Chapter 27. "It kills me..."

This second volume of O.J.M. has been a lot heavier on me than the first, you know?

I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that some of these people are still quite prominent parts of my life.

I am seeing that there are old scars and traumas that I just never addressed even to this day...

Things and events that had such profound effects on my life and the choices that I made and even continue to make today. 

It is all quite jarring for me, as I tend to...hide away my more pressing emotions and such to deal with when I see fit, or when I have time. 

Then I simply don't make the time.

I can see that I have always done this...and that it is about time that I change that habit, you know?

Sometimes you do need to look back in order to gain the ability to move forward.

As much as some of us like the sound of our own voice, we don't listen to ourselves enough.

I am glad that I didn't burn a few of these old books of mine.

I am glad that I have this opportunity to look back and learn more about myself.

I am most glad that you all are here to kinda go through it with me lbvs.

Thank you kindly.

If you would like to further support me along this journey, feel free to:

buymeacoffee.com/TeranceIvy

No pressure at all folks.

We live in hard times, you know? I understand.

We are all only human.

I will leave you all to it.

Enjoy. 

-----

April 8th, 2012. 

Journal #027.

-----

So...lol.

It's been a while, but that's pretty normal lol. 

I've been loving life as of late. Great friends and family keep me happy and sane in these hard times.

I have Resident Evil: Operation Racoon City. It's pretty cool.

I LOVE my new DSI XL! It makes me very happy lol.

Enigma. She is a really cool girl. We have a great time together, and we have a lot in common, but her name...it kills me...

Work is going very well.

I love my job!

School needs some work in school...

I don't have much to say.

I've had very strange dreams of late.

Death and mass destruction...

Are these dreams signs?...

-----

-I don't recall what my relationship with my family was like back in those days, but It isn't the best as I write this.

A lot has happened and changed, you know?

Time changes people.

Experiences change people.

Money...money can change people. That is a story for another time.

-Resident Evil: Operation Racoon City...

Hot take? I loved it lol. I mean, I am (and have always been) more of an R.P.G and Open-world game kinda guy. I didn't play much if any of the original Resident Evil games, as I was pretty young when those started to blow up, and the zombie genre never really appealed to me. 

I also grew up in poverty, so let's just say, we didn't have "access" to a PlayStation lol.

I remember visiting a couple of cousins who had a Dreamcast!

While I enjoyed it in my youthful ignorance, had I told any of my friends at school that THAT was what we had to game on, I would have been bullied and laughed out of the damn school.

We had games like "Echo the Dolphin." "Egg." and "Fighting Force 2!"

While everyone else shot zombies and fought in Mortal Kombat tournaments lol.

Lort, have merbies...

I was already awkward enough as a kid. That would have had me finding the nearest bridge, I kid you not.

-The DSI XL was such an amazing piece of technology. My stepfather had bought his blood children (three of my siblings share the same father )these for Christmas the year that they had come out, and one of them simply had no interest in it, so I offered to pay her for it. My stepdad just gave it to me instead as a Birthday gift, as mine was but six days away.

I was forever grateful.

Rest his soul.

The racist bastard lbvs...

He was...

Look, I know that that is a heavy word, but it is exactly what it sounds like.

It is also a story for another time.

My word.

-Enigma? She was one of the three ladies who attended that party that my Godbrother had invited me to but a chapter or so back. She was in fact, the one who I was having sex with that night once things had progressed to that level lol. 

Man...I had so much love for that girl, you know? I was just far too scared and still not over my ex from that past summer. In hindsight, I shouldn't have jumped into that relationship for not only that reason but also because I was never the type to build or base the start of a relationship on sex.

I was actually very against this, and still am.

I hadn't been looking for anything but fun that night, you know?

I just am very quixotic, and I used to fall so easily that it's not funny.

Shit, you will see soon enough.

Lbvs.

-I worked for the Boy's and Girl's Club whenever I wasn't in class on the weekdays.

I loved it.

More than nearly any job I've had since that point truly.

That too, is a story for another time, as even that chapter of my life got a bit more complicated than it had to be at one point. Odds are, it is written about somewhere in this book.

-School wad blah. It was so ridiculously generic... 

The uniform scrubs, the Instructors, the books, the building itself...

Man oh man.

I will wait a few more entries to see what Young me had to say about all of that before I jump the gun lol.

-I can't recall any of the dreams that I had around that time, and I would be lying to pretend that I did.

Hell, it's been well over 10 years.

But I do recall that stretch of time when my dreams would bother the hell out of me. I think that I was just so tired and hurt and sad and heavy.

There was so much going on around me, and I was just trying to stay above water for the most part.

School.

The impending birth of my first child.

Work.

Trying to juggle women and friends.

Doesn't sound too far from the average 22-year-old, right?

Right? 

I will see you all soon, yeah?

Once again, if you so feel the need: buymeacoffee.com/TeranceIvy

Even if you don't or can't, I will still see you back here soon enough folks.

-Redd.