Anxiety

"Good afternoon Tobi. How are you doing today?" Mrs. Geoffrey my therapist asks as soon as I'm seated.

"I'm alright, how about you?" she smiles sweetly. She's such a lovely old woman. With the amount of grey hairs on her head, I suspect she is a bit older than my mom.

"I'm alright." She says while picking up her note book where she writes the important things of each session. "so today, we're going to talk more on intimacy."

I wince and she laughs. There's nothing as uncomfortable as talking about sex with an old lady. The nightmares, the panic attacks and even my initial fear of people was easy to talk about. This? Weird as fuck.

"You don't have to be uncomfortable, I guarantee there is nothing you will say that I have not heard of before." She says warmly.

The last time the question came up, she mostly did the talking, explaining how difficult it might be for me to be intimate with someone else given the nature of my attack. I never told her the gender of my partner though, so I really do not know how this session will go. I'm hoping for the best.

I guess it's safe to say the session went well. I left her office feeling light. Very light. Contrary to what I initially thought, talking to her was about sex was really easy.

If she had no reason to think my partner is a he before, she must certainly think so now because I'm sure I let "he" slip out more times than I can track when talking about my partner. The weird thing though is that she did not bat even an eyelid at the insinuation that I might be in a relationship with a man.

She might be rolling on the inside though. I guess I'll find out if she is really okay with it if she is open for the next session. But on a side note, I really wish she is okay with it.

"the phone number is a dead end. We traced it to an old woman from Kaduna as the owner. And it seems the woman is even dead." Shit. Why is this case so fucking difficult?

"alright. You can continue with the investigation. I just hope you guys get better luck."

After ending the call, I look down and I see Mal's intelligent eyes watching me intensely. I'm seated on the couch in the living room and Mal is lying down with his head resting on my laps. "Everything will be alright baby." He says stroking my jaw. "everything will be just fine. We'll get her."

I nod not knowing what else to do. I don't know how to go about this,I can only rely on the police and Mal, and I just hope to God that either of them come true otherwise I don't know how I'll react if that God forsaken bitch escapes justice.

"baby, look at me." I look down at Mal, he has a concerned expression on his face as if he knows the turmoil my mind is going through. "it's alright. Whatever you're imagining will not happen as long as I'm concerned." He rubs my pulse point on my wrist and I gradually calm down. "how was therapy today? Was it fun?" he waggles his brows teasingly.

I roll my eyes in mock annoyance. "try talking to an old lady about your sexual experience and tell me if it's fun." He burst out laughing.

His beautiful face, his crinkled eyes and his perfect mouth stretched out in laughter is the best sight in the whole world. The sight single handedly disarmed me of all the foul feelings the call caused. I just watch him in awe, wondering how one person can be so perfect.

His laughter dies down and he is eyes finds mine. I don't know what he finds in there but his gasps makes be believe he likes whatever he saw.

And slowly, really slowly my lips finds his, gliding together in a dance only both of us understand. My mind turning mush at the feeling of a sensation I can't understand.

I pull back a bit, my lips still grazing his as I speak. "I love you Malachi."

I had just settled in my chair the next morning when my assistant came in with another letter. Saying the person delivered it with a strict instruction to give it only to me. The letter is sitting on my desk currently, I know the brown envelope would hold nothing but everything I do not want to see.

Pick it up and rip open the seal. Stuffing my fingers inside, I pull out the content of the envelope. The moment my eye catches on a picture, my stomach drops. I quickly drop the empty envelope and the letter leaving only the picture with me.

Pulling the small picture closer to my eyes to trace the people on it kissing intensely. One with and arm on the back of the other's head and the other just standing with his hands hanging at his side.

Even though the picture is a bit blurry, I have no doubt it's me kissing Mal in a public restroom. The picture catches my face more, or maybe half of it, then my hair is pretty visible and the bloody outfit I wore the day of the event.

From the angle of the picture, I believe someone was in there with us that day. Probably was in one of the toilet stalls.

Shit!.

Putting the picture down, I grab the letter.

It says,

Put an end to the investigation or I'll send this to your parents.

This is not an empty threat.

Not my parents.

No.

Shit. This is terrible.

My hands shake as I put the letter down on the table, my mind running a hundred miles a minute wondering how I'm gonna get out of this. I'm not even thinking twice about dropping the investigation, it's not an option at all.

With shaky fingers I dial Mal.

No answer.

I try again. The same thing.

I quickly gather the letter and the picture, putting both into my work bag with the aim of going home. I check the time, not even twelve yet.

My drive home was very much tensed. I could hardly focus on the highway. It was a miracle I got home intact.

I crash on the sofa with both my bags and shoe.

Now, I know what I have to do but I'm scared. What if my parents does not accept it? What if being bisexual is actually too much for them to bear. My stomach travels up my throat at the thought that my parents might not ever want me again.

Finding it hard to breath, I unbuttoned my shirt, pulling it off me and throwing it on the ground. My chest rise and fall in deep breath trying to calm the panic trying to take over.

I try Mal's number again, no answer. I almost threw my phone on the wall then I remember that I can call my sister.

I should call her.

She answered on the first ring.

"What's up baby bro? Did you decide I'm wordy of your attention today?"

I can only take in deep breaths, not knowing what to say.

"Tobi?? Are you there?" she sounds a bit impatient.

"Y-yeah." I manage to say.

"Tobi!! Are you alright?! Oh my God-" she sounds panicked all of a sudden.

"Yeah I'm alright, Titi, I'm fine."

"are you sure? Why does your voice sound so dull?"

"its nothing much, just having a bit of life reflection."

"life re- what? Tobi are you sure you're fine? I can be on the next flight to Lagos, just give me the word."

"no you don't have to. I'm perfectly fine."

"okay if you say so." I hear movement on her end. "sooooo, what's up then? Why'd you call?"

"um, is there anything that can make you hate me?" the words fly out of my mouth without my permission.

A beat of silence. "what?" she's confused.

"I mean, is there anything I'd do that would make you hate or despise me?" I ask again.

"ofcourse not. You're my brother and I love you so much. Nothing you'll do will ever make me hate you."

I scoff a bit irritated, knowing as this might not be true if she finds out I'm dating a man. I don't know if she suspects though, when I was still in the hospital receiving treatment, I'm kind of certain she bumped into I and Mal cuddling on the bed.

Sighing, I stretch myself across the couch in a comfortable manner.

"What if…. What if i-if i say that…"

She huffs in irritation. "can you spill it out? Or Is it about your possible relationship with Malachi? Or did you think I don't already know?"