20. A talk with Johnson

The dim glow of the bar lights cast shadows across Alexander's face, accentuating the weariness etched into his features. As he stared at the nearly empty glass in front of him, the weight of his decisions and the consequences of his past mistakes felt heavier than ever. Johnson's presence was comforting, a steady anchor in the storm of his emotions, but it wasn't enough to quiet the turmoil in his mind.

Johnson watched his friend, recognizing the signs of a man who was struggling to keep his composure. He leaned forward, trying to meet Alexander's eyes. "Alex, I've known you for years. I've seen you at your best, and I've seen you at your worst. This isn't like you, to sit and wallow. What's really going on? Is it just about Emily moving on, or is it more than that?"

Alexander hesitated, running his fingers along the edge of his glass. The alcohol's warmth did little to soothe the coldness creeping into his chest. "It's everything, Johnson. Not just Emily. It's the whole damn mess I made of my life. The business, Vanessa, my family… I don't even recognize myself anymore. I feel like I've lost control of everything that ever mattered to me."

Johnson nodded slowly, sensing the deeper layers of pain beneath Alexander's words. "I've seen you juggle a million things at once and come out on top. But maybe, just maybe, this is the one time you can't just power through it. You've got to face it, Alex. All of it. The guilt, the mistakes, the regrets. Running away from them, drowning them in work or alcohol, isn't going to fix anything."

Alexander clenched his jaw, a muscle twitching as he fought to keep his emotions in check. "I know. But knowing doesn't make it any easier. Seeing her with Nathan… it's like salt in the wound. He's everything I'm not right now—stable, dependable, a good guy. And he's not afraid to be there for her in ways I never was."

Johnson watched Alexander's eyes, which were filled with frustration and the faintest glimmer of something he hadn't seen in a long time: vulnerability. "Nathan's not perfect, Alex. And neither is Emily. She's been hurt too, you know. But she's trying to move forward, just like you need to."

Alexander leaned back, staring at the ceiling as if searching for answers that weren't there. "I miss her. I miss us. But how do you fix something that's already broken? How do you make someone believe in you again when you've given them every reason not to?"

Johnson's expression softened. He had seen Alexander struggle before, but this was different—this was a man grappling with the realization that he had lost the one person who truly mattered. "You don't fix it overnight, Alex. You start small. You show up. Not just for her, but for yourself. You've got to find a way to forgive yourself first. If you can't do that, no amount of apologizing or grand gestures will mean a damn thing."

Alexander's grip tightened around his glass, his knuckles turning white. "I'm not even sure I deserve forgiveness. Not from her, not from anyone."

"Deserving it or not isn't the point," Johnson said firmly. "It's about being willing to do the work. You've got to rebuild yourself from the ground up, Alex. And maybe, along the way, you'll find a way back to her. Or maybe you won't. But at least you'll know you tried."

The words hung heavy in the air between them, a truth that Alexander couldn't ignore. He finished his drink, setting the glass down with a quiet clink. "You make it sound so simple."

Johnson smiled faintly, though his eyes remained serious. "It's not. But you've faced bigger challenges before. The difference now is that you've got to do it for yourself, not for anyone else. And if Emily sees the man you're becoming, maybe she'll find her way back to you. But first, you need to get your life back in order. Start with the little things—your work, your health, your friends."

Alexander nodded slowly, letting Johnson's words sink in. The bitterness in his chest hadn't vanished, but there was a flicker of something else now—resolve. "I've been pushing everyone away," he admitted, his voice quieter now, almost ashamed. "I thought if I just focused on the business, if I just kept moving, it would all somehow fix itself."

Johnson shook his head. "Life doesn't work that way, Alex. You can't outrun your problems, and you can't hide from your feelings. It's okay to feel lost. What's not okay is giving up on yourself."

Alexander glanced around the bar, taking in the laughter and conversations of people who seemed so carefree compared to the storm brewing inside him. "I'm tired, Johnson. Tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not."

Johnson leaned back, a thoughtful look on his face. "Then stop pretending. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with the people around you. If you want to get better, if you want a shot at a real future—whether that's with Emily or not—you've got to start being real about what you want."

The words struck a chord in Alexander, piercing through the fog of anger and regret. He realized that he'd been holding onto a fantasy of who he used to be, rather than facing the reality of who he was now. For the first time in a long time, he allowed himself to confront the truth: he was scared. Scared of failing again, scared of facing Emily and finding out that she had truly moved on, scared of the emptiness that came with losing everything he once took for granted.

Alexander exhaled deeply, a mix of determination and resignation settling in. "You're right. I've been stuck in my own head, letting my pride and my guilt keep me from moving forward. But I can't keep doing this. I need to change."

Johnson raised his glass in a small toast, his eyes filled with encouragement. "To change, then. One step at a time."

Alexander clinked his glass against Johnson's, feeling the faintest hint of hope stirring within him. As they drank, the conversation shifted to lighter topics—old memories, work stories, and the kinds of jokes that only years of friendship could produce. But beneath it all, there was a renewed sense of purpose in Alexander, a glimmer of the man he wanted to be.

The night continued, filled with laughter, shared stories, and a quiet understanding that this moment was just the beginning. For Alexander, it was a small but significant step—a promise to himself that he would fight for a better future, not just for Emily, but for the man he knew he could still become.