Ch 3 - What I did

The next visit to my therapist was a tense one.

Over the weekend, I had reassured myself, telling myself it was okay.

As much as these therapy sessions made my mom tense, she had no choice but to agree since I was quite detached from the world.

I wouldn't really talk to her about the details of those days, which scared her, so she had to power through the sessions.

She seemed to be in a lighter mood as she drove her Camry back to grandmother's place.

"Did anything happen?" I forced out.

She looked at me briefly with smiling eyes before smiling again.

"She said you are getting better," she said amidst smiles. "Looks like she's right."

Curious again, I asked, "Why does she think so?"

She glanced at me again, her smile bigger than the last. "You're finally holding a conversation since…"

Her voice trailed into that darkness I feared.

"Since?" I asked again.

"Since a long while," she said, planting a reassuring smile, as she drove into grandma's driveway.

Back to the tense therapy session.

My palms were unusually sweaty that day, my face broke out in so much sweat that I thought I would need a bucket to store it.

Yet, even though she knew I was nervous about what I wanted to say, she kept smiling.

Indifferent, like that man was.

Luckily, in his final moments, he finally showed a hint of emotion that I thought I had never seen.

Shock.

Fear.

Helplessness.

I will never forget how those blue eyes stared back at me and continued to stare as his life left him.

"So, are you ready?" Miss Anna, my therapist, finally said after she tried to bring me back to reality.

"No," I said, sure of what I felt.

"We never are," she said, reassuring me. "How about we start from how your family was... before it all happened," she said with a curious look.

"Hm, okay," I replied, pausing before I started talking.

And when I did, I never stopped.

"My family consisted of just five people. I never considered that man as part of my family. He never was. I think it was after my mother told him she was having twins that it all started. I don't know how having twins could turn someone so sweet and loving into someone so..." I paused as I grabbed the always-full bottle of water in front of me and downed it.

I swallowed my tears horribly.

"To be honest, maybe I just didn't notice who he actually was before because he was hardly home, and when he was, he would bring gifts, give me a smile, but say nothing to me. I didn't mind—my mother filled those voids with her words about who she thought he was, and I... I didn't know any better. The night at the table when she announced the pregnancy, I was 10. I saw her huge smile disappear after he threw the food she had spent hours making. It was a very frightening moment for me, and I shook and trembled when I saw the angry face he made at her. All she said was, 'It's okay, honey. Go to your room. Your dad and I need to talk.' I nodded like the little kid I was and rushed up the stairs when I finally heard him speak behind me. 'We're having another one? Just when I thought it couldn't get worse.' Those words haunted me for the rest of my teenage years.

For the next seven years, I witnessed and heard my mother become that man's punching bag. Maybe that night I shouldn't have gone up. I blame myself all the time because maybe it would have ended the beatings."

"Everlyn, look at me. It's okay. You're just trying to find a reason for everything."

"You don't understand."

"Understand what?" my therapist asked with keen eyes.

"If I had gone back down there with my pocket knife, maybe he wouldn't have had to die by my hands this late. Just maybe, my family wouldn't have had to suffer for years at his hands," I said, with eyes full of nothing but hatred.

"What do you think, Miss Anna?" I asked her with the most innocent eyes, as if I had done nothing wrong.

Not that I did.

But I remember Miss Anna grabbing the bottle from in front of me and drinking it like she was starved as she held out the most awkward smile.

Hm, that's more like it.

That's the smile I like to see.

"Eve dear, let's go," my mother called out.