Losing My Father

* Barbie *

My eyes are still puffy, it's been three days since my father's burial. I am having the hardest time accepting the reality of life that he will never come back again, and I am left alone to go on without him. If only he told the doctors earlier, and he get medication before the cancer in his colon spread and his sickness worsened. There are so many ifs, however, it is too late for regrets for he has passed.

I am not alone during his burial, as I have my half-brother Rafael who came from the Philippines to Houston Texas to attend to my father's request before he died. Rafael is half Filipino and half American, my father used to date her mom before he left the country the Philippines and come back to Texas to get married to my mother. My parents were in love with each other for a little while until she conceived me and then when I grow up all I could ever remember is hearing them argue and fight. Until one day, she just left. She didn't say a word to me but my father told me that they are going to get a divorce.

How fast their love disappeared from each other and they decided to live their own separate lives as if they never meet. I could count how many times my mother called to talk to me until she completely shut me off. It made me wonder if she has already a new family of her own and if she ever love me maybe she didn't. But my father was a good man, he loved me dearly and he tried to be both a mother and a father to me. And now that he is gone, I am devastated.

Rafael said he will stay for as long as I need him to, but how I wish that he wouldn't go back to the East. I am sixteen and still a minor, my mother did not bother to come even when she heard the news that my father has already passed. Rafael is my only guardian.

"Are you alright Barb?"

I was staring out at the window looking outside my room but seeing nothing. As I still could not believe that I lost him, my father! The man whom I cherished, who's going to love me now? Before the tears begin to swell in my eyes again I turned around and saw the tall figure of Rafael leaning against the door frame of my bedroom. His eyes searched for my face. His resemblance to our father made me even more sad.

"Oh Raf, I miss him already. It was all so sudden I wasn't ready, he just went to the doctor when he felt his stomach ache and then when he came back."

He took a few steps towards me.

"Stop Barb, don't think of the things that will give you more pain. Please focus on the good memories that we shared with him."

He took longer strides and then he is beside me, sitting on the top of my bed as he pulls me closer to him in a tight embrace.

"I know it's hard but please let it go Barb, he will not be happy seeing you like this. Dad doesn't want you to cry anymore, he is at peace now, with no more pain. It's alright Barb, you are not alone, I am here and I will stay beside you for as long as you need me to."

His warmth provides a little bit of comfort to my aching heart and sorrow. I buried my face in his shoulder, Rafael has to go back to his family in the Philippines. His mother get married to a different man after our father left the Philippines for Texas. But he remained supportive of Rafael which is why we are still acquainted despite the long distance. Perhaps my father loved his mother but choose to live his life in America, his hometown.

"How can I continue living now Rafael? I am all alone, I know you will go back home soon. I will be left here. I'm scared, what will I do with my life?"

His arms tightened around me.

"Shhh, hush now Barbie. I will stay and wait until you graduate high school. Then let's decide if you wanted to go back home with me, I will take you. There is also a good college education in the Philippines, you can study there and be with me."

His words were soothing, and the promise of providing moral support to me is what made me feel touched. For a while, I have forgotten about the pain of losing my Dad. The idea of going on travel and meeting new people somehow gives me a little bit of excitement.

"Really!? I can go with you to the Philippines. But what about your family there? Will they accept me as a part of them?"

My insecurity threatening to fill the sadness in my heart. He smiled, that reassuring smile on his lips assuring me that everything will be alright. That we are going to be just fine, the memories of my father holding my hand and providing comfort for my troubled mind has made me feel better.

"They will love you Barb, I have two other siblings there. Tom and Erich. They already know about you and Mama Erma is waiting when you are ready to come. Don Enrique has already approved that you live there. However, my plan is to buy an apartment in the city near your university where you can study."

My eyes widens in surprise as the new plan came pouring from the lips of my brother. I heard all about his family there, how they love and adored him like they were really his own. I am suddenly filled with hope that I might get his support in a small wish that I've been wanting to do since I was younger that is to get out of this place and go somewhere. I have always felt that I don't belong here after my father and my brother told me about their lives when they are in Philippines.

"Oh, Thank you so much Rafael. I thought that you would leave me here, I was so sad and worried. You know I have no one, my mother has totally forgotten about me. We never talk, I was going to contact her the other day but now I'm glad that I didn't."

His arms loosened around me as she look me in the eyes. "I will never do that Barb, I've been wanting to tell you about my plan since the other day but only get the chance now. Don't contact your mother, it's alright. Dad left us the insurance money that we could use and build our life in the Philippines, she doesn't know about that nor she needs to know."

My heart beats faster as I thought about travelling to the Philippines, getting there, making new friends and then having a family. Perhaps, my life would get better in a place where nobody knows me. Despite my sadness, there is a small amount of excitement and joy slowly growing in my heart. I would always miss my father and he will always stay in my heart for as long as I live but I think leaving this place will be better for me.

"Then, are we going to sell this house after we leave?"

I let go of him and run my gaze at the four corners of my room. My memories of childhood and the things I do there, I even remember when things was still good between Dad and my mother, when she was still with us. I let out a heavy sigh.

"I am considering doing that Barb, but if you don't want to then we will keep it. We can put these on the lease and receive the money while we are on The Philippines, I am going to put it under your name. So that whenever you wish to come here and have a vacation you still have a place to stay."

My lips curve in a warm smile, my brother Rafael never took any interest of taking much more than what Dad has left for him. The wide portion of his hidden account, he left it for me. His retirement fee and the insurance are a big amount that Rafael and I are sharing as his only beneficiaries and I will receive all of it when I turn eighteen. That will be one year from now, and that amount will be many times higher if we use it in the Philippines as the currency is converted fifty times higher than here.