Chapter II: The First Day

FREEDOM is meant for everyone, but not to us. You see, there's an exception for everything, especially if you're leaving in a country where almost everyone is hypocrite. It's okay for them if it's beneficial to them, but if it isn't, then they'll just wash their hands and as if nothing happened.

 It's okay if they are other people, but with your own family? Ang hirap tanggapin na sila pala mismo ang maghahatol sa kung ano ka, at mas masakit pa ro'n, hindi ka nila kayang tanggapin o kahit unawain man lang muna bago sila magdesisyon kung ano ang gagawin. Pero hindi, eh… gano'n pala talaga kakitid mga utak ng mga taong—hindi ko alam. Siguro gano'n lang siguro ang takbo ng buhay.

 I learned life in a hard way. I was just a fresh graduate when they chose to abandon me. Unburden themselves from the judgement of other people—saving themselves so they won't get to hell. I never imagine this day would come. I thought… tatanggapin nila ako without any hesitation, like they are just waiting for me to say it—that I'm gay. Guess, I'm just imagining things to turn out.

 It was a rainy night—love the weather. I though it was going to be a nice and beautiful moment to finally talk to them about me, being gay. So, I did bring my boyfriend to the party. It was my mother's birthday. Everyone in the family was there. Sobrang confident ko na magiging maayos lang ang gabi, na magiging double celebration ito dahil magka-come out ako sa lahat ng family ko.

 Tandang-tanda ko pa nga no'ng sinabi ni Hermes sa akin na, kung hindi pa ako ready, okay lang daw, kasi we got plenty of time in this world daw. Pero dahil hindi naman talaga ako natatakot o kinakabahan, kaya I told him that it was fine. Everything is going to be okay. I didn't know where that courage came from. All I know was they were family, and there was nothing to be afraid of.

 They called me on stage. It was my turn to say a birthday message for my mother. Everyone was shouting—cheering me up. I saw my mother sitting in front, in the middle of the crowd with dad. I can see through their sparkling eyes; they were proud of me as their only son. That moment, I felt something… something that was opposite to what I felt earlier. The confidence I got, disappear in thin air. My heart went pump rapidly. It was like it's telling me not to do it, but my mind kept pushing me to do it, because the future says, no matter when I choose to tell them the truth about me, they will never accept me for being who I am.

 And so, I told them, in front of my mother's friends and families. I am gay, Mom. It was the most fulfilling feeling I felt that night. Finally, I'm free. I have unchained myself from the wrecking ball I always carried in my whole life. I cried—tears of joy. Nakita ko rin si Mommy na umiyak—tears of joy? Lumapit siya sa akin at… Nagising ako. Namulat ang aking sarili sa delusional kong isipan nang sampalin niya ako gamit ang kaliwa niyang kamay. "How dare you ruined my night?" She was very mad.

 My world fell apart. I couldn't see anything but her face, crying in pain and shame. My father was beside her, he didn't say anything, but by doing so, I know he was disappointed and ashamed of me. Their only son is gay. Bringer of sin and bad luck.

 Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakaalis sa sitwasyong iyon. Ang natatandaan ko na lang, ay nang makarating kami sa boarding house ni Isla, isa sa mga kaibigan namin ni Hermes. She was living alone since we had started college. They did everything just to comfort me. Wala akong narinig mula kay Hermes. I was expecting him too to say, "I told you so." But there was none.

 Isla and some of our friends—Lara, Miguel, and Joaquin, took us. Tinulungan nila kami na makabukod. Hindi ko kakayanin na mabuhay na mag-isa, kung hindi dahil sa kanila, malamang naging palaboy-laboy na ako sa daan. Much worse, naging bayaran. Pero mas naging swerte ako dahil sa boyfriend ko, ni kahit kailan hindi niya akong sinabihan ng kahit ano'ng salita na makakasakit sa akin. He never mentioned about what happened since that night. We keep moving forward until where we are right now.

 I still can still remember the moment we bought this house. The excitement we felt can't be measure by number. I imagined million scenarios we can make with inside it together with Hermes. And so, every day, we make it as if it was our last day together. Puro tawa at pagmamahalan lang ang pinuno namin sa bahay na ito. Inside this room, I feel safe… safe from what's outside. Everything is because of Hermes. It won't be possible if it wasn't because of him. I am fighting with myself, so we can live together.

A SERENE feeling envelops me as I sit on our sleek kitchen island, relishing in the fresh rural. From our loft, we can hear nothing but the sound of the city below. A warm light saturates the space as sunshine pours in through the enormous windows. I'm making coffee for the two of us while still wearing my pajamas and large sweater. As the muted hum of the birds around mingles with the rich scent, the air becomes thick with it. Perched on that beloved mid-century modern chair, Hermes seem totally absorbed in his book, as we sit across from each other. Seeing him so relaxed and happy makes me happy all over again.

 I touch his feet with mine while I play languidly with my spoon in my coffee, but he remains oblivious to my presence. Nagdesisyon akong dumaan sa ilalim ng mesa at napagtanto kong hindi niya isinuot ang kaniyang short. Maingat kong hinawakan ang kaniyang itim na brief. Ang kanyang pagwawalang-bahala sa akin ay lalo pang nagpataas ng aking determinasyon, kaya't ipinagpatuloy ko ang pagtanggal ng kaniyang brief, umaasang magkakaroon siya ng reaksiyon.

 When I carefully remove his underwear, I see his reaction clearly. Malinaw na ang aking mga galaw ay nagdulot ng tugon mula sa kaniya. Dahan-dahan kong hinahaplos at sinusuri ang kaniyang pagkalalaki, napapansin ang paglapad ng kaniyang tarugo at ito na lang ang nag-iisang bagay na pumupuno sa aking kamay. My actions are measured and purposeful, each move carefully considered, and I can distinctly feel a shift in his emotions.

 I gently push the chair away from the table, allowing myself a clear view of his entire face as I continue to play his rod. As the minutes pass, the tension in the room builds. His reactions become more intense, his expressions more vivid, and I can sense the mounting pressure. I maintain my focus, carefully managing each move. Finally, the strain reaches its peak, and with a loud moan, he releases his pent-up emotion all over my face, his breath rushing as he reaches the peak of his frustration and excitement.

I then lick everything off my face and give him a satisfying smile. "I love you so much, Love," I say, my voice filled with warmth and affection, letting him know just how much he means to me.

"I love you too, Love," he replied, his voice soft but filled with sincerity.

Nang maglaho ang mainit ng sandali, unti-unting lumuwag ang kapaligiran sa kuwarto. Hindi na kailangan ng salita, nagkakaintindihan kami sa pamamagitan ng isang malambing na sulyap. Naramdaman ko ang init at ginhawa habang dahan-dahan kong hinawakan ang kaniyang kamay.

Inakay ko siya sa isang tahimik na sulok ng kuwarto. "Let's take a moment," sabi ko, na puno ng pagninilay. Dumaan ang ilang sandali na kami ay umupo nang magkatabi, ang aming mga katawan ay magkadikit, at ang pakiramdam ng malalim na kasiyahan ay pinalitan ang naunang tensyon. Ang katahimikan na iyon ay tila nagbigay sa amin ng bagong lakas at kapayapaan.

I put my head on his shoulder and he embraced me as we got comfortable. For a while after that, we just sat quietly, relishing in each other's company. The significance of these simple, shared moments served as a distressing reminder of our immense worth to one another.