The few days felt like a fever dream for Jan. His mind was a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, desire, fear, excitement and the gnawing anxiety of the consequences waiting to strike. Every time he closed his eyes, he could feel Ren's hands on his skin, the warmth of their shared moments, but just as quickly, the looming shadow of reality crashed down.
He couldn't ignore the risks. They were growing, suffocating him from both sides.
What would happen if someone found out? What would his grandmother say? And Ren, what if his family discovered the truth about him? The pressure was mounting, and Jan couldn't shake the feeling that everything was about to explode.
The tension between them was palpable, even in the small things. Jan avoided Ren on campus, darting around corners and sticking to his routine as if hiding would fix anything. But despite his efforts, he found himself checking his phone, waiting for Ren's messages, those late night texts that kept pulling him back into the fire.
Late one evening, just as Jan had decided to drown himself in textbooks to keep his mind busy, his phone buzzed on his desk.
Ren: ''I need to see you. Meet me at the rooftop now.''
Jan heart skipped. The rooftop of the old science building was their secret meeting place, a quiet, hidden place where no one else ventured. But why now? It was late, and Jan could already feel the anxiety curling in his gut, warning him to be careful.
Still, without thinking, he grabbed his jacket and headed out.
When Jan arrived at the rooftop, the night air was crisp, carrying a soft breeze that tugged at his clothes. Ren was standing at the edge, staring out over the city lights, his silhouette sharp against the dark sky.
Jan swallowed hard, his pulse quickening. There was something different about Ren tonight, something dark and restless.
''You are avoiding me,'' Ren said, his voice low but cutting. He didn't turn to face Jan but the tension in his shoulders was obvious.
Jan stayed silent for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. ''I'm not,'' he finally replied though the words felt like a lie even to him. ''I'm just… trying to figure things out.''
Ren turned then, his eyes locking onto Jan, and the intensity in his gaze sent a shiver down his spine. ''Figure what out?'' Ren asked stepping closer, his voice sharp. ''That kiss, those moments between us, are you going to pretend they didn't happen?''
Jan felt his breath catch, the memory of that kiss flooding back, the heat of it, the way it made him feel like he was drowning and flying all at once. But that's exactly why it terrified him.
''I'm not pretending,'' Jan said softly, feeling his heart hammering in his chest. ''But we both know this is dangerous, Ren. We both have too much to lose.''
Ren's expression, darkened frustrations flashing across his face. ''And what if I don't care about that anymore? What if I don't care about what people expect from me or what my family wants?''
Jan blinked startled by the intensity of Ren's words. But the fire in Ren's eyes wasn't just anger, it was something deeper, something desperate. Ren was unveiling before him, and it scared Jan how much he wanted to reach out and pull hi close to soothe that fire.
''Ren,'' Jan started, his voice steady but his emotions anything but steady, ''this isn't just about you. It's about both of us. What happens when people find out? Your family…''
''I don't care about my family right now,'' Ren snapped, cutting Jan off. His voice was rough, raw. ''I care about you, Jan. You… you are the only thing that feels real in my life.''
Jan's heart thudded painfully in his chest. He wasn't prepared for this, this level of vulnerability from Ren. It was like the barriers Ren had been holding up for so long were crumbling, and now everything was spilling out, raw and unfiltered.
For a moment, Jan stood frozen The weight of Ren's word sinking in. Ren was giving him everything, exposing his fears and desires, and Jan felt his walls cracking under the pressure. But he couldn't… he couldn't let himself fall any deeper, even though every part of him wanted to.
''Ren I…,'' Jan started but before he could finish, Ren closed the distance between them, his hands gripping Jan's wrist, pulling him closer.
The intensity between them was electric, the air thick with unspoken words, with a need that has been building for weeks. Jan's mind screamed at him to back away, to push Ren off, but his body wouldn't listen. His heart was pounding in his ears, his breath shallow as Ren's face hovered inches from his.
''Tell me you don't want this,'' Ren whispered, his voice low dangerous. ''Tell me you don't feel the same.''
Jan's throat tightened, the words stuck in his chest. He wanted to say it, wanted to end this before they both crushed and burned. But he couldn't. The truth was, he did want this. He wanted Ren, wanted him more than he has ever wanted anything in his life.
''I…''Jan's voice faltered, his resolve breaking. ''I can't.''
Ren's eyes flickered, something dark and fierce flashing in them. He leaned in, his breath hot against Jan's skin as his lips brushed against Jan's neck, sending a shockwave through him. Jan's entire body tensed, the heat between them unbearable now, every inch of him screaming for more.
But quickly, Ren pulled back, his expression hardening. ''You're afraid,'' Ren said softly his voice barely a whisper. ''You're so afraid of what could happen, you're willing to throw this away.''
Jan felt his chest tighten. Ren was right. He was afraid, terrified, actually. But it wasn't just fear of what others would think. It was fear of what being with Ren meant, of how it would force him to face parts of himself he had kept hidden for so long.
''I don't know how to do this Ren,'' Jan admitted, shaking. ''I don't know how to be… like this.''
Ren's expression softened, and for the first time, there was no anger or frustration in his gaze, just understanding. ''Neither do I,'' Ren whispered, his hand still gripping Jan's wrist but gentler now. ''But I want to figure it out. With you.''
Jan felt his heart break open at Ren's words a flood of emotions crashing through him. He wanted to believe Ren, wanted to believe that they could figure this out together, that it wouldn't all come crumbling down. But the anxiety gnawed at him, the fear of losing everything.
''Ren, this could destroy us,'' Jan whispered, his voice barely audible.
''Ren's grip on Jan's wrist tightened, his gaze fierce. ''Then let it destroy us,'' he said his voice sharp with determination. ''Because I'm done living in fear.''
Before Jan could respond, Ren pulled him into a kiss, a kiss that was raw, desperate, filled with all the tension and emotions they had been holding back. It wasn't gentle or soft; it was frantic, as if they were both trying to hold onto something slipping through their fingers.
Jan's body responded instantly, his hands gripping Ren's jacket as he kissed him back with equal fervor. The world around them seemed to disappear, the only thing that mattered was the heat between, the connection that was impossible to deny.
But as the kiss deepened, the anxiety that had been gnawing at Jan exploded into full-panic. He pulled away suddenly, his breath coming in sharp gasps, his chest heaving with the intensity of it all.
''I… I can't,'' Jan stammered, stepping back, his heart racing. ''This is too much, Ren. I can't do this.''
Ren's expression fell, his eyes wide with confusion and hurt. ''Jan…''
But Jan couldn't stay. He couldn't handle the intensity, the fear, the weight of what was happening between them. Without another word he turned and fled, the sound of his own footsteps echoing in his ears as he ran down the stairs and out into the night.
Jan didn't stop running until he was far from the rooftop, far from Ren. His chest burned, his legs aching, but it was nothing compared to the storm raging inside him.
He wanted Ren. He wanted him so badly it hurt. But the fear, the anxiety, it was too much. How could they ever make this work? How could they possibly survive the fallout?
As Jan slowed to a walk, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He didn't need to look to know who it was. Ren.
But this time, Jan didn't answer.