Chapter 134 - The wheel spins once again?

Day 7.

Xin sat on top of a small plaid, cross-legged. He stared at the lake's water surface, rippling lightly with rare gusts of the autumn wind. Time to try fully manifesting the spirit again.

Xin focused on every aspect he had mastered so far, and tried to activate them one by one, but not as a part of his soul's landscape, but as an outer projection of his will. He had already failed several times today, and this would be his last attempt before he was too exhausted to continue.

The image of the tiger flickered in the air, smaller than the real tiger, then twisted and dissolved again. That's it for today. Xin wasn't upset, he knew that this was a hard task, but the hardest part was getting to this moment alive, what's left now is just a few days of practice. He was progressing remarkably well, faster than most manuals would anticipate

A part of it was the amount of sources he managed to collect, advising him with different approaches. Another one was of course the amount of resources he was using — the loot that he collected during the war certainly made him more wealthy than an average rank one cultivator. But the main reason, he suspected, was actually his talent. 

A few months ago, Feng Chonglin claimed that Xin's spirit affinity was "slightly above average", and now Xin suspected that it was a calculated effort to keep him in check. Was Chonglin trying to suppress me this way, or was he trying to alleviate the pressure? Or was he envying me, saying that I am "nothing special", when I clearly am?

Xin rubbed his chin, nervous. He realised that he was still craving validation from his mentors, and tried chasing these thoughts away. Still, if not for the nomads, I might have died by now, so maybe Feng Chonglin's cautiousness was justified? Fuck, I am still thinking about this.

Xin heard a sound coming from the steppe. Was it horse hooves?

Totemic sense of smell… Qi infusion. Sniff, sniff. A horse rider. Erdeni.

Xin stood up and walked towards the source of the sound, then waited for her to enter.

"Xin, I am glad you're safe. The sounds…" She wanted to keep speaking, but stopped in her tracks. Xin is wearing his sect robes now!

"Please finish what you were about to say."

"You speak?!" Erdeni was astonished, and almost broke into tears. She then sped up and charged him, wrapping her hands around his neck. 

"Calm down." Xin smiled gently, pressed her to a nearby tree and gave her a long kiss on the lips. "My vows are fulfilled, I have to refine the totem now. Follow me." He led her towards their lake. A few minutes later, Erdeni sat on a plaid as Xin was starting a fire.

"Refining? So, you're making a new totem out of this one?" Some time ago, Xin explained that taming the totem wouldn't be the end of his plan, but given his inability to speak, couldn't elaborate further.

"Yes, the Baihu. The current totem is too evil, and we're too incompatible. Wanted to apologise for what I almost did the day we first met. Sincerely."

"Xin… It feels like ages ago now. You've done so much for me… Listen, I waited for you to start speaking for so long, let's not waste time on apologies! Tell me everything you wanted to tell me!"

"Well… That tongue move, back there in the tent. Mind-blowing."

"Oh, so you're sassy and perverted! Nothing new." She threw a little rock at him. He effortlessly caught it between fingers and grinned.

"Are you describing me or yourself, you bratty nomad? I'll cook dinner for us today, I'm allowed to use my utensils now."

"Oh, that's great!" Erdeni couldn't hide her delight. "But there was one thing I wanted to ask… Forget it, it's nothing."

"Don't worry, dear. You can ask."

Dear? Erdeni was so overwhelmed, she struggled to breathe. Only her father called her that!

"Sure…" Her face was red as a radish now. "You see, you said we'll talk in five days or so… It's been seven. And we're only talking because I came here…"

"Oh, I see." Xin frowned. These past few days, he wanted to go and visit Erdeni, but stopped himself from it. At first, he told himself that it was about taming the totem as quickly as possible, or that he wasn't too eager to talk with chief Oygun again. But this morning, Xin finally admitted — I am avoiding her!

"Did I do something?"

"Erdeni, there were complications in my totemic cultivation…" Xin told a half-truth, but was then disgusted with himself. "It's not just that… I don't know how to talk with you. Whatever we had, it worked, but now it's a new thing, and I am afraid it won't."

"Xin! How can you say this? You know how I feel, and I think you feel the same, so why would we have a problem?"

"You know why, Erdeni." Xin finally managed to light a fire, and set the flints aside. "It's about the future." He added some dry brushwood to the mix.

"I… Just wanted to check up on you. I am not sure I am ready for this conversation."

"One will never be ready for this conversation. We have to do it anyway." Xin sat down opposite of Erdeni and took her by the hands. Warm. Gentle.

"Fine. But before we do it, you must say it. The thing. Do you?"

Xin felt a stone drop in his chest. He knew that Erdeni loved him, yet uttering these words was terrifying. It's impossible, but what if she rejects him now?

Breathe. In. Out.

"I love you. Dearly. I'd tell you when the moment was right, you didn't have to force it."

Erdeni smiled and pressed her forehead into his chest. Xin buried himself into her hair and caressed it gently.

"That's a relief, Xin. I felt it in your every move, but to hear you say it… A great burden off my shoulders."

"But do you love me?" Xin blurted out, anxiously.

"What? I told you a hundred times."

"After we fucked. Or when you were coming. Or when I was. How do I know it's not part of the play?" What the fuck am I saying?

"Xin? What are you… Of course I do." Erdeni's eyes were wet, she was about to break down into tears.

"Hush, hush. Sorry, I don't know why I said this. I am sorry. T'was stupid."

"Yes, but I see what you mean. I love you, Xin. Dearly. Especially in these sect robes."

"Good." Xin smiled. "Now let's talk about the future. I see two main issues right now — your tribe and the Moss Bush demoness."

"Issues? My tribe is not an issue." Erdeni instantly became defensive.

Xin felt a growing frustration rise up. Why is this so hard? Things were much easier when we didn't talk!

"Don't spin my words, please. I mean in the context of our relationship. The issues of your tribe are something you're busy with resolving. This means something for our future, but what?" Xin's face was now blank again, he looked into Erdeni's eyes with a distant expression.

"The tribe is my family, literally. Are you asking me to…?" Please, get me to abandon them. I can't do this anymore, let Horhu handle this. I'm tired.

"I would never. Now, here is the issue — I can't live here with you, as I am a sect member. Five Elements Transition school, you've seen my token. And, even if we imagine that I somehow stayed here and started living with you people, I don't think it would be good for you, given your status.

I would have no issue taking you as my wife, renting you a house in Clay Nest or in the sect's village — but I assume you'll decline. Where does that leave us?"

Erdeni didn't respond. 

"Now look. I can't leave the sect, it's not just my wishes, I'll legally become a deserter and will be hunted. You aren't willing to abandon your tribe, either. That leaves us lovers, without a future together, and damages your chances to find a proper husband to secure a dynastic alliance. As it stands, I love you more than anyone, ever, and you know I'm not lying, as I almost died for you and your people, yet it seems like this relationship is doomed. Please prove me wrong. I beg you."

Erdeni frowned and stared into Xin's eyes. Green, warm, dear eyes, staring into mine as you're cutting me up with words!

"I don't know what to say, Xin! I was anxious that our love was naught but a fleeting dream, a memory to be cherished for one's whole life, an impossible to fulfill wish. And what you're saying, it makes me angry, but I find it hard to find fault in your arguments…" She entwined her fingers with Xin's, pressing firmly.

"I thought about a solution, and it's the only one I came up with. Please tell me if it works."

"Speak. Please." Erdeni's eyes lightened up.

"How many people are there in your tribe?"

"One hundred… Forty one." She clearly subtracted the recently deceased.

"Think they could join our sect? We need riders. Caravaners, grazers, workers — you name it. You won't be exploited, I can see to it." How can I make this work? Xin was anxious, this is clearly wishful thinking.

"Xin. If I offer anything like that, some of our riders will pack up and leave immediately. Others will migrate the following day. What you're proposing is a death of our tribe, and the end of our legacy. They'll never agree to this. Horhu won't. Oygun, too."

"In life, you have to constantly reinvent yourself. If the tribe is unwilling to change and transform, it will die anyway. What I am offering is ambitious, but it would be a new chance. Our sect does plenty of trade, your connections and knowledge would be greatly appreciated."

"We'll be discriminated against. I can live with that, but I can't condemn my tribe to live like that. Lower people, murderers, horsefuckers — that's what we are to them. For us Skyfolk, freedom and duty are two greatest virtues — you ask that we forego both."

"Fuck this idea, then. The only two other options are me joining your tribe and getting my hands dirty in a succession war I don't understand, and you abandoning the tribe and living with me. And I hope you understand why number two sounds healthier for both of us. I am not being selfish."

Erdeni didn't respond. Her chin twitched slightly, and she looked at Xin's chest, deep in her thoughts. Xin gently held her hands, giving her time and space, but dark thoughts also loomed in his own head.

Erdeni finally spoke:

"There is nothing greater than love, Xin. I love you, I love my brother and I love my tribe. I loved my father, too, and I loved my mom. She always told me to look after myself first, a type of advice I despised, but now I see there was some wisdom in it…"

Xin was elated — wait, is this happening? I'd never dare ask her to do this, for my own selfish reasons, but if this is her will — I'll be the happiest man in this world!

An image flashed in his head.

"Lang Shuo, what's our plan? If our next payment is late — it's a third strike, and we'll waive the claim to our house. What then?" Mother asked dad. Xin pretended to be asleep as he overheard them.

"Darling, please stop using my family name. Even in private. They can and will harm us, we both know this. I am working on this gig, if it works out, we'll be able to…"

It never worked out. Xin stared at Erdeni.

"Xin?" Erdeni was confused. She was bracing for a brave plunge, yet Xin became detached again. What's wrong with him? Did the war leave him so scarred?

"Erdeni, now that I think about it… You shouldn't. My father forced my mom into a similar decision, and she regretted it. I don't want to do the same to you."

"How do you know that she regretted it? Did she tell you?"

"Worse. She nagged him every day, then just left us. I remember her entering my room, kissing my forehead and packing some things. I didn't pay it too much attention, but when I woke up, my father's face was bloated from tears, and my mom was gone… Back to her clan."

"Xin…" Erdeni felt her stomach drop. That woman, she decided to come back to the clan she abandoned? Well, I'm not her, things can be different, right? But what if Xin is right?

"Erdeni, I am not doing this to you. To ask you to tear such a large part of you off, to ask you to shed your own self to be with me, it's cruel. Evil. I am sorry for flip-flopping like this, it's pathetic and unmanly. We both know the correct choice."

"Do we, Xin?" Erdeni was furious as she broke into tears, pushed Xin's chest and stood up, tears flowing down her face. "My periods are almost two weeks late, I might be pregnant!"