A confession to make

Throughout December, the snow only keeps getting heavier. And snow is not the only heavy thing that's here these days. My head is flooded with never ending thoughts and needless worries.

From our very first, not-awkward encounter with Hoshi on the Shibuya crossing (the time when I accidentally almost knocked him down), I already couldn't stop thinking about him.

Then we unexpectedly met in our favourite café, and suddenly we started hanging out.

With him I feel calm, loving and tender. I never sensed pressure or uncertainty around him, even at the most sorrowful moments.

Our every glance feels intense. Like a slow motion. Our hearts pounding, eyes admiring each others' blushing faces. And our every touch is caring. Gentle and so slow, as if the time stopped for us. Sometimes the time even stopped Us, because we were too close to a kiss.

We've come a long way in our relationship and therefore, before I leave him for another two weeks, I want to tell him I love him. Christmas is coming and I'll be with my family. When I'm gone we can let things sit and clear everything afterwards.

With confessions, I rely on impulsive moments and improvisation. When I practice, I only make things awkward and unnatural, I make it hard and complex to express what I want to say. That's why I don't practice, yet I still can't get the thought of my confession out of my mind.

In my head there is a whole scenario playing before I fall asleep. Here, no matter if Hoshi likes me back, the ending is always good. In my imagination, Hoshi accepts the situation and kindly, yet honestly answers with his soft smile. "Nikko, let's remain friends" Although I hope with my whole heart that he likes me too, this neat answer is pretty much calming me down, before I doze off.

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Suddenly it's again dark, 16:56 the next day. Half of the sleepy December season is already behind us and I am standing in front of Hoshi's apartment in my elegant, beige pants. He told me to wear some elegant pants for once. When I asked him why, he said he had an idea of what we might do tonight. I wonder what is going on inside the wise mind of his, but at the same time I can't shut my own thoughts. Should I tell him, or shouldn't I?

I'm nervously playing with my cold fingers in the pockets of my coat, waiting for Hoshi to open the door.

The black door opens with a warm welcoming from my black haired crush. But my darling is wearing cozy, white pants and a same white sweatshirt, when I'm over here in a shirt and my only elegant pants.

"Why did you want me to be elegant when you're in your pajamas?" I inquire, suspiciously looking at him.

"You'll see in a minute! I think you'll like it. And this is not pajamas…" Hoshi jots down.

"What do you sleep in when this isn't pajamas?" I scoff sarcastically. Short silence can be heard between us. The three dots of wondering.

…

"I prefer to sleep naked" He slightly blushes as he sighs out of awkwardness.

"I-" I quickly cover my mouth, my cheeks warming up. It's not like I didn't expect it. I mean, this guy likes to walk barefoot…

I let out a chuckle, and eventually start laughing at how adorably embarrassed he is. And this guy I'm about to confess to. As I again realise what my mission today is, my smile slowly disappears, instead I let a quiet sigh of hopelessness escape my mouth. Hoshi slightly tilts his head, looking at me with confusion from my sudden mood change.

"What was that?" He asks.

"Nothing" I say, and follow Hoshi to the main room.

"Stay here" Hoshi orders, letting me stand in an empty place. He goes to his room and quickly returns with a tall, warm lamp of his. He plugs it in near me, the lamp shining with muted, warm light. He pulls a little, black speaker from his pocket, and goes back to his room. Hoshi comes out in a while, wearing formal, black pants, but a very casual white t-shirt. He's also carrying a bunch of lightweight, white shirts. They're all elegant with different simple or interesting designs. He drops them between us and orders me to sit down. A slow, jazz music starts calmly playing from the speaker, and Hoshi, with a soft smile sits down on the floor too. I can feel my heart beat so much it will fall out of my chest in a while. The cheeks of mine are softly burning. He created a passionate, romantic atmosphere right in front of me. It's hard not to fall in love with the one who treats you with warmth of their heart and tenderness, but I'm not ready to tell him tonight.

"I just wanted to enjoy tonight" Hoshi says with a soft smile full of purity.