The Gun Show

WASSUP AoH FANS! JUST BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GUNHEADS, DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOOT EACH OTHER! GUN SAFETY, Y'ALL. CHAT SAFETY, TOO!

BetterBuildingWithBulletsBBWB: First!

WaistedClip444: Wow is that the Paragon? She's so small!

ShnngFngrSwrd97: Dude, she's from Jupiter, she could probably carry an artillery piece.

Bawlisdck6969: She can carry me by the throat :3

WaistedClip444: @Bawlisdck6969 Dude, put your freak flag away. This is fate of humanity shit.

ShnngFngrSwrd97: If she doesn't pick the right gun, we're all fucked. 

Bawlisdck6969: Not hearing anything I don't like. :P

GNFenrgy321: Bottom detected ^

WaistedClip444: Nothing wrong with that. But dude, keep it in your pants.

Bawlisdck6969: I wear skirts :P

*

"Owww! Here she is folks! The 8th Paragon of Humanity, nicknamed for a gun that's near and dear to my heart, Miss AK-47 herself! Brrrrap Pap Pop!"

Seriously?

Arin was used to being hosted, but the guy blathering into the cameras floating all around him was a bit much, even for her.

For one thing, he had the gross sort of muscles that indicated he needed someone else to clean his behind. For another, he kept throwing out gun noises that made her ears twitch and her claws flex out of their sheaths.

How the hell is he so loud?

After a protracted intro - because of his constant gesticulations and onomatopoeia - he finally rounded all his cameras onto her.

"And let's take a look at our Paragon's first choice! Nice, nice! An AR-229! Zap-chao! Modeled after the Sahel Confederation's AR-29, this gun has a storied history folks, and the 229 features the most current micro-Gauss..."

Is he here to talk about me or the guns? Arin thought as she set the rifle down. At least I don't have to answer inane questions... The memory of her interview with Cocoa Ghee popped into her head. After a quick check, she handed the gun back to the concierge.

"Rejected!!!" her host suddenly shouted to the sounds of foghorns as soon as the gun was taken away. "Hey little lady, mind sharing why you didn't like it? Not enough pew-pew? Needs more dakka-dakka?"

"I don't play well with electronics," she said simply. One tiny stretch of her magnetic powers was all it took to feel the circuitry inside the rifle starting to pop. It wasn't an audible thing at the level of power she used, but it did leave a slight scent of ozone.

She performed the same test on the next dozen rifles she was given. And then again on a batch of carbines. A few smart submachineguns. Gun after gun she rejected. Even though it took her less than an hour, the presence of her host made it feel like forever...

She barely even noticed when her partner / potentially inert boulder was hover-carted into the room. Someone had placed a box of grenades and a reflective shield on top of her.

"And here's the Cinbari Paragon, folks! Tell me, little lithoid, how are you liking human hospitality so far?" Mr. Springfield held a mic down to Slzsh.

After a long, awkward pause, he raised his mic back to his lips. "Okay! A Cinbari of few words. Like a silencer..."

More like no words... or breathing... or moving. Arin thought uncharitably.

Then she saw something shiny. Her tail started to wag.

"What's that?" Arin asked, pointing into the back of the room.

Cherry looked at it first, "That's-"

"Thanks for asking, little lady!" the host interrupted. "That right there is a Mech Portable Model 301 Anti-Ship Laser Cannon! Built for antipiracy actions back when humanity owned the Orion nebula..."

Arin held her forehead as Cherry patted her on the shoulder consolingly.

"You know, this is actually quite educational," Cherry said.

"Ugh. I just want something that works and doesn't explode when I use my powers!"

"You could always just use a sword..."

"Against a disruptor? Did you see what happened when Paragon X shot that mech? Freaking melted it open."

"Yeah, but you're the one that killed it. Isn't dealing with disruptor shots what your new shield is for?"

"Sure, but still, a sword? I'd have to go running right at them. Better to not be hit than to have to tank a face full of hot plasma. Remember that lesson you beat into me?"

"Don't lick yourself on camera?"

"No. Dodge!"

"...and unfortunately, the Model 301 is banned for use in low-level Warsport." Their host with the ridiculous name concluded his history lesson with a "womp-womp" sound effect into the camera.

Annoyed by her lack of viable options, Arin waved over the chief concierge, who had a little gold added to his hat to distinguish him from the others. "Yes, Paragon Arin?"

"Do you have anything that doesn't feature electronics?"

"This selection features the most advanced small arms humanity can produce..."

"I don't need small arms. I need something that hits like a truck-kun and won't go off or fry or complain when I use my magnetic powers."

Flustered, the man pulled on his collar. "Well, we do have a printing shop for more classic weaponry... and we do have a lead bullet printer available... but against modern tech, one might as well be throwing stones-"

"Actually, the use of lead in ballistic weaponry is a well-known but toxic disruptor to most standard hard-radiation and magnetic shielding, and very difficult to detect and deflect by anti-ballistic point defense systems," Mr. Springfield suddenly injected himself into their conversation.

Arin's eyes were wide with surprise. "Wow... that actually was pretty helpful."

"Hey little Purragon, there's a reason I'm the number one gunhead on the netsphere! And it isn't just my PhD in History of Manufacturing!" he said before rapidly adding, "Masters in Archaeological Weaponry and a B.A. in Comparative Nonbinary Literature."

Aaaand just like that I've lost all respect for you... "Purragon..." Really?

She turned back to the concierge. "You know what, people keep calling me AK-47 but I've never gotten to see anything but pictures and holos of the damn things. Can you print me one of those?"

"As you wish, Ms. Paragon. Let me just check on what models are available for print- Oh my..."

"What's the problem?"

"Apparently there are over 300 versions of this weapon alone... to say nothing of its extended family. Humanity was quite barbaric back before the Unification Era..."

"Ugh..." Against her better judgment, Arin looked at Mr. Springfield. "Say gun-head. How long you got?"

"Little Purragon, I'm here all night! You want an AK? Well, my advice is solid. A-O-Kay!"

Did you really have to use the same pun twice? I hate you.

Arin pretended she didn't hear Cherry snickering as their bombastic host followed Arin and the chief concierge out of the room and towards the LSR's manufacturing shop.