Bullet Proof

"At least we got to have one drink before the shit hit the fan," Rabastan said, sighing dramatically.

The letter came from Gellert just as they were finishing that drink. He called an emergency meeting of the Aurors at the Ministry...right away...quite afterhours. He said that he was sending Juda back to theirs so they could go get Arthur, as he was also wanted at the meeting.

"He's going to just love that," Rabastan cackled as Bella read the letter aloud.

"Perhaps he misses us already," Rod said with a grin.

As it happened, Arthur was in baggy red pajama bottoms and nothing else when the three Lestranges arrived with Juda in the middle of his sitting room. He sat in an armchair in front of his television watching something that involved a lot of group laughter from an unseen audience.

"What on earth?" he said, straightening and lowering a bag of something from which he'd been apparently eating.

"What is that in the bag?" Juda wondered aloud.

"Funyuns," Arthur replied. "They're yummy, and crunchy, and shaped like onions when they're sliced into rings. Want one? Also want to tell me what the hell is happening? Because I hope something is happening. Otherwise you people just think it's okay to show up at someone's place...right inside of someone's place without knocking, or writing, or calling in advance...I say calling because I also emailed Millicent my phone number just after you guys left earlier.

"I really hope something is going on, because otherwise it is going to melt my mind if posh British wizards feel it is socially appropriate to just show up, literally, in the middle of my relaxed evening at home completely unannounced."

Rodolphus grinned. "See? Told you he missed us." Then to Arthur he added, "Did you know that you complain as much as our daughter? I'm not sure that we wanted another child. Also we haven't spoken to Millicent, and we have no way of using your phone number."

"Yes, Juda would like to try a Funyun, he supposes," Juda said, extending a small hand.

"And yes, there is a reason we have arrived so suddenly," Bellatrix said. "Grindelwald has called a meeting at the Ministry and he wishes for your presence as well as ours."

"Also we didn't knock because to do so we would have to Apparate outside where someone may see us, and we forgot the invisibility cloaks in our rush," Rabastan added sheepishly.

"In our defense we were also unwinding at home with a drink," Rod added. "We actually talked Harold into having one with us, and it was a lovely moment until Grindelwald decided to call a blasted meeting!"

"What's it about," Arthur asked. "The gun thing? Because I can't imagine another reason he'd want me there. I don't have a gun, by the way. I prefer swords. No one ever accidentally killed anyone else with a sword and accidents happen with guns all the time, real and fake."

"What's a fake accident?" Rabastan wanted to know.

"It's where someone lies and says the gun ACCIDENTALLY went off so they can get away with killing someone on ACCIDENT," Arthur said.

"Amateurs," Rodolphus murmured scathingly.

"Indeed. Only sometimes they actually get away with it," Arthur said.

"Because Muggles are stupid," Bellatrix asked.

Arthur considered for a second before nodding. "Basically, yeah."

"We assume the meeting is about the gun information you passed on to us, yes," Rod said. "Gellert didn't ask if you have one, though."

"Fine," Arthur groaned. He passed the bag of Funyuns to Juda. "Have as many as you want while I go get myself dressed."

Juda murmured his thanks before reaching into the bag and drawing out a round hoop. After studying it carefully, he took an experimental bite. His teeth made an audible crunching sound as he bit down and chewed.

"What's it taste like?" Rabastan wondered.

"Onions...almost," Juda replied after a few seconds. "Want one?"

"Probably not," Rabastan said slowly. "Well...maybe."

"Do you think the chaos will ever stop," Bellatrix asked Rod.

"Fuck, I don't have to eat it if you care that much," Rabastan grumbled.

"Shut up," Bellatrix snapped. "It isn't about the stupid Muggle trash food. We can't even have an evening at home to unwind even after she's bloody dead."

"Probably not," Rod said.

Bellatrix gave him a startled look. "You don't think she's dead," she asked incredulously. "After what Wulfric and then Loughness did to her, I don't see how she can't be!"

Rod shook his head. "Oh, I believe she's quite dead and very gone," he assured. "I meant I don't think the chaos will end any time soon, no."

Bellatrix sighed, nodding. "I didn't think so. I just wanted to hear you say it."

Rod grinned. "Always glad to help."

"Does that mean my life is going to be all chaotic too, just because you lot are in the midst of some damned revolution," Arthur asked, emerging from the back of the...what had he called it earlier...compartment? Apartment?

"What sort of word is apartment? It's stupid," Bellatrix grumbled. "It seems compartment would fit better, as there seem to be many compartments in this one building."

"Yeah, but they're...apart from one another," Arthur grinned and Bella scowled.

"Muggles are stupid. Compartments are also apart from one another, that's why they're bloody compartments!"

"Words are indeed weird," Arthur agreed. "And indeed, many Muggles are stupid. I bet some wizards are stupid too."

"Actually, yes," Rod nodded. "There are some that consort with Muggles that aren't at all...special, like you. They feel those Muggles have rights equal to our own, and many even shag them! They utterly lower themselves! They forget all the suffering and trouble they've caused us for centuries upon centuries."

"Though compartment is an accurate word, many things have compartments, so if we also use the word for living spaces like apartments, it would quickly become confusing," Arthur said. His slow and patient tone annoyed Bellatrix, causing her scowl to deepen.

"Fine," she bit out. "Then living in a building with hooked together homes is stupid."

"It's a matter of space and convenience, so it's actually practical," Arthur corrected patiently. "In my case, for example, if I owned my own home, I'd be responsible for any repairs, and that can quickly get expensive. If there is a roof leak or a serious plumbing problem, it isn't cheap. With an apartment that I don't own like this one, the landlord's maintenance team is responsible for fixing any issues and I pay nothing other than rent."

"So apartments are for poor people," Bellatrix asked.

"How can you be poor and afford to spend so much bloody gold on a car," Rodolphus asked incredulously.

Arthur sighed and Juda took another Funyun from the bag, crunching into it.

"Alright! Fuck it, I'll have one," Rabastan said, reaching for the bag.

Bellatrix made a face of disgust, and Rod nodded in silent agreement.

"I am not poor, but I consider owning a house a waste of money at this point for reasons exactly like my Porsche. I make good money, but I'm not rich. So the Porsche comes before a house on my list of priorities. I get more pleasure from a smooth fast ride than a house when the apartment is far more convenient and meets all my needs. This is a very nice apartment building. Though poor people also can live in apartments, they aren't nearly as nice." Arthur said, going into more personal detail with this explanation.

Bella nodded. It was beginning to make a bit of sense, she supposed, though the Muggle lifestyle was still beyond her comprehension, and she did not care to change that.

"When you move to London, you can live with us, and things will be far more civilized all around," Rod said.

Arthur raised his brows, but shrugged, making no direct objection.

Rabastan thoughtfully bit into one of the round Funyun things. He chewed, swallowed, and took another bite.

"Well," Arthur asked. "What do you think?"

"I think I could eat a shitload of these if I were drunk," Rabastan said.

Rod raised his brows. "And that means what?"

Rabastan shrugged. "It means it's good drunk food, and if you fucking ask me what that means, I will smack you."

"On that pleasant note, are we leaving now," Arthur asked. "I'm ready if you all are."

"Are we taking these," Rabastan asked, rattling the bag of Funyuns.

Arthur's lips quirked. "Sure."

Juda grinned happily, snatching one more before Apparating them all to Auror headquarters at the Ministry. Bellatrix was more than grateful when the smell of coffee greeted her.

"Good, you're finally here," Gellert said.

"Where's the coffee?" Bellatrix demanded.

"Would someone please get the Lestranges, Arthur, and Juda some coffee," Gellert called.

"I'm on it," T. Valdez called, nearly tripping over her own feet as she rushed across the room.

"Thank you!" Bellatrix said gratefully. Coffee was going to make everything all nice and clear and manageable. The magic of good strong caffeine was hard to rival.

"Sure," T. replied cheerfully. "No trouble at all."

Everyone was seated at work tables around the room. Bella settled down with Rod, Rabastan, Arthur, and Juda at the table with Gellert and Blaise, who sat with Gori and an exhausted looking Kereston.

"Arthur's information about the guns was concerning," Gellert began. "It puts me in mind of the Muggle weapons used in their two world wars." He frowned, looking as though he'd just bitten hard into a lemon. "Wizards have been taken unaware by such weapons and killed in the past, sometimes by accident, sometimes not. I had no idea they were in common use when there were no wars on." He sighed, his expression quite put upon, as if the Muggles who insisted on using guns offended him personally. "I see no need for such, after all."

"Oh, there is a need," Arthur said. "They love killing each other, and robbing each other, so they need guns for that. Then those who wish to protect themselves against such likewise require guns for self defense."

"Except for you," Bellatrix said. "You said you have swords."

Arthur nodded. "Yes. Some people choose to defend themselves with other weapons. Those take more skill to use effectively, though, so most just opt for guns." He made a face. "They're faster to learn but far more dangerous, especially in the wrong hands."

"Well, we need to devote our time and energy to learning to protect against guns magically," Gellert said. "And we begin tonight… Right now, in fact. Only we'll need to practice. For this, of course we'll need a gun."

He looked expectantly at Arthur who sighed. "I don't have one."

"Here's your coffee," T. Valdez sang out as several cups floated over until everyone who'd arrived from Arthur's place had steaming cups of strong coffee in front of them.

The Ministry coffee didn't have fancy flavored creamers, but it was very strong, and at present that was more important.

"So can you get us some guns," Gellert asked, turning expectantly toward Arthur. "And can you shoot them so that we can practice placing defenses against their projectiles?"

Arthur carefully set his cup of coffee down on the table as he turned toward Gellert with a sigh. "The projectiles are called bullets. And getting my hands on guns isn't that easy. There are procedures. One must get a permit and register the gun and..."

Gellert waved a hand dismissively. "I'm bored with all that. I just care about how fast you can make it happen."

"I don't know how fast I can make it happen," Arthur nearly shouted in frustration.

"There are some Aurors who have Muggle families. They can probably help, and, of course, we'll give you all the money you require up front," Gellert said.

"That won't get gun permits any faster," Arthur said. "Guns are expensive so the money will be useful for that part. There are also several types, so what sort of gun you want will matter."

"How about one of each," Gellert said. "That will protect us against anything those wizards without magic may consider using."

Arthur stared at him for several long seconds as he considered. "Alright. I have a student with a vast gun collection. He loves all sorts of weapons. He comes to me for sword training, but he has often mentioned going to the shooting range after class. This means that he already has a lot of guns, a permit to legally use them, and a place to use them. I would have to at least share some of this information with him, and you're probably not going to want that, but he's the fastest idea I have. Any guns he doesn't have you can buy, but he is a collector and has a lot."

"We can just make him forget," Romeo told Arthur. He spoke from across the room where he sat beside his wife. "We can give him limited information, and he'll forget it when we're finished. It won't hurt him."

Gellert nodded. "We can do that, yes, but we could also just ask him to demonstrate the guns while we watch, and we won't have to tell him anything. After we understand how the guns function, we can surely emulate something similar to test the shields and other protections we come up with. Eventually we can use actual guns to test them, but perhaps Arthur can just borrow a few from this student for that bit."

"I don't know how to shoot them, but aside from that, it sounds like a plan," Arthur said drily.

An Auror with mousy brown hair and a thin build who was seated at the table with the Valdez couple raised his hand. "My Muggle uncle can shoot and he knows about magic, so he could help with that bit."

Gellert smiled. "Wonderful!"

"Great," Arthur said. "I'll just go home and call my student now. We'll have you lot bulletproof in no time, or at least in a few days." He looked to Juda. "If you can take me home, we'll get this started.

"Can we see these guns tonight," Gellert asked.

"I'll try to make that happen," Arthur said, expression mildly strained. "I'm sure I'll be able to make up some sort of harmless, believable lie. Maybe saying my friends are going to be trying out for some movie that involves lots of gun knowledge...or something."

Rabastan extended the now nearly empty Funyun bag to him. "Want a Funyun for the road? You're probably gonna need it."