Chapter 37. "Not in the least"

The fuckin' weekend is here! 

At least it is here where I am lol.

Wisconsin.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Nothing exciting at all lol. 

Well...kinda.

We do have a pretty spiffy downtown ares.

I suppose I may be the only one here that says "spiffy

 though...

Anyone else who DOES say it probably only pops out at the local Comic or Anime convention, right next to me mind you lol.

This has been quite the week, quite the month even.

I hope that all of you have been well!

I won't keep you here in the intro much longer lol.

Enjoy!

-----

May 15th, 2012. 

Journal #037.

-----

Last night was amazing.

I got to sleep next to XXXXX. 

No small thing. 

Forbidden fruit!

She is taken, and I respect her loyalty to her boyfriend but...

I want to be with her so bad.

Selfish?

She is an amazing woman with such a beautiful heart and soul...

It's indescribable...

I truly do love her, and my heart calls for her, and I can't help it.

I can't turn it off. 

She has changed my outlook on life, and that is something that is not bound to change any time soon. 

She is an -redacted- 

Jacob: Me.

Bella: Her.

Edward: Him.

I suppose only time will tell what will happen between us.

But she is a woman.

A beautiful, vibrant, amazing woman who deserves the best.

And I want to be the one to give it to her.

I don't know him, not in the least...

But I know her, and she deserves better.

Yet who am I to say what or who that better is?

XXXXX likes her a lot.

XXXXX likes her.

XXXXX.

She's a perfect fit for me, and I think she feels it too, but her unwavering loyalty will hold her to him till something falls them apart.

That won't be me, but I swear I will be there to catch her.

I swear.

Only XXXXX can comprehind what I feel for her, and it's not a simple infatuation.

Not at all.

ACT.

ACT.

ACT.

-----

-I remember this night. Vividly even.

She who watched our wild, sexual romp several chapters back lol.

I will refer to her as Laxe from now on for the sake of all of our sanity, yeah?

I didn't sleep very much that night at all, but that is my fault in full.

I was/am a very...vigilant person.

I am hella protective, and I find it hard to wind down if I sense that someone close to me is uncomfortable or vulnerable in any way.

She was sleeping in a new environment, going through some things of her own, and radiating an aura of anxiety.

That last one was just a quirk of hers lbvs.

But none of the other things were helping.

I found myself laying beside her nearly wide awake for a good part of the night, wishing and hoping that she would stir in her sleep and roll over to throw an arm over me.

I didn't even want her sexualy.

That wasn't my goal or even a thought with her. 

I was in love with her very existence for some reason, and for some other reason or reasons, I couldn't help myself.

I had always been prone to loving deeply and unconditionally, a fact that has often left me rather emotionally vulnerable If I can be perfectly honest...

I was rather prone to being used and exploited in love.

I was rathe used to unrequited love in general, or maybe just shards of it being thrown my way from time to time. 

As I am sure many of you kind people have unfortunately experienced. 

It was selfish and stupid of me to let myself fall so hard for her, and that was just the start.

As bad as I wanted to be with her, I was doing my best to be respectful of the fact that she had a boyfriend. I had always been a kharma fearing man, you know?

And what kind of start would that have been for us had something actually bloomed?

I would have felt terrible to have had pulled her away from someone else. 

It also would have been an ill-omen upon our budding relationship, and I simply couldn't have that. 

I also knew first-hand the pain that comes with being left by someone for someone else...

I would wish that on no one, let alone seek to inflict such pains myself. 

-She had done a Tarot reading for me that night -after all of us were done humping and pumping- I wish that I could remember what she had said.

She had also traced the lines in my palms and read them aloud for me as we sat cross-legged and half naked on the cold wooden floor next to the disheveled bed. 

I can't remember any of that part either sadly. 

I do remember trying not to stare into her eyes. 

-I mentioned that I "could't turn it off." meaning my heart, when in fact -and rather freakishly- I can.

I have the ability to simply stop caring for someone fully and truly within the span of a few days max.

I know that this sounds rather cold, but it is not.

It is rather human, and can be quite useful in avoiding unnecessary pain.

I've come to find that It can be rather easy to turn my heart off...I just struggle it get it back going to full capacity once that happens.

That is the worse part. 

-Yeah...yeah, I know!

I really made a fucking TWILIGHT reference!

If that ain't the cringiest shit every, I have no idea what is.

If you know, you know.

Especially given the fact that Jacob didn't even end up with the girl! 

-"Only time will tell" is the truth!

I won't spoil it for you all lol

See you soon folks, and as always, safe travels!

Stay safe.

 Stay healthy.

 Stay vigilant. 

-Redd.