BlackGuyInnaBowtie

Literally just a bunch of old journal entries of mine.
Cringe along with me as I relive these days.
It's been at least 15 years...some of these are as old as 20!
How bad could it be? 


*Names will be omitted and replaced with "XXXXX" in order to keep some semblance of privacy.*

Old Journals of a Millennial.

A journal entry: September 27th, 2004.

-Later that night.-

(Still 15 years old.)

"When I young...I fell in love.

We used to hold hands, man...that was enough."

A part of me wishes that I knew more as a kid when it came to relationships, friendships, connections, and the likes.

A bigger part of me is glad that I didn't.

I NEEDED to go through these things, you know?

I needed the pain, joy, sorrow, jubilation, confusion, hope, and dismay.

I needed those things in order to become the man that I am today.

That man may not be much, but he isn't stupid.

But above all else, I am understanding.

That last one is the hardest to be in this world simply because it requires many of the things listed before it as prerequisite.

In short I am saying: I grew from all of this, It made me better in one way or another.

Use your past to view your present in a new light so that your future wont be a reflection of everything behind it.

In some of my later journals I am sure that this it will be obvious to you all where and when I DIDN'T learn this lesson lbvs.

Oh what -cruel- fate has bestowed upon me...for once again, this shield has been crushed...and the heart held behind is now turned to stone...

Love don't live here anymore...for the vessel has been destroyed and not a sign of life lives within...

Yup...as you might have guessed, she dumped me once more...

But it is I who be stupefied by love to continue to return to her after each stab of this sword...

I'll let this book shed my tears, for I can no longer do so.

Man...It's hard to imagine loving someone with such depth and vigor in these modern times.

And maybe I am just in some strange form of denial, but I genuinely don't remember dating this girl...

As I stated in a few of the last entries, I was madly in love with her (or what I perceived as love at that age.) I wanted to date her and marry her and all of that squishy, puppy love stuff lol.

I have no recollection of us ever officially being anything more than just friends.

I actually remember going to the movies with a friend of mine and this particular girl, along with a friend of hers. We went to see a dance movie called 'Honey' I am sure this movie dropped in 2003 If I am correct.

After the movie we went to her friends house and hung out. Well...kinda.

She sat in a different room with my friend the whole time laughing and joking, while me and her friend sat in the living room awkwardly watching Finding Nemo, lonely together lol.

I had saved every penny that I could.

I was sooooooo hurt and disappointed and crushed.

I was also head over heels for this girl, and she obviously didn't feel the same for me.

Later that night after we had left the girl behind and skated off into the night, he told me that she said that she only hung out with me to give me a sort of false hope. That she only ever wanted to be friends, but didn't want to hurt me.

Not on the spot, but later. I did.

I was a sensitive kid in that way. I was always looking to be loved.

It never seemed to come easy for me for whatever reason.

As an adult I now see that I may have just been to open...to wanting and willing to give and serve.

I still am that way in some regard...I've just learned to love from afar or silently.

Neither is probably any more effective lol.

Still chases her around the playground in my memories.

Chapter 15. "Stupefied by love."