Chapter 25. "A new one."

In my early 20s I was pretty adventurous.

I was also quite Inquisitive, thrill-seeking, party-starting, and promiscuous as can be when the time called for it, but above all else: Safe.

I was -and still am- very picky with who I share my body with, as we all should be, you know?

Go have fun, just be careful out there

No matter how old or experienced you are. 

Life is short, but sweet.

Try your best to not have yours become shorter and more sour than not.

Dance.

Drink.

Explore.

Smoke.

Kiss.

Buy.

Touch.

Love.

Risk...

Just...well, If you are going to do something stupid, be smart about it, yeah? 

I won't keep you lol I know what you came her for.

And it's probably a lot more my commentary and a lot less these cringy ass journals lol.

Alas, you ARE here, and I love you for that.

Thank you kindly folks.

You all make my days a lot more enjoyable, and I hope that these entries are an equivalent exchange. 

I kind of feel like I talking to the camera in a TV show lol.

Enjoy. 

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March 26th, 2012.

Journal #025.

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As always it's been a while since I wrote.

But it's as usual -not very much goin on.-

So I ran into XXXXX on Sunday.

She's an amazing woman.

Very down to Earth and fun to talk to. 

I never slept so good as I did on Sunday lol

Hmmm, a Scorpio huh? Now that's a new one. 

We drank the other day with XXXXX -of all people- and XXXXX and the usual gang.

I will cut back on drinking, just as I will -with- smoking. 

It's not good for me.

So I like...

I don't know if this kid is going to be mine, but I will see.

(Young me sketched a scale here, on the left is says "Freedom and Dates." the opposing side says "Baby and Stress.")

I guess it's not all just about those things...there are many MANY more factors...

But we will see, now won't we. 

-----

Yeah, I VIVIDLY remember that Sunday lol even nearly 14 years later. 

This XXXXX is the same "White XXXXX" from Chapter 24 in fact, and I have no Idea why this memory wasn't honestly the first thing that came to my mind when I read that last entry.

In short, I meet her...well, that part is a bit of a spoiler, so I will relent. But I can tell you that from the moment our eyes met, the sexual tension was so palpable and thick that I have no clue how everyone else who was in that room didn't FEEL it emanating from/between us. 

Seriously. 

We both had made it a point to fine some time and a place to link up with each other just as soon as was humanly possible after that point, which turned out to be a handful of years.

She had her own place by then, and that worked much better for the both of us, as I was essentially renting a room at that point in my life. I didn't feel very comfortable where I was living (that "dogged-white" place lol), so there was just no way that I would ever have a lady over.

Anyway, It was a good night.

We talked about a plethora of things, I drank as she had a blunt.

We adjourned, making our way to her bedroom just as our respective buzzes set in. I didn't partake in the good "smokey smoke" back then as I do now, but I am sure that the sex would have been that much more interesting had I been both high and buzzed I assure you.

But before this, I made it a point to make it a point to see to it that her child was both asleep and accounted for.

I have a massive amount of respect for single parents, and I always emphasize the fact that "you are a parent first." you know? I am/was just a guest -and at that moment in time I am sure that I was not much more than a dick appointment in her mind- so I was sure to make sure that I was always secondary.

With all of that being said, I gave her a full-body massage and tended to places where she had complained of pain.

And then we had sex lol.

I won't go into details, this isn't that sort of book. Oh but it was sooooooo good.

At least I thought as much back then lol. 

Looking back now, I had been so deprived of both sex and affection by that point, that I am sure that It probably wasn't really all that amazing, and she was very much of the same state of mind and physicality. Neither of us had gotten any form of ass for a bit, so we were the perfect itch to each others scratch, you know? 

To have sex with her was wild of me to do back then in some ways considering where I met her, and the people that she was tied to.

Remember that 16th street crew or whatnot that I mentioned a few chapters back?

Yeah...she was a part of that circle.

Lort, have merbies. 

I was always one to play with fire.

Fun fact: I dated a young lady in high school with the same name as this one, and she was Black lol Hence the "White" before this ones her name. While "White XXXXX" was only referred to that way in passing or to confirm who was being spoken about, "Black XXXXX" was (and still is to this day) very proud of the "Black" prefix for some reason, and even calls and introduces herself as such. 

-That Scorpio was my friend who had told me that she loved me while drunk lol. I am pretty into Astrology folks. While I don't believe that the stars dictate who we are, I do believe that Astrological signs are a good blueprint when It comes to the basics of peoples personality. They tend to be pretty accurate, even loosely -IYKYK- and that is really enough to plant at least an ORANGE flag, dammit! 

And I should have.

I had no Idea at that time, that I would even up giving a significant portion of myself and my life to that particular Scorpio. 

Read on folks, you'll see. 

-The second XXXXX was the young lady from chapter one. The one who my Godbrother had (maybe) gotten pregnant. While we are here, the third XXXXX was my Godbrother lol. 

I have no recollection of drinking or hanging out with him and her and that Scorpio all at the same time in one location, but I did write this entry so It mush have really happened.

-I did cut back drinking, and I only have a beer or a glass of wine every now and then.

I did stop smoking cigarettes just earlier this year lmao only -nearly- 14 years later!

-As for the scales? Well, it was just as it sounds. The "stress" part was centered around the fact that I didn't care to have a child with the person that I was due to have it with, and nothing at all to do with the baby itself. I was more than happy that I would be a parent soon, I just never wanted it to an an "accident" with someone what I could not see a future with. 

I had it in my mind that I HAD to be with her for the good of our child because I grew up without a father, and I would and could never let my child grow up without not only me, but both parent. Yeah, I was young and a bit immature still.

I was very much of that old-school mindset that would have you STAY with the opposing parent no matter what, and make it work.

I have grown to see and learn better.

I think that the scale I drew back then also reflects my fear of not knowing if that could would be mine or not as well. I was just waiting for my life to tilt in one direction or the other, and praying that I could find balance afterword regardless of the outcome. 

I suppose a few dozen more journal entries will tell us how that all went huh? 

See you soon folks. 

-Redd.