The Pink Stuff

Allie was at her desk, trying to ignore the rolling in her stomach. She hasn't felt like this since she got food poisoning in Afghanistan. Bruss came shuffling in.

"Damn, Patty Cake, you look horrible," she said.

"You're not winning any beauty contests anytime soon either," he retorted.

"What's wrong with you?" She took a bottle of the pink stuff out of her drawer and started taking shots of it.

"Shelley decided to take a cooking class, and I am her taste tester."

"How is she doing?" she asked.

"Last night's chicken was medium rare."

"You ate partially cooked chicken? Oh, my God."

"I didn't notice until it was too late, but I knew the texture was off. I might have food poisoning," he said.

"You and me both." She handed him the bottle of pink stuff.

"What did you eat?"

She looked embarrassed. "Nuggets and fries."

"Nugget and fries? I have never seen you eat fast food. Wow, Alexsandra Kingston eats McDon--"

"I wasn't done. I also had a..."

"Allie?"

"I ate a.... dinner box."

"BY YOURSELF!" Bruss was in shock. "You ate all of it?"

"Yes." She tried to scrunch down in her seat.

"So, you ate four small fries, nuggets, two Big Macs, and two cheeseburgers?"

"I ate the cheeseburgers on my way here."

"What is wrong with you? Depression? No wonder you feel like shit. Have you ever had that much fast in one sitting before?"

The feeling came over her like a Tsunami. She grabbed her trash can and deposited a stream of bright pink liquid.

"That tasted much better going down than it does coming up."

"Oh my God! Allie, maybe you should go home." Bruss was horrified by the horrendous smells.

She put her head back in the trash can and threw up again.

"No, I'm all right. I might have an ulcer," she said. "All this stress... and other things.

"Your drinking has finally caught up with you. Maybe you should stop for a while, maybe hit a meeting."

"Don't push it, Patrick Karl, or next time I have to puke, I'll do it in the top drawer of your desk. I've already stopped. I haven't gone to the bar in months; the thought of drinking just makes me want to puke. I already do that enough."

I'll be your sponsor, Caretaker. That's why you thought I was here in the first place, remember? Wow, that seems just like yesterday.

"Unless yesterday was a decade ago, it doesn't feel that way to me. In fact, I lost count of how long it's been. And not because I enjoy your company."

Ah, come on, not even just a teensy-weensy bit?

"I guess it's been OK having you around. You did do me a solid on the whole poker night thing. I have been graciously asked to find another game."

You did take every penny from every one of them. Nothing you couldn't have done on your own.

"Then, technically, didn't I do it on my own?

Let's just say we were both there. How are you feeling now?

"I'm about two pukes away from throwing up blood. I really think it's an ulcer."

"OK, I googled signs you may have an ulcer," Bruss said.

"I'll go through them. You answer yes or no. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah, that sounds fine to me," she said.

"Increased indigestion?"

"Yes"

"Belly pain?"

"No."

"Nausea? Stupid question, never mind."

"Heavy abdomen?"

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"It says the heaviness or fullness feeling like you drank too much water."

"Yeah, kind of."

"Flu-like symptoms?"

"Maybe I'm always tired, and there's the nausea."

"Lots of appetite?" he asked.

"No."

"Unexplained hunger?"

"Unexplained hunger? So, either you're hungry, or you're not? How does that make sense at all?"

"I'm just doing the reading. I didn't write the article. Continuing, sudden waste loss?"

"Nope," she said.

"Discolored stool? "You know what? We can skip that one. Let's do the next one. Bloody vomit?"

"No, not yet, but if I keep doing this, it will come soon."

"Fullness and bloating?"

"Yes, bloated."

"Anemia?" he asked.

"How am I supposed to know if I have anemia?"

"Sometimes, when people are anemic, they crave weird things," he said.

"You mean like pica?"

"Yeah, you crave weird things with no nutritional value."

"Does pineapple and ham pizza have nutritional value?" she asked.

He laughed. "I don't think so," he said.

"Then maybe I am."

"How about shortness of breath?"

"No, not at all."

"Feeling faint?" he asked.

"Sometimes, if I get up too fast, I can get a little woozy."

"Acid reflux?"

"Oh, Dear Lord, yes, I have that and heartburn unless those are the same thing."

"Well, Dr. Google here says you most likely have an ulcer."

"FUCK, I can't get put on medical leave."

She put her head in her hands. "What if you have a tear or something in your intestine or esophagus?"

"Then I would most likely be throwing up blood."

"I can't be put on leave. All I have left is work. I have nothing to do since the FBI has taken point on the serial killer case. Want to know the last case I work on?"

"The stolen Hummels?"

"Yes! The stolen fucking Hummel figurines!"

"Bright side, you don't have to talk to Carron anymore," Bruss said.

"Well, thank the FBI for small favors."

"Why don't we go out? It would probably do you some good."

"Didn't you just tell me to stop drinking?"

"We can go out to have food that hopefully won't make you throw up or give me food poisoning."

"I don't know. I'm tired and have no energy except when I work out. Every day I come to work, I go workout, and then I spend time at the range. I'm in the best shape of my life since the Marine Corps, and I can hit a target dead center with my eyes closed. And, like I said, the thought of drinking makes me want to vomit; I have enough things that make me want to vomit," she said.

"Like Dr. Google said, it's an ulcer," he said.

She put her head on the desk, "I have such a terrible headache. Are headaches a symptom of an ulcer?"

"I don't think so, but I can recheck Google."

"No, that's OK," she said.

He picked up his phone. "Call the doctor."

"You know what would be great right now? One of those dark chocolate muffins from the Human Bean. I haven't had one of those in so long. I miss those," she whined.

Caretaker, may I make a suggestion?

"I'm open to pretty much anything if it has anything to do with getting rid of this ulcer."

Go see a doctor. I vote for hot coroner.

"Malibu, why would I see Makayla if I need to see a doctor? I only feel like I'm going to die."

Trust me, go see hot coroner.

"You're going to continue to argue with me, aren't you? I just don't have the strength."

"I'm going to see Makayla and get some tea or something. Maybe work up the nerve to go get a chocolate muffin."

"Alright. Tell her I said she's a pain in the ass." Bruss smiled.

"Do you want anything?"

"Yeah. Please go home after you see Makayla. You look a little peakeed."

"Sir, yes, Sir." She grabbed her things and headed to the CCO.

"So, why am I going to see Makayla?"

Because I know something you don't know.

"About Makayla?"

How the fuck would I know something that has to do with hot coroner?

"Please just call her Makayla. She has a name."

Fine. Ma-kay-la.

Allie walked into the coroner's office. She immediately had to run outside; she threw up right as she got out of the door. She called Makayla instead of going back in.

"Cuyahoga County coroner's office, this is Makayla Curtis."

"Hey."

"Hey, Allie, what's up?"

"Can you come outside?" she asked.

"Why?"

"Because I'm outside."

"It's not exactly warm today. Just come in," Makayla said.

"I can't."

"What do you mean you can't? Is the door locked?"

"Because I already tried. I got about four feet in there, and I threw up, so can you come outside?"

"Well, that's never happened before."

"I think I might have an ulcer," she said.

"You have been under massive stress, " she said with an exasperated sigh. All right, let me get my coat on; I'll be right out."

"Hey, bring me some crackers if you got them."

"I'll do my best, bossy pants."

She came out about three minutes later. Allie was standing there with no coat on.

"Put your coat back on. You're going to get sick," Makayla said. She had a mothering tone.

"First of all, I'm already sick; I don't think I can get any sicker. Second of all, it is so hot."

"It's like 45 degrees out. What do you mean it's hot?"

"I'm hot, then I'm cold, then I'm hot again. I don't know. Maybe I'm going through menopause. You know what happens to women early who have endometriosis."

Makayla handed her a small pack of crackers. "All I had is the peanut butter ones."

"Oh, those will be perfect."

Allie opened the package and immediately shoved two into her mouth.

"Good Lord slow down, didn't you just puke?"

"AND, what's your point?" she asked.

"Never mind. So, what do I owe the honor of your presence?" she asked.

"I don't know. I just had this nagging feeling."

She looked at Malibu.

"A very nagging feeling to come to see you."

"Well, if you're trying to get me to go out tonight, I can't. I'm going out with Natalie."

"Carron?"

"Yes, how many Natalie's do you think I'm dating?" she asked redundantly. "So, why do you think you have an ulcer?"

Go ahead, tell hot Makayla about your symptoms. If you don't remember, I can help you out.

"I'll try on my own, but if I need backup, I'll let you know."

"So, Bruss googled how do you know if you have an ulcer, and he came up with this list that we went over, and from what it sounds like, I have an ulcer. I'm almost positive."

"You have no idea how much I hate Doctor Google," she said. All right, go ahead and tell me what makes you think you have an ulcer. " She jumped up and down to keep warm.

"Let me see if I remember all of these. I have indigestion, acid reflux, and heartburn, but I'm not sure if heartburn and acid reflux are the same thing. I also have nausea. Obviously," she pointed to the ground. "I'm tired, but I have been really bored."

"Is boredom a symptom?"

"No, I just thought I'd throw it in there. I'm bloated, I feel faint when I stand up too quickly, I'm hungry all the time, but I can't keep anything down. I'm hungry because I've been working out so much and need the calories."

She thought for a second. "I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to drink."

"You don't want to drink? Maybe you do have an ulcer. But just for shits and giggles, let's say you don't have an ulcer. To me, it sounds like PMS. When's the last time you had your period?" she asked.

"I have like 3 periods a year because of the endometriosis."

"Oh yeah, that is one reason I hate you so much; now let me think." She stood there with a look of great concentration on her face.

Malibu whispered something in Makayla's ear.

Then she looked at Allie with one eyebrow raised. She had a very serious look on her face. She took Allie by the shoulders.

"Allie, when's the last time you had your period?"

"Didn't I just answer that question? I don't know. It was when Dean and I were still together. I finally find someone I want to sleep with consistently, and I get one of my 3 periods."

"Think, Allie; think this is very important," she said. She was shaking her lightly by the shoulders.

"I don't know, maybe a couple weeks before I met his parents," she said.

"Get in the car. We need to go run an errand,"

Makayla took her by the arm and pulled her towards her car.

"What? To where?" Allie asked.

"We need to go to Walgreens. Now, get in the car."

The automatic doors slid open, and there was a rush of warm air and the faint smell of perfume.

"Oh God, can you smell that?" Allie asked. She was covering her nose and mouth.

"What? It smells like a Walgreens."

"I think the peanut butter crackers are coming back from the dead. I'll be outside."

"Let me know if you need me," Makala called after her as she ran out the door.

Makala made her way down the aisles. She found what she was looking for.

You are a bright, hot coroner. I guess that means you know what I know that Allie doesn't know, but she's about to find out.

Makayla picked up a bag of potato chips, a pack of gum, some pink stuff, and a dark chocolate candy bar for herself. She did the self-checkout and met Allie back in the car.

"I had to sit down. I was feeling a little dizzy."

"Here, eat these." She threw the bag of potato chips in Allie's lap.

"We came here for potato chips?" she asked.

"The grease will help your stomach. Eat the damn chips."

She threw the bag in the back seat. By the time they returned to the office, Allie's stomach had calmed down.

"OK, we need to go through the front door because, obviously, you can't go the back way."

They went through the main entrance, and Makayla led Allie down the hallway to the bathroom.

"What are we doing?"

Makala pulled a box out of the bag. "THIS!"

She held up a box containing two home pregnancy tests.

Ta-Da, Malibu said, doing his best Vanna White impression.

"Why did you buy that? Unless you think you are pregnant, there is no reason you should have wasted your money," she said.

"You can't get pregnant from oral sex, so I know for a fact I am not pregnant."

She handed Ally the box. "This is not for me. This is for you."

Allie put the box back in her hand.

"Makayla Faith, this is stupid; don't be an idiot. I am not taking a home pregnancy test. I told you I must have an ulcer."

"Alexsandra Grace, don't be a... I don't know whatever you could be. Get in that stall, pull down those pants, and pee on this stick." She pointed to the stall.

Yeah, Caretaker listen to Ma-kay-la.

"Malibu, what the hell are you doing in the ladies' room?"

I haven't seen you pee before, but I've seen you pee on a rooftop before. If it bothers you suddenly, I'll go.

"Just humor me! If you do, I will buy you some chocolate muffins."

Allie snatched the box from her and went into the stall. "God, this is so fucking stupid! I'm only doing this because there are muffins involved! I can't wait to show you this so you can see that you just wasted 11.99, and I'll tell you what else, do not think that I'm going to pay you back for this stupid... holy crap!" she exclaimed.

"Allie, you peed for like one second. How can there already be something?"

She finished and then slowly opened the stall door. She was gobsmacked. She couldn't talk and had forgotten how to blink for a second and breathe for ten.

I knew something you didn't know. Malibu had returned to the bathroom.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Allie yelled.

"What the fuck did you just say to me? I'm going to chalk that up to hormones."

"No, I meant GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, as in, I can't believe I'm pregnant. "No, this is impossible. Give me the other one."

Allie went back into the stall. It took her about fifteen minutes, but she was able to squeeze just a little tiny bit more out of her.

"Fuck!"

"It's positive, isn't it?" Makayla took the test out of her hands.

"I knew it. I freaking knew it. I don't know how, but I did. This is amazing. I'm going to be an Auntie Kay Kay!"

Yes, it is! Malibu was peeking over the top of the divider.

Allie was in such shock that she didn't even yell at him. She came back out, and there was a repeat performance of last time.

"This... I... Dean... me..." She couldn't get a complete sentence out.

"This is unbelievable. When are you going to tell him?"

"I'm not," Allie said. She threw the tests into the trash can.

"Allie, you have to tell him," Makayla said.

I think she's in denial.

"Allie, I think you're in denial. You can't keep this from him. Don't you keep enough from him? You must tell him. You know he's going to be so excited."

"I would have to see him to tell him. I can't text him and tell him I can't call him on the phone and tell him. Maybe I should have Makayla tell Natalie. She would definitely tell him."

OK number one that's even worse than texting him #2 that's even worse than calling him on the phone and #3 you cannot have his little sister tell him that he knocked up his girlfriend.

"That's the problem, Malibu. I am no longer his fiancé. I am no longer speaking to him. I already had a long conversation with him about being INFETILE! Fuck, I told Alex too. What if they think I was lying cause I didn't want to have children with them? Or maybe they thought I said it so I would get pregnant and trap them into a relationship."

"Look, Allie, I know what happened was totally fucked up, but this is not something you keep from someone. You have to tell him," Makayla said.

"I don't have to do anything," she said.

Makayla put her hand on her hip and gave her a furious look.

"OK, I'll tell him... eventually."

"And what exactly is eventually?" she asked.

"It means in the end, especially after a long delay, dispute, or series of problems.

"Don't push me! I am extremely pregnant, and I am extremely hormonal."

She sat down on the ground. Her face was turning pink. "I am pregnant. I have a baby growing inside of me. That was never supposed to be possible."

Makayla sat down next to her, and she put her arm around her shoulder.

"Any idea how far along you might be?"

"I don't know. I felt like crap for the last few months. I don't know when you're supposed to start feeling like crap, so I honestly really have no idea."

"Oh, I know we'll get you one of those books, What to Expect When You're Knocked Up."

Allie laughed. "I don't think that's what it's called."

"You know you don't look really pregnant."

Allie lifted her shirt."I've been working out a lot."

"How do you still have abs?"

Makayla put her hand on Allie's belly.

"There it is, I can see it."

Allie turned to her side and looked in the mirror.

"Where? I don't see it. I mean, I'm a little bloated."

"You are not a little bloated. You are a lot pregnant. Not to mention did you notice how big your boobs have gotten?"

"I guess they are a little bigger," she said.

I bet if you were still with the Cowboy, he would have noticed.

"Have you weighed yourself lately?" Makayla asked.

"Maybe a month ago. When I noticed my pants getting snug, I decided not to."

"How much did you gain?"

"As of last month, I had gained 7 pounds of what I thought was muscle."

"Plug your nose. You're going on the scale."

Allie started whining. "No, I don't want to puke."

"Then plug your nose." Allie held her nose and headed to the back.

"It doesn't even smell back here," Makayla commented.

"You're used to it."

They went into the autopsy room.

Allie let out an exasperated sigh and got on the scale.

"How much did you weigh last month?"

"None of your business pounds."

She weighed 137.

Makayla moved the weight over to the right. "You are at 145."

"I have never weighed 145."

Well, you do now.

"You need to go to your OB/GYN as soon as possible."

"Will you go with me?" she asked.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Oh God, here come the potato chips!"

"Remember! Sink in the corner!"