CHAPTER-1

Starting of Journal

October 29, 2020

Soon it's going to be the end of the year, and soon I'm going to be 17 by the end of the year. I don't understand what should i do to make it alright for me to feel okay or feel like i'm safe, or i'm already good enough to make it out well in my life but i don't know why but i don't seem to feel like that, no matter how hard i try.

It's a journal of a 17 year old girl who just only shut herself in her room reading and writing all the time.

That's right you read it right.

Before, it never occurred to me to write a journal about me or about my feelings, or my daily live in paper at all, it's just whenever i feel heavy inside me i tend to write based on my feelings by creating a character to give all of my pain to that character so at least i could feel lighter by giving my pain, my sufferings to my character which i created just for to carry my burden and pain.

I know it's wrong but I can't find anything better than this to let out my feelings, at least it's better than hurting myself physically or others verbally.

But now I decided to write a journal about myself . And here i'll be brutally honest with myself , there's a phrase i have read in internet today, "if i can't even honest with myself, how can i honest with others"

I don't care that much about others, nor do others care about me, but I need to care about myself. It's for me.

I left all kinds of kindness towards others as it only brings me pain and heartbreak and headache. It's better to be alone then feel the pain of abandoned which only make you more vulnerable than before , which question your self worth more than before and eventually lead you to suicidal thoughts as well as thinking of better not to be exist in this universe as you tend to believe that you're just a mistake to be exist in this universe.

I don't want to feel like this anymore so I choose to hide my feelings, emotions and everything away from it and keep it to myself. This is my way to protect myself from getting hurt from the world and the intelligent creatures living here in the name of Homosapiens or you can say human being.