Chapter 45
I drove to Rachel's university, my mind filled with dark thoughts… why was she so upset on the phone? Did she fail at a subject? Did someone bully her?
I pressed down on the gas as I gripped the steering wheel. Why am I having these negative thoughts anyway? Rachel must be fine!
I found her sitting on the stairs. Huddling with her knees close to her chest. She had that vague staring into nothingness look…
I sighed. Parking in front of the stairs as I climbed to her and sat beside her.
"… You okay?" I smiled as I looked at her.
Rachel looked at me and smiled faintly. She nuzzled beside and laid her head on my shoulder.
I looked at her. She doesn't seem to have been hurt anywhere… Did someone insult her or bully her? Why would they do that? Rachel has always been introverted, minding her own business. I rarely seen her smile…
Except with me…
She smiles brightly when she's with me…
"Shall we go home?" I asked, Rachel looked up at me and nodded. I got up and offered my hand, she smiled and took it.
The drive to her home was uneventful… Rachel uncharacteristically stayed silent all the time…
It started to get on my nerves…
"So uhhh… care to tell me what happened?"
I said as we waited in traffic. Her home was in an apartment uptown. A decent building, too decent in fact.
"Nothing happened… Nothing ever happens…"
…Okay?
I guess she's just a little upset.
I shrugged, then drove off till we arrived at her building.
"We're here, want me to come over?" I said nonchalantly, I've been here a few times, I even have her apartment key.
She just gave it to me some months ago, something about trusting me and waking her up when she was late for school.
Man, I'm just a chauffeur to her huh…
Rachel looked up at me, a glimmer passed through her eyes… but she suppressed showing any emotions as she said "Sure… if you want to…"
This isn't like her at all…
The many times we hung out together, she always was the one to invite me in…
I shrugged and followed her up. Usually, she would strut around and sway her hips when she was walking ahead of me… but now she seems to walk normally…
We arrived at the door and entered after her.
The apartment was big for one person, it even had two bedrooms and two bathrooms, a kitchen and a living room. All you ever need really.
"I'll take a shower. Feel free to watch some tv." Rachel said, I nodded and slumped on the couch. Grabbed the remote and opened some streaming service.
Of course, I was the one to pay for these services. I only shared it with Rachel because she gave me family access to another streaming service. Pretty convenient feature if you ask me.
I finished an episode of some anime… Man that guy is so dense! Those three girls are so obsessed with him, but he can't even spare a glance towards them! It should've been me, not him!
Love that scene.
Rachel came out in her baggy pajamas with a hoodie. She sat near me and began watching the second episode of the anime.
Her pajamas were cute, gray rabbit pajamas with bunny ears on the hood. Adorable fit.
Rachel stared at the tv with big and nerdy black glasses. I can feel her stealing glances at me every now and then. Sometimes I look back at her and smile faintly, then return to watching the anime.
"Why are you watching this?" Rachel asked as she poured some tea. I looked at her and smiled.
"Well… your tastes rubbed on me… and it's just wasting time. These trashy shows can be fun sometimes. And those dense protagonistscan really get to me sometimes, ya know?" I asked as ate some potato chips.
"…I know…" Rachel said, sinking back into the comfortable couch.
We watched a couple of episodes. It was funny and frustrating, but what can you do…
I looked at the time and saw it was already too late. I got up and looked at Rachel, she was still awake. She looked up at me with a pout.
"I guess I should go home now. Some sleep will do you good, Rachel." I smiled at her.
Rachel only nodded, then started another episode.
I sighed, then just when I was about to touch the door, I heard her.
"UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING DENSE!!??"
Huh?
I looked back at the scowling Rachel, she looked at me like I was the stupidest person on the planet…
"Every time I invite you here you just up and go like nothing happened between us! Two weeks ago, we literally went on a date, and you never even entertained the chance of us being together romantically!? Jesus Christ!! And now when I showed you my depressed state which obviously means I'm in need of more than just emotional support wink wink! You were just about to leave? Joe! I am in love with you! Stupid idiot! You're so dumb!"
I stood dumbstruck… Did she say she loves me?
"What's with that stupid look on your face? Did you never expect someone to fall in love with you? You're a handsome man with a kind soul! You're gentle and treat me like a princess! You literally take me to school every day now! Sometimes you even cook breakfast for me! Invite me to dinner! Smile brightly every time you see me! How could I not fall in love with someone like you?!"
Rachel shouted at me, but I could sense her pour her feelings for me… genuine feelings of love for me…
"Why are you looking down? Am I… not good enough for you? What do I have to do to mak-" I hugged her… I couldn't let her think of herself unworthy or lesser than me… I should be the one to think that…
"I'm so sorry… Rachel… I didn't think you had these feeling for me…" I hugged her tightly, Rachel went numb.
"I was insensitive… crass and dense… stupid and a moron…" I felt her trembling…
"When I heard you on the phone… sounding depressed and sad… my heart ached… I never thought I would feel that again… worrying for someone again… caring enough that my heart beat out of my chest in anxiety and worry."
"…again?" Rachel said as she looked up at me.
"Yes… again… I used to be married… Rachel… her name was Mary… she was my… sunshine…"
Rachel pursed her lips. She opened her mouth" what happened?"
I felt my throat tighten; words couldn't escape my lips… I took a deep breath. Then looked away from Rachel.
"She died… and ever since… I was lost without her… its not fair to you, Rachel… I'm not good enough for you… I am not whole…"
I stood up. Rachel looked at me with incredulity. I averted my eyes from her. And just when I'm about to open the door to the apartment, I felt Rachel hugging me from behind.
"Let me… try, and make you whole again…"