Chapter 6

It's been three days. I haven't been outside. I haven't been to practice or my games. I had to email my coaches to let them know I'm taking time off. I haven't been eating much. I haven't texted Liv or Roselyn back. I don't feel like getting out of bed. My hands stopped shaking recently, but I still can't get that moment out of my head. I haven't told Liv why I've been out for so long. I know she probably doesn't care too much. My mom walked into my room."Here Thomas, I made you some tea.""You can set it on my desk." She did and then she left. My mom was about the only person I could rely on right now. I sat up on my bed, feeling very dizzy. In such a short amount of time, everything changed. Even with all that's happened, I've managed to keep my grades as straight A's. I looked around my room, clothes everywhere. I need to make a change. I drank the tea, and it was very good. Just what I needed.I'll eventually have to accept what happened, but I just can't shake the feeling that it was my fault. I did cause his death. He would still be here, but because I'm such a piece of shit, I thought being with Liv was more important than helping my parents. I couldn't even express how much I loved him, even when he was alive. I was always really quiet. And now, this is where I am. Our baseball season starts next week. The preseason is still going on. Our record is 3-0. I've been looking at the stats and highlights. Cole has shown that he's better than me. Karson is unbelievably athletic with some of the catches I've seen. And his arm is incredible. I see some of his quarterback skills shift to baseball. Caelan also has an absolute cannon, throwing anyone out trying to steal. They were winners. When I was up, we were losers.I wish I could time-travel to the future and see what next week is like. Maybe I'll be kicked off the team for my terrible performance. Maybe I'll quit sports. Maybe someone will finally kill me. I guess each one of those has a pro and con to it. I need to think more positively. I want to buy a keyboard for my room. Something to play, and make my dad proud in one way. Don't have to live every day knowing I failed. I feel like a failure, Dad.Why has every day started having bad weather without you? Why has every feeling in my body been uncomfortable? I don't wanna feel my body. I don't wanna feel... me... anymore. I don't necessarily want to die, but I do wish I could leave this world entirely. I wanna give up on life right now. Hand my life off to someone more deserving. My dad would slap me if I ever said that to him. He knew my worth, yet, I can't seem to understand my worth."Thomas! Someone wants to see you." My mom yelled out. Who would want to see me this early in the morning? I walked to my staircase and looked at the front of the door. Liv was inside my house! Shit, why the hell did she pick this time to show up!? I instantly ran upstairs."Thomas?" I heard Liv say quietly."Give me just a few minutes!" I ran to my room and needed to find some clothes. Everything was on the ground except my school uniform. Might as well put that on. I did, then I put on some black socks. What else do I need? Hair! I need to do something with it. I ran into my bathroom and looked in the mirror. Wow, it's all over the place. I ran some water in my hair and began slicking it down. I mean, it's water, so it won't do much. But, it helps keep most unnecessary strands of hair from sticking out. Alright, shoes. I ran back into my room, through a random pair of black shoes, and sped downstairs to the door. She was still there. In her school uniform."Hey, Tom.""Good morning.""Did I catch you at a bad time?""No, not at all.""Did you really put on your school uniform just to talk to me?""Uh...""I feel honored. Anyway, you haven't answered my texts." I knew I hadn't answered them. Everything has just been destroying me recently."Yeah, about that, let's walk and talk." We walked outside and began walking down my sidewalk. The sunrise was just beginning."Aren't you supposed to be at school?" I asked her."I didn't feel well.""You're in your school uniform as well though.""My dad insisted I stay home rather than head out.""And you still went out to see me.""Well, you have been quiet for the past few days." I stopped and she stopped."Things have been really hard on me.""Yeah. I saw your first baseball preseason, well, highlights. You seemed to be in your own head. And you also told me you weren't even gonna play.""Well, I didn't plan on it. But I changed my mind.""Interesting way to say you're a liar. Anyway, what's been happening in life?" Is this a good time to tell her? Are we close enough to where she'll understand my problems? Are we close enough to where she'll listen? I don't even think I'd tell anyone I'm close to about this."It's just, I needed time.""Time? Time from what?""School, people, just been stressed out.""I understand. Don't worry about the project, I'll handle it. And I'm always here to talk. I know we're barely even friends. But, I care about everyone. So please, be well." I smiled at her."I'll try to. I'll text you back soon.""Thank you. See you later, Tom.""See you later." We waved each other off, and she walked away. I stayed, watching her walk away. It's good to know she cares. But I just don't think it's the right time to tell her. Maybe later. Sooner or later. I walked back to my house, but I didn't go inside. I sat on my dad's rocking chair on the porch. I'm not sure why he had a rocking chair, as he wasn't that old. But his love for the Western times must've brought him to buy a rocking chair.That'd also explain why he bought a guitar. I wish I grabbed it to play, but, for now, I'll relax and rock back and forth. I feel like I can hear him playing his guitar in the background. Singing me a nice song. I'd kill just to hear his voice again. So soon, so soon. Every day, I just feel like I'm falling down an endless spiral of hopelessness. I guess it's my fault. I can't keep using his death as an excuse for being this way. Not even he would let me use it as an excuse. He'd tell me to use it as fuel. Let it drive me far in life. It's much different when you can't tell me that. I have to imagine you saying that. It's not the same. I know I hated your stupid dad jokes, but now, I wish I could hear it again. Hear you, the guitar, anything, give me a sign. There was no noise made, if anything, it got quieter.That night, that night is all I've been thinking about. I've had nightmares about it. It's almost like regret that burned down into my soul. The soul that I probably don't have. Maybe it burned out after that day. It's not a worthy soul. It's not worth being there. Living in this asshole's body wouldn't be fun. Imagine his mind. Focusing on Liv, rather than his family. That's something. That's something only I could do. So easily preventable. I have the same thoughts over and over again, but I just can't help it. It was easily preventable. I know he wished for a better son. He told me I was the best son he could ask for, but I let this happen. You could've had better. Much better. You could've had someone who wasn't so greedy, desperate, or uncaring. But you got those three aspects in me.I'm sorry for everything, I am. I don't even know who I'm talking to. To whatever Gods that may exist, all I ask is that you let me see my day again. I'd do anything, truly. I'd change the roles during the night. It should've been me after all, not even him. I have to let go of this. I can't, but I know k should. I just gotta let the past go. I got up from the rocking chair and looked at it. We could be right here, playing guitar. I walked back into the house, sitting in the living room. I had nothing else to do except cry. But, I've done enough of that the last few days. Change, that's what I need to do, change. Just practice baseball some more, and talk to more people. Just forgive and forget myself, okay?