How Love Led a Soldier to Prison

Nar-Tai did not immediately understand that the last words spoken by the young man were not an excerpt from the text that he had peeked over Anton Skovorodnikov's shoulder a year ago, but his own remark in the style of "well, that's enough."

And so, after twitching his whole body for just a second, he immediately pulled himself together and calmly said:

"What kind of nonsense is this?"

The young man, who, having rattled off without hesitation the text he had learned by heart, returned his face to a meaningful expression and, looking at his interlocutor with his dark slanted eyes, answered in a cheerful tone:

"Yes, Mister Tairymbayev, you are right in that you characterized what you just heard with such an appropriate word here as "nonsense," he said. "But I would consider it my duty to apply another term in this situation - "graphomania", because it was the freak of the sick imagination of a graphomaniac, which, as you probably already understood, was Private Anton Skovorodnikov. And graphomania is mostly nonsense, so we will consider these words synonyms, if you like. WILL YOU?" Tai Minamoto raised his head and said louder than he should have.

"As you wish, as you wish, very suitable indeed," Nar-Tai nodded in response, catching himself thinking that he was speaking too quickly; apparently the nervous tension of the last hours, which were his first hours of wakefulness in the twenty years he had spent in suspended animation, was taking its toll.

The young man smiled at Nar-Tai and continued his story in the voice of a television announcer from the late Soviet era.

"In general, what I just read to you from my memory was the only thing that Private Skovorodnikov managed to type in the "AVlivro Ficwriter" window at that moment. Then, of course, he wrote a whole sheet of nonsense, but that was after I first caught him doing this shameful thing. And at that moment, he only had this single paragraph typed, and that's it... I don't even know how he even got the idea to write such crap? After all, if any of our officers had read it on his laptop, he would have been guaranteed a week in solitary confinement, or maybe he would have been sentenced to death."

"What, do you still use such barbaric methods?" Nar-Tai didn't believe the young man's last words.

"No!" Tai Minamoto blurted out in his heart. "I said that to create drama."

"I would advise you to stick to the truth and only the truth when talking to me," Nar-Tai considered it necessary to warn him, "since you yourself know that I spent twenty years in hibernation and that I know nothing about what is happening in the world now. And if you hang noodles on my ears, you may end up being the first person in the Universe to walk around the city without a head... Oh well, we'll talk about this later - time is money! Now we need to finally put an end to this story of yours about Private Skovorodnikov, otherwise should I sit in this little room forever? - with these words, Nar-Tai shook his head, as if trying to demonstrate to his interlocutor the full depth of his contempt for lies, or at least a small part of them."

Tai Minamoto nodded and returned to his story.

"In general, having seen this nonsense text that Anton Skovorodnikov typed in "AVlivro Ficwriter", I immediately understood: something was fishy here, and it seriously smelled of kerosene! But what brand it was exactly that stank of remained a mystery to me until I asked Private Skovorodnikov; apparently my mind simply refused to take seriously the picture of what was happening that had already begun to take shape in my head, at the center of which was that ill-fated movie session in the closet, where a soldier nicknamed "Kuplinov" was ripping off one and a half thousand rubles from his snout and in exchange showing his fellow soldiers films that were projected on a projection screen he had stolen somewhere. At that moment, I simply was not ready to believe that this essentially ridiculous scam and the nonsense text typed by Private Skovorodnikov could somehow be connected. I couldn't until I received confirmation from the lips of the hero of the occasion himself. Although even then it was difficult for me to fully accept his words as the truth - they were too similar to the schizophrenic babble of a madman."

"Listen, my dear," Nar-Tai hurried him again, "are you planning to tell me about what was happening at that moment with Anton Skovorodnikov, or have you decided to read me a lecture of your own composition on the subject of the mental health of the average representative of the Union of Indestructible Nations army? What is this, Antichrist forgive me, constant digressions from the topic? Can you clearly explain the essence of the matter to me, and not get distracted every time any subject is mentioned? I can misunderstand you... And not only me, by the way!" said Nar-Tai, meaning you, yes, my little green friend, you specifically, he-he!

The young man blushed under the gaze of his interlocutor, and he, seeing this embarrassment of his young friend - or rather, the sonnie of his old friend - said:

"Come on, don't be embarrassed. I was just joking. Go on and on, as long as you like."

Tai Minamoto immediately smiled in response to the warm words and, as if apologizing for his lack of restraint and forgetfulness regarding the topic of conversation - or perhaps simply wanting to show Nar-Tai his affection for him - continued:

"In general, when I read this text, standing right behind him, I realized that he was not just crazy. He was crazy squared! I even thought about reporting him to our staff doctor, but then I remembered that for some reason no one wanted to take the vacant position, which was previously occupied by the honorable Albertas Vislovdovichus - apparently because civilian doctors were afraid of the army like the Antichrists fears incense - I threw this thought away and, standing on tiptoe again, quietly walked around Anton Skovorodnikov and, standing in front of him, so to speak, face to face - although the latter was debatable, since he continued to stubbornly stare at the screen of his laptop - in a loud commanding voice I asked him why the hell he was not in the canteen, when according to the regulations he should be there?! "Oh, Mister Tairymbayev," the young man couldn't help but turn to his interlocutor, "you should have seen his face! When I barked at him like that, imitating the late Colonel Deadend Graver, this private jumped up so funny right there, as if someone had stuck an awl up his ass!"

And, unable to bear it, Tai Minamoto grabbed his stomach and burst into laughter. Nar-Tai also did not remain in debt, and they both laughed heartily at the memory of how a soldier who was over thirty, being caught off guard in the shameful for such a brute occupation as writing a graphomaniac nonsense text, behaved like a teenager who was caught by his parents jerking off to hentai.

Having laughed heartily, the young man exhaled and returned to his story:

"In short, he jumped up on the spot and stared at me, as if I were not a person, but some kind of ghost. However, I was not sure about the latter, because his right hand reached for the pistol lying on the bench. But since he still had the laptop on his lap, he did not have time to do anything except immediately stop trying to reach for the weapon, when I told him in a commanding tone: "For an attempt on the life of a superior officer - execution!"

"You do like, my dear, to scare your soldiers with executions," Nar-Tai shook his head.

"But then they become like silk!" the young man stuck out his chest like a wheel. "In any case, when I threatened him with execution, he immediately forgot about the gun and began to look me in the face, and at the same time he tried to close his laptop, but out of fear or excitement he only started to break it for no reason. By the way, he didn't break it, but cracks appeared here and there... But this is not the topic of my story; let's go back to my dialogue with Private Skovorodnikov. Noticing his maneuvers with the laptop, I ask him what he was trying to hide from his superiors. And do you know what he answered? You will never believe it! He, shaking all over with fear, said in a broken voice: "I... I, Mister Member of The Corporation Council, am writing fan fiction!" Of course, I immediately asked him what kind of animal he was. He answered me: "A short story, a short story based on a film, Mister Member of The Corporation Council!" I asked him, "What movie, Private Skovorodnikov?" and he said, "The one I watched two days ago at Kuplinov's!" Still not understanding the point, I said, "Why are you wasting your time with this bullshit, Private?" He immediately blushed, although he couldn't have blushed any more, and said, "I... I'm in love, Mister Corporation Council Member!" and he hid his eyes from me as if he were a five-year-old boy. I asked him humorously, "What, have you fallen in love with a movie, Private Skovorodnikov? You won't have kids from a movie, and you can't fuck movie in the ass!" And he suddenly straightened up in response to my question, blew his nose and answered, "No, Mister Corporation Council Member, not with a movie, but with an actress." And he told me a name that I no longer remember. More precisely, I remember the name, because it completely coincides with the continent on which you and I live, but the last name has slipped my mind. Either Whoreira or Vagineira, I already told you, Mister Tairymbayev," the young man said in a somewhat guilty tone.

Nar-Tai shook his head silently, and Tai Minamoto continued:

"In general, I got tired of interrogating this crazy soldier, so I told him then that if he took another walk around the parade ground when he should be in the mess hall, I would report his behavior to Colonel Boner Ghouler so that he would take measures against such a blatant violation of the clone soldier regulations, and at the same time, as a farewell, I warned him nicely to stop writing these "fantits" of his. I didn't see his face at that moment, since I turned my back to him, but I heard his angry growl. Not a man, Antichrist forgive me, but some kind of mad dog," Tai Minamoto laughed.

"Is that all?" Nar-Tai asked him as the young man burst into laughter.

"Everything, but not everything," the Joponese replied, when he had finally had his fill of fun. "I didn't see Private Skovorodnikov that day, because I was busy with other things, and in the following weeks or two or more, I simply had no time for the fucking suffering of some infantile soldier. And only a month later I caught him off guard again at the scene of the crime. It happened like this, Mister Tairymbayev. I was walking through the barracks, where all our soldiers had already taken their beds in the evening, and I passed by one of them - Anton Skovorodnikov, of course - and saw that he was again buried in his laptop, only now some kind of cacophony was screaming from its speakers - as if a cat had run across a piano. And then I saw that his hands were running across the keyboard so fast. I came closer and finally realized what Private Skovorodnikov was doing - he opened some program on his laptop, like a virtual synthesizer, and was playing with it. I immediately barked at him, saying, what the fuck is he doing! And again, just like that morning on the parade ground, he jumped up on his bunk and stared at me. "I write music, Mister Member of The Corporation Council." I said to him, "Are you a musician or a soldier, Private Skovorodnikov?", and he said, "Sorry, Mister Member of The Corporation Council, I'm not a musician, I just... Did it out of love," he suddenly blurted out after a pause. Of course, I was stunned by this and said, "What? That movie again?" And he didn't say anything, he just nodded to me, and again he turned red as a boiled lobster. And he smiled like an idiot."

"A face of the first kind, yes?" asked Nar-Tai, who was listening attentively to the story.

"Well, yeah," Tai Minamoto nodded. 2He fell in love, the dumb asshole, and grinned like an idiot. It's natural for everyone, not just clone soldiers."

"And what happened next?" Nar-Tai urged him.

"That evening, that's how it all ended," the young man continued his story. "Only a week later did I catch him again in the act of shame."

"What, it's evening, barracks, laptop - it's all again?" Nar-Tai winked at him slyly.

"Yes, Mister Tairymbayev, you are literally reading my mind!" the young man exclaimed with feigned surprise. "Yes, it's all the same pattern. Well, how else could a story that took place not in real life, but on the Internet, have developed?"

Nar-Tai nodded in understanding, and Tai Minamoto continued:

"A week later I caught him on his laptop again, but he was doing something completely new," said the young man. "I go up to him, look at the screen, and there - Antichrist save all us! - a naked chick, her legs spread wide and her cunt shining at me. At first I thought my soldier was just watching porn, but no - I see he's moving the mouse back and forth, and more and more details are appearing on the chick. Sometimes the sperm that leaked out of her cunt suddenly appears, sometimes her pubis is suddenly covered with hair..."

"So, this Anton Skovorodnikov of yours was the one who drew?" Nar-Tai smiled.

"Definitely!" exclaimed the young man. "He was creating pornographic materials! Or at least editing them, but according to the laws it's all the same! I'm still surprised why I didn't rush to Colonel Boner Ghouler with an immediate report on Private Skovorodnikov. I think that my desire to get to the bottom of it myself played a role in this. But still, you must admit, it was too much. I didn't even say anything to this Anton Skovorodnikov - I just turned around and, clenching my fists in impotent rage, walked out of the barracks into the fresh air."

"Why are you so upset, my dear?" Nar-Tai couldn't help but ask.

"Because before my eyes, one of our clone soldiers, who are the pride of Jorge Osorio and all the other bosses, sold out to the rotten ideals of the West!" the young man exclaimed angrily. "There is no sex in the Union of Indestructible Nations, don't you understand that?"

"Well, yes, well, the stork brings us children, and before that our Party hands them over to the stork," Nar-Tai chuckled, but the young man didn't listen to him.

"And then suddenly, right before my eyes, a private is doing THIS right in the barracks..." Tai Minamoto continued. "I, Mister Tairymbayev, was very, VERY upset! And then... Then, as chemists say, a reaction occurred."

"What, the same old routine again - the night, the pharmacy, the street, that is, ugh," Nar-Tai corrected himself, "evening, barracks, laptop with porn?"

"What the hell laptop?" the young man suddenly got angry. "By that time, this Internet-laptop period was already over."

"By analogy with a candy-bouquet, you mean?" Nar-Tai winked at Tai Minamoto.

"You could say that!" the Joponese man waved his hands. "Anyway, a week passed after that incident, and one day, when I was in the kitchen, where Private Skovorodnikov had just received an assignment out of turn, he, peeling potatoes for the guys for dinner, suddenly comes up to me all covered in potato peelings and says: "Mister Corporate Council Member, I'm flying to Analda." And it struck me like a thunderbolt: "What are you saying, Private Skovorodnikov? What the fuck Analda?" "To Fuckonto, Mister Corporate Council Member, I'm going to my beloved." And I immediately realized - that's it, the guy is lost, that ill-fated "Omen IV: The Awakening" drove him to the grave. I remember I started cursing him for no reason, but he didn't listen to me, and stood there in front of me in an apron with potato peelings stuck to it."

"Well, the joke is funny, but the situation is terrible," Nar-Tai couldn't help but comment.

"Well, after that, the next day Anton Skovorodnikov disappeared without a trace, - the young man continued with some sadness in his voice. - Our entire superiors were run off their feet, rushing around the barracks and looking for him, but all in vain. After interrogating the soldiers, we managed to find out that they had seen Anton the day before packing his meager belongings, calculating something on his laptop, cursing and finally, getting up at the crack of dawn, with a knapsack over his shoulders, walking out of the barracks gates and that was the last they saw of him. Boner Ghouler, of course, ordered a combing of the entire area, but when the inspection of the nearby houses showed everyone the fig, someone suddenly got the idea to find out at the airport who had recently left our country on an airliner. Well, only then did we manage to find out that in fact, that morning a certain passenger Skovorodnikov Anton Andreevich had flown to Fuckonto, Analda, and that was it."

"What do you mean "and that's it"?" Nar-Tai didn't understand.

"This means that everyone immediately gave up on the deserter and traitor to the motherland," said the young man. "Only I knew the true reason for the act of Private Skovorodnikov, because he himself honestly admitted it to me before committing this outrageous act. He was sure, the stupid idiot, that his beloved actress would meet him in her stinking Analda with open arms. No way! Upon arrival, he was immediately met at the airport by the police of the town of Fuckonto and immediately arrested as a citizen of the Union of Indestructible Nations and its soldier to boot - because this idiot forgot to change into civilian clothes, his brain was completely screwed by love. I feel sorry for the guy to the point of tears..." Tai Minamoto hung his head.

"Yes, it's a pity, I could have gone far if it weren't for "Omen IV: The Awakening," Nar-Tai said, half seriously, half humorously.

"Do you know what I would do with that bastard Kuplinov?" the Joponese suddenly shouted, unexpectedly for his interlocutor, jerking his whole body and clenching his fists.

"You don't have to explain," said Nar-Tai, who was not very impressed by the young man's outburst of anger.

"You're right," Tai Minamoto immediately calmed down, "besides, Boner Ghouler has already ordered that this movie house in the closet next to the toilet be liquidated."

"How so?" Nar-Tai asked the young man.

"The projection screen was returned to the lecture section for clone soldiers, from where this scoundrel, it turns out, stole it, and our "hero" took the entire collection of DVDs and the player back to his elderly mother's house under escort. You should have seen her face when a convoy of soldiers showed up at her apartment, leading her sonnie in front of them, carrying a box with all this stuff in his hands, and his own face was the face of a hunted animal!" and, unable to contain himself, the young man burst into laughter.

"You're a funny guy, I see," said Nar-Tai. "You punished a soldier and you're laughing about it."

"Oh, come on, Mister Tairymbayev," the young man tried to make excuses. "I just wanted to tell you how it all really happened. So that you wouldn't get it into your head that I shot that same Kuplinov. And I wanted, Antichrist is my witness, I wanted to put him on trial for the fact that with his lousy movie house with The Fourth Omen I brought the guy to a Analdian prison!" the Joponese man became angry again.

"Calm down, my friend," Nar-Tai began to calm him down. "I know who this Anton Skovorodnikov of yours has fallen in love with. And I give you my word of honor that together we will raze all these Whoreiras and Vagineiras to the ground! You'll see!"

"Really?" At these words of his interlocutor, the young man's eyes lit up with confidence.

"Honestly superhero!" Nar-Tai hit himself in the chest. "You like playing shooters, right?" he suddenly changed the subject to a completely unrelated topic.

"Of course!" the Joponese immediately perked up. "I spent my entire sunny, carefree Jokyo childhood playing Third Dhewm and Second LibreQuake! I cleared ALL levels of ALL monsters on ALL difficulty levels and found ALL secrets!"

"Yeah, and you probably also actively used ALL the cheat codes," Nar-Tai mimicked the young man.

"Well, yes, that was the case," Tai Minamoto answered, looking down. "But why did you ask me about this, Mister Tairymbayev?"

"Well, my dear," Nar-Tai began to explain, "I will give you a unique opportunity to try your hand at killing all this scum like Whoreiras, Vagineiras and other Damien Thorns and Alexander Yorks all together! - Nar-Tai hit himself on the knee. - You and I will do it simply - we will lure them to our territory and kill them from a helicopter!"

"FROM A HELICOPTER?!" the Joponese man cried. "Wow! I've dreamed of flying a helicopter my whole life!"

"And not only fly," Nar-Tai began to encourage him, "but also launch a couple of rockets straight at these whores and sluts!"

"OH YES-S-S-S!!!" Tai Minamoto almost squealed with delight. "I'll be only too happy to tear a couple of The Omen Icans to shreds!"

"Analdians, my friend, Analdians," Nar-Tai corrected his overly enthusiastic young friend. "Because what happened to Private Anton Skovorodnikov is not the fault of The Omen Icans, but the Analdians! More precisely, two Analdians - the whore Asia Scallop and her lover "Damien The Thorn"!"

Having pronounced these two names, Nar-Tai was surprised to see the Joponese man's face stretch out, and it seemed to him that he was about to scream in horror.

But this was a momentary confusion - the young man quickly pulled himself together and began to speak further, although there was a tremor in his voice:

"Mister Tairymbayev," he began in a suddenly serious tone, "I would like to say a few words about these two.

"Well, go ahead," Nar-Tai waved his hand.

"The thing is," continued Tai Minamoto, "these two were seen together yesterday evening at the Chickulak ski resort.

"Where is this, in my native Alma-Thou or something?" Nar-Tai was seriously surprised.

"Yes, Mister Tairymbayev," the young man nodded, "exactly there. I have every reason to believe that they are plotting some kind of operation against the Union of Indestructible Nations and the United Juzes of Kasakhia, which, I am sure, will lead to a leak of secret information and may ultimately lead both countries to mutual destruction..."

"Come on, don't be so dramatic," Nar-Tai reassured him. "It's unlikely to come to that, but still, tell me - if you know this so well, then why are these two walking around my homeland as if they were at home, and not writhing in dungeons?"

"Well..." Tai Minamoto looked down. "Everyone thought they were just tourists from Analda. The fact that they were actually dangerous enemy agents only became known when their photograph was shown to a certain person - well, it doesn't matter - and she immediately identified them as such.

"And when did this happen?" Nar-Tai jumped up from his bunk, already ready for action.

"Literally before I came to greet you upon awakening," Tai Minamoto lowered his eyes again.

"And why didn't you, young fool, report this to me right away?" Nar-Tai asked him, beside himself with anger.

"Well, you had only just woken up from a twenty-year sleep, so I thought that first you would be interested in hearing everything about everything, and about the details later..."

"Don't put anything off until later, remember this!" Nar-Tai shook his finger at him. "And now let's go to your daddy or to that, what's his name..."

"To Colonel Boner Ghouler?" the young man prompted him.

"Not to him, idiot!" Nar-Tai pulled him up. "To the head of the corporation, Jorge Osorio!" and, after a pause, added:

"Although this ghoul can also be invited to the picnic - a military man who thinks with his muscles alone won't hurt us."

And, winking at the young man, Nar-Tai shook his head from side to side. The young man, realizing what he was looking for, immediately said:

"Follow me, Mister Tairymbayev, I will share with you the extra clothes from my wardrobe."

And, without waiting for an answer from his adult interlocutor, the Joponese man opened the door and disappeared into the corridor, from where the muffled voices of soldiers' swearing cries could be heard.

After hesitating slightly - after all, he was only in his underwear - Nar-Tai followed Tai Minamoto out.