It's been two days since the totally lame party, and I'm already back at the cafeteria for lunch.
The place is packed, and everyone is yacking it up about their day. It's chaos, but I'm used to it.
People gather in small groups, their friend circles or cliques formed after months of college.
Except for one loner, Alex.
He's sitting at the far end of the hall in a corner table, trying to remain hidden and unnoticed.
He used to hang out with me during my first few years of high school. Those two years were the best in my life.
Nowadays after his parents divorce he has secluded himself from others and always appears stressed and also has some of the worst grades, even worse than mine.
I glance at Schneizel and the others, they are laughing about something. I am sitting beside them but, as usual I have no clue what's going on.
After Schneizel ate his lunch, he got up and went over to the vending machine. He wanted to get some cola.
Schneizel bumped into someone while walking over to the vending machine.
Its Alex.
"I am.... uhh.. So Sorry"
Alex mumbled in fear.
"You damn brat, the fuck's wrong with you?"
Schneizel is most definitely pissed off.
The others sense what's gonna happen and join Schneizel.
"Oh look, the thing has enough guts to bump into Schneizel"
One guy from the group is trying to provoke Schneizel even more.
"Watch this guys, its gonna be fun."
Schneizel's tone was menacing and mocking.
My heart sank. I knew what was coming.
Alex was pale and was looking down the entire time. I could see it in his eyes.
The fear.
The fear of being hunted, The fear of being preyed upon.
Schneizel knocks down the food tray from Alex's hand.
"Oh, look dumbass, you've made a mess" Schneizel said.
"I.... I uhh... am sorry.. sorry"
Alex stuttered in fear.
"Oh, you're sorry? Aww isn't that pathetic guys?"
They all laugh at Alex.
Schneizel grabs his hair and kicks him in the stomach with his knee.
"You hold your head quite high for a sore looser."
Alex is shaking, he is also in pain from the kick.
Alex is on his knees, surrounding people laugh at him.
"Now clean the mess, you've made dumbass" Schneizel orders him.
I cant take it anymore, this is too much.
"Hey, leave him alone."
Those words came out of my mouth even before I realized. Those words sound weak even to me.
Schneizel turns to me surprised, then amused.
"Oh, look, Sven's tryna play hero. How Cute."
the others laugh. I can feel my stomach turning.
But Alex's eyes- he's looking at me.
There is a flicker of hope looking at me through the fear.
He's counting on me.
"You... umm dont have to do this Schneizel, he has already apologized."
I barely speak above a whisper.
"Just leave him alone."
Schneizel rises an eyebrow and smirks and steps towards me.
"What are you gonna do about it Sven? Are you gonna stop me?"
I am totally frozen with fear. I can't speak or move. My heart is pounding like a drum, and my hands are shaking. I want to do something, anything, to protect Alex, but I just can't move.
"That's what I thought." Schneizel says smirking.
He turns back to Alex and kicks him like he's some kinda toy.
I stand there frozen, feeling like I've failed.
No. I have failed.
Alex looked at me like I was his last hope. But I couldn't do anything.
That glimmer of hope he had, its gone now.
I could see it fade the moment I back down.
Schneizel proceeds toy with him. I couldn't even stay there anymore.
I walk out of the cafeteria.
I couldn't bear witness to the horrors anymore.
After college ended for the day, I asked around about what happened after I've left.
It seems a haunting scene had took place.
Schneizel made Alex lick up the spilt food and humiliated him.
Then he forcibly got a hold of his mobile phone and threw it off in the trash can.
And then he told Alex to go and get it from the trash can.
I cannot sleep at all tonight. I cannot stop thinking about what happened.
About what I didn't do. My mind is a storm of thoughts.
Why do people like Schneizel bully others?
Why do they enjoy it?
What made someone innocent like Alex, a target?
What makes someone too weak like me to stand up for him?
I look back to my own past. To those days back in elementary school.
When I was in Alex's place.
Back when I was the weird kid with misaligned teeth, always too hyper, too eccentric.
No one wanted to be my friend back then. I was the one who everyone avoided. I was the one who was bullied.
Maybe that's why I couldn't do anything today. Because deep down, I am still that kid.
Still scared, still isolated. Even though I fixed my teeth, changed my style and tried to become different.... I could never escape.
I could never escape the feeling of being.... alone.
Bullying isn't just about what they do. Its about the the fear they create, the isolation. They way it makes you feel, like you dont belong anywhere. Like your invisible, like your small.
That's what happened to me, now Alex.
I want to do something. I want to help him. I want to stop it from happening. But I cant. I am not strong enough
I much as I hate to admit it.
I dont think I ever will be.
I can still see it, the images of today playing back and back in my mind.
I hate myself for not doing anything.
I stare at the ceiling, my mind spiraling, deeper and deeper.
What's the point of any of this?
What's the point of trying if I cant even stand up for someone like Alex. I cant even protect one person. What good am I?
I turn over, burying my face in the pillow, trying to drown out the thoughts but they keep coming.
The doubts, the fears, the questions. They wont stop.
Eventually I drift off, But I can still see it.
The last flicker of hope in Alex's eyes and the moment I killed it.