Chapter Five

When you have one person completely hating you, you can almost guarantee that more people will follow suit. It's like a deep, devious game of dominoes — the gossip train. Eventually, my neighbor's whole family started to hate me. So not only do I have her jabs at me, but also her husband's, sisters', mother-in-law's, and the list goes on until I'm Santa Claus and officially have a bad list. It's no secret that a woman's body gains weight and changes after having a baby. I had always been very petite, but after my first child, I started gaining weight. This became the focus of my neighbor's husband's abuse. He would constantly talk about my weight, how I had gotten fat, and relentlessly criticize me. This was upsetting, because I was always slender, so struggling to gain weight and feel pretty was hard for me.

I wanted to look nice, especially for my husband. To constantly have somebody tell you otherwise, was horrible. He took away my self-esteem from what you see on the outside, and she was taking away my self-esteem from what was on the inside.

It's also very mentally draining when you have two or three or four people and one team and you're solo. There's nobody there for you, and the reason for that is I would rather not get anyone involved. I would rather not ruin their reputation by just telling the truth about what they were doing to me. And this thought to this day still bothers me, how can I have that much respect for somebody who tore me apart, and then I think maybe I am just a good person?

Becoming a mother was wonderful. It was everything that I imagined, and I had such a great relationship with my first son. I have such a great relationship with all my kids. But it also opened this door to a different type of abuse.

My neighbor criticized me for everything I did as a mom. She thought I did everything wrong. The formula amounts, the type of formula, the clothes the baby wore, all of it was wrong, and I was told over and over again that I shouldn't be a mom and that she would do a better job. Being a first-time mom is such a confusing time. You're trying to navigate having a new role in life and learning what to do and what not to do and everyone's going to make mistakes, but I have somebody in my ear constantly telling me that I am doing it badly. It was one of the most horrible times in my life. I've always dreamed of being a good mother.