My 'Chasing Pavement' (1)

I am Lief Wang Blanc.

I have a childhood friend. Well, I can't say that he is my 'childhood friend' because we grew up in a different place since I'm from Elder Wood village while he's from Emerald Mountain Village. Though, as we grew up, especially when we went back to my mother's motherland to visit our relatives, we played a little when we were young. 

When I was in eleventh grade in my senior high school and I was just 17 at that time, we saw each other again and mingled together with my other cousins because it's the wedding of my big sister. A cousin of mine from my mother's side which was held in Emerald Mountain Village. 

That night, we laughed. We drink. We enjoyed the moment. What a beautiful night that is. It's just that, to my surprise, he took the initiative to invite me for a dance. Yohan Milton.

I am-----surprised. And----yeah----- happy.

I'm happy that Yohan still offered me for a dance since I'm having an inferiority complex about myself.

Truthfully, I am fat, around 60 kilograms. I just have fair skin but I'm not beautiful, just an average looking one. In my young age, I am bigger than my peers. That makes me look down on myself more. Add the fact that I'm already so down at myself as I have a trauma because of the car accident of my younger sister as I witness how she died.

I know, I am the reason why she died, I didn't take care of her anymore. I really blamed myself for what happened. The car accident happened when I'm on my 2nd grade in my elementary days and she's still kinder that time. Even my parents, in their drunken state, they blamed me, face to face, separately. 

My little heart started to break at that time.

I closed myself as I just can't move on. This still haunts me now.

Yeah.

I'm fucking doomed.

Fucking ruined already.

When I'm attending school, I didn't change. Instead, it worsened as my classmates didn't like me. I don't understand as I just do nothing and am only minding myself. I didn't even offend them as far as I remember. From grade 7 to Grade 10, it always happened.

They all bullied me.

They hated me for no reason.

So, I grew hate for them. Except for those who are true to me and accept me a little. They became my friends, even though most of them were all boys. I'm so happy about that.

In my young age, I have so many problems already.

Really doomed!! 

Back to the story, during my cousin's wedding. After the wedding, our escapades continue. We continued drinking together with my other 2 cousins, Mar Wang and Brenely Wang. I'm so happy at that time. I feel accepted. 

One night, we just finished our one of those, 'drinking sessions'. After we drink, I'm still sober even though I drank a lot. Currently, we're going to go home already.

Truthfully, I have known that I have a big tolerance for drinking alcohol since I was a child. I grew up in an environment where my father is a drunkard. Whenever they have their own session, he lets me drink a shot of alcohol, to let me taste. Starting that moment, unknowingly, I was trained slowly until I grew up.

When we went home, I was with Yohan because on my way home, coincidentally, intercepted him. So, we walk with each other. It's only natural for us to walk in the same direction. When we reach the house of my grandmother that I am currently living in because sadly, we have no house in there, so, when we go on vacation in Emerald Mountain Village, we just live at my grandma's house. To my surprised--

"Where's my good night kiss?" Yohan asks jokingly.

It was like I was possessed, only stoned there. Maybe I was already enchanted by the magic of the alcohol, 

"Hahahaha. Maybe you can come here." I said teasingly at him while smiling.

I saw that he was surprised, "You sure?"

I just nodded, before I could go back to my words.

After a while of being dazed there, Yohan slowly walked through me. When he was already in front of me, he asked again, "Lief, you sure?" 

I nodded again. Before I could say a thing, he kissed me right through my lips.

At that time, I said to myself, 'So, this is what kissing is like.'

This is my first kiss, truthfully. Yeah. I admit, even if I am a girl, I'm starting to get interested in porn. What is it? How would it be? How would I feel if I was the one doing it? What would happen to me?

In short, I don't know how to respond, so I just go with the flow.

Maybe, after Yohan was already satisfied with kissing me, he stopped. Then he stared at me. Of course, Am I going to give up? Of course not. I look back at him too, eye to eye. We just stare at each other. We didn't even say a thing.

It surprised me, because he kissed me again. The kiss is so intense and I can't endure the intensity of the kiss. When I couldn't hold on, I held him on his shoulder. I know he was surprised too because of how I acted as I felt that he suddenly held my waist tightly. Caging me from within his body. The heat that is coming from his body is so hot, it's burning me.

I know it's my fault as I take the initiative. Yohan really attracted me. This started when he caught my attention at the wedding as we don't have any further interaction with each other before. I admit. He already caught my eyes.

When Yohan can't catch his breath, he stops. But he keeps kissing me. Again, and again. One of the kisses we shared, as I was being passive and started to respond to him, our kiss deepens into a French kiss. Lips to lips. Teeth to teeth. Tongue to tongue. We didn't stop. We just kissed there until I felt that he guided me to the comfort room there.

Our comfort room at that time, is styled to be apart from our main house. I just compiled because truthfully, I'm enjoying the moment. 

There, we keep kissing. But I stopped him suddenly, "What if I got pregnant?"

He smiled at me, "Don't worry."

Then he kissed me again.

We kept kissing, even when I heard him close the door and lock it, I didn't notice it as I was dazed. After he locked the door, he pulled me close and kept kissing me until I felt his hand start to wander as he held me. Then, he started to unbutton my pants and pulled my pants downwards and started caressing my legs up to my lovely spot.

I was so shy at that time due to the fact that, at my age, my hormones had already started to change and my hair was already grown there. Shaving was not a part of my vocabulary at that time. But even so, he continued to hold that part. He played with it even. After he was satisfied and I felt that I'm so wet already down there, he guided me and bent me, my back facing him.

Without further ado, he entered me. I was startled at the moment because I felt the slight pain. I bit my lips because I didn't want to utter any sounds. But I guessed with his drunkenness, he pulled his core unexpectedly after the one time that his little baby entered my cave, that didn't happen again. Though his thrust didn't stop it was just rubbing in between my legs. I felt that it still gave him pleasure as I heard his breathing.

He tried to penetrate me again but he just couldn't.

At that time, I wanted it, but I also couldn't.

I guessed, despite whatever his feelings, Yohan noticed my reaction of being absent minded so he stopped and just held me as we continued to catch our breath. He didn't kiss, touch me or try to do anything else. He's just purely, hugging me there. 

After a moment, I heard his raspy voice.

"Hahaha. Don't worry, I won't do anything."

I just keep silent.

I don't want to interrupt that hot moment but I just can't. I had the urge to say no and stop what he was doing. There's so much of my rationality strikes.

With a deep laugh again, he held my hand and led me out of the comfort room as he caged me on the wall of the house. As I lean on the wall, Yohan kisses me again. As usual, even though I don't know how to kiss, I responded.

After a while of kissing, "It's time for me to say goodbye."

"Hmm. . . "

He stared at me deeply, then after a while of silence he said his goodbye again and he turned his back and proceeded to go home. Without stopping.

I also didn't stop him. I just leaned on the wall, staring at where he vanished and I couldn't see his silhouette.

I, myself, can't fathom what I'm feeling at that moment.

When I'm sure that I composed myself, I went in through the house. I went directly to my bedroom.

Thank God my grandmother is already asleep. Because for sure, when she's still awake, she's going to question me, non-stop. I didn't want that. I felt so tired at that time. Both mentally and physically.

When I reach the room that I'm staying in, I lay on the bed. While lying, I still felt the heat from him.

I felt like he was still right beside me, caging me from within his hug. I signed with mixed emotion. With the different feelings that I am feeling that night, sleepiness consumes me as I slowly feel the drowsiness of the alcohol that I've drunk.

The day before what happened, when I woke up, I just lay there for a moment. The scene before, slowly sank into me. I feel ashamed but also a little bit of excitement. I also have the feeling of eagerness in seeing him again. Because what I believe is that maybe his feelings for me are getting a bit closer. In other words, we're a bit close now.

At that moment, I remembered that there's a small festival that Emerald Mountain Village will hold that very night. But when we went to the place where the festival was being held, I didn't see him. Even the silhouette of Yohan Milton, nothing.

My mood dampens. I lost my courage. I guessed. He didn't remember what happened. The next day, in the early morning, I left.

I went back to Elder Wood with a very disheartened mood. When I'm riding the bus to my hometown, I'm just literally gazing at the window, just watching the scenery while listening to some music. My thoughts are unknown. I didn't think of anything. I was just simply in a daze.

Unconsciously, as I really didn't feel it, I just found out that when I wipe it, tears slowly fall down from my eyes.

I am being myself again. The me who is easily crying no matter the emotions I am feeling. 

That time, I didn't know that what I felt was already a heartache.

Days passed. I still can't seem to move on. Yeah!! I kind of took the initiative. I should've agreed to that goodbye kiss,but--- I can't forget. The scene keeps repeating in my mind.

My cousin, Brenely, who was with us during that time, mentioned to me that Yohan already has a girlfriend.

My heart broke even more. Unconsciously.

He already has a girlfriend.

Acting as I'm okay, I keep responding to Brenely. Going in the flow throughout our conversation. I even only listen to him when she complains about Yohan's girlfriend.

But what can I do? I thought. I'm not a bad woman. So, why would I ruin a relationship that really has nothing going on between us? I don't want to break their relationship. I don't want to be the reason for their separation.

One day, while we're still in our summer break, while I'm drying the clothes that I washed. I suddenly received a message from Yohan. The message asked how I did. Of course, I responded that I was okay. That small text continues.

I am happy. All the time. Every time during our conversation. He even joked that he wants to do it again, the thing that happened to us. I was flabbergasted because he remembered it. I only laughed at him and told him that he should be saying that to her girlfriend directly. 

But----

"Hahaha. She's different. I can't do that to her life. Of course, I respect her."

Those words wake me from my delusion. Like there's cold water that was splashing in me.

I'm hurt.

My chest tightened.

Hiding the pain that I felt. I just replied to him okay. I even joked to him that he really cherished his girlfriend and how enviable that was. After that, I didn't reply again to any message that he sent me.

I felt really dirty. I felt that I didn't deserve to be respected by Yohan. Respected by any man or a boy that I will like or have interest in me. That no one will do that to me, like Yohan treated his girlfriend. That anyone who has interest in me, they just want to get me and bed me just like that. That I am so easy to get.

As I swim into my depression, I don't know. But after days of us having no contact, I receive a text from him apologizing. I just replied mildly to him that I'm not mad at him, that I just got busy. But I made him promise me that he will not tell anyone what happened between us. Thankfully, he assured me that that thing shouldn't be said to others.

I am relieved. I can probably trust his words. After that, I didn't contact him anymore and I deleted his contact and our previous conversation.