Stories and longing

Recently I've got nothing to talk about. By the way I was thinking when we all die just how many stories, how much pain, longing, guilt, regret and despair do we take with us. I mean there are so many things that we can't say, we don't want to say or even if we do there's no one to here it and it all goes with us even without anyone knowing. There are so many things that I didn't tell anyone, not even Shifu and there were reasons for me not to tell her, there were times when I couldn't because I know that she's been suffering too and that my problems would only add to it because she's always worried about me,she sees things no one does. Like the time when it was annual day celebration and our class' boys were performing I was so tired with school and stuff so I just leand my head on the chair and no one but she noticed . Anyone else would've thought It was normal but only she noticed. But even if she did I just didn't had the courage to tell her anything so I just told her I was sleepy. All the way through life I started to avoid talking about my problems and said things as excuse and things to avoid them from asking. Like it's better to smile and say 'it's nothing', rather than telling people about your problems.

I am the type to sheepishly smile and let things go in front of the people who disrespect me, but Shifu always get mad about it. I have a habit of writing fastly and in that process, I like shake the desk...? Whatever, so our classmate that we all are annoyed with the most, at the start of session, was sitting with me bcoz our homeroom teacher arranged our seats, so that's it. When it was half a session gone she sat in front of us and asked for copying notes since she was chatting the whole time,

"Hey, do you even understand what she writes?" She said rudely while looking at my notebook

"What?" Shifu said irritated

"I mean when I sat next to her, I saw her handwriting and it looked gross, and she was shaking the desk non-stop, it made me so angry."She continued without reading the room because Shifu was glaring at her the whole while she kept yapping. And I was laughing awkwardly trying to him Shifu that it was alright and that she doesn't have to get angry. I mean I admit I have a bad handwriting,but you shouldn't say that to a person's face, but the bitch she is she continued talking non-stop until she turned the other way .

Also there is one girl that Shifu and Lisa like very much I used to talk to her but then I stopped, I'll tell you why. You see she always used to hang out with them only for using them, for eating their lunch, for asking them to drop her at her home, and they both used to rant to us many about it all the time. So it made her image like she is a mean,profit-gaining girl and we(Anu and I ) distanced ourselves from her.THEN they would go back to her leaving us alone and hang out with her have fun go to places to eat, and that's where I got angry. You made me feel like a villian, telling me she's mean and making me think that way, now you are hanging out with her! I feel like a bad person here to think she's like that , then you have to rant about her too. And after ranting you are having fun with her as if it's nothing !

I don't feel jealous, but a little bad that they roam around the city, near my home to eat all sorts of snacks on the street, and even I'd it's near my home they barely come to meet me when they have to pass their time. Forget it, i might just be frustrated that's all, yeah right. Whatever.