Chapter 7 The Truth That Was 3 Years Late

Three years ago, Yan Yan wrote a long post on MSN Spaces:

"Tombstone Inscription

When everything was over, I thought of the beginning, that beginning which had ended before it experienced the romance of poetic metaphors. Yet, I don't regret it, because I have reasons not to.

Two years and one day will have passed since my breakup with Yi tomorrow. Is this a day worth commemorating?

I didn't love him, and I had been telling myself that since the day he confessed his feelings for me.

Therefore, our separation was justified.

I am a person who ranges from extreme self-doubt to extreme confidence.

As such, I vacuously prided myself, painfully delighted in my joy.

I adhered to a point where I could easily give up what many dream of.

I didn't love Leslie Cheung either. Thus, his songs often played on my iPod:

I am who I am

A firework of different colors

The sky is vast, the sea wide

I strive to be the strongest bubble

I am just that contradictory, strong as a bubble.

For the so-called tolerance I claimed, for the disregard I professed,

In front of myself, I shamelessly indulged in hypocrisy.

With a painful soul, I lived my life cheerfully, helplessly forcing myself to believe, 'Tomorrow is another day.'

Three years ago today, I stood frozen at the bustling street by my home's doorway.

I had never envisioned facing Yi's confession one day.

I always felt that he and I belonged to two starkly different worlds with no intersection.

My mind was like a log favored by termites, hollowly unsure whether to refuse or accept.

Not long after, I passively discovered that this hollowness was called tacit consent, or more precisely, acquiescence.

Yi and I thus became a couple.

The day after tacit consent, on the school's playground, Yi circled around me.

He said it was his rotation, and he would continue to orbit around me every day without fail.

I could feel it, that at that time, I was the only one in Yi's world.

That day, I was so moved I wanted to flee.

Yi said he loved me.

Yet, I still hadn't figured out whether my feelings for him were admiration or affection.

Other than trying to flee, what else could I do?

Regrettably, my attempt lacked support; there was nowhere to escape.

I told Yi that we were not of age to love, we didn't possess the qualifications for love.

That was perhaps the last truthful thing I said to him and myself before I succumbed to hypocrisy.

The year and days I spent with Yi,

From the beginning to the end, I never felt I was in love with him.

And so, in the three hundred sixty-five days we walked together, I never even agreed to let him hold my hand.

You see, I am a person so reserved that it's beyond redemption.

You see, I had not fallen in love with Yi.

You see, I still didn't understand the difference between love and like.

I had once tolerated in the most hypocritical way.

I had once been self-absorbed in the most self-deprecating manner.

I was as adept at deceiving him as I was at deceiving myself.

During that year with Yi, my feelings were hollow, my happiness suppressed.

Yi was too outstanding, as if he shouldn't belong to someone like me.

I can no longer remember how much time I spent afterwards sorting out my thoughts.

But I do remember, when I realized I liked Yi in the same simple way a kindergartener likes a classmate, my hypocrisy was irredeemably set in motion.

Because, I had never attended kindergarten.

When I said I didn't expect him to write to me every day, I lied.

His writings, smooth as a diary entry, were irresistibly captivating.

I was just afraid that one day, when he realizes he no longer wants to write, he would also realize he no longer loves or likes me.

When I said I didn't hope for him to pursue romance intentionally, I lied.

Please believe, there's no girl in this world who experiences love for the first time and does not enjoy romance.

I was just afraid that one day, when he realizes he has lost the will to chase romance, he would also realize he no longer loves or likes me.

When I said I only believe in the truth of an ordinary life, I lied.

What girl would want to live at the age of seventeen or eighteen like she's seventy or eighty?

I was just afraid that one day, when he realizes he can no longer find passion, he would also realize he no longer loves or likes me.

When I said...

I spoke thus, letting him be endlessly grateful for my hypocrisy and tolerance.

All I hoped for was that there would come a day when Yi no longer loved me, or even liked me, and even he wouldn't realize it immediately.