What Can I Even Say

*Nicoli*

Nicoli lifted the cup, mirroring Ana. She held it to her ear, waiting. 

"Ana, I-" He licked his lips, opened his mouth, but nothing came out. The words were too heavy. Saying them once had been hard. Saying them again–impossible. Harder still, to say it again–goodbye. 

Maybe if I don't say it, it won't be real. 

Nicoli clenched his fists at his side, shutting his eyes. But that changed nothing. He knew what had to be said, yet speaking the words felt like a betrayal. A finality he wasn't ready to face. 

He wasn't mad at Ana. Not really. But it was hard not to be angry at something–anything–that kept pulling them apart. Why was it always like this? Just when things were starting to get better, everything fell apart again. 

Frustration knotted in his chest. He was tired of saying goodbye. He just wanted Ana to stay.

But then he saw her–waiting, patient, offering him a soft, knowing smile. And just like that, whatever fight had been rising inside him melted away.

The truth was simple. He didn't want her to go because he was going to miss her.

Nicoli lifted the cup back up to push out a shuddering breath before he started again.

"I heard…you had a visitor yesterday." 

"Yes." Ana forced a soft laugh but it died in the air. A painful silence then fell between them. The only other sound was the begging chorus of crickets while the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon. Casting one last glow over the lawn, dragging the shadows long and slim. His shadow hiking far beyond him, stretched thin like the telephone cord was. Their source of connection. 

And yet another one that would soon be severed again.

Nicoli pressed the cup tighter to his head, his voice grew small. "So it's true. You're leaving." 

A pause. Not just a silence, but the kind that sank into his bones, stretching out between them like the telephone cord. Nicoli's grip tightened on the cup. He didn't want to hear the answer. He already knew.

"That-" Ana's voice wavered. Through the glow of the setting sun, he could see her face begin to crumble. Her red eyes flickered downward, glistening, her lower lip trembling as if she were trying to swallow the words. Whatever bravado she had left was slipping away, leaving her raw and unsure. She couldn't look at him for a long time.

When she finally did, it was with quiet resignation. 

"I must go." 

"No. Stay here. I want you to stay." Nicoli looked up at her. "Please."

"Nicoli,"

Nicoli tried to plead. "You don't have to leave." But his words seemed only to make Ana shake her head.

"I'm Empress now." Ana went, but Nicoli would not accept it.

"Hidi said that too- but I don't understand."He shot back. "Why can't you stay here? You just got here-"

"Nicoli,"

"No, I don't want you to go. You can't." He pulled the cup closer. "You can't, okay?"

He glanced up at the window and met her gaze. But her eyes flicked past him, falling over the green hedges. She was looking past him into the maze. A hint of a smile touched her lips, but it was tinged with resignation. Making her suddenly years and years older, wiser, sadder.

"I'll be back. Once things are over." 

Nicoli kicked at the rocks, his jaw tightening as frustration flared inside him.

"Over? And how long will that be? Days? Weeks? Years?!"

Ana pressed her full lip into her mouth a beat, her eyes looking down nothing before she faintly met his gaze again. Clear and unclouded eyes looking back at him.

"I don't know." She answered. "But one day. I'm sorry."

"No..I…," Nicoli's shoulders dropped. "It's not your fault." He wasn't mad at her. In truth, he didn't know who to be furious with.

Was there really no one to blame? He thought and felt himself shift. Could there be no one at all?

Then why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel so cheated? Why do I feel like this is wrong?

Nicoli took a breath and lowered the cup to look across the way. In the background, he could find the thin manservant. Thomas was lingering back, listening. But he was surprisingly less invasive today. He felt a little grateful.

That or someone told him to stay back. 

Either way, the servant was giving him space. But he never stopped watching.

" Nicoli," Ana's voice had Nicoli look back at her. She was motioning to the cup. "I will be back." 

"You will?" His chest grew tight, wound up. "Do you…can you promise?"

 Ana motioned to cross an 'x' over her heart. "Cross my heart,"

Nicoli felt the words engraved somewhere deep inside of him.

"Then I'll hold you to it." He swallowed, finding himself able to breathe again just a little calmer

She'll be back, and we will be together again. Nicoli knew Ana would keep her promise.

"I love you," Nicoli spoke into the cup to see the girl slightly shift as if startled. But how could that be? Everyone, of course, loves Ana. 

He couldn't help but smile.

Ana can be so silly sometimes. 

"I… love you too, Nicoli." Ana's voice turned, and she moved to rub her eye.

"Hey, are you-" Nicoli stood straight as the realization shook him. "I swear, you better not be crying."

"I'm…not." Ana went to rub her other eye.

"Liar," he chuckled to emit a small laugh from Ana.

"No, really," Ana moved to rub her eyes again. "It's just some dust got into my eye-"

"Hey! Don't make me come up there- I'm warning you." Nicoli made it as if to climb.

"No! You stay down there." Ana threw up her hands. " It's not yet been a week. It's still not-"

"I know." Nicoli knew and held up his fingers. "I've been counting this whole time." 

But now that the days were ending, so would Ana's time here. His heart pulled but he refused to fall. No, he would not be sad. He had to stay strong.

"And I will have to count how many days you will be back again." Nicoi lifted his head to show a great smile. "You can bet on it."

"Nicoli," Ana clenched the cup closer before wiping her eye again.

"Hey-" Nicoli motioned to climb up again, and Ana waved her hand.

"I am not crying, I swear it." Ana huffed before breaking into a small smile. "Really."

"Uh-huh." He cocked his brow to make Ana scuff and shake her head. But Nicoli only felt better to see it.

I wish I could make it so you never cry. He wished earnestly. Even if he wanted to cry, he wouldn't. Not if it meant stopping her from calling.

For Ana's sake, I have to smile. Nicoli thought as he clenched his fists. And if he had, he would wait again. 

Because we will be together, Ana said so. 

"Then it's a promise." He would wait again. 

-x-

 *Belinda*

Belinda sipped her tea. Excellent. A new gift from Almony–Bratha must have taken the news well. Not that Belinda had ever doubted it. But it was always nice to be rewarded.

Julia poured her another cup, and Belinda caught the stiffness in Hidi's posture. That sharp smile, the way she watched the maid–amused.

Ah. So she knows. 

Julia had already told her about the cup-breaking incident. How Nicoli had left. How Hidi had lost her temper. But Belinda wouldn't bring it up. That would be…in rather poor taste to bring up.

Instead, she asked, voice casual, "And where is my son now?" 

Hidi's gaze flickered. A slight tension in her jaw. "I expect he's with Ana."

"To say his goodbyes, I'm sure," Belidna offered, watching Hidi's shoulders drop–just a fraction. Unraveling.

"Ja, I should, too." Hidi lifted for her cup. "I enjoyed her company." 

"Yes, you seemed to." That was surprising. Belinda had not expected them to get along, especially given Bratha's…unforgiving nature.

She hid her amusement behind another sip of tea.

"It was curious, though, " Hidi sat up to move for a cookie, her appetite back. "To see the human- the one with the scar." She suddenly mentioned the man, and Belinda perked up.

"Admiral Nugen?" He goes way back." Belinda's smile thinned, with a foul taste on the back of her tongue. It always happened when she thought of him. 

"I was told he goes back to the past Empress's reign." The giant tilted her head, shifting her thick braid off her shoulder. "I didn't know a human would be that loyal."

"Loyal or stupid. I couldn't say." Belinda didn't care either way. He was gone, and that's all she cared about. And soon, so would Ana.

Queen Belinda couldn't believe her luck got any better than now. The problem was solving itself. Now she could work on Hidi and Nicoli's budding romance and-

"I think I will go back."

"What? Already?" Belinda felt the words halt her thoughts.

"You…now, my dear?" But what of Nicoli? Belinda couldn't help but be disappointed.

" He'll have all the time for you. Hidi, this couldn't be a better time to." But Belidna stopped as Hidi threw up her hand. Again, that confident smile was on.

"I'd like to look into this Bulgeon issue."

"Oh, Yes." Belinda felt herself sink. Those Bulgeons are now getting into her plans. But it was as well.

"Yes, that's smart of you. Rather pesky cockroaches, those pirates."

"I want to aid Ana in her war," Hidi stated simply, as if offering someone a bread basket. "I do love a war."

"Ah, right." Belinda felt her smile stretch.

"I almost forgot." She didn't. She just hoped Hidi would. But she seemed to be sharper than expected. Not that it mattered. 

Just as long as Hidi is back before then. With that, Belinda moved to take Hidi's more giant hand into her smaller and defined hands.

"You are always welcomed back, Hidi."

"Same to you, Mother." Hidi smiled anew. "Come to Almony. Any time. Mama misses you."

"Tell her I miss her." Belinda squeezed Hidi's hand before letting go. It was the truth. But she knew it would never happen.

She won't let me go if I do. Belinda didn't have to test it. But Hidi went on.

"I wonder if anyone misses Ana back home."

Belinda raised a brow. She never once thought about that. What it was like for the girl to leave among the vampires. Was she treated well? Did they care if she was mixed or not? Was she missed or cared for back there?

"Oh…who knows. Vampires are a weird lot." Belinda pooh-poohed. 

"They will be busy with her coronation," Hidi predicted and the queen felt her painted lips lift.

"Oh, I'm sure they will. But more so to find her a suitor."

"A suitor?"

Belinda made a pointed look at the broach Hidi wore again. As if already implying the obvious, but when the giant blinked back at her, she found herself needing to explain.

"They won't have her sit on the throne alone for long." Belinda chuckled again as she poured more cream into her tea. "Nocthen's only ever wanted Emperors. Not Empresses."

Hidi sat back with the cookie.

"But her mother, she was an Empress, wasn't she?"

"The first." Belinda tapped her spoon before moving to allow one of her curls to fall into place. "And look how long that lasted." 

Hidi nodded simply.

"Indeed." Hidi's smile grew smaller. "But then it's a pity."

"A pity, you say?"

She shrugged, moving to bite the head off the rabbit cookie.

"I wanted us to be Empresses together."

"Oh, Hidi," Belidna broke into a wide grin. "Nocthen is too set in its ways to ever want to change. For better or worse."

And I can only imagine how long she will last. But then, it wouldn't be my concern for much longer.  And Belinda sipped her tea once more.