Suicide In Amsterdam
SEPTEMBER 1, 1997 AMSTERDAM
Depression, miserability, and cluelessness are the things that he struggles with on a daily basis. In the beginning, he was hopeless, despondent, and in a terrible mental state.
Even the Amsterdam wind is insufficient to give him a slight sense of comfort. As though Amsterdam's beauty is lost in his gaze for some reason.
If you still feel empty, incomplete, and unworthy of being in this world even after standing in a busy location, it is both terrible and wonderful.
However, he was the only one who experienced this identical feeling. There in the middle of the Amsterdam crowd was him. Still, he senses that he is lacking something. A large group of people surrounded him.
Everyone was obligingly walking by him. But why would they give a damn? When you are depressed, nobody is around you, but when you want to be wounded, everyone is.
He was wearing a plain purple shirt, average-colored trousers, a maroon-colored tie and a black satchel bag slung over his left shoulder. Anxiety caused his wolfish facial feature to pale, and his eyes are clearly marked in crimson.
He couldn't understand how long he had been standing by the river, like a ghost among the chaotic crowd, lost in his own overwhelming thoughts.
He stood by the river's bridge, gripping the railing tightly in a slow manner. He releases a sigh accompanied by a strong gust of sorrowful wind.
He was staring at the setting sun with focused eyes. The red sky gradually turned into a dark hue. There were not many stars visible due to the weather affecting the appearance of the moon.
The sound of flowing water was like a glimpse into his past. His pale and melancholic face is reflected in the water. His own reflection in the water briefly frightened him. What had occurred to him?
He continues staring at his reflection until it disappears from the water. Night fell, the streetlights in Amsterdam began to synchronize. The cold breeze in that area quickly brushed against his body.
He didn't come here to appreciate the moment, but to try to commit suicide!
Yes, he's only here to try to commit suicide. To him, committing suicide is now as simple as grasping a bag.
Softly closing his eyes, he began contemplating the current state of his life. At times, certain life situations can feel incredibly difficult to endure even for just a moment. Even in a crowded place, your heart still feels lonely and doesn't stop feeling crowded.
"Times are becoming difficult, and I see no other solution but to end my life. It has become effortless for me to survive in this harsh world; it's best to shut off everything within seconds. Taking control of my own life is a simple task for me."
He let out another extended breath, opening his eyes. There was a strong resolve to commit suicide promptly. He grasped the railing with a firmer grip. A long time has passed since it was midnight once again.
He was prepared to end his own life. To complete all difficult and painful tasks. He is all alone, an orphan who had to bear the burden of responsibility from a young age. There was nobody in Amsterdam to prevent him from committing suicide.
He was by himself, completely by himself!
Life consistently posed difficult challenges in front of him. Solitude and emptiness were the only things he had to call his own, with no other words to describe his state of being.
If he closed his eyes and thought about his people, everything would become blind, vanish, and empty.
God did not accompany him throughout his entire life journey. Upon awakening, he gazes upon the star dazzling and gleaming, as well as the half moon obscured by the darkness of the cloud.
The bustling area was now transformed into a calm street. He was the one standing there. He tossed his bag onto the ground from his left shoulder. Loosened his tie.
He observed the towering and historic buildings of Amsterdam in the distance. He could only hear the soft wind whispering, but above all, he could hear himself whispering in an unfamiliar voice.
"You are planning to commit suicide!"
He felt a bit scared, but his life's memories overshadowed the fear. Looking at Amsterdam one last time, he was unsure if he was appreciating the time spent there or blaming the time that led him there today.
Afterwards, he gazed at the river for the first time, realizing he couldn't swim. He truly did not! If he were to dive into the water at this moment, there would be no hope of survival, and there would be nobody around to rescue him since it was midnight.
He talks quietly to himself.
"You are a failure! All your actions only added to the already heavy load! It is now the conclusion of all your sadness and feelings of being alone!"
He was fully prepared to jump now. He felt sad and full of sorrow, never expecting to have to make this decision one day. Deciding to attempt suicide is a very painful experience.
Only those who have experienced it can truly understand. However, their situation was not in their favor either, so why should they keep living a life that only brings them a lot of burdens?
Believe it or not, only he knows the extent of what he had to endure in order to make this decision! His eyes were filled with feelings, but it pained him even more that they didn't manifest as tears.
For what reason? Why is everything becoming more difficult nowadays?
He anxiously placed one leg on the railing as the other trembled uncontrollably.
He was unsure if his legs were trembling from fear or because he wasn't capable of doing it. Which option? He was able to rest his other leg on the railing, but he caught a faint whisper that was audible enough to be heard.
— "So when faced with the choice of do or die, it has been decided that you will die!"
Who will be present at midnight? However, despite his faith, he was on the verge of taking his own life until he heard a voice that made him reconsider.
Because his body was leaning on the railing for support, he accidentally slipped when he turned around suddenly. He was filled with a great sense of fear and was on the verge of collapsing.
This situation occurred very quickly. Definitely, he sensed that his life was on the verge of ending. He was unaware and filled with anxiety and anger for being on the railing, yet he forgot his original intention of attempting suicide. So, why was he afraid of falling into the water?
Fortunately, just in time, the man standing behind him caught his hand before he felt like everything was falling apart. He swayed in the breeze, feeling a cool wind that made him shiver even though it was still summer.
The man exhibited great strength; his way of grabbing showed that he was indeed a strong individual. When he was on the verge of shouting, his voice was silenced by the man's grip.
He felt fear and kept his eyes closed, but they opened unconsciously when he felt the warmth of a man's hand.
He observed the man wearing a black trench coat that reached his thighs, with dark hair mostly hidden under a backward cap, and a blank expression on his face.
He stared at him as if he could see right through him with just a brief, intense gaze. Could he no longer comprehend any of his thoughts, he once more heard the impactful yet unhurried voice of the man.
—"I am letting go of your hand!"
In unison, he shouted loudly.
— "No way! Avoid doing that!"
The following words spoken by the man sent a shiver down his spine and were completely unforeseen. The man spoke slowly and calmly, yet he maintained a tight grip on his hand.
— "Did you not arrive here with the intention of committing suicide? Why are you preventing me from letting go of your hand?"
That is absolutely correct! What was his reason for attempting to prevent the man? He was ready to commit suicide, and if they were to agree, he would die within moments.
Did he want to die after all?
So, why did he lose his focus? Did he possibly desire to reside in this world? He was confused, but then the man spoke confidently.
— "We are the ones responsible for our own unhappiness, not external factors."
The man was unaware, however, he wondered why he was being presented with a spiritual vision of reliving his life. He said confidently that maybe he understood that as well.
—"Please don't let go of my hand. I desire to experience life!"
He never expected that he would do it. The man chuckled mysteriously before lifting him up onto the bridge.
It would not be untrue to say that the man possessed supernatural strength. He caused him to stand up.
Initially, he was out of breath due to the circumstances, and then because of the man's gaze and overall appearance. Watching the man closely and clearly left him feeling puzzled.