Chapter 9: Declaring war on Tsunade

As Naruto's wails filled the room, Jiraiya groaned, rubbing his ears.

"For the love of—why is he like this?!"

Tsunade, still swaying slightly from her drunken state, squinted at Naruto, then at Kushina.

"Oi… what's wrong with him?"

Kushina, looking mildly exasperated but deeply fond, sighed. "He's just… like this with men. I don't know why, but he only likes being around women."

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, then looked back at the little blonde baby, whose tiny fists were clutching the air, reaching toward her.

She slowly lowered herself, her expression softening. "…Is that so?"

Inside Naruto's mind, Aurora's bored voice echoed.

[Nice. Another victim.]

Naruto internally rolled his eyes. "Tch, you're not letting me enjoy this, are you?"

[Enjoy what? Crying?]

"No. Being a baby. Do you have any idea how much attention babies get? Especially from women?"

Aurora scoffed. [And this is your grand strategy in life? Getting coddled? ]

"Of course! Once I grow up, this kind of attention will disappear. Adults don't get the same warmth. So, I'm making the most of it now. And only Women, Children, and Dogs are loved unconditionally"

Aurora paused.

For the first time, she didn't immediately have a snarky comeback.

[...]

Naruto's mental smirk widened. "What, no comment? You're quiet."

[...]

"Wait a minute." His eyes gleamed mischievously. "Are you jealous or something? I was right—you're way more human than just some AI, huh?"

Aurora still didn't respond.

Naruto found himself blinking. He hadn't meant to say anything deep, but now he was curious.

Aurora went silent for a moment, which was rare.

Naruto smirked internally. "Oh? No comeback? Gotcha, didn't I?"

Aurora finally responded, her voice flat.

[You're seriously arguing with an AI about getting female attention as a baby? This is your life now?]

"Hey, don't judge me. I'm playing the long game here."

[The long game?]

"Exactly. If I build bonds now, I'll have a solid foundation when I grow up. Trust me, future, I will thank me."

Aurora sighed, sounding almost exasperated.

[You are ridiculous. But… I suppose it's more entertaining than listening to you cry every time you see a male.]

Naruto chuckled internally. "See? You do care."

[…Shut up.]

Meanwhile, in the real world, Kushina had picked Naruto up, gently rocking him to calm him down.

Tsunade, still tipsy, poked Naruto's cheek.

"Oi, brat. You're already a troublemaker, huh?" she muttered.

Naruto giggled at her, and for some reason, that small, innocent laugh made Tsunade's heartache.

She thought of Minato and Nawaki—two people she had loved and lost.

But then… she thought of the future.

And for the first time in a long while, she wondered—

Maybe, just maybe… this brat really could change everything.

Tsunade stared at the tiny blonde baby in her arms, her heart feeling something she hadn't expected. A strange, quiet warmth.

Naruto's small fingers brushed against her collar as he nestled into her, his body instinctively seeking comfort.

For a moment, just a moment, she felt a pang in her chest. How long has it been since I held something this small… this fragile?

She wasn't a mother. Never had been. Never got the chance.

Jiraiya, watching, sighed dramatically. "See, Kushina? I told you—he just doesn't like men."

Kushina, stirring the pot of whatever disastrous meal she was attempting, rolled her eyes. "Why are you getting jealous of a baby?"

Jiraiya crossed his arms, grumbling under his breath.

But just then, Naruto's tiny face scrunched up. His nose wrinkled, catching the heavy scent of alcohol rolling off of Tsunade.

And then—

"Waaaaaaah!"

His sudden, loud cries pierced the room.

Tsunade flinched, looking personally offended. "Oi! What the hell—"

Shizune, who had been watching like a nervous mother hen, immediately reached forward. "Tsunade-sama, give him to me. I'll hold him."

Tsunade hesitated.

Just for a second.

She hadn't realized how good it had felt to hold him—to feel his warmth, his tiny heartbeat, his absolute trust.

But she wasn't built for this. She had never been.

Reluctantly, she passed him over.

The moment Naruto settled into Shizune's arms, he instantly quieted. His little fingers curled into the fabric of her kimono, his breathing returning to slow, peaceful exhales.

The room was silent.

Tsunade blinked in disbelief as Naruto calmed down instantly in Shizune's arms. Her eye twitched.

"Oi… does this brat hate me or something?"

Jiraiya smirked, crossing his arms. "Well, Kushina did say he only cries with men, but this… this is different. This is personal."

Kushina sighed, rubbing her temples. "It's not that, Tsunade. You just reek of alcohol."

Tsunade gasped dramatically. "How dare you! I am a Sannin! A medical genius! A queen! And this tiny blond menace—" she jabbed a finger at Naruto's still-puffy face "—dares to judge me?!"

Naruto, in Shizune's arms, merely stared at her with an innocent baby expression. But inside his head, he was grinning.

"Hah! Even legends fall before the might of baby bias."

Aurora sighed. [You are taking this 'baby privilege' thing seriously, huh? ]

"Of course. I'm small, adorable, and untouchable. It's the peak of existence."

[...You're insufferable.]

Meanwhile, Tsunade was still staring at Naruto, suspicious. Then, suddenly, she lunged forward and took him back from Shizune.

"Alright, brat, round two! Let's see if you cry again."

The moment he was back in her arms, Naruto squirmed, scrunched his tiny nose, and—

"Waaaaaaaah!"

Jiraiya howled with laughter. "Pfft—! It's the alcohol! He's got standards, Tsunade! Even as a baby!"

Tsunade gritted her teeth. "Damn it, Naruto, I've healed hundreds of babies in my lifetime, and you—you're the only one who cries because of this! Do you know who I am?!"

Naruto didn't respond. He just wailed louder.

Kushina shook her head, prying him from Tsunade's grip. "Alright, enough. You're scaring him."

Naruto immediately stopped crying.

Tsunade deadpanned. "…You've got to be kidding me."

Shizune patted her back sympathetically. "Tsunade-sama, maybe it's just the alcohol smell. If you—"

"No!" Tsunade huffed. "This is a declaration of war."

Jiraiya wiped tears from his eyes. "Hah… oh, this is gold. Absolutely gold."

Tsunade cracked her knuckles. "Shut up, Jiraiya, or I'll make sure you cry next."

Naruto, back in Kushina's arms, yawned and smirked.

Aurora groaned. [You planned that, didn't you? ]

Naruto's inner voice was smug. "I told you—babyhood is a cheat code."