Chapter 6
"Ooh, I'm gonna steal it and try a sip. I haven't had that kind."
Jesse and I make our way back out to the car after paying. We left later than we wanted to because we had to find my mom. Nobody knew where she was. It turned out that she was in the basement. Jesse found her. She had started smoking again. I started to realize what may be happening, and Jesse noticed the changes, too. But I didn't want to really believe it unless I was sure. But they wouldn't be getting a divorce, would they? My mother is indulging in her old, bad habits, and my father is a wreck behind closed doors and no longer brave and strong. Please, just tell me it's old age. Or they're both having normal midlife crises. I don't want to have divorced parents. I won't be able to decide who to live with. They would both be unbearable. More than right now, where at least one parent balances the other out.
My birthday still isn't ruined yet, and I don't plan on that happening. We had our energy drinks so we can stay awake all night for maximum sleepover fun, and Noa and Jesse can always cheer me up, so there was no doubt that this birthday was going to be one of my favorites, since they were both going to be spending time with me.
I have to keep giving Jesse the directions to Noa's house, and then he would miss the turns. So, about twenty minutes later, we finally arrived at her house. She's standing out on the porch, with her cat, Sprinkles. She named it when she was five, thinking it was a girl. If she had known, she would have named him "Glitter" instead.
My first and only pet's name was Beelzebub. He was a scorpion but only lived a couple of months. My mom wanted us to have a pet dog, so that was Stefan's responsibility. The poor bulldog just wanted a friend and tried to get Beelzebub's terrarium onto the floor. Cheese Doodle scared the scorpion so badly that he stung her. She grew ill, and my mother grew furious. She killed my poor scorpion right in front of me and wondered why I don't like spending time with her or want another pet. Cheese Doodle passed away the next year. She survived the sting but couldn't fight off cancer. We haven't had a pet since then. Ten years later, and I'm still traumatized. But I love animals just the same, if not more. My mother? Quite the opposite.
"Noa! Sprinkles!" I ran to them, forgetting about Jesse, who was slowly and shyly following behind me. Sprinkles were gray and white and fluffy. He was slightly overweight, but the cutest thing I've seen, especially with his bright green eyes.
"Happy birthday again! Come in, you guys."
"Jesse, get over here! She won't bite," I call, knowing it wasn't actually the truth. She would do anything for the last donut at school breakfast. And if that meant nipping at my arm to get her way, that's what she would do. Of course, everyone at school who sees us together is either wondering if we are dating or think we are just the dorkiest people in the school. I actually think the whole label "the weird kids" at our school is just made for us two specifically.
Jesse follows us in, carrying the energy drinks. "I can get the bags too, if you want."
"No, no. We can get it. Go on in. We even made gingerbread cookies," Diana offers as she rushes in through the kitchen to give me a hug.
"Thank you, Diana. You guys always spoil me," I say as I return her hug. I can hear Ashe typing on the family computer. Ashe was thinner than Diana. She went to an Ivy League college and provided mostly for the family, working at a boutique at the mall, and also being a journalist. Diana worked from home and took care of house chores along with Jackson and Noa. They looked like polar opposites. Ashe was pale and skinny, with shoulder-length black hair, glasses, and pale green eyes. She was short and loved wearing loose band tees and drinking vodka to celebrate with her co-workers. She scrapbooked and painted in her free time. Diana was a bit bigger, had blonde curly hair, a beautiful smile, and always wore it proudly, and would do just about anything for her own children and her children's friends. She liked to bake and play the guitar. She used to be a dancer, and played tennis in high school.
Diana went to the door to head out and grab Jesse and I's things. She stopped and smiled widely at Jesse. He stepped forward and reached out to shake her hand as he smiled politely. She shook her head disapprovingly and went in for a hug. "Welcome, Jesse! I hope you like cookies. We're also gonna have cake and lemon bread. I hope you like at least one of those. If not, I can make you whatever you want, sweetheart."
"Diana, grab the bags and quit scaring the kids," Ashe warns as she peeks her head out of the living room, where she had been sitting at the desk where the family computer was. "Hey, sweetheart. Happy birthday."
Once everything was piled on the recliner in the living room, we cracked open our energy drinks, and Noa's moms both grabbed a drink of their own. We sat closely on the couch together. Ashe and Diana on the right of me, Jesse on my left, and Noa sitting further away from me on the left side. "So, where's Jackson?" I ask quietly to Noa as her parents pick the first movie for us to watch.
"He's out with Seb. They're probably just at the park, playing basketball. Why? You wanna see 'em?"
"No!" I reply, yelling in a whisper. Jesse giggles and turns away from me.
"Oh, what, Jess? Wanna go see your boyfriend?" I tease.
"Um, what?" Noa asked, a curious smile spreading across her face."
"Oh, yeah, Seb called Jesse cute. I mean, great for him, but God, I wish I didn't let him slip away."
"You know, Tarah, I suspected him and Noa were dating for a minute, but then I saw you look at him last year. I thought you two would have been adorable together. But you didn't really let him slip away if you think about it. He just doesn't like women," Ashe points out.
I look to my left, and Jesse is giving me an encouraging smile. I feel butterflies in my stomach. I knew it was about to happen. I clear my throat. "Um, Noa, didn't you say that you guys got matching pajamas for us?"
"Pajamas? For me, too? Did you even get the right size?" Jesse asks.
"Yeah, Tarah gave me your size. But we can put those on later, though. We're gonna watch your favorite movie first. Ready?" Noa asked, bouncing slightly on the couch cushions.
"I have to tell you all something first," I finally announce, the room going quiet as Diana skips past the advertisements. It was more delivered like I was being forced. I sound guilty.
"What's on your mind, honey? Did you want a cookie?" Diana asks.
"Oh, no, thank you. Not yet. No, uh, I have something important I've been hiding. Jess actually talked me into finally being honest."
Noa reaches out to place a hand on my shoulder. She switches spots with Jesse to give me support, even though she didn't know for sure what I was going to confess.
"I've actually been terrified to tell you guys, or, anyone. For years."
"Tarah," Noa begins, "You can always be honest with us. We aren't strangers to being different."
"True," I sigh, "Well, I- Jesse? Help?" I squeak out helplessly. Only two words into my confession, and I was close to giving up and changing the topic. But Jesse and I knew there was no going back at this point.
Jesse swallows hard, getting nervous for me. He sits up straight and calmly begins speaking. "What they're saying is that they don't want to be Tarah. They aren't Tarah," Jesse explains, allowing me to confess to them more directly, but getting me started so I don't break down from nervousness.
"Yes, I would... I would really like it if you would all call me Lucian instead."
"So, are you saying you want to be a boy?" Noa asks gently, not wanting to push me too much.
"Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I'm transgender," I breathe out. My hands are shaking, and my fingers are rubbing against my others in nervousness.
Ashe got up from the couch and did something I didn't expect her to do. Maybe Diana or Noa, but not the shy, quiet, "resting-bitch-face" having Ashe. She was especially close to me, even though she stayed quiet a lot of the time. She was introverted like me, and I, for some reason, felt closer to her, and more comfortable. But don't get me wrong. I love them both. They're family. She kneels down in front of me and takes my fidgeting hands on her own, which are smaller and thinner than mine. Her voice was soft and quiet. She makes sure I'm looking at her as she speaks. "We support you, Lucian. You're still the same kid we love. Right, guys?"Everyone in the room gathers around and gives me acceptance and warmth with their words and hugs. I knew after I had considered it for a while that I wouldn't be judged here, but I wasn't expecting all of this. I felt a wave of relief wash over me, and as the last bit of nervousness and tension vanished, so did Atarah. At least, here. And I'm always welcome here. I surprisingly didn't cry at all, but Jesse and Noa were in tears. Noa was hardly even surprised. She had seen the signs here and there and just didn't want to assume, and instead, gave me time to be completely honest. She was happy that I decided to be myself around her, because as a best friend, it's her job to stand up for me, and know everything about me. Make me feel comfortable and happy, and know my real name. Jesse was just proud of me. He can get very emotional sometimes, but usually doesn't let anyone see. He wiped his remaining tears from his cheek and then joined the rest of us, standing up. Noa grabbed a bag with the pajamas and handed a pair to each of us. Even her moms got some. They were different colors, based on our favorites. They were long sleeve button-up flannel tops and came with a matching set of pants. Ashe got a gray pair, Diana picked out pink, Noa got purple, I got blue, and Jesse also got purple. We all went into a bedroom or bathroom in the house to change into them. We all met up once we had gotten dressed, Jesse taking the longest. He explained to us all that he needed to apply an extra layer of lip gloss.
I shake my head, enjoying the fact that he's opened up already and isn't shy around all of us together, and wasn't going to hide his antics. I think of Noa's house as my happy place. My sanctuary where I am safe. "Come on, Jess," I encourage, patting the small spot between Noa and I. He is able to squeeze in there. The couch wasn't very big, but we managed to all snuggle close and make it work as we watched the first movie.
Jackson returns home around 8:30. We had just started our second movie. Ashe and Noa moved onto the floor because they got too hot and wanted more space. "Hey, Lucian," Ashe asks, "Would you mind refilling this plate of cookies? One half sugar cookies, one half chocolate chip?"
"Yeah, sure," I smile. I grab the plate from her and turn around to head to the kitchen. I stop dead in my tracks and nearly turn back around and run upstairs. Then I remember that their house doesn't have an upstairs, except for the attic, where Jackson sometimes hangs out when he has friends over. Which was exactly where he would be going because he decided that he would bring a little friend over.
"Hey, Tarah. Happy birthday. If I had known sooner, I would have texted you! You're sixteen now, right?"
I nearly dropped the plate onto the floor. I stayed standing frozen with a half-grin half-panicked look on my face. I blink a couple of times, turning my head away from the Greek god standing before me. "Hey, Seb," I managed to greet, reluctantly taking a step forward. Oh, God. Oh, God, no.
His arms were opened wide for a hug. The only way I was going to make it through this interaction was by turning off my brain and following my instincts. Going on autopilot. His arms were open, he wanted a hug, and I needed to return the hug. So I do.
Except I forgot that if I wanted to hug someone with a plate in my hand, I could hold it with one hand instead of two, but not either. I awkwardly wrap my hands around him, letting go of the grip on the plate with my right hand. The plate comes crashing down into tons of shards on the floor. Sebastian and I both jump from the noise, but unlike me, he doesn't even move his hands and stays hugging me.
I eventually jerked away from his embrace, signaling to him that I needed him to let go. We both frantically apologize, not really knowing if it was directed to each other for the awkward hug or the fact that I dropped the plate.
Before I can even take another step to sweep it up or anything, Ashe calls out, "I'll take care of it! Lucian, you can just grab another plate and get those cookies if you would. Thank you, sweetheart."
Panic floods my expression all over again. Ashe and I both freeze at the same exact moment, and I shoot her the look to just go with it. I would take care of it if need be. I finally grab the cookies and then bring the plate back out to the living room, where Sebastian had sat down on the recliner that wasn't covered with luggage and blankets.
"Hey, Atarah, what was that name that Ashe called you? Lucie? Luc- Loose-"
"Inside joke. From a movie we watched. It was nothing. Um, want a cookie?" I offer him a cookie, holding the plate up to him, nearly dropping it again. I feel my cheeks burning from embarrassment. I sit back down on the couch, carefully, after Seb takes a sugar cookie. I sit next to Jesse, whose eyes widen. The look on his face was one I could easily read: He was mortified for me, but also... disappointed.
I didn't know exactly why I didn't tell Sebastian. I mean, I didn't want Jackson telling my brother or him to judge me, but I really, really do like him. A lot. And I could have possibly had a chance at a relationship with him, but now, since I didn't tell him the truth, he probably just thinks even less of me. I made a complete fool of myself.
At least two other people could find romance tonight. I look to my left and find Jesse braiding Noa's hair. They were both behaving awkwardly, almost making me forget about what happened between me and Seb. I noticed when Noa tried to flirt. She would compliment someone's hair or clothes, then ask them to do something for her so she could praise them for it. She had him reeled in, and I kind of felt bad for Jess in a way. He was going back to Arizona in two days, and Noa was also a bit of a player. She was always falling for a different guy every other week.
Sebastian and Jackson went upstairs about halfway through our second movie. Ashe and Diana were going out to the kitchen every now and then to work on the cake as we spent time together. Chocolate cake was my favorite, so they make it for me every year.. "You guys wanna help decorate?" Diana calls out. We all rush out to the kitchen, sliding in our socks across the floor. Decorating the cake was the best part. We would draw designs with gel, from people, to little doodles of animals, and even getting our chocolate sprinkles we used as hair taken away from us one year because Noa thought it would be funny to draw a naked man on my cake when I was in the bathroom. If I wasn't a dramatic twelve year old the year that happened, I would have high fived her. That year was the first year Diana started making her lemon bread. That was my cake that year because I wasn't in the mood to have a slice of cake with a hairy naked man on it.
As Noa and I share stories with her parents and Jess, we get lost in our decorating. Jesse and I make a unicorn in the center, with brown decorating gel, rainbow sprinkles, and leftover white frosting. Noa makes little stick figures with funny hair. Ashe then brings out a surprise she had promised us. It was in the fridge, in a container. Inside were my other favorite: chocolate covered strawberries. We placed them on the edges all around the cake after Noa had picked out her one big slice, since she couldn't have strawberries. Once we are finished, and everyone else is starting to dig in, I excuse myself to the bathroom. I move into the living room, check my phone to see if my mother or father has messaged me, and then turn to my right. I take two steps toward the hall, and then I stop. I could have sworn that I was hallucinating for a moment. Seb was everywhere.
In front of me, coming down from the attic, was Sebastian. He runs his fingers through his hair. I get completely sidetracked, watching him talk to Jackson. He looked upward, listening to Jackson's order, like a poor servant. He was going to get a piece of cake for each of them. I turn away as quickly as I can once Jackson stops talking, pretending I wasn't just staring at him.
"Hey, Tarah! I'm sorry we're just hiding out up there, but I figured you wanted your girl's night. Plus Jesse," he explains, flashing me his adorable smile.
"No, no, you're fine. I mean, if you wanted to hang down here, we're about to have some cake."
"Well, I have to bring a piece back for Jackson, so -"
"I'm sorry. But do you ever get sick of doing what everyone tells you to do?"
"Excuse me," he chuckles.
"No, I mean, I don't know. I'm sorry. I just get a little nervous around you. I'm sorry!" I frantically apologize, wishing I could just disappear.
"Oh, wow, well, I'm sorry if I'm any bother to you. Are you sure you aren't upset about last weekend?"
"No, not upset. With you. I don't want to make things weird or linger on it, but... I guess you could say that I'm starting to see how unfair life can be."
Seb meets me in the middle as I am about to head into the bathroom and stops me. I've learned very quickly that he is a hugger. He wraps his arms around my waist. It's always the same spot on my waist. His hugs feel so warm and protective. He always seems to smell like strawberries and tastes like it from my one and only experiences with him. "I know, I know. I do. Life can upset us. And I really, seriously wouldn't blame you if you were upset with me. Maybe, if things were just a bit different."
"But maybe they aren't what they seem," I whisper under my breath.
"What's that?"
"Nothing. Thank you. I'll be out in a minute."
***"Wow, this turned out really good. Your cakes get better each year, Diana.""Yeah, this is really good, Mrs. Maddison. Thank you," Jesse says between bites of cake. He shakes his fluffy hair out of his eyes, avoiding getting chocolate or frosting in his hair.
"You know, Lucian, if you ever want me to cut your hair -" Diana begins. I cut her off with the rapid shaking of my head.
"Nope, not gonna do it. I love my hair. I've gotten really good at taking care of it. I have thought about it, but I would rather keep it than meet others expectations of what I should look like after I come out," I respond, grinning at Jesse.
"So, Lucian, how long have you and Jesse known each other?" Ashe asks, grabbing a soda from the fridge.
"We were five years old. It was the second year I had been to Arizona."
"Do you miss going to Arizona every summer?" She asks.
"Kind of. I mean, it sucked when we couldn't see each other anymore, but " I wrap an arm around Jesse's shoulder. "I'm just thankful I have my two best friends right now." I wrap my other arm around Noa, who was off in her own world, staring at her reflection in the window.
She had a problem with getting attached way too quickly. The one upside is that the few things she does right in getting boyfriends can help me, and I use all of her experience to my advantage. However, a good majority of the things she does without thinking before she speaks or does is how I learn what not to do. Which, I completely ignored whenever I was actually around Sebastian. I really do love her like a sister, but I was the more intelligent and logical one. I was always more cautious. But she is the perfect friend material. She knows how to keep a secret and support people. She was really good at sneaking out, and taught me, so we could do it together, though I am usually too busy cleaning or studying, while she would rather spend time watching TV, or with a friend. But, here we were. Noa and I, and now Jesse, all being with me tonight, showed me that we can be so different, but so perfect as friends.
Still, I'm cheering and whooping and singing karaoke with my friends, but I wish that Sebastian could be a part of it. Is this how it's going to be now? In any situation I'm happy in, I want more, and I'm constantly distracted by a guy I can't have?
We eat so many snacks that we end up feeling miserable and full, and the pajamas were way too warm, and we didn't even finish the entire second movie, but it was nearly perfect. And, as we were about to just take some medicine for our belly aches, Jackson and Sebastian came downstairs. I knew by the change in Sebastian's outfit that this was going to be an even stranger night.
A loose gray shirt that belonged to Jackson, black and red basketball shorts, and he had just gotten done taking a shower. His hair was still damp. He entered the living room, and the second he opened his mouth, Ashe said, "Yes."
Seb knew that he was always welcome here. On the one hand, I was feeling bad, but on the other, I was happy that he was going to be staying up with us all night. He's told me that he's the one that usually stays up all night during sleepovers. But, I knew by the look on his face the reason why he was staying here. His mom and step dad are getting a divorce. And, it caused extra tension in the house. His little sisters were usually with their grandparents on the weekend, so he was going to be left alone, where they would be fighting all night. They keep it together around Chloe and Ana, but I think it's just unfair that they can't at least do the same for Sebastian. I felt pretty horrible that I was excited to have the opportunity to comfort him like this. But, I guess, if whatever's going on at my house is anything like what he is experiencing, then at least I will know what to prepare myself for.
Sebastian notices the sympathetic expression on my face and sits down on the couch next to me. Noa and Jesse were singing a duet, and Ashe and Diana were on their phones. God knows what Jackson was doing. He went into his room a moment ago, but it was obvious that Sebastian wanted to stay. I smile at him softly, wanting to let him know that he can talk to me about anything. "Hey. Do you need to talk?"
Seb shakes his head. "I don't know. Probably. But I don't want to."
"That's okay, I understand. Don't feel pressured at all. But I just want you to know that anything you tell me is safe with me."
"Same with you...A-Atarah."
At this point, the perfect opportunity to tell him the truth about me keeps appearing, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Part of me is afraid that he will think the worst: that I'm lying. Just to get closer to him. It sounds like something the girls at my school would either do or accuse me of doing. Still, my father taught me at a young age that if something is meant to happen, the perfect opportunity that has no chance of failing will appear again someday. If it's meant to be, the universe will make it happen. I want to keep Sebastian in my future, so maybe that will happen with us.
"2:02 am, Ashe has fallen asleep. Jackson hasn't come out of his room, so he probably has too," I record in my journal. I am the only one who has been able to make it through the whole night since we started this tradition. Ashe is usually the first. Surprisingly, Diana is able to make it nearly all night. Sebastian wasn't feeling tired, so he shared a slice of lemon bread with me, and we worked on a little journal together. We also broke into Ashe's scrapbooking kit and made pages beautifully decorated with different themes. Sebastian uses a page just to doodle on. He was spectacular. I've seen some of his art projects, and he can work with anything. Charcoal, oil pastels, chalk pastels, any kind of paints, and even made a portrait of himself out of pop tabs last year.
"Are you getting sleepy yet?"
"Nope, but I think Diana is," he points out, keeping his voice down. She was in the chair, with her eyes half closed. Once she finally admits defeat, we write down the time she has given up and gone to sleep. "2:53 a.m, Diana went to bed."
We clean up our mess while Jesse stays on the phone. He had been talking to his mom for about forty minutes. Him and Noa did each other's makeup as they both kept the conversation going. Jesse and his mom were very close, especially after the divorce, and she got help for her drinking. She would call Jesse every night. Once he does hang up finally, around 3:00, we all go into Noa's bedroom.
It wasn't even ten minutes later that I started feeling tired myself. Noa and Jesse were lying next to each other in her bed, talking and giggling, barely making any sense. They were mumbling and about ready to give in and drift off to sleep next to each other. Meanwhile, Sebastian and I shared our space on the beanbag chair. I even fought Jesse for it after Sebastian had already sat down. I found that the more tired I got, the less cautious and filtered I was. I began to drift off and zone out as I stared at his beautiful features. They were perfectly feminine. I wanted to feel his soft lips against mine again, even if it was ingenuine. I wanted to feel the realization that the scratching stubble of his beard that would usually bother me faded away and meant nothing with our lips pressed together. I wanted to feel him grab me by the waist again, or take the back of my head and hold me there as he made the first move, kissing me slowly until we gave up concealing the desire. We would be gasping for air as we pulled away, but we were afraid to take things any further, so maybe we went upstairs, or in the bathroom and tried our best to keep quiet. Then we would sneak back and enter Noa's room, where her and Jesse were already fast asleep and lay down on the floor. We would be perfectly content using the beanbag chair as a pillow, and sleeping on a pile of blankets, because we would be snuggled close, with our bodies tangled and secure, with both of us knowing that we weren't missing out on anything anymore.
"3:45. Only two participants are awake and not yet give into the desire to close their eyes. Who's going to win?" Sebastian narrates in a dramatic tone.
I snicker quietly, stretching and turning to lay on my side, facing him. "Oh, I know I'm going to win," I tease.
"Are you sure about that? You keep zoning out. Either that, or you can't get enough of looking at me," he teases back.
I freeze, probably giving it away, but trying to act calm. "Oh, no, I mean, yeah. I'm zoning off a lot tonight."
"Everything alright?" Concern floods Sebastian's features. He rests a hand on my shoulder.
"Yeah, just, family stuff."
"I can relate to that. If you wanna talk about it, I wouldn't mind."
"Well, I don't really like possibly burdening anyone, especially when it may just be nothing. But, I guess I'm just a little nervous about my parents. They've been more distant lately and bickering more."
"Oh, I see now. Well, then, I can really relate if, unfortunately, anything like that did happen between your parents. So, please, keep me updated if you're comfortable. I'm here for you, Tarah."
"As always," I sigh, "Thank you, Seb. I'm so grateful for friends like you, Noa, and Jesse. Even with the possibilities of what's going on at home, this has got to be one of my favorite birthdays."
"Well, we both need another small win today if things don't turn out well when we return home."
"Hm?"
"Let's both go to sleep at the same time and call it a tie," he suggests. I wasn't even aware until a few moments ago that this was going to be a contest between all of us, and though there would be no prize, it made me smile to be able to open up and talk to Sebastian. The offer made my heart melt, especially when he smiled at me and took my hand to shake it and make it a deal.
I shake his hand, blushing profusely as a scenario that I had imagined earlier while I zoned out flashed in and out of my mind. It still ended up being the perfect end to my birthday because we fell asleep hand in hand, and I was slowly becoming who I had dreamed of becoming pretty much all my life. Someday, I'll confess, Sebastian. You'll know.