The Path Walked Thus Far

The tip of the pen glided over paper, producing a somewhat stuttering shushing sound as it filled the blank page with letters.

Trying not to look at the words being written by Mahiru's delicate fingertips and thin ballpoint pen, Amane glanced over at her. She sat next to him, silently filling part of a thick book with ink.

After dinner, once the cleaning was done, Amane and Mahiru would relax together. However, that didn't mean they were always glued to each other. Even their classmates—and amusingly enough, Itsuki—misunderstood that. It seemed that people thought Amane and Mahiru were flirting with each other around the clock.

In reality, it couldn't be further from the truth. They each did what they had to do independently. They weren't constantly working together or watching over each other. Though they shared the same space, they spent their time doing their preferred activities, passing the time peacefully. Today was no exception.

Despite securing her spot next to Amane, Mahiru had kept to her own task, quietly writing something.

Amane didn't try to peek at what she was writing. Even for lovers, it would be rude to do so. Still, he could tell that she was writing something. She had previously written summaries and evaluations for recipes, but this didn't seem to be that kind of notebook. At a glance, it appeared to be a fancier book with a leather cover.

"What are you writing?" he asked.

While he did feel bad for potentially disturbing her, Amane was unable to resist his curiosity seeing her so focused on writing. Mahiru immediately looked up, showing a puzzled expression.

She then noticed Amane's gaze wandering around her hands and grasped his thoughts. "Ah. This… I suppose you could call this a diary? I thought I should record what happened today while it's still fresh in my mind."

"Ohh," Amane replied, "that's diligent—or should I say prudent—of you." He wondered what she was writing, and it turned out to be a diary. Indeed, upon hearing her response, the book in front of her did look the part. It wasn't pretty or cute, as one might expect a high-school girl to like. Rather, it was something sturdy and weighty, which was very much like Mahiru.

It looked carefully maintained, with no noticeable wear, but it also seemed like it had some history to it. It definitely didn't look like something she had recently started using.

"Do you write in it every day?" Amane asked.

"No, not that frequently. Only when something happens. I suppose you could call it a habit of mine I've had since I was little…"

"Well isn't that nice? If you record what happened each day, you'll have an easier time recalling it later down the line."

"Yes. For better or worse," Mahiru emphasized.

Amane didn't keep a diary per se, but if there were something worth noting, he would jot it down quickly in his smartphone's scheduling app. It often came in handy when looking back later.

"I consider it a good way to sort out emotions and memories," Mahiru began to explain. "By recording my experiences here, I can quickly recall past events. I even wrote about when we first met…well, when we first spoke."

"I'm betting you wrote something like 'What's up with this guy?'"

Their first real conversation had taken place on the day he'd handed her an umbrella. Looking back, he realized he hadn't left the best first impression. His attitude was hesitant and his tone was curt. Mahiru had likely had similar thoughts at the time.

While Mahiru hadn't said much of anything herself, she had been alone in that park that day following a rough interaction with her mother. It was only natural that she hadn't been in the best mood when a complete stranger approached her at that time, with a blunt way of speaking no less.

Could I not have done anything to better my attitude?

The more he ruminated on it, the more regret began to wash over him. But Mahiru looked over and chuckled upon seeing his face.

"Hehe. I won't deny that, but it wasn't a negative feeling either. I was more surprised than anything. And I had seen how aloof you acted in school, so I sort of knew what to expect. Plus, it didn't seem like you had ulterior motives when you offered me the umbrella."

"It worked out well then, I suppose?"

"Yes. In fact, I felt safer because you acted that way…it's unsettling when a total stranger suddenly acts kind to you, don't you think? It's frightening to have someone you don't know try stepping into your life like that."

"Well, I do also think so, yeah."

For Mahiru at that point in her life, trusting others must have been a difficult task. Because she understood her own value and standing, she seemed to always keep others at arm's length, never allowing them to get close.

"In the end, the attitude you held became the foundation for me to trust you—it helped me build the confidence that it was okay for me to get involved with you. So it wasn't a bad thing."

"I'm glad to hear that, but I think I could've approached it differently or phrased things better, you know," Amane admitted, aware of how unsociable he used to be.

However, Mahiru simply chuckled. "I won't deny that your stern face and aloofness were quite pronounced back then, Amane-kun."

"Sorry for that."

Mahiru giggled elegantly. "I'm not blaming you," she said, covering her mouth delicately while letting out a soft, almost whispered laugh. Amane couldn't help sending a glare her way, but Mahiru's smile only deepened further. He turned his head away in defeat.

Her laughter continued, but the teasing had stopped. Back when he first met her, Mahiru had her share of difficulties, so a little teasing didn't bother Amane in the slightest. Still, that wasn't to say he enjoyed it. With a small sigh, he lightly ran his fingertips down her back in revenge. He could feel her body briefly shiver in response.

However, Mahiru didn't seem to mind and gently tapped Amane's thigh with her hand as if to retaliate. Then she returned to her diary, her pen gliding smoothly over the page again. Amane couldn't help but wonder if she was writing about their little exchange just now.

He felt complicated, imagining future Mahiru teasing him about what she'd written. Still, he had no right to stop her and remained silent, watching with pursed lips as she happily continued writing in her well-worn journal.

She didn't write every day, nor did she fill an entire page each time. But the aged leather cover was a testament to her long-standing habit. Judging by the number of pages that seemed to be filled—about two-thirds—it was clear that she'd been keeping that diary for years. That collection of pages had grown alongside Mahiru on her journey, both in number and maturity.

"Are you curious?" Mahiru asked as she tilted her head, noticing Amane's gaze as he observed her pen glide across the page.

"Weeell, to say I'm not curious would be a lie, but I imagine those are personal memories and emotions you've chosen to record. Both the good and the bad. If you don't want anyone else to see them, I won't force the issue."

Amane considered himself somewhat possessive, but that didn't mean he had the right to tie someone down solely based on his feelings. He didn't intend to harm his partner for the sake of prioritizing his emotions, nor did he believe that knowing everything was necessarily a good thing. It was solely Mahiru's choice to share or withhold that part of her. He had no say in that.

"I'm sure there could be things you want to keep secret, and I don't really think I should read those… Just because I'm your lover doesn't mean I have the right to pry into everything. Everyone has a thing or two they'd rather keep to themselves."

"Amane-kun, you're so understanding that it can be almost troublesome at times."

"Come on now." Amane felt as though she didn't believe him, and he was perplexed by her reaction. But understanding that her astonishment wasn't meant in a derogatory way, he chose not to complain further.

"…I'm not you, Mahiru, so I can't know everything there is to know about you, nor do I think I need to. You have your own life, and your own privacy."

"Hehe, I understand…but don't you ever get curious simply for the sake of it?"

"…I don't feel the need to pry. As long as you can tell me things you are comfortable sharing, I'm satisfied." As Amane steadfastly showed respect for her wishes, Mahiru made a "Hmm" sound and began to flip through her journal.

"When you mention things I 'want to share', it's difficult to answer," Mahiru noted.

Pages of Mahiru's life, documented by her delicate fingertips, turned one by one with a flick—each one revealing and then hiding letters that appeared slightly rounder than they were now, clearly written by a child.

"It isn't as though I'm writing anything interesting. It's not even like a diary—it's more like just a simple record—like a report of sorts. I suppose the most diary-like entries were the ones written during my time in middle school. Emotionally speaking, I was relatively immature, so whenever something bad happened, I poured everything I felt dissatisfied with into my diary instead of mulling it over in my head."

"If doing that makes you immature, then people who lash out aggressively must be infants or something."

"Well, there are moments when people are unable to control their own emotions and direct their frustrations at others," Mahiru began to elaborate, "and it's hard to deny that they are behaving like a child, wishing for others to cheer them up."

"Harsh but definitely true…I'll be mindful of that."

"Why do you look so downhearted after hearing that, Amane-kun?" "No, it's just—I feel like I might have a similar side to me, is all."

Amane generally wasn't the type to get angry easily, and he rarely spent enough time with others to have the opportunity to lash out. However, he took a moment now to consider the possibility that he might be taking out his frustrations on others without realizing sometimes.

People often aren't aware of it themselves when they do it, so he felt that being cautious could serve as a safeguard, both for the present and the future. Mahiru seemed to ponder this for a moment, seemingly in deep thought.

"Amane-kun throwing a tantrum…that sounds nice." "Well, it shouldn't!"

"I'm half-kidding." "Only half, huh."

"Well, I imagine it would be fresh and cute."

"No matter how you slice it, reacting that way would just be emotional abuse. I highly doubt it'd be 'cute' at all…"

Just imagining himself throwing a tantrum and directing it at Mahiru made Amane feel nauseous. It might be considered cute for a child, but Amane's appearance, though somewhat youthful, was close to that of a respectable adult, and he certainly tried to act like an adult as much as possible.

No one would want to see such a person scream and shout simply because they weren't getting their way. Mahiru probably didn't really want to see Amane express his emotions so openly. She most likely would not approve of any truly un-adultlike behavior.

"Anyway, Amane-kun. I don't think you are the type to take out your frustrations on other people. After all, you can be rather self-deprecating. You even belittle yourself often, and get discouraged without anyone being the wiser, don't you?"

"Ugh."

"And when something bad happens, you genuinely feel sorrowful and even tend to blame yourself for it. Even if the other person was to be utterly in the wrong, you would still focus on your own shortcomings."

"…There's rarely ever a time where the other person is one hundred percent at fault," Amane pointed out. As Mahiru said, Amane tended to shrink away, thinking that maybe the fault lay with him—even if not to the point of total withdrawal.

"Even if it's not one hundred percent, there are plenty of times when ninety-nine point nine percent of the fault lies with the other person, you know?"

"Well, maybe, but…"

"While I believe I'm the same type as you, I try to be more pragmatic about it. I reflect on my actions, yes, but I don't go beyond necessary apologies and introspection. I don't want to spend all my time mired in my guilt."

It was precisely because Mahiru could make such clear-cut judgments that she could conduct herself like that, and Amane found that enviable.

"Well, I say that now, but the old me hadn't been nearly as good at managing my emotions, and I lacked charm. I was far less skilled in the way I'd carried myself compared to now. It truly drives home just how young I was."

"Lacked charm, eh?"

"Why are you questioning that part?"

"What might this adorable bundle of cuteness be trying to imply?"

She seemed unaware of it herself, but her actions and words were so endearing that Amane couldn't help but wonder what on Earth she was talking about.

Mahiru seemed to think it was only natural for people to describe her behavior as the Angel as graceful or elegant, since it was intentional on her part. But when all that was stripped away and she was just Mahiru, alone with Amane, her behavior became unintentional.

Occasionally, she would act in a provocative manner, perhaps spurred on by a certain someone, but otherwise, Mahiru was just herself. The charming gestures and word choices that would seem calculated if done by someone else were, while terrifying in its innocent obliviousness, unconscious actions on Mahiru's part.

"Who do you think mentioned that I wasn't cute?" Mahiru queried, referencing a past exchange.

"That would be my ignorant past self," affirmed Amane immediately. He felt genuine regret for his prior judgment, and a sense of guilt resurfaced now that she had pointed it out.

"…As you once said, Amane-kun, I do think I lacked charm back then." "Nah. If the current me saw the past you, I'd think you were incredibly cute."

"That would just be you looking at me through rose-tinted glasses, no?" "I think you'd be cute even without them, like a hedgehog or something."

To Amane, who now knew Mahiru as she truly was, the Mahiru who refused to open her heart to anyone and had worn her Angel mask to keep people at a distance appeared like a hedgehog covered in countless spines.

Mahiru's Angel persona was a survival tactic that she used to protect herself emotionally, and although Amane had no intention of commenting on that, seeing how much more relaxed and affectionate the current Mahiru was made him doubt they were even the same person.

Amane had no intention of mocking her. He just found her irresistibly charming and cute, and relaxed into a smile. In contrast, irritated, Mahiru inflated her cheeks like a balloon in response to his remark.

That somewhat childish gesture was irresistibly cute, prompting Amane to add, "Now, you're like a squirrel." A light chop came flying into his side in response.

The way Mahiru expressed her dissatisfaction was, as always, charming.

Amane knew this behavior was reserved solely for him, which made it all the more special.

"…And now, you're acting like an honest, wistful kitten who wants to be spoiled, unlike how you were when we first met."

"…'Acting like a kitten'," she parroted. "Even though I'm unable to put on an 'act' anymore?"

"You no longer need to, right?"

It might be accurate to say that the need for her mask had disappeared.

Mahiru no longer needed to put on an act around Amane. She allowed herself to express her soft side more often because she trusted that those around her would accept her unadorned self.

That trust, that affection which was directed towards him, made him happier than anything else.

"…I don't need to wear a façade when I'm with you, Amane-kun." "You really weren't wearing it around me to begin with, even at the very start."

"Well excuse me." "Sorry, sorry."

"…You may pat my head as an apology, you know?"

As Mahiru offered her head in anticipation of incoming pats, almost making Amane burst into laughter, he obligingly reached out his palm and stroked her silky hair. It was well-cared-for, as always, resembling flaxen threads, and felt incredibly smooth. Not only that, it also was fragrant, leaving a refreshing yet sweet scent in the air.

Running his fingers carefully through the cascading hair that fell over her shoulders, her disgruntled expression gradually softened as though oozing more and more happiness.

"Is this to your liking, my lady?" "Indeed it is."

True to her word, Mahiru showed him an openly delighted expression, to which Amane couldn't help but imagine her with a tail and wagging it excitedly.

"Hmm, a cat? Maybe a dog…?" "Did you say something?" "Absolutely nothing."

Afraid that saying too much might spoil her mood, he swallowed his thoughts and continued to gently stroke Mahiru's head, who allowed the fawning. Accepting his touch, Mahiru seemingly ignored his earlier comment and gently leaned against him.

The diary had remained in her hand, asserting its presence. "You don't need to continue writing?" Amane wondered.

"…After this, I intend to write about how Amane-kun once again treated me like an animal."

"But the future you is going to think I've been misbehaving, right?"

Mahiru giggled softly. "If you happen not to remember, you will likely question what you were doing."

Her description of the prior events had already been decided as Mahiru softly traced her finger along the diary to find where she left off.

"I want to create all kinds of memories. Like the diary I have kept so far, I want to collect and string them all together."

With that, Mahiru flipped through the pages again, gazing at the slightly faded letters, written in ink discolored by age, and returned to the past, looking right through the page at her memories of that time in her life.

"…When I wasn't with you, I didn't truly feel fulfilled. I realize that now, Amane-kun."

Mahiru expressed this with neither regret nor dissatisfaction, neither bitterness nor sorrow, but simply with a thoughtful, nostalgic tone that was also reflected in her clear and happy gaze. With that, she quietly closed her eyes, flipping to yet another page that she must have penned a long time ago.