CHAPTER 7: Diaries

The other day Madalen went to Jio's room, wanting to ask him something. She had hardly slept all night because she was thinking. She knocked on the door but got no answer. Nevertheless, she opened it. She walked in and looked at the bed with the purple curtains. Jio was still sleeping.

Her gaze fell on the wooden wardrobe on the left wall. It seemed slightly moved from its forward position. A small opening appeared on the side, a dark crevice. It looked like a door that had been ajar. She walked over to it curiously. She pushed open the wardrobe, which opened quietly to reveal what had caught her eye. A small cache appeared behind the wardrobe. A wall deeper than normal hid a secret library full of books…

Observing them better, she saw that they were not books after all. They were diaries! A library full of diaries! The covers were all the same but differed in color. All were hardcover with a glossy finish. She grabbed the first one and opened it to the front page.

Jack Joffreson, she read. Who was Jack Joffreson? She turned to the second page.

July 5, 1965

I woke up in an unknown place… I didn't know where I was. It's all so dark... I was engulfed in darkness when I heard his voice...

He explained where I was, in a parallel universe shaped by my vast mind.

I remembered that I had died, that I had been killed, and that I had called Him.

Am I really dead? No, I have come to life in this universe. My soul is alive…

Reading the paragraph, she stiffened in her seat; a cold sweat bathed her. She felt a strong shiver. What? Madalen's mind was about to explode. Wasn't Jio alive? Wasn't anyone at the circus? That would explain everything if they were in a ghost world. But she… was alive… or wasn't she? Had she died and not realized it? But how?

She was trying to think of the way she died, but she couldn't remember anything like that. She didn't remember any last moment; everything was coherent in her mind. She could have died when she fell into the hole, but she was sure she was alive because she felt pain when she fell. Unless the dead hurt… Judging by Jio, then the answer was yes. But she was almost certain she hadn't died…

She flicked through the pages, reading only the parts that piqued her interest the most. She now realized that Jack was Jio.

He explained to me that we need each other to stay alive. So we made an agreement, that He will feed on me and in return He will give me life.

He made the place just the way I wanted it. A beautiful circus just like the one I grew up in. If that doesn't make you feel alive, then what does?

Were they alive after all? She opened the second diary.

December 25, 1966

I am beginning to wonder if the circus is ultimately for my benefit or His. There's a lot I can't do that I didn't think of in the first place. Maybe the loneliness has affected me...

During these endless hours, every day I just wait for the moment when the circus comes alive and the show begins. But then everyone disappears and I'm left alone with my thoughts again...

May 31, 1970

I should be more grateful after all. I am alive in a place where I feel safe. The deal was to stay alive anyway. Maybe I'm being too much, I'm asking more than I deserve, He's right.

September 11, 1971

I feel so alone. I wonder if I will spend all eternity like this... I miss the outside world. The warmth of the sun, the smell of the flowers, the green of the trees.

It is his fault! He knows how to manipulate me, causing me all this pain and thoughts.

December 12, 1971

We talked and He found a solution. I will have company soon… I am very excited! I wonder what it will be like… I can't wait for this place to come to life.

She stopped reading. She realized that the diaries were all of Jio's life in this world, from beginning to end. She had to read them all, but she didn't have the time; any moment Jio would wake up. She took some, closed the bookcase, and hurried to her room. She hid them under her bed. She would read them when she was sure no one would see her. Jio certainly wouldn't notice that the diaries were missing until the next night when she intended to return them to their place.

 There was a knock on her door. Yellow invited her to have breakfast together. She had never sat in the morning with them. The dining room was in the left corridor after the rooms. There was an additional door, which she hadn't paid much attention to. It was shaped like a chessboard, like the whole maze, and seemed to be one with the wall.

When she walked in, she almost let out an exclamation of admiration. In the center of the room was a large carved rectangular wooden table with red velvet carved chairs. Everyone was seated in front of a mouth-watering buffet.

"Sit, Madalen," Yellow said and pulled the chair for her to sit down.

She noticed that no one was eating, except for Red, who served everyone pancakes but was munching at the same time.

"Red!" Purple scolded him.

Red took on a puzzled expression with his mouth full.

"Jio hasn't come yet," Madalen told them.

"He's always late for breakfast," Blue said, wanting to excuse Red.

 Soon the door opened and Jio entered. He was a little surprised to see Madalen at the table. He took his seat at the head of the table. Then everyone started eating except Red, who hadn't stopped. He kept filling his plate. Madalen wondered where he put so much food. He ate very quickly and in large quantities. At one point, when his pancakes were finished, he grabbed one last one from Pink's plate sitting across from him. Pink gave him the middle finger and sat pouting in his seat.

Purple, when he finished eating, took out a small mirror and began to look at himself.

"Stop doing that, you narcissist!" Green told him.

"Jealous again?" sneered Purple.

"Who am I jealous of? You? Ha!" he laughed ostentatiously.

Jio gave them a wild look. Purple lowered the mirror, and Green slouched in place.

There was a small click; Yellow had dropped his fork.

"Get it, Pink."

Pink pretended not to hear, put his head in his hands, and pretended to be asleep. Madalen stood up and collected it. Jio shot them another aggressive look.

"What? Pink is bored of living," Yellow said, seeing Jio's look.

Madalen sat back in her seat. She wondered if all their mornings were like this.

As soon as breakfast was over, she went to her room, looking forward to reading the diaries. She locked the door. She sat up on the bed, putting the pillow behind her back, and continued reading.

January 1, 1972

He knew I couldn't trust anyone again after what happened, except myself! Although I was a bit hesitant at first, in the end, I'm glad they're here.

February 20, 1973

Purple is an awesome wizard! He is very helpful in making decisions and very creative in finding solutions to technical problems.

Pink is a very cute clown and the fact that he doesn't speak makes him even funnier with the expressions he gets. In general, he is not the most suitable person to help in matters of the circus, nevertheless his childlike innocence makes me unable to be angry with him for anything.

Yellow, unlike Pink, is hyperactive. He always likes to do things and gives a sense of liveliness to the circus. He is also the best at fire stunts.

Green is tight-lipped. The way he handles snakes is special; it's something different. He does not like conflicts between others. Yesterday Purple and Pink got into a fight, and Green got in the middle. He turned the fight into a pleasant atmosphere.

Red and Blue are very good acrobats, and the tricks they do with the knives impress me. Red is a bit more dynamic and shows passion with everything, while Blue is a quiet force. He helps Red land in reality and is overprotective of him.

Joe is a mysterious guy; he likes to have everything under control for the good of the circus. He earned our respect from the start with his confidence and strong personality.

September 3, 1974

I had my first fight with Joe today. Maybe it's my fault; I feel like something is wrong... I'm starting to see things in Joe that I don't like. Many times I feel that he manipulates the others and makes them fight.

Yesterday he convinced Green that it was selfish of Yellow to have the last number on the show, and the result was a fierce fight between them. Green has never seen him fight; the other day he judged Red on Purple for eating all the food after the show and eating his own. He knows that Red doesn't hold back when he's hungry and we could have had other food, but Purple chose to pick a fight with Red for eating from his plate. The strange thing is that on both occasions, Joe looked eerily calm during the fight and I caught him bursting out laughing. I don't like the way he's been behaving at all. Not at all…

March 5, 1975

Something is very wrong with everyone!

August 15, 1975

I'm shocked… I finally understand what's going on with everyone. They remind me of the troupe that killed me. At first, I didn't notice because I only saw their good side, but their bad side is the same as the troupe from my normal life. What sick joke is this?

November 8, 1975

He did everything on purpose to bend me. Now I'm starting to understand that He likes to play with me. He didn't just bring out the good aspects of me, he also brought out something darker, the one He knew I couldn't stand! As He quipped to me, "You can't even stand yourself." How did He manage to confuse me like this?

April 13, 1981

I can't bear to know the truth and face them no matter how good they seem. I don't want them here anymore… and He's not willing to take them back. He finds it funny!

If I kill them, is it murder?

Her heart sank. A puzzle had finally found its pieces. Joe really wasn't his brother after all; he was a part of him, just like Purple, Pink, Yellow, Green, Red, and Blue. They were pieces of himself that someone had ripped out of him so he wouldn't be alone in this awful place. But they also had pieces in their character from those who killed him. But who created them? Who was He behind all this?

She began to quickly flip through the pages with bated breath.

October 21, 1981

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED! In the morning we sat in the dining room and talked. I decided to confront them by telling them what was bothering me. I didn't get the reaction I expected. Instead, Joe accused me of being the problem and that he should take my place in the circus. I will never forget the words he uttered. "They did well to kill you; you are such a selfish and arrogant person! You think you're the best!"

At that moment, I snapped… I started shaking… I grabbed the bread knife and just cut his carotid… But I didn't stop there… I continued to stab him in the sternum over and over again, I don't know how many times, until I felt a hand trying to grab me to stop. It was Green. I turned sharply, and the edge of the knife hit him in the eye.

At that moment, time stopped... He did something... Then I saw my katana; it was in the corner. I grabbed it and like a rabid animal began to cut the bodies of the rest with thick, deep cuts. They didn't react; they just had a shocked expression. Then I heard Him laugh, but I didn't care. Soon the whole room was stained with blood, and I felt weak with a faint satisfaction that my torture was over. I fell down, and everything around me went dark.

The next morning I couldn't believe my eyes. They were all alive!

"Didn't you want company?" His ironic voice made me realize that I cannot escape, I will be with them perhaps forever…

I could see in their eyes that they knew; they hadn't forgotten...

We talked a lot that morning. I told them about Him. I thought they knew, but He had made sure to keep it hidden. He might have erased their memory whenever He wanted, I'm not sure. Surprisingly, everyone took my side.

Joe then proposed a horrifying idea. To lash out at the spectators instead of them. Still, I liked the idea. Everyone liked it... Maybe more than they should. After all, they are His spectacular creations...

Terror covered her face. She put her hand over her mouth. She couldn't believe what she just read.

February 16, 1983

Joe tried to kill me today… He can't control his anger. He blurs. Knowing him, I would expect him to want revenge for when I cut his throat.

He doesn't understand that I can't die. A way of saying die, that is. He has set out to take my place in the circus. He thinks he's better than me. Many times he tried to manipulate me to get his way, but I didn't let him. As a result, he lashed out today...

July 2, 1983

He tried to kill me again. It has become ridiculous; I am tired... I see no other solution than to remove him, but how? Maybe I should ask Him for help... But I don't know if He will accept. I have to convince Him.

September 11, 1983

Things are better at the circus without Joe. I finally found a way to remove him. But I wonder, will this, shall we say, life of mine with others go on like this forever?

March 5, 1984

Who am I?

Are they really me?

Am I whole?

Why do I feel so empty?

June 18, 1990

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

November 20, 1995

This is not life... Everything has driven me crazy....

Today I talked to Him… So many fucking years I can't even say His name… I told Him I want to break the deal, but He told me that the deal can't be broken. I'm sure He's lying, as He is about everything. He wants to drive me crazy! He feeds off of it, of course He won't let me break the deal.

January 14, 1996

I managed to convince Him to make a new deal. A portal will open every year for me to find someone to… save me. Someone from the outside world. Who would want to save me? I'm laughing.

He likes games. He said he will put tests on anyone who comes and if they fail, He will take their soul. I am not enough for Him, He wants to be fed by others. But I accepted. Besides, what other choice did I have? I want this torture to end. I truly hope no other soul falls into his hands.

October 8, 2005

I am desperate. No one has succeeded so far. Of course, they all wanted to get out of this place; they didn't really want to save me. The Circus knew it, that's why it agreed. He brought it to me again. As if I haven't known Him in so many years. He wants me to lose hope… I feel so sorry for these lost souls… If I manage to break the deal, though, they will be freed with me and that's a relief… but… will I be freed?

At that moment, the door opened without warning. But how? After she had locked it… Madalen made a move to hide the diaries, but the person standing at the door had already seen them.

"What are these?" Joe asked.

"What are you doing here?" Madalen asked.

"I came to see you." She didn't like something in his voice; he was staring at the diaries. "What are these?" he asked her again.

"Books. Didn't they teach you to knock?" she replied, trying not to show embarrassment but failing.

"And where did you find them?"

"Jio gave them to me..."

Joe walked over to her and looked at them.

"They don't look like books to me," he said, taking one and opening it before Madalen could stop him. Joe's eyes twinkled.

"Interesting book," he remarked. "I'll borrow it," he said, taking the last diary with him before Madalen could react.

"Stop, Joe!" she shouted and ran after him, but by the time she was out the door, Joe had already disappeared.

"Damn it!" she cursed.

She sat on the bed thinking. She wasn't worried about Joe so much as what she had read... She was trying to understand. All this paranoia… Was all this living inside Jio's mind? Was it a real world in another dimension? In a parallel world? In another spacetime?

She lay on the bed face down, resting her head on the pillow. She held her breath and when she felt like she was about to explode, she let it out again. She repeated this three or four times and then turned to take a deep breath. She was looking at the checkerboard-shaped ceiling. Her head hurt and she felt a little dizzy.

What the hell, Jio? What is all this? Are you really dead? Am I too? And if I am, how will I save you?

No! All this could not be true. There must have been a lie somewhere! She felt so confused.

The only way to save Jio and herself was to pass the circus trials? The diaries did not record the reason Jio made this world. They only showed that he was afraid of the outside world, that he hid in it to save himself. From what? What had happened in the past that led him to create this world? And since he was dead, how could all this be real? And who was He?

The glass of water on her coffee table looked cool, and her throat was dry. She reached out to take it and drink. How could this all be real? In this parallel world, how did logic work? Was there any logic? Could it be that the only sanity in this place was insanity? The abnormal? The inexplicable?

She didn't know how to handle all of this. Maybe she had to follow the logic—paranoid logic, at least—of this part to be able to leave. Why did the trials seem so impossible when she didn't even know what they were? How many people had died in the attempt?

She stood up abruptly and went to Jio's room. She wanted answers and she was going to get them no matter what.

His door was open. Madalen looked inside. At that moment, Jio was changing his shirt and didn't notice her. Her eyes fell on his bare back. She blinked in surprise at what she saw. On Jio's back was a large symbol… It looked like some kind of magical seal. It was etched into his skin; it didn't look like a tattoo.

After putting on his shirt, he sat down on the red velvet sofa and prepared to drink his tea. He seemed calm.

"Come in, Mad," he said as soon as he noticed her and motioned for her to sit down. She stopped short, glaring at him.

"How are you, Jio? Or should I say Jack?"

Jio's eyes widened in surprise.

"How?" he asked, confused. But then his gaze returned. "You found the diaries," he smiled bitterly.

"It doesn't matter, because now I know."

"That's the problem; you weren't supposed to know!" His voice was aggressive and seemed to break.

"But Jio, now I understand…"

"You think. Just because you found out about me doesn't mean you can help me."

"I will do it!" she said stubbornly.

Jio looked at her with his deepest, most thoughtful gaze.

"You can't pass the trials."

"Why can't I?"

"It's…" he cut himself short.

"Difficult for me?" she asked.

"Yes…"

"But we won't know if I don't try."

"Madalen, listen to me. Even if you try, the Circus will stop you."

"Fine, then help me!"

"You think I don't want to?" he looked at her with a sad look. Madalen walked up to him, leaning in front of him, placing her hands on his in understanding.

"Let me try! We have no choice; I want to get out of here as much as you do!"

The tension on her face betrayed courage.

Jio sighed.

"I can't let you… You will die too."

"Then why did you bring me here?" Jio didn't speak. "Because you believed I could help you. Isn't that right?" Madalen answered confidently. "Tell me, what should I do?"

"You need to talk to the Circus," Jio replied reluctantly.

Madalen hadn't understood exactly what the Circus was, but she had understood that it was something alive.

"Okay," she said. "How am I going to talk to Him?"

"Now that you know, He will appear to you."

Madalen left Jio pensive in his room, but she was just as pensive. Jio was hesitant to let her go, but she was right; She was his only option. And Madalen was sure she wanted to risk it…

It was obvious he had feelings for her; he regretted bringing her there…

She lay face down on her bed with her head against the wall. She didn't have time to get lost in her thoughts when she heard a noise behind her. But before she could turn to see who or what it was, a hand covered her mouth with a handkerchief. She struggled to free herself from the unknown hand, but failed. Suddenly, she felt intense dizziness, and everything around her went dark...