Wait, I in a video game

Before I wake up, I'm sitting there, lost in my thoughts, hoping the whole barren wasteland thing was just a nightmare. But when I open my eyes, it's still there, and that one weird loner guy is shaking me awake.

"Oh, great, you're up. Well, now I don't have to drag you out of bed," he says. "Anyway, if you ever want to level up, there are a few tasks you need to do first. I'll have you go trade with the wandering trader named—uh, actually, you know what, just call him 'Trader.'"

"Right... Can you give me, like, a name for the stuff I'm supposed to be trading? And what exactly am I trading?" I ask.

"Yeah, sure," he says. "You're going to be trading this itchy old blanket, three gallons of purified water I've been saving for a month, my level-three armor set, and my level-four spear—which is slightly broken. In exchange, I want you to get a month's worth of rations. Oh, and by the way, when you meet him, say 'extra salty flavored ice cream.' It's a secret code. He'll give you a little bag of extra-flavored yummy green tea—but don't eat it. OK? Here's a backpack and the armor set. Make sure you're back by noon so I can give you the rest of your tasks."

I stare at the heavy load. "Well, this is pretty hefty. And... wait, here's a map to all the locations?"

He nods. "Right."

With a sigh, I head to the first location on the map. As I arrive, the first thing I see is a goblin. Panic floods my system, and before I know it, I'm running away in terror with the goblin chasing right behind me. I race to the second location, only to find an entire horde of goblins ramming into a building.

"Oh my holy mother of God..." I whisper as I try to quietly back up. Unfortunately, I step on a twig, and with a snap, every single goblin looks my way.

Before I can react, they charge at me. The goblin that was chasing me earlier is now practically nipping at my heels, about to bite my butt off. I run as fast as I can toward the third location—a nearby oasis. When I make it there, the goblins stop in their tracks, glaring at me angrily before retreating back to the building they were ransacking.

Finally, I find the wandering trader. He's a shady-looking guy wrapped in a hood and a sketchy blanket. He turns around, pulling his blanket tighter, and says, "Hey, you wanna buy some bows?"

I shake my head. "No, I'm here to trade. I was told to give you these items."

"Oh, it's you! Well then, you wanna buy some drugs? I've got minty flavor, Nigel flavor, control flower, right egg flour, and the extra strong stuff in the back."

I sigh and remember the code. "He told me to say 'extra salty ice cream.'"

The trader starts laughing. "Oh, that stuff. I keep an extra stash in the back. How many packs do you need?"

"How much do you have hidden in that blanket?" I ask.

"That's a secret." He pulls out an inner layer of his blanket and hands me what I need. "I've been waiting for these," he says, referring to the blanket and the other items.

I finally make my way back home after encountering that same goblin again—this time running just fast enough to avoid him. I get back to the oasis and hand over everything, arriving just before noon.

"Well, you made it back in time!" the loner guy says. "You ready for the rest of the day? It's filled with tasks, but don't worry—they won't be as hard as this one."