Remembering What Was

Noah

I'm an idiot.

I knew it before but today its branded into my brain. I slam my car door shut a little too hard than necessary, my steps heavy as I stomp to the front of my house. Today was a mess, terrible and completely fucked up.

I shove the door open and head straight to my room, hoping for a moment of peace. Instead, I get everything other than peace.

"What are you doing?" I demand to Liam who is obviously searching my things even though I clearly warned—asked him in the nicest way not to.

He glances at me, then shuts the wardrobe door and leans against it, feigning nonchalance.

"What. Are. You. Doing?" I ask again taking a step closer.

Stop. Don't do this. Breathe Noah. Breathe.

He clears his throat straightening up and meets my gaze. I'm pretty sure he can practically feel the anger radiating off me. On any other day, I won't be like this. I'd let Liam mess around, trample all over me, I'd even flash him a smile, like I don't care. But today, I'm not thinking too straight to amuse him.

"Looking for something obviously." He says it matter-of-factly, like he has every right to walk into my personal space and search through my things, looking for a weakness, or trying to create one.

I grit my teeth, my patience drying up. "I clearly told you to stay out, didn't?"

H shrugs with a smirk, "I own the house."

A bitter laugh escapes me and a take a step closer, closing the gap between us. "For a doctor, you sure are dumb." My voice drops dangerously low, "If you so badly want to own a mansion, then buy one. Stop riding off me."

His smile falter slightly before forming into a full grin and I already know what he's going to say before he does. "I'm just doing what mum wants."

Mum.

"Everything's that's yours belongs to Liam."

Her call earlier rings in my head, fueling my anger. "I don't care about any of that." My voice rises, tight with frustration. "I worked hard to get here and there's no fucking way I'm letting you just claim all that."

He chuckles, a low infuriating sound and I feel every muscle in my body tense up.

One punch. Just one.

"That's what you think, Noah. Taking what's mine must have confused you but you don't actually have a choice, do you?"

The words hang in the air, and before I can stop myself, I slam my hand on the wardrobe door with a loud bang. Liam flinches slightly. "Get the fuck out." My voice is low, dripping with barely controlled rage. Trying to block out the urge to drive my fist into something—anything. "Before I lose my shit."

For a second, he hesitates, trying to act confident and hold his ground but when he notices the way my vein is popping out on my neck and "I the way my fists are clenched to tightly, they're turning white, he brushes past me and walks out, but not before throwing one last insult over his shoulder.

"You'll always be nothing Noah, let it sink in."

The door slams shut behind him, and the sound echoes in the room. I stand there, alone, my chest heaving, my hands trembling with the desperate urge to punch something—someone.

Without thinking, I slam my fist into the wall. The impact sends a jolt through my arm, but I feel nothing. The pain barely registers before I slam it back into the wall, again. And again. I hit it harder imagining Liam's face rather than the plaster, till bruises form on my knuckles.

But it doesn't help. Nothing does.

I let out a frustrated breath and run a hand through my hair before sinking onto the edge of the bed, staring at the floor, as the conversation with my mother playing in my head.

She had called earlier, the first time this year and I went over to her apartment, having that petty constant hope that she might welcome me this time. But I was wrong, as always.

"Don't sit." She said coldly immediately I stepped in the living room.

One glance and you can tell she's Liam's mother, the red hair, the green eyes, the personality and obvious hatred towards me.

Before I could respond or say anything she continued. "Liam is currently staying with you," she looked up her eyes filled with disgust and hatred. "If you do anything to hurt him, I'll kill you myself."

She threw the words in my face.

"Mum—" I began but she cut me off. Her tone as sharp as a (something known to be very sharp)

"I told you to never dare call me that when we're alone."

I swallowed, lowering my gaze to the floor. "…I'm sorry"

She scowled, before getting to her feet and walking away. The fact that she called me all the way here to remind me of my place, was a punch to my gut, the reminder that I wasn't her son and I would never be.

I lay flat on the bed, facing the ceiling and thoughts of Ray run through my mind, her cold gaze, the way she pulled away from me.

It mixes together with my mother's words, the weight of everything pressing down on me. Suffocating.

I close my eyes for a moment letting the exhaustion sink in. It's been one thing after the other.

"Fuck," I curse, as I think of Ray again, pressing my temples. I shouldn't have grabbed her like that, I should have let her go when she wanted. But seeing her so close outside work, feeling her so close, I lost control, every fiber of my being screams for her.

The fact that she thinks I think low of her feels like a knife stuck in my chest. She's literally the best person I've ever known, the best part of my life.

A sigh escapes my lip and I drag my pillow to my face.

***

"You, okay?" I asked, she was seated on her bed and my head laid in her lap, the familiar warmth of her body easing my nerves like nothing else could. Her fingers stroked through my hair absentmindedly, and I could tell she was distracted by something. That crease between her brows, the way her lips pursed slightly—it was always a dead giveaway.

She huffed, pouting as she glanced at the textbook beside her. "I got an A- in my chemistry test," she muttered, her voice tinged with frustration. "What if this keeps happening? What if... I'm slipping?"

I couldn't help but smile at her adorable seriousness. Ray was always striving for perfection, always pushing herself, and even the smallest stumble would have her questioning everything. It was one of the things I loved about her—her determination, her drive—but sometimes she needed to be reminded to go easy on herself.

Sitting up, I cupped her cheek, my thumb brushing lightly over her soft skin. "You got an A-, not an F, Ray. You're still a genius."

She crossed her arms, a pout on her lips that only made me grin wider. "You don't understand. I've never gotten anything below an A before. Ever."

"And that's why you're going to be okay," I said softly, leaning in closer. "Because this is just one bump in the road, plus you're Esmeray freaking Adams. You crush everything you put your mind to."

Her lips twitched, the smallest hint of a smile threatening to break through her annoyance. I could see the tension in her shoulders easing, even if just a little.

"We'll study together," I continued, scooting closer on the couch until my knee brushed against hers. "You, me, and an unhealthy amount of coffee. Mr. Benjamin won't even know what hit him when you ace the next test."

She tilted her head, finally letting that smile bloom fully. "You hate chemistry."

"True," I admitted, chuckling as I ran my hand through my hair. "But I love you, so I'd go through that torture, if it means you'd stop worrying."

Her eyes softened.

"You and I make a pretty good team, you know that?" I said, my voice dropping lower.

She nodded, her smile growing as she leaned in slightly. Her eyes, those mesmerizing eyes that always seemed to see right through me, held mine. And in that moment, it wasn't just words—it was a promise. A promise that no matter what happened, it would always be us.

I brushed a strand of hair away from her face, my fingers lingering on her cheek, the warmth of her skin grounding me. I leaned in, slowly, and I could feel her breath hitch just as our lips were inches apart.

"It's just you and me, Ray," I whispered, the words slipping out in a breathless confession. "You and me."

And then I kissed her. Soft, gentle at first, like I was afraid she might pull away. But she didn't. She leaned into me, her hands finding their way to the back of my neck, pulling me closer.

Her lips were soft, warm, and tasted faintly of the coffee we'd been drinking earlier. I deepened the kiss, my hand slipping to the small of her back, pulling her into me as if I could merge us together, make this moment last forever.

She responded just as eagerly, her fingers tangling in my hair.

When we finally broke apart, both of us breathless, I rested my forehead against hers, our noses brushing lightly. Her eyes were half-lidded, dazed, and there was a rosy flush coloring her cheeks. She looked beautiful—more than beautiful. She was gorgeous, more gorgeous than anything or anyone I had ever seen.

"You feel that?" I whispered.

She smiles her eyes fluttering close. "Every time."

I chuckled softly, brushing my thumb over her lips still swollen from our kiss. "How do you still do this to me?" I tease, but my tone is serious. The weight of how much I love her heavy between us.

She leans in and kisses me again, and this time I don't stop. Chemistry can wait, hell, the whole world can wait. Right now, it's just me and her.

***

I pull away the pillow from my face and wipe away the tears falling down the side of my eyes to the bed. But no matter how many times I wipe them, they keep coming and they wont stop. Not when part of me is missing. Esmeray is missing. And it's my fault.