2.17

Her heart beats like crazy as she pushes her face away and looks into his eyes for a long moment. She is sure she sees in them surprise, disbelief, and — surprisingly! — confusion. Joseph doesn't push her away, but his expression shows that he's not happy with what she just did.

She makes everything difficult for him.

The boy can't let anything grow between them. It may be too late, since he himself is suffering through it, but he can't imagine that they could be together. He is terrified by the thought that with his selfish behavior, he could hurt her and lead to a similar situation as with his parents.

It can't be Hannah, even though he wants her so much.

— I felt as if I had been kissed by my mother. — His words are rude, but that's what he means. This is how he wants to spurn Hannah so that she will give up on him, even if she doesn't speak to him for the whole trip.

The girl gets the impression that all the butterflies are flying out of her stomach. She feels like collapsing underground and never coming to the surface again.

Hannah took a chance, and he spurned her again.

She feels tears gathering under her eyelids, so she hurriedly gets up, and comes out clumsily on the ice. Fortunately, she is helped by Bella, who sees the entire situation.

— What did he say to you? — She asks in a whisper, noticing how sad her friend's eyes are.

— Never mind. I made a mistake.

Hannah heads toward the exit of the rink. She feels her friends' gazes on her, and most of all his. She would rather not be here any longer. She longs to hole up in her room and not leave it until the end of the trip.

The girl pulls off her skates and carelessly throws them on the ground, then runs straight to the hotel. Bella can't let her friend suffer again, so with the influx of anger she gains such courage that for the first time she decides to yell at the boy, who so far seemed terrible to her.

— Are you happy with yourself! — Tom opens his eyes wide, surprised by his girlfriend's combative attitude. — Are you bursting with happiness that you have once again hurt her? You constantly do it! First you show how much you care, and a moment later you spurn her! What's wrong with you! Decide finally what you want from her!

Joseph pokes a dark look at her as he stops right next to her.

— Don't interfere, oxygenated.

— She's my friend!

— But none of your business. — He shuts her mouth, and then Tom points his finger at him.

— Don't talk to her like that. Bella is right. You keep hurting, Hannah. She's our friend, and we can't look at it anymore.

The boy smiles arrogantly.

— Get away from me. Everyone — he emphasizes each word clearly.

*

Hannah is heartbroken. She feels like collapsing to the ground from shame. Now she regrets that she first dared to kiss him. If she could turn back time, she certainly wouldn't have done it, even if her heart told her so.

She is sure that by the end of the trip she won't show her eyes to the boy, even in the dormitory she will avoid him like a fire.

She wants nothing to do with him anymore.

Hannah is wiping tears from her cheeks when she hears Jin enter the room. He saw the whole show, so he would rather not show him that he's suffering now because of his stupidity.

It's just that... She fell in love with the wrong boy.

— Regret that you returned to the hotel so soon because you didn't see Bella jump on Joseph.

Hannah seems horrified by the news.

— Joseph hates it when someone yells at him.

— That's why he shut your roommate's mouth. Despite everything, she stood up for you.

The girl can imagine it.

— I'm beginning to regret that it was him that I fell in love with — she whispers quietly. — I shouldn't, even if he was the only guy on the entire planet.

— It's comforting that you chose him and not me — he replies with a laugh in his voice as he sits down next to the girl. — Joseph at least is honest. He doesn't hide anything from you. I lie to you, still considering myself your friend.

The nineteen-year-old lowers her shoulders and sighs.

— I wish that my love for him was only an illusion created by illness. I think it would be easier for me.

— So how then will you accept the truth related to your sister? Do you think I should hit you harder since you're already in a nasty mood?

Hannah looks into his eyes, looking confused.

— You must prepare yourself for the fact that in anger I might beat you up. — Her warning is a joke, but Jin recognizes that there is a particle of truth in it after all. — If you drive me to a worse state, you'll also flop for your friend.

The boy swallows his saliva harder.

— Nevertheless, I will do it. I can no longer lie to you. I suffer enough because our relationship does not look the same as it did in high school. — Hannah sits down in a Turkish position to better see his face as the boy begins to open up to her. — I lie to you all the time because I knew who you were from the beginning. I wanted to approach you, to find out how much you remember from that day. I realized that you had actually erased it from your memory. I was messing with your head, wanting you to believe at all costs that Danielle was dead. Sorry.

The boy nervously plays with his hands when he sees Hannah's eyebrows crinkle.

— Why?

— Because your sister wanted it. She didn't trust you after you jumped on her the day of the accident. She concluded that you could turn her in, and it would be better if you didn't know the truth.

— What exactly happened that day that made me want to forget everything?

— That day you met me. We met for the first time then. — Hannah strenuously tries to remember something, but is still unable to. — Don't you remember? You came with Danielle to New York.... she dragged you into her plan. In an escape plan.

Hannah's mind goes blank.

— I don't know. I don't remember that.

— I only found out about her troubles and what she was planning in June. She needed me, that's why she told me everything. She confessed that it wasn't because of her parents that she put me off all the time, but because she was in trouble. She would rather not get me involved, but eventually, she realized that I was the only one who could help her. — The 19-year-old is still confused, so she is waiting for a more detailed explanation. — I promised her that I would do everything to make sure her parents never found out about it.

— What did she get herself into that she had to run away?

— Danielle couldn't sit still. Many times I got the silly impression that she had the devil on her back. She was pulling a lot of trouble on herself. In the end, she ended up messing with the wrong people.

— She was sixteen at the time. I at that age only dreamed of getting into Horace Mann...

— You are entirely different, Hannah. You are as different as fire and water.

— Are we different?

— Yes, you are different because she is alive and well.

The nineteen-year-old feels as if someone slapped her in the face. She is unable to get a word out. She just stares at the boy accompanying her, waiting for him to say it's just a joke.

— How is she alive and well? — Another moment and she will run out of air from all this. — Who then died in the car instead of her?

Jin closes her eyelids.

— This is what is most painful. In a dishonest way, I wanted to protect you from this because you are involved. — Her heart rises to her throat. So what? She is implicated in someone's death? — I think that's what made you want to forget that day. You couldn't live with the thought that you had planned a murderous plan.

The brunette's face pales as a certain image in her mind comes along with excruciating pain. In snatches of memories, she sees herself in the back seat next to Danielle. Jin sits behind the wheel and watches a truck deliberately plow into a passenger car at an intersection. The sight is shocking enough to make her feel sick from it all.

— Hannah, are you okay? — The boy puts his hand on her shoulder, seeing that the girl does not look well.

She is getting weak.

The girl gets off the bed and runs to the door with difficulty. She feels sick to her stomach. She has the feeling that she will lose consciousness shortly, so she has to find her way outside at all costs. The interior of the hotel is suffocating for her. She needs space and, above all, frosty air.

— Hannah! — She hears Jin's voice as she clumsily runs down the stairs. — What are you doing? Stop, do you hear!

She is sure he is right behind her to catch her. She can't let that happen until she runs outside. The closed room makes her feel like she's in a car again. She experiences everything all over again.

The girl is suffocating. She requires air.

She's at the exit door when Jin grabs her hand. Breathing hard, she looks at him with broken eyes.

— Let me go. I need to breathe. I beg.

He sees how broken she is, so he lets her go. He doesn't want her to hate him even more. It's not him she needs, so she takes her phone out of her pants pocket and dials Joseph. Although Hannah is angry with him, he is the only person who can help her feel better.

— Grab your jacket and go downstairs immediately. Something disturbing is going on with Hannah. She doesn't look well and has just run out of the hotel.

Literally, not a minute passes and the boy runs through the lobby, heading straight for the exit.

— What happened?

— She was depressed enough by you, and I unnecessarily hit her. Help her because I'm afraid she might lose consciousness. She looked like she was about to faint.

Joseph goes outside and that's when his attention is caught by a person running through the clearing, heading for the forest.

— I swear I'll kill her one day for her antics — he mutters under his breath, then heads in the same direction as her to catch up with her and bring her back to the hotel.

*

Her knees buckle under her, and she falls under one of the trees. Sitting on the ground, she stares at the snow with dim eyes and begins to cry from helplessness.

She regrets that she wanted so much to know the truth. However, she didn't think it would turn out to be shocking enough to bring her to such a state.... As if that weren't enough, she learned that her sister was alive. Hannah had thought all along that she had witnessed her death and had even become ill because of it, yet the truth turned out to be quite different.

It was she, as well as her sister and Jin, who had contributed to the death of some girl.

Was this the main reason for her mental disorder?

Or could there be something much worse?

— I'm sick of your behavior, mental girl. Has it fallen on your head again? — She lifts her face and painfully looks at the boy who also hurt her earlier. He is the last person she wants to see right now. She would already rather have Jin be the one to find her. — Do you want to turn this trip into a nightmare? Because of people like you, relaxing in the mountains usually turns into a horror movie.

He grabs her by the shoulders and forcibly lifts her off the ground. He punishes her with his eyes when he sees that she is dressed only in a sweater and fabric pants, and, what's more, she is not wearing shoes, but only thick woolen socks.

— Do you purposely want to spoil this trip? Is this some whim of yours?

— Don't touch me if I remind you of your mother — she says in a frigid voice, avoiding his gaze. — Why did you come here? I want to be alone.

— Yeah, to freeze to death or be eaten by a polar bear sooner.

Hannah is trembling. She is cold and stills not feeling well.

— I'd rather die here than go back to the hotel with you. I can't make it — she whispers. — I would rather not see people. I need isolation. I require punishment for what I did in the past.

— You sound like you require psychotropic drugs again.

The boy takes off his jacket and puts it over Hannah's shoulders. She points with her finger to a wooden cottage that is available for hotel guests.

— This place will be perfect for me to find peace.

— It will be, if you have the key with you. — Joseph shakes his head. — Jimmy will arrange it. Hold on a minute — he says as he pulls his phone out of his pants pocket. — I won't take you to the hotel tonight, so you don't freak out completely. I'm having more and more trouble with you anyway. I guess it's a punishment from God that he gave me you in exchange for my mother.

*

Hannah insists that Joseph leave her alone, but he doesn't even want to hear about it. Not only does the girl feel uncomfortable in his company after being rejected by him, but moreover, her head is boggled by thoughts of what she heard from Jin. She still can't grasp how it was possible that she was capable of participating in a plan that killed an innocent girl.

Sitting under the quilt, she wipes the tears from her cheeks and watches the boy adding wood to the fire burning in the fireplace. Hannah slowly recovers, though she is still shivering from the cold. For a brief moment, she froze so badly that her body cannot regain its normal temperature.

— I apologize for the way I treated you at the ice rink. You surprised me, and you know very well what I think of our relationship — the boy speaks up when the hut is silent and the only sound so far is the shooting fire. — I would rather not hurt you, and yet I burned a fool.

— Why are you trying so hard to push me away from you? Is it really because of your mother? If so, why do you still give me hope?

He turns to face her and looks at her with sadness in his eyes for a long moment.

— Because there are moments when I lose control and can't free myself from the thought of you. — Hannah watches him carefully as he walks over to her. She sits down next to me and covers herself with the other half of the quilt. — The more I try to fight it, the worse it gets.

— So why do you continue to push me away? Why did you treat me so rudely at the ice rink?

— I was scared. I didn't think you would dare to take the first step. All along, I tried to be strong and thought that if I did not crack, we would somehow remain friends. But you ruined everything today and led me to start doubting whether I was actually doing the right thing, hurting you and myself in the process.

Joseph is sincere. He has recently become more open and tells Hannah about everything that bothers him. He does not hide his true feelings from her.

— I understand that you are afraid because of your parents' past, but you were in several relationships and yet, you were able to love these girls. You weren't afraid of hurting them.

— Except for Halsey, I didn't love any of them. — Joseph looks confused. — Anyway, the relationship with Halsey was different, as I look at our relationship now. It was more puppy love, that's why friendship with her doesn't cause me any difficulty. It's different with you. It's something bigger, more serious, and that's why it bothers me so much.

Hannah feels like an avalanche of boiling water is flooding her heart. Her body temperature rises and she stops shivering from the cold.

— So I should be happy that you don't want to be with me because among these girls, I am the most important one for you?

— You are my rose, even though you have the most thorns. — His face is too close. These words make Hannah feel like doing the same thing she did at the ice rink, even though she regretted the decision earlier. It's hard for her to restrain herself when she sits under a quilt with the boy she loves.

— So how much longer are you going to torture yourself while hurting me in the process?

— Right now I'm going to put an end to it — he says in a strangely hoarse voice, putting a hungry look on her lips.

Unexpectedly, he captures her face and places a kiss on her lips, which is not just an innocent kiss. Joseph kisses her much more boldly, with a heat that surprises them both. She responds with the same passion, although he clearly feels that she lacks skill. Absurdly, this excites him even more.

When he pulls away, Hannah looks at him with wide-open eyes. She is excited, so he takes advantage of this and touches her slender neck with his lips.

— Let me, at least for a moment, forget everything that torments me — the girl whispers, looking into his eyes.

He leans in and his face is so close that Hannah gets the impression that in a moment he will kiss her again.

The shooting fire in the fireplace is the only sound, apart from their accelerated breaths. They are separated by mere centimeters, and the whole world stops in that one wonderful moment. He doesn't take his eyes off her and kisses her hand. He looks at her from under his lowered head, and his gaze is full of dark, hidden desires.

Hannah watches him fascinated, unable to react in any way.

There is some intimacy in this. She has never experienced anything like it before; such closeness to a man she has loved for a long time.

She can't help herself.

The girl clings tightly to Joseph's body, wrapping them both in the quilt. She feels his hands on her; she begins to feel hot and pleasant. Excitement grows in her, each time his breath sweeps over her neck.

He puts his hands on her hips and slowly heads higher and higher. Pleasant shivers run along her spine. She sits on his lap, and then he begins to kiss her deeply and greedily.

The two of them are stuck in this passionate embrace until, in one firm motion, Joseph snatches her up, then gently lays her on the soft mattress of the bed.

The boy lies on top of her and they both look into each other's eyes. Hannah nods, letting him know that she wants to forget, at least for a moment, everything that makes her anxious. She longs to focus solely on him.

Joseph brushes a strand of hair away from her face, looking at her with affection in his eyes.

In one moment, the world stops for them. The two of them are in a small cabin surrounded by mountains. Outside it begins to snow, and the pleasant fire from the fireplace fills the interior with romance, completely giving vent to their desires.