I was at Noa's house last year. It was around thanksgiving. Jackson had become friends with him during his first week of school. Since my school was only full of girls, I only got to see him occasionally when I was at Noa and Jackson's house. He offered to prepare a Greek snack for all of us. I can't remember what it was, or how it tasted. Just how invested he looked while preparing it, and how soft his lips looked as he spoke. He made small talk with Noa and I, while Jackson ignored him. He would carefully hold a plate for each of us, one in each hand. And the next morning, he helped prepare an amazing Thanksgiving meal for us. In Greece, he worked at his family's restaurant, so he was both an amazing cook, and great at balancing plates and waiting on people. Nothing discouraged that man. He was confident, and strong. But he allowed himself to be genuine around others. Vulnerable. He had long, black, beautiful hair. He made me jealous. It occurred to me many times before as I'd lay in bed at night when I couldn't fall asleep that maybe I just wanted to be him, rather than date him.Once we got inside my room, I closed the door behind me, forgetting about Sebastian. Shit. Thank God he wasn't directly in front of the door when I opened it. In fact, he was walking back down the stairs."Atari, or, whatever your name is! Sebastian, come on! This beer is gonna get warm." Henry calls. I wave my hand behind me."Hold on, I'll be there. And, it's Luc- Atarah. My name's Atarah." I followed Sebastian down the staircase."Hey, where are you going?" I asked curiously."Oh, h-hey! Wow, that startled me. Sorry, I heard the music playing in your kitchen. I figured it was your parents that had the great taste. Um, I was also going to offer to make snacks. It's...kind of my thing." He explained. God, he could read me the entire dictionary and I would listen to every last word. I stood there for a moment, with what I would like to call a dreamy look in my eyes, but was probably just awkward and unsettling."Oh, yeah, uh, that actually makes us both. Um, with the good music taste. I'm always playing that sorta stuff. I prefer older rock bands. I appreciate the effort they put into every last lyric, you know? Every last note." I continue to ramble on like an idiot, until I snap back to reality, completely embarrassed. "Hey, would you like some help, if you're going to make snacks? My parents will never turn down food, and, as long as I'm given a good teacher, I'll work just fine.""Sure, yeah. Are they...expecting us?" He glances up the staircase."Probably. But, they can wait." I shrug, and instinctively take his hand and lead him to the kitchen, like I do with Noa when she isn't paying attention."Oh, shit. Sorry, habit!" I pull my hand away, but he pulls it back."You're fine, you're fine. Wow, I love this ring you're wearing! Where did you get it? Oh, and it matches your necklace. It's stunning." He examines my hand closely. He surely wasn't shy like I was."Oh, that? I got it from my parents. My dad always gets me a matching set of jewelry for my birthday.His gaze reaches my eyes. "They match your eyes. They're like...golden.""Um, thanks. Assuming that's a compliment." I laugh nervously."Oh. You're shaking. Have you eaten much today? I can make you some saganaki, if you have the ingredients.""Saga-what?" I shoot him a hopeless smile. I needed to learn more about food."You got goat cheese? Feta? I can work with anything, really.""I'm afraid we don't. But, out of curiosity, what's...in it?""Oh, well the next time you're free I'll bring over the ingredients. All of my incredibly white friends enjoy it. It's as boring, and bland as their accents. Haven't met an American that doesn't like cheese.""Wow, I'm not sure if that was an insult, or just a joke," I laugh. "But, you are aware that I'm half Romanian, right?""I don't hear an accent~" he sings, grabbing a plate from the cupboard. "Please tell me you at least have some kind of cheese. Cheese and crackers?"I nod as we share a brief moment of eye contact, both of us smiling from his previous remark. He tries stepping forward, so I move with him, still holding his hand.Once Sebastian noticed the look my father was giving us, he snatched his beautiful hand away from mine. "Sorry to give you the wrong idea, Mr. Bucur. Uh, lovely home, by the way. Is this marble countertop?"We both turn to each other and begin laughing. His smile was the most adorable and contagious smile I have seen in a long time.As we began preparing the cheese and crackers, he brought up something I wished he didn't, because I was still feeling embarrassed about it. "So, the hand thing?""Hm?""You know, when you grabbed my hand. You said it was a habit. Do you have little siblings? Cousins?""Oh, uh, actually, Noa.""Noa? Makes sense. I'm sorry. She's a great gal, but not the brightest, or, most attentive one in the box." He responds, preparing the plates."Yeah, I know what you mean. She's really the only friend I got, though.""Really? I figured you would be really popular at your school. You're really pretty, and Noa tells me you're really good at history?"I blushed heavily at his words. "Thanks. I'm glad someone thinks so. I really don't care about looking pretty. Just looking like myself.""There's a difference?""Yeah, I guess you could say that." I respond under my breath."Did I upset you? I'm terribly sorry if I did," he apologizes cautiously."No, no. It's just...complicated. You don't want to hear about it, that's all. Let's just finish up here and go back to our friends.""Friends. If you wanna say that.""What? Now you're acting all mysterious over here? Aren't those guys your friends? I don't know them.""Well, I just hang out with them because they hang out with Jackson, and I came with them because Jackson is one of my friends. I hate bringing this up here, because it seems a lot of us here think differently on the subject, but they are extremely homophobic. I just...think differently.""So do I." I smile."Really? Well, that makes, maybe one in a million, given my luck with friends. Nobody should be ashamed of being themselves.""Are we friends?" I ask hesitantly."Do you wanna be?" He asks, offering me a plate, and taking one large one out to my parents."Sure, yeah. I'd like that."We went back upstairs, and the group was already getting waisted. My room was being torn apart by Greg, who was looking for a shirt of mine for some reason. Then, he turns to face me, and he is covered with throw up. And, then I realized that Henry had no shirt on."Wow...guys. What the hell happened here?" Sebastian asks hesitantly, as if he was afraid to know."What happened here?" Noa asks. "What happened down there? You guys have been gone an awfully long time."We set down two plates of cheese and crackers. "Nothing, Noa. We were just preparing snacks."We all enjoyed the snack and then watched a classic horror movie that Henry suggested. The boys were acting like animals and tearing up everything in my room, undoing all the cleaning I did last week. Sebastian noticed soon however that they were being really loud and too destructive for my taste, and settled down next to me and Noa on the bed. He looks to the left and offers a silent apology. We pause the movie when it is just about over to go downstairs, and count down the seconds until midnight with my parents. They set up a countdown on the television. We all gather near the television, ready with our noise makers. Noa is making eyes at Henry, and he begins to wrap his hand around her waist.When there is only a minute left until then, Greg whispered into Sebastian's ear. Since both of them were a bit drunk, I was scared of what was going to happen. They dance around in an attempt to come to an agreement. Sebastian repeats the words, "No, no, no." He finally gives up, throwing his hands in the air. I thought for a moment he was just being dramatic. Sebastian suggested we stay in the corner instead of gathering closer to the TV like the rest of the group was doing. We all chant in unison as a knot forms in my stomach. "Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven!"Seb tugs on my arm, getting me to face him. My eyes go wide, and my head starts to ache. I almost feel like I've been here before. Like I know what's going to happen. "Six! Five! Four! Three! Two!"He takes a step closer. "One." He whispers.He gently grabs the back of my head, and kisses me."Happy New Year!" Everyone screams. Nobody is even looking at us."I'm so sorry, Atarah." His lips pull apart from mine. I tried my hardest not to grab him, though I knew damn well it was just a silly thought. I would never have the courage to make a move like that. As soon as I let my thoughts catch up to me, I'm met with a completely different scene when I blink. He approaches Greg, his back turned to me. He lowers his voice even more. What was already muffled was completely inaudible now. He holds out his hand, claims forty dollars from him, and then leaves.