I'm a mess

Life is not as easy as we think it to be, I had everything any teenage girl would ask for a mother, an uncle a twin brother but I lack one thing, happiness and peace,I barely remember my dad but I remembers that he was a great dad,he cared for Julian my twin brother and i

Hey,lost, Julian said snapping his finger in my face to waken me,you look dead, you've always looked dead

Wassup, anything you want to tell me I said

Not really, you're mood is depressing me Julian said

I smirked, depressing,huh I said to myself,they really do not understand

Hey twin,who was that guy you were talking to yesterday Julian asked

Davis why???

He is super cute and hot too

Yeah whatever I said

What was he telling you?Julian asked

He said he wanted to be friends and that I'm beautiful I said scoffing

And what was your reply he asked

I looked at him then looked away

Common twin, don't tell me you screwed it up Julian said, where's he from

How I'm i supposed to know?? I said

Yeah you screwed it up Julian said standing up

And yeah you're right he is super cute and handsome and hot too

He smiled slowly come out from your hiding babe you're totally invisible, people don't even know I have a twin like you Julian said

Well Weldone being the popular boy I'm not interested

He smirked you're so boring

You're welcome I said feighing a smile

Whatever, he said walking into the room

I smiled

I only smile at few people my family especially my twin brother, some friends from school I guess that's why guys are scared to approach me bad luck right

I stood up following my twin brother into the room

Good morning mom,I greeted my mom

How are you little woman

I'm fine mom, good morning uncle nick

Morning angel uncle nick replied how are you doing today

As usual I said as I walked inside my room

Of course my room is very big with a lot of books,I don't have a phone because I don't use one, just laptops and books in a big big room,I sighed heavily and I can feel the tears wanting to make it's way out.

Control,control,you can control it I said to myself ,I quickly took the knife in my drawer and cutted slightly in my thigh, okay okay bitch let the blood replace the tears and headache.

It's funny mom is laughing outside when I feel like dieing,I remember when I was five years old,a year after my dad's death

MAY 22 2010

I had actually stayed in my room that whole day, thinking about how it will feel to end the pain I was having , everyone was outside, celebrating or mourning I seriously do not know what to call it some were laughing, some were whispering others were just gisting,mom was just smiling at some people who came to greet her but deep inside she was burning, Julian sat at one corner observing everyone,we were just six ,and things are already becoming tragic for us.

I looked around my room I searched until I came across a razor in the room on my reading desk,tempted by the idea of being cutted I stood gently and took the razor,slightly and gently I cutted my vein and sat to bleed out,I didn't know it will hurt that much but I was happy I was ending me, Julie, Julie mom called open the door Julie

Mom I need to die I said to my mom

No Julie,you don't need to,if you die you will go to hell and angels will flog you for dieing mom try to persuade me

Oh that sounds terrible,why didn't I think about that,but mom I can't stand I'm dieing mom,I cutted myself I said weeping

Oh no baby why would you do that, okay just hold on we're going to open your door we won't let you die and be flogged by angels but sweet heart you have to be strong okay

Yes mom I'll try I can't be flogged by angels

I could feel life living me I could feel my life ending,I saw it and I felt it,but I shouldn't give up right I wouldn't so I tried as much not to close my eyes

Baby are you there mom asked me

I want to sleep mom I'm so exhausted and dizzy right now can I sleep a little bit I said

No darling you shouldn't okay,you need to be awake mom said

My voice was beginning to shake,my hands trembling,my whole body shivering,mom was crying bitterly

No baby you can leave yet, please baby please, stay with mommy

I'm sorry mom,I said I was about to really fall asleep when my door opened, two men carried me up.

Darling darling,my baby mom said holding my hand as I was putted on a stretcher.

Well I would have died that day,I was this close to death but here I am alive

I sighed heavily, I've had a lot of marks over the years,I cut myself, burn myself,I just hate myself so much that I wish I never existed,but yet I'm existing which is painful,I took the lighter in my pocket and slightly opened my abdomen, that's the favorite part I like burning,you could see a lot of marks there, irritating but yeah that's the only way to stop the pain I was feeling,I hate therapy never liked the idea of taking one.

Are you okay Julie, Julian asked

Yeah I'm dead I said teasingly

I love you sis he said

I love you bro I replied

Can you open the door now? he asked again

What if I say no??

Then I'll cry Julian said

I stood up and opened the door for him

Hey dude,I said hitting Julian's head

I'm still five minutes older than you Julie

Whatever,I said to him

What are you up to , Julian asked

Nothing, just wish interlake high school will be excited to have me I said

I hope they are, Washington is a big city, and I'm hoping you find a cute guy too Julian said

Hot, cute and handsome I said, maybe

Yeah sis, you will find him Julian assured.