CHAPTER-2

About me

So, let me introduce myself here in the pretty journal which I'm gonna make for myself, where I tear myself very brutally, which is really needed for my self improvement.

So my name is Janice, I was born in the heavy winter of November 29 2003, well we can't say heavy winter but the day i was born it snowing so hard that it feels ominous for some people like my some relatives , but later when i grow up i understand why it must be that day for such heavy snowing.

I came to find out it was a welcome sign for the arrival of me in this universe, while most of the humans finding every reason to make my only day to be the most ominous one and tried every means to make my arrival in their family is the most misfortune and will bring misfortune for them.

I don't know how their predictions came true one after another. At the age of 5 i lost my mother who was the solace of me, who was extremely joyous of my arrival after all i'm the only daughter of hers. I loved her there's no doubt but i was only 5 years old at that time to fully understand what's going on besides all of this , seeing just my mother lie down in such a cold floor without moving much with her face covered, i don't understand at that time, what's going on with my mother? Why was she on the floor lying down there? I hate to see her like that but I can't do anything for as i can't even able to express myself nor able to understand enough to do anything for her. After she passed away i remembered very well that night when i was lying down in bed all alone by myself, i tried to understand what's going on there, but i can't able to understand ,i just felt utterly lonely and sad for no reason , i was waiting for my mother to come to me to make me fall asleep , but she didn't come all the night not even single person from that family came even once to check up on this little girl. 

 I was waiting till the sun rises but no one comes that's the moment i got that no one will come not even my mother she went away very far from me, very far that she won't even able to come back to me even if she tried, the moment when i realized that i cried , i cried very hard, it's awful but i ended up having a very high fever because of my crying and i happened to sleeping due fever for 4 days straight . When i opened my eyes i wanted to see my mother's face as usual but that's not happened again i didn't able to find her that's the second moment when it hit me that she won't come back , no matter how hard i will fall in fever or any worldly disease , she won't come back , i came back to my thought and observe my grandma is there with me holding my hands , crying for me "My poor girl", 

That's her words for me when I opened my eyes, i didn't ask for my mother as i already know she won't come back.

I asked for my father. She replied that he went out of the country for some unfinished business, it took me a month to get able to adjust with this unfamiliar surroundings without my parents around me. I hopelessly waited for my father after my mother's death. I was all alone by myself even though there were people besides me but I just don't feel like they like me, they taunt me with various things like my mother's death , my father's abandonment. About me being misfortune for my parents, for my family. To be honest it hurts , it really hurts, it physically hurts for getting blamed for all of the things as a child , who doesn't know a single thing about all of the things which should be unknown for a child like me but here everything is going different like totally opposite of it. I get matured every single day by listening to all of the shit they put on me, waiting for my father's visit.

While waiting for my father , after 2 years he finally came to me but he wasn't like before, like there's no happiness or any joyful feelings in his eyes by seeing me, his child, his only child. What I was excitedly waiting for turned into sadness and disappointment in such a few seconds after seeing my father. It hurt seeing him like that but I swept my real emotions inside me , behind my smile and asked him, How's he? 

He didn't bother with my questions and moved to my grandmother's room to discuss something .

I stand outside of her room and listen to their discussion regarding me. At the age of 7 years, I heard my father's real emotion and real feelings about me. 

"I can't accept her, no matter how hard I try to convince myself. She is a monster really ,she eats up my wife and she will destroy everything she comes across , she shouldn't be born . She should be left .She is a misfortune and a monster. Let's put her in the orphanage. That's the only thing I can do for her."

After listening to all of the words coming out from my father's, my own father's mouth breaks me from inside, the patience and my broken parts which I keep intact by holding myself while waiting for my fatherly love , fall apart in just a fraction of seconds. I felt crumble beneath my father's word, i left from there and run towards my room and closes my door , i want to cry but i couldn't able to cry i feel like something gets stuck inside my throat i couldn't able to breath properly i can't even able to , i feel slowly , slowly my breath gets disappearing and i fall to floor after gets fainted. This made me question my existence in this universe, i accepted all the shits from others just for getting abandoned from my father. That moment I wanted to cry , I wanted to hug and ask my father why he let me come to this world if he hated me that much, but I wasn't able to ask me. 

First my mother who unwillingly but did leave me in this world and now my father , he left me because he couldn't stand me just because of that he left me the next day of my mother's death.

There's no one left here whom i can call my own , everyone left me ,i am all alone. I just for my death so i can go to my mother but then she appears in my dream , while holding me she said, "My dear Janice I'm sorry , i'm really sorry for leaving you behind all by yourself, i'm sorry my child, i never want to leave behind, it just i don't have any options left behind."

"Mummaa, take me with you please , mumma I'll be very good girl, i won't do any mistakes just take me with you please, no one loves me as you do to me, i'm all alone by myself , everyone hates me, daddy also hates me now please just take me with you , everyone hurt me with their words , with their actions, no one take care of me after you left. Please mumma, please".

"My child I can't take you with me, you have a life which you have to live no matter how hard you try to avoid it. I know I'm at fault for leaving so early but I'll be with you every time, whenever you need me. "

When I opened my eyes, I realized she was gone again and it's my dream. But before that , I ran towards my father. I thought if I cried and held him , he would stop or might stop giving me to the orphanage. I ran towards him, held his legs and begged him "please daddy , please don't leave me. I'll be good , I'll listen to everything you say, please don't leave me all alone, please."