Chapter 10
After my parents broke the terrible news to me, which didn't phase me as much as it probably should have, they got confirmation that Lora would be happy to have me stay with her. But we didn't have time to talk about any other concerns I had because my parents started bickering about who would be moving out, which was my fault for bringing it up. I honestly think the house is plenty big enough that they could both still live here and barely ever cross paths. There's three bathrooms, two guest bedrooms, and an empty room we never used for anything but storage, and the small period of time when I wanted to take dance lessons and learn ballet when I was six. I gave up after a few months, and it's been filled with the same boxes and totes of mine and Stefan's old toys and stuffed animals ever since.
The faint ticking of the clock hanging on my wall becomes more and more obnoxious to me until I have to take it off the wall and remove the batteries. It slips from my hands, and I let it fall to the ground, making a loud thud. I crawl into bed and curl up with the one stuffed animal I kept on my bed at all times. A pastel blue teddy bear that Jesse gave me when we were younger. He loved teddy bears for some reason I never knew, and when I had to get my tonsils removed, he gave me his lucky bear to help me recover faster so we could play as much as possible that summer. Ever since then, I've called Jesse my teddy bear. I hold it tight into my arms until I fall into a light slumber. Any time someone would get up to use the bathroom, on the other side of the hall, I would hear it and wake up. Then I'd be reminded of everything horrible that happened today. I came out to my school, and now everyone thinks I'm a freak, it's confirmed my parents are getting a divorce, and because my parents drove me out of the livingroom with their arguing, and my dad is sleeping on the couch, I have to sleep in the same room- same bed that my grandmother passed away in just a few days ago. But to keep myself up the rest of the night, I pretend that the past week was nothing but a nightmare that I was just waking up from, so then I can go to sleep, and wake up happy for the first few seconds.
When my alarm goes off, I've already been up for a few minutes. I continued to doze off and wake back up in an endless cycle all morning until the sound of Stefan getting ready woke me up for good.. I had already decided I wasn't going to school today. I just couldn't. And when I came downstairs in my pajamas and my hair in a tangled messy bun, I knew that my dad sleeping in the recliner in front of the television with a muted documentary still playing was a sure sign that I could get away with it.
I didn't even realize my mom was already awake until I heard her voice behind me. "Sleep well?" Her voice sounded more tired than usual. And just, straight up sad. Which made me sad.
"No, actually," I respond, trying to keep things light hearted by letting out a quiet laugh. "Usually, I would have my uniform on by now."
"Honey, I'm really sorry that your father and I fought in front of you like that. I realize now that neither of us has been mature, and it's been hard on you. So, if this is the reason that you've been acting out, I'm sorry. And I'd be lying if I said I don't know what it's like to be bullied."
"Really?" I sat down at the table, taking a sip from the glass of orange juice she poured for me. "What did you get bullied for?
"Tarah, I was actually quite the nerd back in the day. Believe it or not. I had the frizzy, uncontrollable blonde hair, the rosy cheeks, and much more noticeable freckles. I even had braces for a short while, and I tried wearing white framed glasses. Looked terrible on me. I got teased so often that I would begin telling the nurse I was sick all the time so I could go home early."
"Wow. I had no idea. So, does this mean you're gonna make me go to school and do my best? Try not to be like you?"
"I would definitely be proud of you if you did that, but if you would like to take a day to regroup, I would be fine with that. I guess I was so worried about you having a similar experience as me that I didn't even think about how it affected you mentally, even if you already are much prettier than I was at your age. But I know that as long as you go to all your classes from now on, you'll have no problem with your grades, unlike me."
"So, what you're saying is, as long as I don't fail all my classes or drop out, I'm okay to be severely mentally affected by these bullies, until I go to aunt Lora's?"
"Oh? Does this mean you've made a decision?" She asks, pouring herself a cup of coffee. The strong scent that my father heavily dislikes was enough to wake him up. He stays in the recliner, listening to our conversation.
"I'm not completely sure yet. I still want to talk to Noa. I think it would be best for me so I can be happier, but what about leaving the people here I know?"
"Well, listen, whatever you decide, Lora told us that she would be happy to have you over any time. So you can take all the time you need. My biggest concern is that you are able to focus at school and be happy."
"Thanks, mom. I appreciate you talking to me like this."
"Yeah, well, what you said about how I raise you differently from Stefan really stuck with me all night. You weren't the only one having trouble sleeping."
I wasn't able to tell if she was just this bad at apologies or if that was meant to be backhanded. "I'm sorry for yelling last night. I know it's not my place to tell you how to parent us."
My mom shrugs it off, focusing on getting along with my dad around me. "Morning. Would you like me to make you anything? Tea?"
My dad stretches as he walks out to the kitchen, grunting and then letting out a loud, long yawn. "I'm good, but thank you. I was up past two in the morning eating spicy chips."
"Ah, stress eating?" Stefan mumbles as he comes downstairs, fully dressed and ready with his bag for basketball practice. His expression changes once he sees me not ready for school. "Do you not have school today, Tarah?"
"I'm not going." I stand up from my chair and discard the rest of my orange juice. I walk upstairs and head straight to the bathroom. My hair was such a frizzy mess. I tossed and turned every time I dozed off. My lips were chapped, and there was dried blood in the corner of my mouth from where I bit it, trying to keep myself from crying. I didn't even want to speak of the decision I had to make. I was too afraid of how my best friend would react, but I knew that today, I had to tell her. I would call her after school.
My mom had no job at the moment, and my dad just plain gave up. Nobody even knows what the deal is with him right now. He would insist on going out to go fishing, but what with everything going on between the two of them, I'm not too sure if I should believe him. I mean, one of the biggest causes of divorce is infidelity. My mom was with her best and only friend lately. Sometimes, she would spend the weekend with her to get away from my dad. I want to know what drove them apart and if they are telling the truth about their whereabouts and strange behavior. And maybe figure out what's really going on with my mom, specifically. I mean, she seemed to have that conversation with me about leaving so easily, without crying. My dad was a mess last night, but tried to hold it together. My mom had nothing to hold. Like she can so easily discard of her child and couldn't care less where I was.
Stefan left for basketball practice, and my parents were both getting dressed. I needed to form a plan. I was taught never to snoop and that if I wanted answers, I could ask. And if my parents avoided the answer, it's "just not my place." But I think I'm old enough to know the truth. I was going to wait until they were both gone, and look at my dad's personal computer. If that gave me zero hints, I could look around in their shared closet.
Upon beginning my investigation, I realized just how little I knew about my parents. I kept out of their bedside tables, having learned my lesson a couple of years back, and still being scarred by the contents inside. I started by locating my dad's computer, which was under the bed. I sit down on the bed and hesitantly open the laptop. My dad knew so little about technology that I knew he wouldn't have a password or any privacy settings that would intentionally hide information or files.
On the screen were multiple files, none of them organized into folders or anything. Scrambled around were a few extensions he probably added purely by mistake, but something immediately caught my eye. One singular folder. I hold my breath as the screen loads, and when it does, I'm taken aback. They were pictures, and every single one of them had my mom and dad in them, together. I've never even seen them take photos together right in front of me. When I check all the dates, and look closely, I realize that these were all taken before 2006. A couple of pictures even featured one of them or both holding my older brother when he was a baby. After that- after I was born, they just stopped.
I wanted to stop and process what I had found, but I needed to keep going if I wanted to get anything out of this. I explore the laptop for around fifteen or twenty minutes before stumbling upon another intriguing find. An email from my aunt Lora that she sent to my dad in 2019.
Dear Mihai,I've just recently moved to Nebraska, and it got me thinking about you, upon realizing that you too lived here. Even though we stopped talking after you and Bianca got married, it would mean a lot to me if we kept in touch and I could meet your family someday. I have yet to meet your wife in person, and your daughter and son. I've only seen a picture or two of Stefan, and do not even know the name of my niece, and that just breaks my heart. Mom and I barely talk anymore, and ever since dad passed away, she's been even more distant, not even visiting for holidays. I just wish for you to respect my decisions and who I am enough to let me be close with my niece and nephew. I can send you the address to my house if you wish, or I am at least hoping I get one from you.Sincerely, your sister Lora.He didn't even respond to it. I scroll down further, even though I knew that if this was the first time she reached out, I wouldn't find any more emails from her. Instead, I find attachments of videos and images sent from Stefan. When I see the date it was sent, my heart races, then, full-on stops for a moment. I was almost certain of what this was.Stefan went through a phase when he was eleven where he would record us and take pictures of the most random things, but one day, when I was playing my favorite video game with a group of online friends, he caught a video of me referring to myself as Lucian.
I played the video, which nearly brought tears to my eyes. I was sitting in my chair, playing on my first computer. The quality of the video was terrible, but I could still make out the pixels, and I felt anxiety fill every part of me. This was a week after Christmas, when Stefan had gotten the computer he was recording on. In the video, I had a headset and was able to talk to my online friends, who were all boys. I had told them through the chat one of the first times I said that I was a ten year old boy named Lucian. When they wanted me to use the microphone, I panicked and made my voice deeper when I talked to them. He also got a picture of my username, "lucian_06." Though it wasn't perfectly clear in the photo, I knew he knew what it said, and so did I, obviously. The question is, did my dad?
I look at the other emails that he had saved. Well, specifically, the dates. He saved emails from his bosses, coworkers, family members, and important messages. There were large gaps in when he received them, and not a single random email. He never deleted the emails listed in his "deleted" folder, so I quickly confirmed my theory that he deleted ones he didn't want to save to look at again or reread.
All this time, I thought he would never give it a second thought if he saw anything like that. Him and my mom believe in the expression "What they don't know won't hurt them," and take it quite seriously, so I just assumed that since they paid such little attention to me, and obviously loved Stefan more, they would never think twice about this.I close everything I opened on the computer, slam it shut, and slide it back under the bed. I didn't even have the energy to look in the closet at this point. I go back to my room, put on some comfortable lounge clothes, and turn on my television. I spend all morning watching daytime television shows, then end up falling asleep.***I wake up, sweating and tangled up in a fuzzy blanket, and a court show blaring on my television. I roll over and find my phone, checking the time. It was past time for lunch already, and I didn't even eat breakfast. I let out a groan, sliding off my bed. I slowly mope downstairs and make myself a frozen mini pizza. I treat myself to a soda to drink with it and eat in my bedroom. I was never left home alone, so I barely ever got to do that.I took my time, savoring each and every bite, and every sip. But I nearly jump out of my skin as I hear the front door open downstairs. I stuff the last bit of pizza in my mouth, chug my soda, and let out a belch before shoving the evidence under my bed. I'm about to sprint into the bathroom to grab some spray to cover up the smell of pizza, but I stop near the stairwell upon hearing my dad's voice.
"He's always wanted to meet her! Why won't you even let her come over?!"
They must be fighting about whether or not they let Lora meet us. Or, Stefan, at least.
"She's not a 'he,' and you know it! You're just lying to yourself because you never wanted a daughter!"
I make sure I'm fully out of sight from them as my jaw nearly drops to the floor. I thought for a moment that I was just hearing things, but then it continued. The arguing. My dad is fighting for me.
"This is why I want you out of the house. You don't even listen to your kids!"
"I listen to Stefan, but Atarah is obviously sick, and she needs therapy!"
"He needs space from you!" My dad shouts. I knew for certain now that I wasn't just hearing things. My dad kept those videos for a reason.
"Will you stop calling her a 'he?' She's a beautiful girl who just took a wrong turn down a path that I don't want for her!"
And just like that, my dad saves my ass by saying what was exactly on my mind, and since he said it, was only said by him. I was dangerously close to running downstairs and confronting my mother. "'I want, I want,' do you hear yourself? You can't control our child, Bianca, I'm sorry! It's like, you want nothing to do with him unless you're controlling him! You're the one that seems to want him out of the house, and away from you. I can only protect him from so much."
"If she wants to live with Lora, she can. But she's never allowed back after that. If you insist that she's not sick now, she certainly will be after spending time with your brother."
So, all this time, my dad wanted me to meet Lora? Why would he lie and make it seem like the other way around? Perhaps he didn't want to break the bond between my mom and I more than it already had been.Suddenly, I am brought back to reality when their yelling stops. I listen closely and hear panicked murmuring coming from my parents. "Shit," my mom whispers. "I forgot she was home.""Maybe we should talk to them?"
"You can. I'm going upstairs and taking a shower. I give up, Mihai."
I run into my bedroom and sit on my bed in complete shock. If my mom moves out, would this mean I could stay here? At least if my dad accepted me, I could stand the bullying at school. After checking the time, I realized that everyone at school got out early today, so Noa was already home. I call her immediately, and she picks up after just a couple of seconds.
"Hey, Lucian. The internet wouldn't work at school. I tried texting you. Why weren't you here?"
"Hey," I finally responded, my hands already shaking. "I think my dad knows. He wants me to meet Lora."
"Who?" Noa asks confusedly.
"My aunt. My dad's sister. I thought all this time he didn't want me around her, but it was my mom who didn't want that."
"Wow," Noa says in a hushed tone. I realized now that I, too, should probably be whispering.
"That's... a lot. This all happened today? Well, that doesn't really surprise me. Your dad is kind of a pushover, no offense."
"Yeah, I know. I... also kind of went into their room earlier, and it seemed like once I was born, my parents grew apart. Started arguing. Like, my dad wanted another boy, or, always had an idea."
"Oh," Noa adds quietly, not quite sure how to react.
"And they were just fighting, and my dad was calling me a 'he,' and standing up for me. He's all for me leaving if it's best for me, but my mom wants me to stay here so she can control me now I guess. My dad at least wants me to be happy. I guess all this time, he just wanted my mom and I to be close, so stayed out of all of it."
"Leaving?"
"Oh, shit. Noa." I completely forgot for a moment. I have to tell her.
I take a deep breath and exhale before being prepared to apologize dramatically and tell her I probably won't, but then she says something. "Are they sending you away?"
"It's up to me to decide. My mom thinks I need a fresh start to get help, or maybe just give up all her responsibilities when it comes to me. A little bit of both, I guess. And my dad is concerned about me becoming depressed, probably. So that's probably why he wants me to go. But don't worry, I decided -"
"You should go," she interrupts.
"What?"
"Lucian, I love you. I always have, and you love me too. We'll always be best friends. We can text and call every day. If this is a good decision for you, I'll get over it and respect that, even if it's hard. Your entire life has been hard. You deserve this if it makes you happy."
Her words hit like a ton of bricks, causing me to hunch over and start crying. Everything she said made perfect sense. "You really won't be mad?" I ask through my tears.
"Of course not! Sad? Yes, but like I said, I'll be fine, as long as you're fine."
"I... I can't believe you reacted this well. You didn't even have to think about it. Didn't miss a beat."
"That's how much I care about you. I don't question your judgment, Lucian. Do what you think is best," Noa replies. Only this time, I could hear the sniffle and the wavering tone of her voice. She was crying.
"I still haven't decided yet, Noa. But when I do, you'll be... the first to know." I don't wait for an answer from her before hanging up. I couldn't stand to hear her voice right now, knowing she was crying. I barely ever see her cry, and it just pains me. Even though she told me not to worry about how this would affect her, it broke me to know that she was crying because of me.
The next few weeks go by in a blur of eating, sleeping, and homework. I stopped going to school and had Noa bring me my assignments after school. Since I had such a promising GPA and a pretty decent academic performance all around, my school gave me permission to take a break and finish school from home that year. My parents only agreed to this because, along with me, they both knew where this was leading. And they had their shit together just as much, if not less than I did, so they had no place telling me what to do.
I sat both of my parents down in the living room this morning. I look at my dad, trying to give him a look he would understand. But I'm not sure if he did. I didn't bring up the fight I overheard or snooping through their things. I shake my head and breathe in, taking a slight step back. "I think I want to go."
The words linger in the air for a long while. I couldn't quite detect the expression of my mom's face, but my dad looked visibly proud of me. "If that's what you want, kiddo, I think you will benefit from it. And your aunt Lora is a great woman, so -"
"Mihai," my mother warns. Right then, I knew things were going to get messy.
"No, they need to know."
"Dad. Dad. Dad, I know. I heard you guys. Please, just stop fighting because of me." I started off feeling confident, but two words in, my voice started breaking and fading into gibberish.
My parents both freeze and sit in shock for a solid minute. My dad looked guilty, though I was purely upset with my mom.
"Honey," my mom begins. "Your dad and I have grown apart, and I'm sorry that I have to put it that way. But we think differently, and I guess that's just too big of an obstacle for us."
"No, mom. You don't want to try! Dad, I was wrong all this time, wasn't I?"
My dad motions for me to head upstairs without saying anything. I can hear their muffled yells for a few minutes as I sit on my bed, cradling my teddy bear. My dad eventually knocks on my door.
"Hey. Are you doing okay?"
"Not really," I shrug.
"Kiddo, I hate having to put you in this position. I want to be mature here, but your mom, she just..."
"She's too controlling?"
"Wow," my dad sighs. "You managed to make it nicer than I could have. Yes. I was so scared to speak my mind once I found out that hers was made up. You can be whoever you want to be. I guess I just didn't ever tell you that, because I didn't want it to have to come to this. Disagreeing and splitting up because we have different parenting styles."
"I understand. I really do. Um, but if we could just pretend, for mom, that-"
"That you're not trans?" My dad finishes my sentence confidently. And he was right to assume those were the next words out of my mouth. I smile at him, glad to see him smiling back.
"So you do know," I say, letting out a relieved sigh mixed with a nervous laugh.
"Yes, and I'm so sorry that I had to pretend. But that morning, when Grandma... you know, I saw it."
"Saw it? Saw what?"
"Honey, you know what. O-on your leg. I don't want you to be so upset with yourself and who you are. Because I love you, whether you're my daughter or my son. I just feel like such a terrible father, putting my wife over your mental health like that. Please, if you think of doing something like that to yourself again, tell me. I'll get you help."
I give my dad the biggest bear hug as he talks. "I know, dad," I whisper. "But things are going to be different, right?"
My dad and I both look into each other's eyes, wondering what would happen next. Will I still be going to live with Lora?
"Kiddo, I would love it if you stayed. Really. I don't want you to think that I want you to leave, but you have obviously been through a lot in just the past few days. It's a miracle we're all even half sane. Your mom, if I'm being completely honest, seems to just want to leave behind all of her parenting responsibilities. But kiddo, I need you to promise me that you are making this decision for you. Take your time, and when you're sure of your decision, you can come to me. Until then, your mom will probably be with Gayle, or staying at a hotel."
"Is that what you decided just now, when you were yelling?" I ask harshly. As much as I loved my father, especially in this moment, I absolutely hated to hear them fight like that.
"No," my dad responds as he stands up. "But I'm gonna make sure she leaves tonight."
"Dad?" I ask, rather urgently, as he approaches my door. "So, you wanted to be close to Lora all this time?"
My dad turns around and utters seven words that make all the years of putting up with my mom worth it. "Once I realized you were my son."