Shuster commits suicide

At this time, Nar-Tai and his friend Ando were walking arm in arm through the night Pet-el-burge. Not long before, they had decided it would be best to leave the hospitable pine forest so that the two big shots could pluck each other's needles in private.

Of course, this wasn't meant to be taken literally. Obviously, this wasn't about actual pine trees, pine cones, and pine forests, but about Jorge Osorio, Deadend Graver, and the Pet-el-burge headquarters of the VRLJ corporation, which, in case you've forgotten all about the adventures of Asia Scallop and "Damien The Thorn", was involved in the creation of biological weapons, namely clone soldiers.

But at that moment Nar-Tai and his Joponese friend were too busy with their own thoughts to pay attention to such trifles as etiquette or propriety - so their gait was a little strange: both of our old acquaintances moved their legs with the speed of the turtle Tortilla from the cartoon "Buratino", walking to his secluded place in the depths of the swamp...

But no! That would have been too much, even with all the desire to offend the feelings of the honorable gentlemen. They simply looked bad, which was not at all surprising after half an hour of non-stop gossip in the company of Jorge Osorio and Colonel Deadend Graver.

Now the fact that these two looked rather ridiculous next to each other was quite understandable due to the fact that if one of them was a superhero with steel skin and platinum bones, the other was a very ordinary mortal, who, in addition to everything else, wore a geeky-looking white coat over a strict suit, while his muscular friend was dressed in a discreet, but rather flashy (don't try to understand this) combination of a red short-sleeved shirt and stereotypical The Omen Ican jeans.

Generally speaking, our two acrobat brothers were so different from each other that it was unlikely that anyone could say for sure what their true relationship was; most likely, it remained a mystery to all who had the good fortune to see these two together.

Except maybe Colonel Deadend Graver and one other person in the universe, namely myself, because I am firmly confident in my relative opinion of Nar-Tai and Ando Minamoto.

I refer to my own person, Darry Madhouse, only because it seems appropriate to me to quote here the late Professor Trottelreiner concerning my own inner world.

Although no, my little green friend, this is clearly not what you expect from me, so I'll better save this quote for a more appropriate occasion, for example, to show it off in the comments under my work, but for now let's pretend that I didn't break any fourth wall and didn't try to address you directly, okay, my little green friend?

So, Nar-Tai and Ando were walking slowly up the street, admiring the views of the night Pet-el-burge, when suddenly their attention was drawn to a certain man who was lying by the wall not far from the entrance to a certain restaurant with a very unusual name "Born Speleologist", and the pose of his body indicated very serious alcohol intoxication, the so-called "delirium tremens" - although he himself would have claimed the opposite, if he had been able to string together at least two words now, but since he was sitting motionless, leaning his back against the wall and spreading his arms and legs to the sides, Nar-Tai and Ando decided that he was either dead drunk or dead dead, forgive the tautology.

They came closer and saw that there was a distinct black spot on the asphalt under the subject's feet.

Coming even closer - so close that they smelled a rather nasty smell - the friends finally realized that it was a puddle of liquid, and not blood, as it seemed from afar, but...

"Urine," Nar-Tai said quietly.

"Yes, it's me," came the reply.

Both of our friends stepped back, looking at each other with a mixture of horror and surprise - like, who said that? And then they both burst out laughing: after all, it was the voice of that same drunkard who was now lying in front of them!

They looked at him more closely and noticed something strange about his appearance. He was wearing some strange pants made of rough fabric of an indefinite color, which was very, very close to the color of shit in a village toilet.

The upper part of the stranger's body was hidden under a black cloak like those that maniacs love to show off on movie screens, only in this case, underneath it was not the brutal vest of the same color that Nar-Tai and Ando expected, but simply some kind of crumpled and sweat-soaked white office shirt with unbuttoned buttons.

They could not see the stranger's eyes, because his face was hidden in the shadow of a black hat with huge brims, but judging by the fact that the overall impression he created was generally quite positive, he was a middle-aged man, certainly no older than thirty.

While our friends were looking at him, he suddenly raised his head and looked at them. And then Ando recoiled from him in horror - the thing is, he saw that the stranger had red eyes that glowed in the darkness!

"Vampire!" the Joponese man screamed, and his hand automatically reached for his left trouser pocket.

However, a merry laugh that suddenly came from under the hat made him stop. The stranger, still laughing, found the strength to raise his right hand from the ground and with its help pull the hat off his head.

Now it was Nar-Tai's turn to be surprised, because he immediately realized that the drunkard who had pissed himself in a half-reclining position was none other than...

"Dmitry! Dmitry Kurnosov!" Nar-Tai exclaimed joyfully and, not paying attention to the puddle of urine in which the alakash was sitting, rushed towards him to embrace him.

"Why, that's Tairymbayev!" Dmitry Kurnosov didn't remain in debt, "And I thought that I suddenly saw on the streets my dear Pet-el-burge friend from my distant childhood, spent by me in sunny Alma-Thou?! And who is this pussy-eyed one with whom you approached me?"

The last words concerned Ando Minamoto, who, having heard a far from flattering definition from the lips of a person who was a complete stranger to him, was ready to lose his temper and count all the ribs of the person who insulted him, but the steel hand of Nar-Tai immediately stopped these reckless actions, grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and shaking him a couple of times, like a kitten that had pissed in his slippers.

And only then did the little Joponese boy realize the futility of his behavior and wilted. Nar-Tai, ignoring him, continued to attack his former classmate with questions.

"Why are your eyes so red? Did you install Linux on your computer?" Nar-Tai asked him, looking into his red and glowing eyes.

Dmitry Kurnosov, without answering the question, suddenly opened his eyes wide for no apparent reason. Nar-Tai turned around reflexively, thinking that he had seen something out of the ordinary, but seeing nothing worthy of attention behind him - not counting, of course, the barracks gates - he immediately turned back.

He saw how Dmitry Kurnosov, who was still sitting in a puddle of his own urine, pulled down the lower eyelid of his right eye with the middle finger of his left hand, then put the nail of his right index finger on the lower edge of his eye and moved it down.

And before the stunned eyes of Nar-Tai and Ando something opened up that they had never expected to see. Dmitry Kurnosov's right eye instantly acquired a healthy look and winked playfully at both of them.

Nar-Tai, still not understanding what had happened, looked down and saw that in the palm of his former classmate was a small red translucent object, fourteen millimeters in diameter. It was...

"A lens. Nothing personal, just a contact lens!" Dmitry Kurnosov said cheerfully, "I made it myself. What did you think? I don't just live in this city. I have training here, The Blood Polygon, all that stuff, you know? And you say Linux... I would never install it on my computer, even under threat of death! LINUX IS FOR LAMERS! Any computer geek will tell you that! ALL THE SENSE GUYS USE WINDOWS! Oh well, we'll talk about it later, some other time...

Nar-Tai, without saying a word, watched as Dmitry Kurnosov, stopping his monologue, again opened his eyes wide and, carefully pressing his upper eyelashes with the index finger of his left hand, pulled down his lower eyelid with the middle finger of his right hand and, lifting his head up, brought the index finger of the same hand to his eye and carefully placed a small object on the white part of his eye, after which he immediately looked down at his feet and, not paying attention to the fact that there was a puddle of urine right under his nose, finally took his hands away from his eye and began blinking uncontrollably, closing and massaging his eyelid.

And when he finally tore his gaze away from the puddle between his feet, Nar-Tai and Ando saw that his left eye was once again glowing in the darkness, like the eye of a vampire or a ghoul. And this eye wasn't just red - it seemed to glow from within, as if a small flame were burning within it.

Nar-Tai and Ando simultaneously looked at each other with horror: they realized that this was not just a lens, but a lens that was an integral part of Dmitry Kurnosov's current appearance!!! It was simply terrible.

But what was even more terrible was that they couldn't understand how he had come to such a life, and if it had turned out that the reason for the drunk's madness was a magical compact disc made by the video game master Monolith Productions several decades ago... Oh, sorry, I couldn't resist referring to "Holeraiser", heh-heh!

Be that as it may, it was too much. Nar-Tai and Ando, without any further discussion, were about to leave this place, but Dmitry Kurnosov's cry, heard from behind them, made them both turn around.

"Guys! Why are you leaving your friend on the street when he's drunk, pissed himself, and in general not in the condition for everything to be "sweetest"?" Dmitry Kurnosov said with some strange intonation. "And I, in fact, got into trouble, ran away from the barracks without jerking off or resting!"

Ando, who was still upset with the guy for calling him "pussy-eyed", frowned and, trying to stay as far away as possible from the drunk who continued to sit in a puddle of his own urine, said to him:

"Listen carefully... If we don't find you here sober in five minutes, you can consider your life over forever!"

"You, pussy-eyed, want miracles from me," Dmitry Kurnosov responded peacefully to this evil remark. "Where have you ever seen a person sober up in five minutes? Have you ever had a drink in your life? There is no such person among living people! Got it?"

"I drank, I drank, I'm a complete alcoholic," Ando hissed through his teeth. "Just not beer, but port."

"You're going to drink my piss now if you don't take back what you said five minutes ago!" Dmitry Kurnosov suddenly yelled."

Nar-Tai, realizing that a squabble on the topic of alcoholic drinks would not lead to anything good, repeated the same "pissing kitten" operation with Ando in order to bring the Joponese man to his senses in this way.

And when he put Ando on his feet, he was no longer burning with desire to punch Dmitry Kurnosov in the face. He only said:

"Okay, okay, I agree," and without waiting for a response from Nar-Tai or Dmitry Kurnosov to his words, he turned his back to both of them and walked away.

Nar-Tai waved his hand at his Joponese friend and turned to Dmitry Kurnosov, who at that time was trying to get up from the asphalt, but his ass kept sliding in a puddle of urine and so he was floundering on the ground like a complete fool.

Nar-Tai had to hold his nose with his left hand, grab his former classmate by the collar of his black cloak with his right hand and lift him off the ground. When he did this, Dmitry Kurnosov finally looked like a man, not a drunkard.

"Thank you, bro," he thanked Nar-Tai, trying to shake the drops of urine off his brown pants, but it was pointless because he had pissed all over them.

Nar-Tai, who continued to hold his nose with his left hand, did not even think of saying anything to him in response to his gratitude, but simply turned his back to him and rushed to catch up with Ando, who had almost disappeared around the corner.

Dmitry Kurnosov, not paying attention to the fact that his pants were wet with urine, quickly followed him, not understanding where his feet were taking him. He walked along the street, not seeing anything around him and thinking only about not losing sight of Nar-Tai and Ando.

The latter had already caught up with each other by this time and were silently heading forward, and, hilariously, they didn't know where to go either! Words couldn't describe what was going on in their heads - their complete ignorance of what the hell they needed to do brought the situation to the point of absurdity.

And only when Dmitry Kurnosov finally caught up with them near some house built in the Art Nouveau style, Nar-Tai and Ando, smelling the aromas of his piss-stained trousers, abruptly stopped in their tracks and turned to him, and while Nar-Tai's face expressed concern, the Joponese man showed with his whole appearance that he was disgusted when a drunkard in piss-stained trousers and with red glowing eyes was chasing him.

"Dmitry, you're an idiot!" the Joponese man was the first to speak up. "Are you fucking nuts, running after us in your piss-stained pants?"

"Are you fucking nuts too?" Dmitry Kurnosov answered good-naturedly. "I'm just going home to change!"

"Home, you say?" Ando looked at him suspiciously. "Then why did you follow us, my dear?"

"Because you, blockheads, are going in the same direction as me!" Dmitry Kurnosov blurted out proudly.

Nar-Tai, who had been playing the role of a silent witness during this constructive exchange, suddenly realized that this was the moment of truth.

He turned to the Joponese man and asked him:

"What do you think, should we go and visit him? Let's combine business with pleasure!" and, without waiting for the Joponese man's answer, he turned to his former classmate. "Don't be angry, Dmitry, but Ando and I can't leave you alone like this," and, to back up his words with evidence, he pointed to his piss-stained trousers.

Dmitry Kurnosov measured him with a glance, and a spark of understanding flashed in his eyes. He nodded his head:

"Okay, guys, follow me," and he went forward.

Nar-Tai and the Joponese followed him along the sidewalk towards his house. Dmitry Kurnosov walked ahead of them at a distance of ten meters, and Nar-Tai noticed that he was trying to stay in the shade of the trees, and on top of that, his gait had become too smooth for a drunk as hell man of about thirty.

He walked as if he hadn't been lying in a puddle of his own urine a few minutes ago, which Nar-Tai found very, VERY suspicious.

He even thought that hypnosis was probably involved. And when they finally approached his former classmate's house and he began to open the door with his key, Nar-Tai no longer had any doubts that Dmitry Kurnosov was clearly in some kind of trance.

And if he had had some doubts about this before, now they disappeared completely, because he saw how his former classmate, without taking off his shoes, walked straight down the corridor to his room and disappeared behind the door.

A minute later he came out of there already in new pants, which no longer stank of urine, but in all other respects they were identical to the previous ones. Nar-Tai and Ando were already glad that at least they would not have to hold their noses while communicating with the owner of the apartment.

But when they entered the dining room and sat down at the table, Nar-Tai realized that whatever had happened to Dmitry Kurnosov in his room in such a short time as one minute, and no matter how he behaved, he was actually under hypnosis!

He was in a trance, and it was evident in his eyes, in which even behind the red contact lenses it was noticeable that the spark of mischief that was so characteristic of Dmitry Kurnosov in his normal state no longer burned.

Nar-Tai didn't know for sure whether the hypnosis had also affected him, or whether it only seemed that way to him, but he could say one thing for sure: in the room behind the locked doors, Dmitry Kurnosov did anything but put on new pants.

It was much more likely that he had simply traveled back in time to a time when he was not yet in piss-stained pants, and when Dmitry Kurnosov came out into the corridor to him and Ando, it was not the Dmitry Kurnosov they had met then at the Born Speleologist restaurant sitting in a puddle of his own urine, but the Dmitry Kurnosov who, in general, had not yet managed to step into a puddle of his own urine at the "Born Speleologist" restaurant, and had taken place if not a day ago, then certainly in the morning.

This was supported by the fact that if that Dmitry Kurnosov, who ran after them in piss-stained trousers and then walked them to his apartment, was dead drunk and not a fool to chat, then that Dmitry Kurnosov, who came out of his room to them in un-piss-stained trousers and was now sitting with them at the same table, was on the contrary as sober as a microscope slide and behaved somehow dryly and during the entire meal did not utter a word, not even such inevitable interjections during dinner as "Awesome gravy", "Give me salt, moron!" and "Fuck, it's hot!"

In general, Nar-Tai already understood that a completely different Dmitry Kurnosov was sitting in front of him - namely, the Dmitry Kurnosov from last morning, and not from this present evening.

And it was both scary and strange. Or rather strange - after all, what's scary about a sober, albeit silent, man of about thirty? Not some Alien!

But, on the other hand, what could be stranger than a person who, having managed to go into his room for one single minute, immediately wash, dry and put on his pants and still manage to sober up?

And if that's true, then what the hell happened to Dmitry Kurnosov in his room? And what was this strange hypnosis that he had transferred with him from the past to the present? Nar-Tai didn't know.

And he thought that he would never know, because as soon as he thought about it - and even before it came into his head! - Dmitry Kurnosov suddenly jumped up from his chair and rushed to the door leading to the balcony.

Having reached it, he opened it, went out onto the balcony and began to look down. Nar-Tai and Ando exchanged glances - they understood each other without words: Dmitry Kurnosov was in a trance so deep or even simply unconscious that he could not see anything around him. But he did not seem to notice this. He stood on the balcony and looked down - into the darkness outside the window.

Nar-Tai even thought that he had seen some irresistibly beautiful chick down below - well, at least Asia Vieira, with whom his friend Ando Minamoto was in love - but he didn't have time to finish his thought, because Dmitry Kurnosov suddenly turned to them and, giving each of them a strange look full of sadness and regret, immediately turned his back on them and completely unexpectedly jumped down.

Nar-Tai jumped up before the Joponese man, who opened his mouth in horror, and immediately rushed to the balcony, but it was too late - Dmitry Kurnosov was already lying on the asphalt, and his brains, which looked like a huge walnut, fell out of his skull, which had burst like a chicken egg.

In words, this combination of food products sounds quite appetizing, but in reality - not at all! Especially if you know that these words were used as synonyms, because it is obvious that a human skull is not a chicken egg, and that brains are not nuts!

Although, the author of these lines had the pleasure of communicating with individuals who, upon closer acquaintance with them, it turned out that if there was not shit in their craniums, then certainly a couple of tiny walnuts!

And she, that is, I, am even sure that she, that is, my, has a sister by gender (that's how she put it!), whom you, my little green friend, had the pleasure of seeing in The Fourth Omen, and, who knows, even jerked off to on the sly, or rather not to her herself, but to the faggot who played her, well, you know who I mean.

In short, this cunt has a rotten, shriveled, and completely inedible tiny walnut rolling back and forth in its head, surrounded by long black hair, instead of a brain!

Why is this so - the author, that is, me, will not explain, because you yourself, my little green friend, must figure out with your sperm-filled brain why things are exactly this way and not any other way! Okay, that's not the point.