Stars

In hardship, in need

When task insurmountable

One more hand does ease

______

Subaru listened to me letting it all out; he quietly sat beside me as I kept speaking words to the world around us.

Once I was finished, we stayed like that, saying nothing for a few minutes. No words were needed, I said most of what I needed to let out.

"Look up there, Leo is out too. Your ball knowledge has gotten rustic."

I wheezed.. and couldn't hold it in for long, and started chuckling. I heard Subaru laugh beside me too.

"Well.. I'm not wrong am I? They are huge b-balls.. made of cosmic gas and dust."

Subaru said mid laugh, while pointing about 60 degrees up at the south western sky. I could see now, although barely visible, a group of stars grouped in a very irregular pentagon, with a triangle on top. Given spring time, it made sense Leo was visible.

The last time I properly looked at the stars was back when my parents were still together, in papers at least. Since it was autumn back then, all the stars I could see were autumn stars, and Leo would only rise during the day.

Time has truly passed. Indeed, it is almost five months now.

"It's been too long since I looked up for long, I'm glad I could look at them again tonight. Maybe I will buy a telescope soon, go to some mountains, and look at more stars than I have ever seen in my life."

I said to Subaru on a whim.

"Do you want to? Invite me along, if you do. Make sure the mountains are somewhere north, it will be better in summers."

"Surely."

I gazed at the night sky and couldn't help but remember my eighth grade self who yearned for it, who wanted to study it for life, and maybe someday, fly out there too.

I had no such aspirations anymore, but I was still captured by them when the time felt right. And indeed, I was once again pulled in by their beauty, and I knew what I wanted to do once my exams for this semester ended.

We had been laying here for about half an hour. I took my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. It was 12:20 AM.

"Would you mind giving me copies of your university notes tomorrow? I need to pass these exams first before I do anything else."

I asked Subaru.

I decided I wouldn't worry about asking for help anymore, I will rely on people, and accept it when I couldn't do something on my own. I had failed at doing anything on my own, maybe I was not meant to do it alone in the first place.

I am under no illusion though, that something like talking to people would be easier for me just because I decided to not shy away from it. I will just have to try and push through all the shame, and embarrassment, and just do it.

"Certainly. I will mail them to you by tomorrow evening."

"Thanks."

We stayed there for about 5 more minutes before Subaru asked.

"Well then, shall we go now? I will need to be present at the university tomorrow. How about you, can I expect you to see there from Monday?"

"Yes. I need to fix some things, figure some more out, and prepare myself before I go back there."

"Mhm, I understand. Let's go then."

I used my hand to push myself up, and sit on the grass. Looking ahead, I could see the shallow river flowing in the dark, lit only by the street lights from the bridge above.

Kamo river, truly the heart of Kyoto.

Subaru stood up first, and stretched his body with an over dramatically loud and long yawn.

Truly, a beast in a man's skin—I thought as I stood up on my legs too, ready to go.

We walked our way back up to the bridge, and stood there facing each other. it was time for farewell.

"I'm glad you joined me tonight, I hope I was able to help you somehow. You better beg me for help if you need something from this point onward, or I will just have to beat you up."

"Wow, that is some violent kindness you carry inside of you, dear sir."

I said as I moved my hand towards him, waiting for his.

"Can't say it's too bad though. Thank you for today, you were very helpful."

I said as he grasped my hand tight in his. We shaked them up and down for two seconds before letting go.

"Mata shite."

Subaru said as he gave me a two finger salute before turning around to walk away.

"Mata shite, Subaru-kun."

I said to him while attempting to mimic Rem's voice.

Subaru stopped for a moment before he started laughing like a maniac. He looked back at me, and nodded.

"Good night, sleep well. You better take care of yourself."

He said while walking backwards, looking at me, and giving another two finger salute.

"Yes sir, as you command. Good night to you as well."

I responded to him with a two finger salute of my own. He turned around when he heard me, and went on his way.

I stood there for a moment, watching him walk away in the dark street partly brightened by the street lights, and partly by the moon risen from the east.

Once he was gone well past the bridge, I turned around, and started walking back to my own place.

I shouldn't take me long, it was just a 2 km walk.

I took out my phone, and looked at the time again.

12:33 AM.

I should easily be home by 1 am then. I opened my local music application, and went in the playlist tab. Typing the first two words of the album in the search box, I found what I was looking for.

Tapping on 'The Adults are Talking', I put the album on loop, dropped my phone in my jacket's pocket, and started walking my way back to my place.

I wasn't particularly sleepy, but I just wanted tonight to pass for now, no point trying to figure out what to do next while being half drunk.

___

By the time I reached home, it was 12:58 AM, and I was halfway into the album. I went inside, and put my phone on the table, leaving the music playing.

First thing to do after reaching was getting out of the day's clothes, and throwing them in the laundry basket, though I kept my jacket out of it for now, I needed to use it for one more day.

Once I washed up, I changed into a clean set of night clothes, before going into the kitchen. The dishes I used for today's brunch were still soaking in the sink, filled with water to the brim.

I habitually drained the water out before turning on the tap to rinse them once, after which, I closed the tap and got to lathering them up with soap. Once lathered inside and out, I turned on the water again, and rinsed them thoroughly, keeping them aside on the counter, one by one. Finally, I dried them with a kitchen cloth, and left them on the dish stand to dry off completely.

By the time I was done with all these chores, the album was at its end. I was on 'Ode to the Mets'.

Humming along with the song, I rolled out my futon, laying it against the right corner of my room, where the inner wall met the wall that had the window to the outside world.

I turned off all the lights and sat on the futon, looking outside the window. Everything was dark, both inside and outside. I liked dark. Looking out, I looked up at the clear skies again, and saw the uncountable stars shining the same as before.

Today was a good day, if I had to judge.

With how things had been with me till now, having a day that I would consider good would be extremely unlikely, so as it is, I am somewhat satisfied with how it went. Nothing of note happened throughout the day, but later on, I was so glad I met Subaru and had that conversation.

Things need to change, I cannot keep on living like this. I have always known that it is not feasible to live like this, and it would not last, but I just distracted myself with a different form of escapism whenever reality looked me in the face till now.

I must no longer do that, I must not look away from my problems. So far, I have caused a lot of harm to my self, and my potential in university. I have already ruined my grades for this semester by barely going for classes, if I were to keep living this life, I am sure to fail the year.

Although I was able to submit assignments and projects that needed to be done remotely, it was barely enough to keep me floating. I need to attend university on every remaining day left to have any hope of passing in the final practical exams.

Indeed, like most universities, not just studying, but also attending the classes is very important to pass the classes. In fact, in some cases, the latter is more important. Because it lets you have some sort of good impression on a professor, because if they believe you are an honest person who attends classes regularly, they are likely to mark you for your efforts even if the results you provide are not up to par.

I will have to think about some things when I'm clearer in the head tomorrow. Some things more important than others, but all necessary for the future.

A certain idea has been brewing in my head since the beginning of my second year at university. There was a reason why I started studying game development, and then low level software engineering fundamentals, so that I could make myself ready for a certain vision.

Getting up from the futon, I walked towards my table, switched on the small lamp used for studying. Once I could see things better, I sat on the chair and pulled my journal out of the table's drawer. I opened it straight on the first blank page, and started thinking of what I needed to do tomorrow.

First thing I needed to do was create something that would force me to be accountable, and responsible to do things on time, and somehow, I needed to give Subaru access to look through it's record, so that I don't convince myself to procrastinate. I will need his help for that, so I will talk to him tomorrow.

Something that will make me accountable….

Got it!

Something like a life simulator RPG, where you are playing a character and doing daily life things, and get points for doing those small tasks. Indeed, I know.

I could just create a simple command line application to which I could add tasks, the time by which they needed to be finished, and assign them a certain amount of points. When I accomplished those tasks, the application, or the game, would reward me with those points, and depending on the amount of points I had, I could play games for a certain amount of time that day, or do something else that I would consider a reward. Just like daily quests.

Indeed, that would work. As for letting Subaru having access to it, I can just create a new user for my operating system, and give it localised permissions to the one directory that will contain the text file—then Subaru can SSH into it to view the file at any time my computer is on, which it almost always is.

Writing down the basic plan for this little architecture, I closed my notebook, and put it back inside the drawer. I was sleepy too now. I guess the alcohol was finally getting to me now.

Getting up from my chair, I went to washroom for the last time tonight.

Once done, I went to my kitchen to get a bottle of water, which I brought to my futon. Turning the lamp off, I sat down on the futon again, this time, my bottle in one hand, and my phone in the other.

I needed to get that application made by tomorrow evening, before Subaru mailed me his notes, so I set tomorrow's alarm to 9:30 AM and 10:00 AM, in case I sleep through the first one. Once done, I took a few chugs of water from the bottle, before keeping it beside me on the floor, alongside my phone.

Laying down on the futon, I pulled up the thin blanket I had up to my chest, and waited for lady sleep to come and take me.

"Oyasuminasai."

I said to no one in particular.

______

Glossary

1. Directory: Linux equivalent of a Folder in Windows.

2. SSH: Secure Shell, a network protocol that allows a secure way to access and manage remote computers.

3. Command line application: An application that is used through the command line of an operating system's shell; aka CLI (command line interface) app.

4. Oyasuminasai: Good night.

5. Futon: A Japanese style mattress meant to be used on tatami floors.