The Pernicious Passion for Asia Vieira

Nar-Tai didn't know how much time had passed during this unnatural flight until suddenly his body collided with something solid and he opened his eyes. It turned out that he had, without noticing it, managed to land right in the middle of a huge and luxurious hall, while punching a hole in the luxurious glass dome.

Through the hole made by his body, with ugly fragments sticking out along the edges, sunlight shone through, creating bizarre reflections on the polished marble slabs of the magnificent hall with ornate frescoes on the walls depicting scenes from either Greek or Joponese mythology.

But what interested him most was how, when falling from such a great height, he did not sink into the floor to a significant depth. Perhaps the additional obstacle in the path of his flight, which was the glass dome, weakened the inertia of his flying body, but such an explanation was difficult to accept as true.

But these were only the first thoughts, and soon they disappeared from Nar-Tai's head along with all the other memories of the shitty minutes spent in the sauerkraut-smelling airliner. Now everything seemed painfully simple: his illegal entry as a stowaway, his premature sortie, and his forced escape from the crew...

The only thing he really regretted was leaving his wristwatch at the Lickbon Hotel - but he could easily forget even that episode, since you can buy one anywhere. Still, he felt a little uncomfortable standing there in the huge hall into which he had literally fallen from the sky, without the slightest idea what time it was.

He suddenly wanted to sleep, he wanted to crawl under the blanket or at least spread out a sleeping bag right on these marble slabs... But he immediately drove these thoughts away - after all, he was not in a hotel room now, but in a completely incomprehensible place! He had no business thinking about it... At least at this moment.

Nar-Tai was distracted from these thoughts by a human figure suddenly appearing from somewhere at the end of the hall, wearing a white coat, like those used by costume designers for actors playing mad scientists in cheap science fiction films. The stranger looked very much like Nar-Tai himself - the same Asian face, the same dark short hair and moderately pumped up biceps...

Although no, thought Nar-Tai, he himself looks much more athletic than this gentleman... The latter at that moment stopped five steps away from Nar-Tai and began to examine him attentively. And then it dawned on him - this is his old acquaintance, whom he had met about eight years ago during a walk around the embassy of the United Juzes of Kasakhia in Yokyo...

"Antichrist tear me apart, Ando, is it you?" with a feeling unexpected for himself, he spread his arms for an embrace.

"Unholy shit, it's Nar-Tai!" the Joponese did not remain in debt.

They hugged each other tightly, like men, so tightly that their ribs cracked, after which they both took a step back and looked at each other more closely, and on each of their faces there was an idiotic smile caused by the unexpected meeting after so many years of separation.

In fact, there had never been anything special between them before, except for the time when they got drunk in a shitty pub to celebrate the annexation of Jopon and all its islands into the United Juzes of Kasakhia.

It could be said that Ando then celebrated his last day as a citizen of independent Jopon, and therefore it is not at all surprising that that evening Nar-Tai had to carry his comrade, who had lost all sense of proportion, on his shoulders to the nearest sobering-up station, so that the over-intoxicated Joponese would be able to give a lecture at the university on the topic of the beneficial cooperation between the Joponese authorities and UJK by the following day.

In any case, it was eight long years ago, and at that moment the two old friends stood opposite each other in a place that one did not know about, and the other had not yet managed to tell. Finally, Ando decided to take the initiative into his own hands and took a step forward, while deliberately lifting his head up a little so that his interlocutor could better see the mischievous sparkle in his eyes.

"What the hell brought you here?" he asked, a rude question, but not at all inappropriate in this situation.

"I'm more concerned about WHERE I've ended up," Nar-Tai answered calmly, emphasizing the fourth word.

"To my residence, of course!" Ando replied, glancing over his interlocutor with one eye.

Nar-Tai turned around reflexively, but since there was no one else in the room, he decided to just look around the room. To be honest, he hadn't been in such a luxurious place for a long time - it was hard to believe that this huge hall was just a room in Ando's home, and not some room in a museum or shopping center.

It was not a question of any goods or exhibits - there was nothing here except chairs and tables - but in the general picture of the unjustifiably large space in front of it; it seemed like some kind of ancient temple, which was helped by the walls decorated with frescoes "in the old style" and the too shiny marble slabs of the floor, and this is not to mention the ceiling, which was essentially a "window in the roof"!

"Well, you have some fancy penates, I see," Nar-Tai muttered in amazement, looking around the space of this room. "I wonder if all your rooms are like this?" he turned to Ando.

"Of course not," said the owner of the hall in the tone of a man who knows his own worth. "This is actually a hotel, if you haven't figured it out yet."

"Got it, got it finally," Nar-Tai waved his hand. "But why do you have such luxury everywhere here??? Where did you get all this money?"

"We'll talk about money later," Ando answered surprisingly softly. "But now let's sit on that little couch, you don't mind, do you?"

"What's against it, I don't care where I sit, even at the table with your pig Kari and all the other relatives combined!!!" Nar-Tai said good-naturedly, following the Joponese.

They sat down next to each other, right under a painting by an unknown artist, Nar-Tai: it depicted two naked girls, of European and Asian appearance respectively, who stood in the middle of a multitude of gold coins scattered on the floor.

This painting could easily be called a masterpiece of the art of the era of moral decline, despite some ambiguity in the composition of several copulating black silhouettes in the background. Nar-Tai did not have time to study the canvas more closely, since the host of the hall immediately took the initiative of the conversation into his own hands.

"You shouldn't have said that about my daughter," he said in a quiet, conspiratorial voice. "I've never said a bad word about you, but you immediately..."

"Don't worry about it, I was just joking," Nar-Tai reassured his interlocutor.

"And besides, it wasn't the baby's fault that you picked her up before she'd peed yet," Ando continued in the meantime. "I shouted at you, you fool, that she needed to pee, and you grabbed her right away when you dropped by to visit me... No wonder she pissed all over you then. Oh well, forget it. There's more interesting news - I've already had a second child! Just yesterday, can you imagine? Such a healthy, strong little fellow... But you'll never guess what I named him!"

"How? Tell me quickly!" Nar-Tai asked with feigned interest.

"Tai!" Ando exhaled in a joyful and abrupt tone.

Nar-Tai glanced at his friend from under his brows and half-closed his eyelids.

"Are you making fun of me?" he asked in a disgusted half-whisper after a pause.

"No, I'm serious!" the Joponese continued. "I named my sonnie Tai, Tai Minamoto! In honor of you, Nar-Tai!"

Nar-Tai felt insulted by Ando's attitude towards his own name - not only did he borrow it for his brat without his permission, but he also cut it in a barbaric manner!

However, he managed to curb his fit of anger quite quickly - he suddenly had a completely clear understanding of the absurdity of the conversation taking place between two old friends, whom fate had accidentally brought together after eight years.

He also realized that he himself would never name his sonnie after someone else, even if that other person was the best person on Earth. But on the other hand, Ando considered it a tribute to an old friend, i.e. for him it was not an insult, but on the contrary, an honor!

And Nar-Tai, not wanting to offend his old friend and at the same time feeling awkward because his name was now borne by a narrow-eyed toddler who wet his diapers, decided to clarify the situation regarding his own name.

"For your information, my friend," he began, "I am not Nar-Tai at all.

"Then who?" Ando asked, still overcome with paternal pride.

"My full name is Narbulat Tairymbayev," answered Nar-Tai, "and this six-letter nickname is just an abbreviation of it. It simply pissed me off when gentlemen unfamiliar with Kasakhian names mangled my real name, so I decided to call myself "Nar-Tai", so that all those The Omen Icans and Analdians would not have problems with breaking tongues. But don't worry, Ando, I'm not going to retrain you. If you think that my real name is "Nar-Tai", then consider it good for you, it's even easier for me - because when strangers mangle a name, that's okay, but from the lips of a friend, even a foreigner..."

It seemed that Ando did not expect such a long monologue from his interlocutor - he was even slightly confused, which in his case was expressed in an elongated face. But Nar-Tai did not give him time to come to his senses and continued:

"Of course I know about your affair with that girl from Fuckonto named Asia Vieira... You remember her ass the size of a continent, right?"

"Mm-m-hm-m, "bleated Ando, "in this regard, her parents acted very precisely, giving their daughter such a telling name. Her ass really is the size of Asia, he-he-he!"

"It doesn't matter, "said Nar-Tai like Depeche Mode's song, not paying attention to his remark. "I know about your affair and the fact that you decided to marry her, despite the fact that in you, my dear slant-eyed friend, she sees only a citizen of a country hostile to her disgusting Analda. I know that you do not want to part with her. But I want to tell you this: if Asia Vieira were a citizen of Jopon, then divorce your real wife in good health, I do not mind, but since your country has been part of the United Juzes of Kasakhia for eight years now, you cannot marry her, because Asia Vieira is a representative of the other political camp, understand me, my concerned friend? You do not want to be persecuted by the Analdian authorities for wanting to marry a citizen of their country, do you? So think carefully - is it worth it? After all, you have a wife and a child!"

"Two!" Ando interjected, still not believing that Nar-Tai was serious. "Two children!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about the kid who was born just yesterday, "Nar-Tai did his interlocutor a favor. "He's also a Joponese citizen, isn't he? And you want to dump him for that Analdian with her ass the size of the continent you've lived on your whole life? And if she dumps you, what will your eight-year-old daughter and newborn sonnie do? I'm telling you this as a friend and I want to warn you: think carefully about the consequences of your actions for your family!"

Ando gave him a strange look, half sad and half gentle reproach. It seemed that he was sure that Nar-Tai was just making fun of him - but he was completely serious and didn't even try to hide it from his interlocutor.

The Joponese knew that Nar-Tai was telling him sensible things, and yet he was sad to give up what he had started - namely, trying to pick up Miss Vieira. But he understood that the situation would develop in any case as his wise Kasakhian friend said - and sooner or later he would forget about the existence of this fat-assed Analdian with the telling name Asia.

But now he couldn't give her up so easily, because he felt like his heart was currently full of her huge ass. He couldn't understand why she attracted him so much - after all, he had never even really seen her before, except in the photos she posted in her PRIVATE - oh, these women! - Falcobook group.

But he knew that if he left his family for this Analdian woman, it would mean the end of everything he had built in his life, both literally and figuratively. He couldn't let that happen, so he replied:

"Okay, Nar-Tai, I'll think about it. But you know that as a man who has been married for ten years, I'm bored with the same woman, and I want to try something new."

"Oh, don't give me that nonsense!" Nar-Tai waved him off. "I know what you want to say. But I don't want to help you with this - because I'm against freelove and I advocate for unbreakable family relationships."

"How stern you are, my friend!" Ando grinned. "One would think that you are a Soviet Pithecanthropus, who spent all this time in hibernation and, having woken up in our time, looks at everything as mammoth shit!"

"Don't waste your energy on wit exercises," his interlocutor warned him. "And you know that I've always had a negative opinion of the politics of those distant times."

"Don't give me the wrong idea," said Ando. "I know that you secretly dream of the Soviet ideas rising from the ashes of nuclear fire. But that won't happen!" he said with sudden firmness in his voice. "I don't want my children to live in a world built on totalitarian patterns!"

"Oh, well done, you finally remembered about your children, "Nar-Tai decided to seize the initiative. "Well, now you don't dream about fucking Asia Vieira in her huge ass?"

"Go to hell!" Ando replied without malice. "I'm talking politics with you here, and you're still talking about women."

"Actually, I started talking about politics, "said Nar-Tai, "but I also started talking about women, so basically we're even. But I'd like you to understand one simple thing - Asia Vieira is, of course, not a woman, not even a person, NOT A HUMAN AT ALL!!! It's just a huge ass with legs and eyes, whose only purpose is to bring money to its sponsors in exchange for popularity among the common people. To put it bluntly, it's a media virus in the guise of a pornographic symbol, that's all."

"Unholy shit, what kind of philosopher are you!" Ando said jokingly. "And I thought you were a mountain of muscles and nothing more!"

"Well, yes, I'm not quite an ordinary person," Nar-Tai admitted, "but simple human feelings are not alien to me either!"

"Do you think philosophy is a feeling?" the Joponese man raised his eyebrows.

"And why not?" Nar-Tai picked up these words. "After all, love is expressed in words, and philosophy is also essentially wordplay. The difference between them is that a poet tries to evoke sympathy in members of the opposite sex with words, and philosophers - in their brothers in mind."

"That's a bit of a stretch!" Ando chuckled. "I never would have thought that everything in the world could be reduced to... What did you say? Wordiness, that's it!"

Nar-Tai only smiled in response. He knew that Ando, being a very intelligent person, much more intelligent than himself, could not overcome himself and just go and agree with the conclusions of someone who was less educated than him.

Arrogance always goes hand in hand with self-esteem. But in this case, Ando was right - Nar-Tai did go a bit overboard when he combined love and philosophy by saying that both are expressed through words.

And yet, despite this remark and even its ambiguity - or perhaps because of it? - Nar-Tai knew that Ando could not do otherwise. However that may be, one thing was certain - as a result of this verbal sparring, his throat became dry and he began to cough.

"What, pollen?" Ando asked him. "You'll have to forgive me for keeping daisies at home."

And indeed, Nar-Tai only now noticed that all this time he and Ando had been sitting on a small sofa, next to which stood an elegant lacquered table on one leg, on which stood a small lilac-colored vase, in which was a small bouquet of red and pink daisies.

Apparently, Nar-Tai's indifference to all sorts of plants was so great that he only realized they were right under his nose when he heard this fact from a stranger. In any case, he didn't say anything, but simply grabbed the vase and threw it with all his might to the far end of the hall.

The vase hit the wall and shattered into tiny pieces. Ando winced, but said nothing - it seemed he had already realized that Nar-Tai was not in the mood to take care of the interior items in his old friend's house. Who knows what Ando was really thinking at that moment.

Maybe he wouldn't even mind if Nar-Tai just went and blew up his fucking entire residence - at least compared to the hole in the glass dome and the broken vase of daisies, it wouldn't be so bad. But Nar-Tai, of course, didn't do anything like that. He just said:

"I feel a bit thirsty, could you bring me something to wet my throat?"

Ando tore his gaze away from the broken vase and looked at him. There was something about them that made Nar-Tai feel like he was looking into his own reflection. He realized that Ando not only agreed with him on this particular thought, but shared it entirely.

"I have Cock-Cola," Ando began listing, "and I also have sake, and I also have..." he made a vague gesture with his hand, as if trying to take it all in at once.

Nar-Tai understood that Ando was not talking about what he had at home, but about everything that could be bought in the nearby stores. He nodded and said:

"Let's not do this waste of life, okay?" he said calmly. "I don't drink that kind of crap. I only drink what I like. And I like good old tea, okay?" He paused to let Ando understand. "Just keep in mind that when I say tea, I don't mean those shitty bags filled with dust, but the real loose leaf stuff that you brew in a teapot, you understand?"

"Don't teach a scientist, you idiot," Ando said good-naturedly, rising from his seat. "What do you mean, teach a Joponese person how to brew tea!"

Nar-Tai nodded and remained sitting on the couch while his friend left the hotel room the size of a museum hall. He did not look to see what he would do - it was clear: Ando was going to the kitchen for tea and a small plate of some sweets.

He didn't even look out the window, where it was already dark. He felt good and calm - as never before. He felt as if something very important and significant had happened in his life - but he didn't know what exactly.

He only knew that it had happened at the right moment, at the very time when all the signs of the Zodiac in his horoscope had converged at one point. If only he could understand what all this nonsense meant... But that was not important. What was important was that his friend had returned to the hotel room, carrying a teapot and a plate in both hands - just as Nar-Tai had expected.

He even chuckled to himself when he saw Pterodaktyl mleczko in the plate - his favorite Nar-Tai dessert, which he loved since childhood for its inimitable soufflé tenderness and chocolate note.

"Help yourself," Ando exhaled, slamming the teapot and plate down on the table in front of the sofa.

"What about the mugs?" Nar-Tai was surprised.

"Why do we need them?" Ando asked with genuine surprise. "Do as I do, and in the future, perhaps, you will become better!"

With these words, the Joponese took the teapot in both hands and brought it to his mouth, ignoring the wide eyes of his guest. He took a few sips straight from the spout, and Nar-Tai noticed how the straw-colored liquid flowed down Ando's chin.

"It's not a very decent way to drink tea," he commented, "but I don't mind."

At this point, Ando, groaning, put the teapot on the table and took a piece of Pterodaktyl mleczko from the plate. He put the candy in his mouth, chewed and swallowed, looking at his guest with such an air as if motivating him to further action.

Nar-Tai, looking at all this disgrace, thought that in his life there had never been such a case when someone in his presence drank tea in such an idiotic way. But he did not say anything, but simply took the hot teapot with both hands and, bringing its spout to his mouth, sucked in the hot liquid.

He immediately burned his palate, but did not pay attention to it, and Ando, who had already managed to gobble up the second candy, nodded approvingly and with his eyes asked the guest to put the teapot back on the table.

Nar-Tai didn't mind, and when Ando picked up the teapot, he reached for the plate of sweets. The taste of the Pterodaktyl mleczko was delicious - just like when he first tried it at a party in his second year of elementary school.

He remembered how in those distant years his classmate, Dima Kurnosov, the fat as a barrel sonnie of the head of the military-industrial complex from Pet-el-burge, told him that it was not milk in the literal sense of the word, but simply yolks and whites with sugar. For little Narbulat, a revelation of this kind was so unexpected that he did not even immediately understand that it was true and for a long time thought that Dmitry was cruelly joking with him, but then, after surfing the Internet, he was convinced of the truth of his words.

"Well, are you drunk?" Ando asked him obsequiously. "I thought you didn't like my way of drinking tea."

"Everything is fine, bro, don't worry," Nar-Tai replied, "I'm already used to it. You better tell me, how are you doing with money? I heard about your business with one Kasakhian..."

"Oh!" the Joponese man raised his finger.

Having pronounced this, he looked like a man who had something very, very interesting to tell his interlocutor. And Nar-Tai tensed up, expecting to hear something that would make him forget that just that morning he had illegally made his way onto The Omen Ican-Pornugal airliner, from which he then jumped onto the territory of Jokyo. And Ando justified himself - he said:

"That's what I wanted to leave, so to speak, for dessert. And since we've already had some tea together," with these words he winked at his interlocutor, "I can tell you everything. So, I want to tell you in more detail about Jorge Osorio - my old friend, with whom I still keep in touch, since he helps me in hardware matters."

"What, what?" Nar-Tai didn't understand.

"Well, hardware, computers in general," Ando explained. "Jorge is the kind of person who can get components for any needs, and for free!"

Seeing the Kasakhian's elongated face, the Joponese hastened to explain:

"More precisely, not for free, but, as they say, a service for a service! I help him with the software, and he helps me with the hardware, got it?"

"Not really," replied Nar-Tai, who actually understood what his friend was talking about, but decided it was in his best interests to play dumb. "Does he have his own business? Or is he just helping you out of friendship - for free?"

"No," said Ando.

He seemed to be clearly disappointed by the lack of understanding and distrust of his words on the part of his interlocutor; apparently, he expected a completely different attitude towards this information from Nar-Tai.

The latter decided that perhaps he shouldn't have played the fool, but it was too late. Ando must have realized this from his expression and decided to take the final step, saying:

"Jorge is a man who can get anything. How he does it, I don't know, it's none of my business. But he can get anything. And if you want to meet him, let me know, I can arrange a meeting for you at any moment. And not just a meeting, but a real festival - with blackjack and whores... Just don't forget to repay him with kindness for kindness."

"What are you talking about?" Nar-Tai asked reasonably.

"Don't play dumb, buddy. It's obvious what people want. He'll give you some gimmicks and gizmos, and you'll install Windows for him or pay him for a website," said Ando, who was clearly pleased that he had managed to impress his interlocutor, and that he would no longer ask stupid questions like "how does he do it?"

But Nar-Tai still doubted the meaning of the Joponese man's words: he found the circumstance strange - if Jorge could get him any computer or gadget, then why was he asking for such strange, if not banal things like installing Windows?

But then he suddenly realized that Ando, speaking about Windows and websites, was simply generalizing, and in fact Jorge would ask him for much more complex things. And he decided that it was better not to ask unnecessary questions - especially such stupid and inappropriate ones in this situation...

"Well then, brother, let's go to this boss of yours," said Nar-Tai, getting up from his seat. "Otherwise, I've been sitting here with you for too long."

"First of all, he's not my boss," said Ando, also getting up from the couch, "just a friend. And secondly, you didn't understand what I told you here. I told you that I wanted to make you an offer, a very serious one, which should only be accepted after you see Jorge. And I can't do that until you ask him about it yourself. So go ahead, pick up your phone and call him, I'll give you the number."

Nar-Tai, obeying the metal that suddenly appeared in the Joponese man's voice, without further ado pulled out of his jeans pockets an Oppo mobile phone that had miraculously not turned into a pancake when it fell and opened WhoreApp.

Ando, without looking at him, began to read some mantras - or rather, he simply dictated Jorge Osorio's phone number, but since for some reason he decided to play a little at being a shaman of the Sukuma tribe, then for Nar-Tai this, in general, the most ordinary combination of numbers sounded like a real spell.

Finally, when the last number was dictated, Nar-Tai, exchanging meaningful glances with Ando, pressed the call button, feeling as if his heart was about to jump out of his chest...