The Agony of Silence

I woke up when I saw the strong light of the sun. I can't open my eyes. I have not been able to sleep for the past few days. Even if I go to bed early at night, my eyes do not fall asleep. I somehow opened my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw that the bed was wet. Not only the bed but also sweat in the heat. Sweat is dripping from the body. The clothes are wet. I am very upset. Current condition is very bad for about 2/3 days today. Get out of bed and enter the washroom to freshen up.

I took the toothpaste on the brush and put it in my mouth and looked at myself in the mirror. In the reflection of the mirror my face is blood red and my lips are sewn shut. The clothes are all soaked in red blood. Blood on hands and sticks instead of brushes. Written in large letters on the forehead,

"Shut Up or Die"

Seeing such a terrible reflection of myself in the mirror, I closed my eyes and screamed. After a while I opened my eyes with fear. When I opened my eyes and looked in the mirror again, I realized that everything was normal. That terrible reflection in the mirror is no more. Naturally in the reflection I stare at myself in horror. My Mom knocked on the washroom door from outside. Mom asks from outside.

"What happened? Why did you shout like that? Are you late?"

In response to my mother's question, I shouted,

"I'm fine mom. I was scared by the lizard."

Mom might be surprised. So I could hear her muttering from inside the washroom. 

__

I was walking quickly on the road to go to tutoring, so it was half past one. Seeing me hurrying like this, a familiar aunty called me and made me stand up. I approached her. She asked with a frown.

"Where are you going?"

Seeing the expression of her eyes and face, I understood what she try to meant. I replied with a smile. 

"Don't worry, aunty. I don't have the guts to stand up against your Sheikh Hasina. If I know you, I will go to the movement."

I left after saying that. I know aunty is watching me like a tiger. Maybe there are many bad comments but I don't have time to look into them now. 

__

I reached the student's house panting. The student's mother saw me and said,

"Did Madam go to the movement?"

I did not say anything else in response to the student's mother's question. I just smiled and went to the student's room. The student is watching the terrible scenes of the movement on her mobile phone. I immediately averted my eyes. I don't have the courage to see this. As soon as I sat on the table in front of the student, the student turned off the phone and looked at me. she asks excitedly,

"Ma'am I thought you would not come today."

In response to the student's question, I said, "There is no reason to think so. Now take out the books and notebooks." 

The student took out the book and started reading. I was watching her homework. Then she said very indifferently,

"Ma'am, don't you know anything about the movement?"

"Read these things aside. Your exam is ahead."

My student is very polite and friendly. Listen to what I say. But today, for the first time, she contradicted my words. 

"Ma'am, you are studying. Surely for a good job! But why didn't you go to the movement? Well, ma'am, will you not feel bad if you go to a job interview in the future? Won't the guilt? Because there were many more talented students to interview for this job... who are not with us today. Would you hesitate to take away their dream job? "

I could not answer. I remained silent. Although I was angry, I suppressed it. Because I have no right to express this anger. I kept my head down in anger and shame. My student didn't say anything. She started reading by herself like every day.

__

Sitting on the bed with the laptop. I write to write the next chapter of Nobel. I have not been able to write for quite some time due to exams and the state of the country. I'm not a famous writer, but I write occasionally as a hobby. As I start writing, our house helper comes to clean my room. She and I have a good relationship. I affectionately call her aunt. She has a son who is 2 years older than me. Aunt's only son, she has many dreams about him. Aunt saw me and sat next to me.

"You didn't go to the movement?"

In response to aunt's question, I said, "No. Has your son gone?"

"Yes, he has. He has joined the movement since the first day. He comes to me every day and tells me everything."

"You don't have any problem with it? I heard that the Chhatra League party brought people from outside in the movement to beat the Chhatra Dal on the campus and in the fields!"

"Yes, at first I was a bit restrained. But my son made me understand that if we only think about ourselves and sit in fear, then they will do whatever they want. They will oppress and torture us as they pleases. We must stand firm. Injustice must be protested. Otherwise, the country will remain subjugated even if it becomes independent. How many people are making this country independent by giving up their lives... Now if we don't do anything, let the country go to waste, then their sacrifices will be in vain. So I didn't stop. Now I support him. "

"Wow, your son said it well."

"Why don't you go? Your mother didn't let you go?"

"Mom doesn't like these things. But this time I didn't want to go. "

"What! You didn't want to go? Are you afraid? You are not a person to be afraid. So? What happened now?" 

Aunt says quite surprised. Which is clearly reflected in her words and eyes. I could not answer aunt's words. I remained silent. I just looked at aunt and gave an embarrassed smile. My mom Calling aunt so she left. I closed the laptop as soon as she left. I don't feel like writing anymore. The mentality of writing is gone. 

I sat next to the window. I started thinking about myself.... what happened to me suddenly! Why did I become like this? Why can't I get the courage like before? Why am I silent? Everyone asks why I didn't go, are I afraid, what else... but I can't answer their questions. I myself do not know what happened to me. Why can't I go? However, I was afraid and choked! Or something else is blocking me!