Chapter Two

Sometimes we ignore red flags. We ignore them because in our minds we can't go there. Sometimes we can't accept the reality of how sinister and insane the situation can be. So I missed my neighbor's red flags when I met my husband about thirteen years ago. I've always been that socially shy awkward girl, so through High School I didn't have a lot of boyfriends, especially within the school. I was always a puzzle piece that didn't fit in, and at the time that bothered me, but now I know that makes me who I am, and I'm proud of that! I am proud of being the puzzle piece that's rough around the edges. I am proud of being who I am, and that took years of practice. I think when I first met my husband, I was just so tremendously happy to start dating him. I had a boyfriend once beforehand, nothing too serious, just like a little fling. So I think I was intelligent enough to pick up these flags, but I intentionally ignored them out of happiness. Out of wanting happiness. I did have a huge amount of love and respect for my husband. When we had common interests, he just joined the military, and my career goal at that time was to join the military, so we bonded based on that experience between us. The first time I met our future neighbor was when he took me to meet her. This was an experience that I'll never forget because it was the first time that I was ever judged on-site. It was the first time that I'd had a person wrinkle their nose up at me who just only knew my name. Little did I know that this person was friends with a family member of mine, so now she thinks she had an encyclopedia just based on me. Right from the beginning, I was called things like trash because I came from a trashy family, according to her. This person builds her opinions on wealth and money, and if you don't have money, you don't come from a good family. My family was never wealthy. I mean, we weren't poor. I learned what hard work is. I saw my parents both going to work every week to earn a paycheck. Some people have jobs that are more financially stable than others. Does it make them have a higher place in society? Some people say yes, but my personal opinion is no. So, I was very excited about this new relationship and this new man. I knew pretty early on that he was going to end up being my children's father; I could just tell by the dynamics between us. I thought that by ignoring the name-calling, holding my head high, and focusing all my energy on the positive aspects of this relationship, would be enough. I ignored being called things like a slut and being told I wasn't good enough. This is where I developed the tactic of ignoring all the hurt and focusing on the joy. It was good for a moment. But being hurt is like a jar, and pretty soon it's going to overfill, just like putting water in a jar, it only holds so much.