You Can't Be Here

*Ana*

Before I can even think, my body is moving on its own. Driven by primal forces. The bloodlust raging and boiling through my blood. Making everything fuzzy. His heartbeat deafened me to everything save for the very source.

I am lunging right for him. Claws raised and fangs bared. Crossing across before Nicoli can even drop his smile. Can even blink. 

It's only a split second but I can feel it. A pull in the back of my head. My reasoning taking hold for the time being. Redirecting me at the last second, just when I could nearly feel his heat under my fingertips.

My hands miss soft bronze flesh, and instead slam into the door. Forcing it closed with a blast of musty air. 

"Ah!" A short startled cry of a young boy followed soon after. Muffled through the wood. It sounded and felt like something had dropped back to hit the floor. The knock shook the planks underneath my bare feet. Before I heard him grunt a hiss.

"What the heck, Ana!?" Nicoli grumbled, more hurt than angry. The floor then groaned as he stood back up. 

"You pushed me!" 

"Nicoli, what are you even doing here?" My lips tremble between choppy breaths. Every toke full of his scent- that sweet mix of kindling and snow. It makes my mouth water and my fangs burn. I am only thankful the door is muffling the sounds of his heart. 

I'm not sure what would happen if I heard that, the pump of blood running through those tiny veins. How sweet he must taste…

I swallow before pushing harder into the door. 

"You shouldn't be here." I rasp a contained whisper. My eyes dart back to the camelback sofa. 

Good. Naska is still asleep. She hasn't heard anything. But that doesn't mean I don't nearly fall over right there when I see her turn. But she just adjusts herself. A snore follows. False alarm.

But if she were to wake up right now? I feel my blood run cold. 

But that's the least of my worries because I can feel it again. Another run burning up my veins, pulsing. I want blood. The pulse comes up from the center of my stomach. Traveling to twitch and bite at my fingers and toes. Fangs flex and unflex. All angry for blood. 

Blood that is just on the other side...

"Go back!" I rush as much force into the whisper, demanding, pleading for him to just listen for once. To go. But of course he doesn't. 

"No, not until I know you're alright" He insists through the door, a bit too loudly. Making Naska turn as if waking up from the couch again. She doesn't, thank the gods. But it's enough to make my heart jump in my throat. I don't know how much more I can take. 

"Leave!" I hiss again. Pushing harder into the door to make it creak. In the back of my mind, I distinctly remember how old this was. Why, just a good push and it could easily be broken down and then I could-

No! I shake my head hard enough to see dots for a moment. It works. But it's getting hard to stay sane. My sense of control slipping. His blood calling to me.

Sweet and rich. Warm just like him…

Stop it!

"You must go!" I insist again, finding my legs start to give. Shaking too much from restraining.. I crumble down the faded rose rug, knees digging in. But my hands stay firmly on the door.

"Please," I beg, tears welling in my eyes. My heart thumps against my ribs, not just craving blood. I'm scared. I'm terrified of what I might do. 

"You are not safe." I don't want to hurt you. 

Hot tears start to crawl down my cheeks. Pooling under my sharp chin to drip. I shudder.

"Just do as I ask." 

"But Ana," Nicoli's voice is right next to my ear. He's leaning on the other side of the door. Making his smell grow stronger.

"Nicoli, please."I clamp down hard on my eyes. Digging claws into the woods. My fangs are fully out, sharp and biting into my lower lip. Filling my mouth with the taste of my blood. But it's not enough. The smell is too tempting.

But I promised I would never do it. I won't. This is Nicoli- I could never- 

You could. A small voice reminds me. You almost did before. Remember?

Shut up!  I fight back but I can feel it. That same strange vibration from within my stomach. Nicoli's smell making me weaker, dizzy, my hands sliding down the wood. It's my darkest fear.

No! I won't. I must fight it. I bite down into my lower lip. Pooling blood into my mouth. It's confusing as it makes my tongue think I am feeding but my head knows otherwise. The trick won't last long.

"Ana, what's going on?" 

"Nicoli, you shouldn't be here." My voice is paper thin as sweat drips down my temples. I'm getting hot- both from resisting, and the damn heat of the night. It's making me woozy with each take of his smell again. 

I swallow, resting my head against the door. 

"Please. You need to go." I breathe. Deep, shallow breaths. It burns each time. As if I wanted to be doing something else instead. Something more terrible. All the more why I must dig in my claws into the wood and pin it closed. Sealing him away from me.

"You're not safe."

My confession rang through the room before everything fell silent. A weighty quiet hung over both of us. Only broken by the flick of the candle. Or the sounds of the night out the window. 

Otherwise, no one spoke for a long spell. And then I felt it. The boards were shifting behind the door. For a second I felt my chest lift, hoping he would go. But then the boards shifted again.

Something was settling down. Sitting. Nicoli was sitting down on the other side of the door.

"But why?"

"Why?" I nearly forgot to be quiet as I blink up at the door. I can't see his face, but for whatever reason I think he nods here.

"Why do you want me to go?" Nicoli asks again. His voice was more tempered and considerate. Almost mature for one of 9 years old. I didn't think he could. 

"Do you not want to see me anymore?"

"What? No, I-" I swallow back a dry gulp before inhaling sharply. "No, of course not. I…" But I don't want to say after that. Just clenching up a ball of my nightgown before I try again.

"I'm afraid I might hurt you," I confess. The boards shift underneath me. I think Nicoli is turning to look back at the door.

"But why?" He asks again. A surprisingly simple question, yet it makes me clench my stomach. I close my eyes to lick my lips before I can manage again.

"Because I smell you. And… you smell delicious." 

I close my eyes in shame, pressing my forehead deeper into the wood. 

"And I'm afraid I'll try to bite you." I lower my face to let my hair fall over. I'm in a curtain of silver. Hoping it can block out everything that has happened.

Please let this be a bad dream.

"I'm scared I will."

Nicoli doesn't speak for a long time. But I know he's still there. The boards shift again before the door moves. It doesn't open. But I do feel a pressure push back against my hands.

If I had to guess it, Nicoli is sitting back with his head next to the door. Next to mine. His voice was soft when he finally spoke.

"I was scared back there."

"You-" I bite into my lower lip feeling my chest tighten. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to-"

"I thought you were hurt."

My head lifts at that. But I can't see what kind of expression he's making. The door is in the way. I can only hear his voice grow softer as he continued.

"But I'm glad to hear you're okay, now." 

I can already see him turning up that big smile of his then. His sapphire eyes twinkled.

"I mean, with the bloodlust and all."

I scruff a tight laugh, but it feels good. The act unravels something tight inside my chest. I can breathe a little easier now. 

"You shouldn't be making jokes, Nicoli." I chide, but my voice is a touch gentler than I'd like. Again, feeling myself unravel a bit more. 

But I can't say for how long. I swallow again, using the chance.

"But you really should go." I rake my claws softly through the wood. For now, I'm calm but it doesn't mean I'm okay. My fangs are still throbbing. His smell is still making me dizzy.

I could get worse. I could turn ravinish. The bloodlust could overwhelm me at any moment. 

"I can't take that risk. Please, just listen to me and go."

Nicoli again falls silent for what seems almost too long. But when he does, his voice is still gentle. Thoughtful.

"I'll go. But promise me something, first?" He pauses then, as if he were looking at me through the door. I swallow, nodding, not that he can see it. But maybe he can feel it just like me. Because he continues.

"Don't cry."

"Nicoli, that-" Of all the things you could be asking me right now. I laugh a little, my breath coming much easier.

"It's a bit too late for that, I'm afraid." 

I can already imagine his pout. "Ana!"

"Shh, you'll wake Naska up." My eyes flick back to the sofa. She's still asleep. But Nicoli takes the hint.

He huffs on the other side of the door.

"Fine…" The boards shift underneath again. He's getting up to stand. I smile a little to hear it. But it doesn't mean I will let this go.

"Don't use the hall again," I warn.

"What? Why!?" Nicoli doesn't even miss a beat to snap back. Again I have to shush him. He grumbles before moving to probably cross his arms.

"It's the only way I'll get to you. I'm not going to wait a whole week."

"But it's not safe." I rush back through fangs. "Nicoli, I'm telling you, you are not safe until-"

"But for a whole week!?" This seems to be the bigger problem to him. Not me being in a blood-thirsty rampage, no, that's not what worries him. But the idea that he won't see me for seven days.

I have shaken my head a little. Nicoli's priorities can be skewed at times. Not the first time.

"It's the only way I can make sure you stay safe," I affirm, staring hard at the door as if I could see his stubborn lips frown back at me. But I'm not going to shift from the spot.

I don't even know how I'm managing to stay him off as it is. And luck has never been on my side. So it's not worth trying.

"Just, don't Nicoli," I repeat. "No more secret hall."

Nicoli remains quiet, I'm guessing to scowl at me through the door, before huffing again.

"Fine. But I'm gonna figure something else out then." 

"Figure something out?" I furrow my brows. "Nicoli, what does that even mean-"

Nicoli cuts me off. "Just wait for me." Then the boards are groaning under his feet. He's walking. But before I think he's gone. He's coming back in a hurry.

"I almost forgot." Nicoli rushes, half out of breath. I feel the door press again. His hand pressing exactly where mine is.

"I love you, Ana."

"You-" My mouth falls open a moment. And I'm sure he's smiling.

"I'll see you soon." And with that, he's leaving for real now. His footsteps pulled farther, with his smell in tow. Soon leaving me back to myself again.

His surprised visit was just as quick as his departure.

"You- honestly," My head drops. I've reached my limit, and my body is shutting down. I slump to the floor numbly. That was exhausting. But somehow I did it.

I resisted. Even with the bloodlust. I could. But it's taken its toll. I can only lay on the floor and breathe. It will be sometime before I have the energy to get back up and into bed again.

But still. I'm relieved.

Nicoli is safe. That's all I need to know before exhaustion takes me.